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Key points
- Access to a physical or virtual safe space can be very important for mental health.
- Lack of exposure to opposing viewpoints precludes some personal growth opportunities.
- Challenging questions can be handled in a constructive manner.
A safe space can be thought of as a physical or virtual environment in which people can express themselves, their opinions, and/or their identities while remaining comfortable, supported, and free from critical judgment or harm.
The concept of safe space took root in the LGBTQ+ community but then became appealing to a wide range of groups including racial and ethnic minorities, people with disabilities, religious minorities, and survivors of trauma.
Safe spaces can have guidelines that emphasize respect and confidentiality. Access to a safe space can be very important for mental health, as it can foster a sense of belonging and provide emotional support for people who otherwise might face ongoing prejudice or discrimination in their lives.
As our society has become more supportive of safe spaces, the concept has been expanded to include members of political groups of different persuasions, students at different levels of education, and other individuals who have sought shelter from societal pressures.
Some people have expressed the expectation that they will virtually always feel safe, and become upset when encountering a situation in which they feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, this viewpoint leads people to expect that others must change to maintain the integrity of a safe environment. This also can cause situations wherein people may become afraid to voice their opinions for fear of offending someone.
Some of the problems of safe spaces include that they can serve as echo chambers in which people only hear opinions like their own. Lack of exposure to opposing viewpoints precludes learning necessitated by the need to clarify one’s personal beliefs in the face of a disagreement, and personal growth opportunities, e.g., becoming more resilient.
Many people have observed that growth does not occur within a comfort zone. For instance, in psychology, we recognize that to overcome anxiety we need to step out of our comfort zone where we avoid our anxiety triggers, such as by challenging ourselves by gradually increasing exposure to our triggers.
For these reasons, I believe it’s important to find a balance between the strength we can garner from being in a safe space, and the personal growth we can attain from embracing situations outside of our safe space that make us uncomfortable.
Challenged About my Religion
As an example, I would like to share a personal experience from when I was in college in the 1970s. As a Jewish sophomore, I was living in a dorm in which eight of my nine suitemates were evangelical Christians. Many of the people in my suite became my friends, and I admired them for the equanimity that grew from their religious beliefs. However, I was challenged when they asked me why I did not want to accept Jesus, and why I chose to be Jewish.
One of the problems for me was that I had never thought of Judaism as a choice, but rather as part of my identity within a Jewish family. Further, having been raised as a non-religious Jew, I didn’t have enough background to say why I might accept or reject other religious beliefs.
If my friends’ questioning had occurred today I fear it would have been labeled as offensive and antisemitic, and perhaps shut down. However, back then I was not offended. The question was not intended to harm me but rather reflected my friends’ views that bringing Jesus into one’s life is how people are saved. I think my friends were concerned for me and expressed their care with their questioning. I think that many important discussions today could be had if all of us thought more charitably of each other.
Since I didn’t know much about my own religion, I called my father, and asked him to explain how Judaism addresses the questions I had been discussing with my Christian friends, such as what is our purpose in life, are we guided by God, and how do we know what choices are right? I learned that Jewish and Christian beliefs overlap a great deal, but that one of the main differences is that Jews do not believe in Jesus as the Messiah.
I was still sorting through my newfound religious thoughts when I went with my friends to the beach, near our college campus in San Diego. That day, I decided to fast for the first time in my life on Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, which started that evening. I took my last bite of food as I watched the sunset against a reddish horizon, and then headed back to the dorms. There, I decided to leaf through the New Testament (which, of course, is not a Jewish part of the Bible) and came across two verses that spoke to me.
Romans 11:28-29: "From the standpoint of the gospel, they [the Jews] are enemies for your sake, but from the standpoint of God’s choice, they are beloved for the sake of the fathers, for the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable."
During the following year, as I became stronger in my Jewish faith when my Christian friends asked me why I chose to remain Jewish, I would show them the verses from Romans and explain that the New Testament appears to endorse the value of Jewish people, given God’s choice. At the end of the year, one of my friends said to me in all sincerity, “Thank you for teaching me that Jews are important in this world.”
Again, if my friend’s comment was made today, people might cringe at his apparent lack of sophistication and even label it as a microaggression. An added complication today is that many comments are made on social media, and thus it becomes more difficult to ascertain the intention behind a blunt comment. I think my friend was grateful for having learned from my experiences, and I was grateful for how my friends’ questioning prompted my spiritual growth.
How to Handle Discomfort
As occurred in my case, when I ventured out of my safe home space into the college dorm atmosphere, I was confronted with challenging, somewhat uncomfortable questioning. How can we handle such situations in a constructive manner?
- As illustrated by my experiences, give the person who challenges you the benefit of the doubt. Assume they mean well. If they do not mean well it will become apparent in due course, at which point the best course of action may be to distance from them, including returning to a safe space.
- Use positive self-talk to remind yourself that you have a right to your own opinion, identity, and self-expression, even if others disagree with you. No one has the power to make you feel bad about yourself without your permission, i.e., letting their words affect you negatively.
- In general, avoid direct confrontation when responding to a challenging statement. Saying, “Your comment makes me feel unsafe,” implies that the challenger is doing something wrong, and makes it likely that they will become defensive and less willing to consider alternative viewpoints. Rather state, “Your comment doesn’t fit within my worldview. Would you like to hear my thoughts about this?” Or, “I wonder if there is a middle ground between your thoughts and mine?” Sharp rebukes should be considered carefully and used sparingly in infrequent situations when the challenger rejects constructive dialogue, and their statements clearly reflect ill-intent.
- Remain calm, even if a comment seems offensive. If you become angry this likely will lead to a confrontation, which would be unlikely to change anyone’s mind, and may escalate a tense situation. You can use self-calming techniques, such as slow, deep breathing, or calming imagery.
- Make a genuine effort to understand the reasons for a challenger’s point of view. Even if you continue to disagree after an in-depth discussion with them, both of you are more likely to walk away from the discussion with respect for one another, which may lead to rapprochement in the future.
By handling challenging situations well you can develop an inner safe space that does not require any adjustment by the outer world.
Takeaway
Making use of safe spaces coupled with frequent venturing away from them provides the best opportunities for personal growth.
