How to Tell if You’re in a Trauma Bonding Relationship

Trauma bonding is an unhealthy emotional attachment to someone who causes you physical, emotional, and/or sexual harm. In such relationships, the abusive partner can fluctuate between extreme affection and extreme abuse in repeated cycles. The episodes of affection serve as positive reinforcement that staying in the relationship is "worth it."

Trauma bonding tends to form subtly, often without the abused partner ever realizing it. People with a history of child abuse are vulnerable because they often have an altered perception of what a healthy relationship looks like. Breaking from trauma bonding may require counseling from a therapist, a strong support system, and legal protection if there is a real threat of violence.

This article will explain what trauma bonding is, why it happens, and what to do if you find yourself gravitating toward a relationship with an abusive partner.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding, also known as traumatic bonding or traumatic coercive bonding, happens when a person is strongly bonded to—and often even idealizes—a partner in a physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive relationship.

Trauma bonding typically affects people who have been abused in the past, often in childhood or previous relationships. Their vulnerability to trauma bonding is not "masochism" (the conscious pursuit of abuse) but rather the result of a distorted perception of what a healthy relationship is.

If you were abused as a child, the love and protection you felt from a caregiver may cause you to think that occasional abuse is either a "fair trade-off" or something that you caused. These patterns can carry over to adult relationships during which you may find yourself gravitating to—or even pursuing—people with the same abusive qualities.

Similarly, abusive partners will often "test the waters" to see how a prospective partner responds to occasional slights and criticisms. Over time, the manipulations become more intentional and abusive.

Traumatic bonding is driven by an imbalance of power in which one partner gradually takes power and the other surrenders it. It is also characterized by unpredictability, shifting between excessive displays of affection and extreme emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual abuse.

Sex Trafficking and Child Sexual Exploitation

Trauma bonding often refers to an unhealthy attachment between two people but is also used as a form of coercion to gain emotional control over victims of sex trafficking.

In such cases, the abuser postures as a "protector" who expresses deep feelings or shares intimate emotions with the victim even as they are victimized. The victim, in turn, feels gratitude for positive interactions and self-blame for the negative ones.

The same tactics are used for the commercial sexual exploitation of children.

Signs and Symptoms of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is informed by a person's attachment style. Attachment style is a term used in psychology to describe how a child bonds with their primary caregiver which, in turn, informs how they will bond with future partners as adults.

There are four attachment styles:

• Secure (confident)
• Anxious (insecure)
• Avoidant (dismissive)
• Disorganized (fearful)

Trauma bonding is largely informed by the disorganized attachment style in which caregivers are inconsistent, neglectful, and often abusive.

While children with a disorganized attachment style rely on their caregivers for love and protection, they also fear them. Yet, when those same caregivers are attacked or criticized, the child will leap to their defense, in part out of genuine devotion but also because they fear repercussions if they don't.

With trauma bonding, these same patterns and dynamics are replicated, manifesting in symptoms like:

• Justifying or defending the abusive partner's behavior
• Trying to cover for the abusive partner
• Wanting to help an abusive partner through their "demons"
• Blaming yourself for the abuse or lying about the abuse
• Minimizing the abuse (false equivalence)
• Fawning over your partner to keep the peace
• A ready willingness to forgive the abuse with a display of affection
• Refusing to leave despite the abuse
• Isolating yourself to avoid conflict with your partner and the disapproval of others
  

Traits of an Abusive Partner in a Trauma Bond

In the same way that someone may be vulnerable to forming an attachment with an abusive partner, there are certain characteristics common in abusive partners.

Traumatic bonds are also common in people diagnosed with a mental health condition called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD is more common in males and characterized by specific behaviors and personality traits, including:

• An excessive need for admiration
• A disregard for other people's feelings
• An inability to handle any criticism
• A sense of entitlement

People with NPD often create conflict to ensure control in a relationship. This may involve expressing affection at one moment to inflicting hurt, shame, or the "silent treatment" the next.

Sudden fits of rage may be triggered by criticisms, both perceived and real, that the person with NPD feels justified to act on.

Trauma Bonding and Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is common in trauma bonding. While it is often thought of as physical actions like hitting or punching, IPV also includes sexual and psychological harm. IPV is often subtle early in the relationship and only apparent when a relationship is firmly established.

At the start of the relationship, the abuser will try to win their partner's affection with actions and promises that satisfy their craving for love and protection. Once the bond has formed, the abuser will start showing signs of controlling behavior, often under the guise of being their protector.

As the balance of power shifts, the abuser will start to punish their partner for challenging their authority or questioning it. In time, the response can turn into physical, sexual, or psychological violence.

A pattern of coercion—displays of deep remorse, warmth, and kindness—helps keep the abused person in the relationship and gradually wears down their willingness to fight back.

7 Stages of Trauma Bonding

In a traumatic bonding relationship, abusers tend to feel fully entitled to their actions and behaviors. While they may be fully convinced that they are "acting out of love," the formation of a trauma bond follows a classic, almost clinical pattern.

Experts describe this in the following seven stages:

1. Love bombing: This is the "honeymoon period" where a person is showered with extreme displays of affection and made feel like they've met their soulmate.
2. Trust and dependency: The abuser starts to take control and make their partner feel guilty for doubting them or questioning their decisions.
3. Criticism: The abuser will start picking at their partner's qualities, describing them as insignificant, bad, or wrong.
4. Gaslighting: The abuser makes their partner question their reality and perception, often shifting blame to make their partner feel at fault.
5. Resignation: The abused partner "gives up" and starts to yield to a partner's demands in an effort to stabilize the relationship.
6. Loss of self: The abused partner loses a sense of their own identity and personal boundaries, often isolating themselves as their confidence and self-esteem are chipped away.
7. Emotional addiction: The pattern of conflict and love bombing becomes so habitual that the abused person becomes numb to the abuse and has no thoughts of leaving.

How to Break a Trauma Bond

It is often extremely difficult to leave a relationship where a trauma bond has formed. Even in a toxic relationship, good times can be mixed with the bad, and the abused may feel genuine love and affection for their abuser.

Even so, there may be a time when the violence and abuse are so extreme—or others, like children, have become involved—that no other option is left but to end the relationship and break the bond.

As difficult as this may be, you can better equip yourself by:

• Educating yourself: Learn what trauma bonding is. Step back and ask yourself if you recognize any of the signs of trauma and abuse in your relationship.
• Seeking support: Reach out to friends and loved ones who you can share your feelings with without judgment or coercion. If you don't have someone to turn to, reach out to helplines for advice, including the Love Is Respect Helpline at 1-866-331-9474.
• Getting counseling: Sorting out your feelings objectively can be tough if you're in a toxic relationship. Working with a therapist can help you identify behaviors that make you vulnerable to abuse so that you can take steps to change them.
• Making a plan: If you plan to exit the relationship, do not go it alone—particularly if there is a threat of violence. Work with your support team, including a social worker or mental health provider if necessary, to schedule a time and place to leave. This may involve getting a new phone number and instructing friends and family on what they should do after you leave.
• Prepare yourself: Take time to consider all the possible repercussions of your decision to leave. Will your partner try to love-bomb you, threaten self-harm, or harm you or someone you love? If violence is a possibility, consider filing a restraining order in advance of your departure.
• Make your intentions clear: Once you depart, is important that someone tell the abuser of your decision as plainly and dispassionately as possible. They should convey your wish to neither be called nor visited. A social worker may be able to help.
• Stay the course: To gain perspective, you need time alone to sort out your feelings without further coercion from your partner. Avoid alcohol or drugs which can distort your judgment. Keep your support network close at hand, either physically or by phone.
• Join a support group: Recovery may be easier if you are surrounded by others who understand what you have gone through. Your therapist should be able to refer you to in-person support groups. There are also online groups, such as the non-profit Hope Recovery that offer various support programs to adult survivors of abuse and sexual trauma.
  

How to Recover From Trauma Bonding

Recovering from the psychological effects of trauma bonding can take time. The psychological effects of trauma bonding often have long-term mental and physical health effects.

Research has shown that domestic violence is independently linked to higher rates of hypertension, diabetes, sleep problems, anxiety, and even HIV. It can even lead to extreme depression and thoughts of suicide.

Working with a mental health professional such as a psychiatrist or psychologist can help you work through the trauma and manage any mental health conditions that can develop from the experience, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Although healing can sometimes take years, the recovery process can help you regain a sense of control in your life, develop social skills, build support networks, and increase feelings of self-esteem.

Therapy may involve:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): This is a form of talk therapy used to identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): This is a psychological treatment that has been found to reduce the symptoms of PTSD.
• Antidepressants: Medications like Paxil (paroxetine) and Zoloft (sertraline) may sometimes be prescribed for those with severe PTSD.

With ongoing support, most people will experience positive psychological change and be equipped with the tools to avoid similar relationships in the future.

Summary

Trauma bonding is a complex psychological connection to a person who causes psychological, physical, and/or sexual harm. The bond forms subtly over time and is driven by a highly manipulative and controlling abuser who will often cycle between episodes of abuse and "love-bombing."

People in trauma-bonded relationships often do not know that they are in one until the connection is so strong that it becomes hard to break.

Ending a toxic or violent relationship can be challenging, and sometimes dangerous. If you are trying to leave an unsafe relationship, seek professional mental health support.