A Writer’s Resource List of Funny Insults

Roasting People With Fun and Creative Insults

Using tame or funny insults instead of the usual offensive swear words or inappropriate language thrown around nowadays is a great way for writers to differentiate themselves from the crowd without taking anything away from their story.

Many writers seem to think that using harsh language is the only way to dish out insults, but making those words just a bit less offensive can actually make them seem more offensive. The moment you realize that an insult is an insult, no matter if it's rude and crude or subtle and funny, your writing skills will grow by leaps and bounds because you'll have choices on how to deliver those zingers.

Sometimes writers need to watch their language when creating a story, but they can choose how much profanity they use and how bad it is. This list of insults is simply another tool you can use to give you more creative freedom as a storyteller. I do hope you find it useful in some way.

Really Good Insult and Cuss Word Alternatives

Funny Insults You Can Use in Front of Kids

As a kid, I actually used some of the insults from the song "You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" after watching the 1966 cartoon How the Grinch Stole Christmas. If I remember correctly, I didn't stop using these "tame insults" until my mom threatened to give me a spanking. Some of funnier ones from the song can be found below.

• You have termites in your smile.
• I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole.
• You nauseate me.
• You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel.
• You're as charming as an eel.
• You're as cuddly as a cactus.
• You're brain is full of spiders.
• You're heart is full of unwashed socks.
• You've got garlic in your soul.

Cuss Words That Aren’t Really Cuss Words

Silly Playground Insults

The above video showcases just how hard it is for real friends to insult one another. Casual acquaintances and work friends are much easier to roast, but people who you like (or have no strong feelings for) are another story entirely. Throwing really good insults means that the insult has to have at least a little disrespect behind it... and a healthy dose of passion.

Really Funny Insults and Funnier Comebacks

• About as useful as a chocolate teapot.
• Be grateful you can re-marry and get rid of that name. —Mad Men (S.7, Ep.11)
• Dumber than a bag of hammers.
• Explain it to the ducks.
• Go fly a kite with a hole in it.
• I'd slap you, but you'd probably like it.
• I'm still trying to forget the first time we met.
• It's good for you that being stupid isn't a crime.
• More disappointing than a bag of unsalted popcorn.
• Plug Ugly: Someone who is really ugly
• Running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
• Shampoo has instructions because of you.
• You have the I.Q. of mayonnaise.

Awesome Words to Use When You’re Upset

Celebrities Read Mean Tweets

More Good Subtle Insults and Funny Comebacks

• Be thankful that mirrors can't laugh.
• Do you have enough makeup for both of your faces?
• Go suck a lemon.
• Here's to those that wish us well; and those who don't can go to Hell. —Elaine from Seinfeld
• How stupid do you think I am? (A fairly common statement, can be answered with, "Don't know, I just met you.").
• I fart in your general direction! —Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
• Kiss my caboose.
• May you come to the attention of powerful people.
• Moocher: someone who always seems to be borrowing money or items
• Rube: a person who is very naïve or inexperienced
• Scoundrel: a person with virtually no honor or morals
• Your face makes onions cry.
• You whine like a mule.

Great Comebacks for When People Dis You

It's always hard to come up with really funny comebacks on the spot after someone insults you in some way. I've found that doing a bit of research before something like that ever happens definitely will help solve that problem (at least a little). Just be aware that such a comeback will probably not diffuse the situation.

Are Swear Words and Slang the Same?

In my opinion, slang and insults are so closely related that you really can't make the argument for one over the other. I would say that at least fifty percent of slang words can indeed be used to disrespect someone you don't like. Slang is, however, ever evolving; words can go in and out of style very quickly. When using slang words as insults keep in mind that not everyone will realize you just hurled an insult at them (though the tone in your voice can remedy that a bit).

• Ankle Biters: small kids
• Get Wrecked: A term used (especially in gaming) to put down someone who has just lost in a contest to you or failing at something particular.
• Milksop: A person (usually a male) who has no manly qualities.
• Tightwad: A piece of slang that can be used to insult people who are especially careful with their money has been around for quite a while now.

Cool and Creative Old-School Insults

• About as useful as a glass hammer.
• As ugly as a burnt boot. (old Western insult)
• Go eat soap.
• You've already been forgotten about.
• If I throw a stick, will you go away?
• I would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
• Looking better than a rotting corpse (which of course means... not too good).
• Manners of a goat.
• Peon: an unskilled laborer
• Sarcasm is but one of my many talents.
• Scrub: an insignificant person; a nobody
• The less I see of you, the more I like you.
• Useless as wet toilet paper.
• You're the worst of all my bad choices.
• You want to make fourteen dollars the hard way? —Caddyshack (1980)
• Git: a very unpleasant person; a moron

The 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time

I've been somewhat tame on the insults up until now, but you know that I had to eventually showcase some of the really popular insults from the big screen. The downside to most really good movie insults are that a lot of them can be a bit vulgar, and some can be very vulgar. Still, most of the insults in the above video are quite common in real life and will make you laugh... very hard. You wanted a few hard-core insults; you've got some hard-core insults. Enjoy.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2022 Don