A&E hits new lows with 'See Arnold Run'; see critic run even faster

See Arnold Run: Movie.

8 p.m. Sunday. A&E.

It's impossible to make a movie about Schwarzenegger without using the man himself. He's an outsize character, a preposterous creation. Trying to mimic him is foolish. Any programmer with the aforementioned combo of taste and smarts would have laughed the idea for "See Arnold Run" right out the door.

But no one did. Apparently this will be another calendar year during which none of A&E's executives bothers to go out and buy a box of clues. And so the laughs are all yours as "See Arnold Run" unfolds Sunday as two of the most embarrassing, ridiculous hours of filmed television in some time. Unless the producers and writers of "See Arnold Run" were attempting to create a sort of cheese fondue of lameness on purpose, then what we have here is a spectacular, across-the-board lack of accountability. "See Arnold Run" is so asinine it races past farce and approaches spoof before veering off carelessly on that dark and lonely road marked "Earnest True Life Story."

The biggest problem in "See Arnold Run" is Arnold, or German actor Jurgen Prochnow, who plays Arnold. It's a bad fit, visually. Biopics usually work when the star looks enough like the real-life figure being portrayed that you simply forget. Or, counterintuitively but no less effective, the star looks nothing like the real person, so you can focus on the story.

In "See Arnold Run," Prochnow falls achingly in between, making you laugh every time he opens his mouth and wince when they come in for close-ups. He's like an older, weirder Schwarzenegger, with bad hair and an incessant, cliched delivery. It's like a "Saturday Night Live" skit that never ends.

"See Arnold Run" actually scores an extremely rare trifecta in the "do not impersonate" category. Never do Arnold -- that's been established. But how about Nora Dunn doing Arianna Huffington -- with a broad ax? (There's your direct "SNL" connection; but, in a freaky twist, Prochnow sort of looks like the late Phil Hartman portraying Schwarzenegger. Creepy.) And lastly, just to cover all the bases, some poor actress who shall go unmentioned is recruited here to play a very young Barbara Walters and mangles it so badly that it's physically painful to watch. As in, rolling on the floor, covering your ears so as not to hear her do Walters' already over-caricatured speech pattern.

Arnold. Arianna. Barbara. Do not try this at home.

Now, there are busloads of cliches and ballrooms filled with hackneyed performances in "See Arnold Run," but hold on just a minute. It gets better. Because not only do you get German Phil Hartman as Schwarzenegger, you get Austrian bodybuilder Roland Kickinger playing the "Pumping Iron"-era Schwarzenegger. It's two! Two! Two bad roles in one!

(Actually, there are three -- for some reason the director includes black-and-white flashbacks of Arnold as a young boy sparring with his brother in an effort to show he was unloved by his father -- who looks like Hitler. But this is so incredibly schmaltzy and involves a child actor, that it becomes an act of kindness to forget it actually takes place in the movie.)

Here's a caveat. And you should heed it: "See Arnold Run" is terrible. It's a movie so bad that even Mariel Hemingway's oh-honey-you-shouldn't-have take on Maria Shriver ranks among the very least of its crimes. Yes, if you're in the right frame of mind, the Arnold-Arianna-Barbara performances will make you howl. But that is a desperately sad place to imagine yourself.

Everything else in the film just reeks of cheapness and ripped-from-the- headlines obviousness. Even Dick Wolf doesn't bring down the hammer this hard. Imagine German Phil Hartman saying "Kahl-eee-fornia" a couple dozen times. No, really -- imagine it.

Imagine these lines: "This isn't a movie, Arnold. This is politics. The hero doesn't always win." Or this: "Why is it that with all I've accomplished, I still want more? This hunger, it never goes away."

Oh, yes it does. Your stomach may never be the same.

Hemingway, as Shriver, has a doozy of a line, right after an aide says Schwarzenegger's approval ratings with women dropped 20 percent. Her phone rings: "Oprah. Girlfriend! Your timing could not be more perfect."

Oh no she didn't!

Just when you think "See Arnold Run" couldn't possibly get more ridiculous, it does. Young "Pumping Iron" Arnold goes for a run. When he finishes, he says, triumphantly, "I am Zeus!"

It won't be the only time in this two-hour window that you pray a lightning bolt strikes you dead. Later, seeking a boost of self-esteem when potential investors are laughing at "Pumping Iron," Arnold breathes out slowly and says to himself, "I am Zeus."

For the love of Greek gods, somebody get rewrite!

This hackneyed parallel is repeated when Young Arnold looks at a picture of Mr. Olympia competitor Lou Ferrigno and when German Phil Hartman looks at a picture of ex-Gov. Gray Davis. Both Arnolds trip out and say, with slow authority, "I'm bigger, stronger, greater. ..."

In some twisted way, "See Arnold Run" is an early valentine to Schwarzenegger. It portrays him as a hard-working guy with big dreams who overcame his own personality flaws, scandal and failed movies to be governor. Unfortunately, it also portrays him as a German Phil Hartman with really bad hair. Sometimes, in the movie of your life, there's no hero who can save you from your own caricature.