I Love You so What Does That Mean?
Define the four loves and diagram the subject for greater clarity
I love you. “I” is the subject. The verb is love. The direct object is you. Since love is a transitive verb, you are the recipient of what I, the initiator, am giving you, the object of my love. To take these abstract concepts and make this sentence more concrete, a diagram helps.
Importance of the subject
The integrity of the subject makes all the difference in the kind of love that is revealed. If the love offered to you is from a position of honor and respect, that love is trustworthy.
If that “love” is from the words of an untrustworthy, self-centered person who has ulterior motives to deceive you by saying, “I love you,” start running away! It’s a trick to get something from you.
Love in English is one word with various meanings. In Greek, there are four words for love, as explained by C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves: agape, storge, philia, and eros. The first three are in the Bible. The last is not.
Agape — unconditional “God” love
Charity (agápē, Greek: ἀγάπη) is the love that exists regardless of changing circumstances. (Wikipedia)
In other words, God’s love is not dependent on the object of His love. He does not love you if you respond. Because His love does not depend on who you are, what you do, or what you say, agape love is the highest love. No conditions — just come as you are. For Christians who are becoming more like Christ, this love is supernatural, only possible by God’s Holy Spirit. This kind of love is not normal, not natural to human beings. This selfless love might be imitated, but true sacrificial love is a heartfelt surrender to God’s will and purpose.
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16, NKJV)
God loves without conditions. This is the highest form of love God loves whoever, unconditionally — no qualifications needed. That’s you.
Philia — friend bond
The second kind of love is called friendship love or philia. Clearly, the friendship between David and Jonathan was a bond of care and concern. The camaraderie of spending time together in their youth brought them closer. They watched out for each other.
Then Jonathan, Saul’s son, arose and went to David in the woods and strengthened his hand in God. And he said to him, “Do not fear, for the hand of Saul my father shall not find you. You shall be king over Israel, and I shall be next to you. Even my father Saul knows that.” So the two of them made a covenant before the Lord. And David stayed in the woods, and Jonathan went to his own house.” (1 Samuel 23:16–18, NKJV)
Few people have close friends. Some say they have lots of friends. However, there is a difference. Close friends are different than mere acquaintances. Faithful friends through the years are to be valued. Acquaintances come and go.
Philia (Greek: φιλία) is the love between friends as close as siblings in strength and duration. The friendship is the strong bond existing between people who share common values, interests or activities. Our species does not need friendship in order to reproduce, but to the classical and medieval worlds, it is a higher-level love because it is freely chosen. (Wikipedia)
Philadelphia, the city in ancient times, and a city in Pennsylvania in the USA is called, “the city of brotherly love.” Caring for each other as friends and neighbors is a higher love. Philia love is conditional. In other words, you choose your friends based on qualities you like in them, interests you share with them, and affinities that bring you together.
Storge — empathy bond
Similar to philia love is storge. You did not choose the family that you were born into. You are expected to love your family members. Although this love may seem like it is supposed to be unconditional, there are expectations of behavior that intervene. Family love is the expectation of a safe environment of care and community from the parents. The subject is expected to love the object. The child is the object.
Storge (storgē, Greek: στοργή) is liking someone through the fondness of familiarity, family members or people who relate in familiar ways that have otherwise found themselves bonded by chance. An example is the natural love and affection of a parent for their child. It is described as the most natural, emotive, and widely diffused of loves: It is natural in that it is present without coercion, emotive because it is the result of fondness due to familiarity, and most widely diffused because it pays the least attention to those characteristics deemed “valuable” or worthy of love and, as a result, is able to transcend most discriminating factors. Lewis describes it as a dependency-based love which risks extinction if the needs cease to be met. (Wikipedia)
However, if there is “smothering love” where the parents over-control, the natural love tends to confine the free will of adult children. While the Ten Commandments say to “Honor your parents,” that does not mean to obey them far into adulthood. Take commands from your Heavenly Father — the One who loves you and has a plan for your life.
That means if there is no alignment with God’s will, you will have to disobey your parents. That is not the same as dishonoring them. You are the object of His love. Just like you are the object of your parents’ love, they have to learn to let you go. God does. You are now the subject who can choose to honor and respect God, the object of your love.
Eros — romantic love
The last Greek term for love is eros. It is not in the Bible. The word comes from a Greek god in mythology. When people in the modern world use the term love, especially in advertising and media, they use it as a synonym for erotic or romantic, physical attraction to another.
Lewis warned against the modern tendency for Eros to become a god to people who fully submit themselves to it, a justification for selfishness, even a phallic religion. After exploring sexual activity and its spiritual significance in both a pagan and a Christian sense, he notes how Eros (or being in love) is in itself an indifferent, neutral force: how “Eros in all his splendour … may urge to evil as well as good.” (Wikipedia)
The term eros is more self-centered. Obviously, there is a bonafide love and attraction, a fire that is contained by the boundaries of marriage, in a healthy society that both the Old and New Testaments describe.
Love given and love received
Giving love and receiving love are part of life. Sometimes you are the object. Sometimes you are the subject. Attaching to an object of your love is part of being human. That’s why it’s important to know what kind of love you are expecting from someone and giving to someone.
The unconditional love of agape is the highest goal, independent of the object. You are loving from your own integrity — you are the subject. All the other kinds of love are conditional love, and dependent. In order for relationships to survive and thrive in philia, storge, and eros love, nourish and develop agape love first for long-term love of all kinds that benefit everyone around you.
