Ted Lasso Quotes
All quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso". There are a lot of quotes here! Click each episode title bar for a synopsis and additional information about the epside.
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Jane: Oh, Rebecca, I hope you don't mind. I went through your wardrobe and borrowed this dress.
Rebecca: Oh, it's a blazer. But, yes, yes. Help yourself.
Coach Beard: Those ropes are not garbage. Some of it's dirty on purpose.
Roy: Just ask me what I'm thinking about.
Keeley: What are you thinking about?
Roy: Stuff.
Coach Beard: Jane had a surprise for me.
Ted: Oh, that's nice.
Coach Beard: My passport. Which she shredded so that I wouldn't be able to leave the country.
Ted: Good thing you got dual citizenship, huh?
Coach beard: Triple. Vatican City is a country, baby.
Roy: How do you know if a girl likes you or not?
Ted: Well, um... you know, that might be a tasty, little treat for the Diamond Dogs. (Ted, Trent, Coach Beard begin whimpering )
Roy: No. No! No! No! No!
Keeley: Maybe we can get some of those fancy seats. The ones with the heaters like they have at Tottenham.
Higgins: Ooh, they're amazing... in February. You see, I accidentally turned mine on last summer and nearly melted my bottom crack together.
Rebecca: I only got into this to ruin Rupert's life. And he seems to be doing a pretty good job of that himself.
Mae: Anything else, ladies?
Deborah: I'd just like some peace of mind for my daughter. And all of her generation.
Mae: Oh, must be awful for 'em, lying awake at night haunted by how f?cking easy they've had it. (both laughing)
Ted: Hey, Trent. Look, I know folks are divided on the actual police these days, but all human beings are opposed to the laugh police.
Rebecca: You know, I was thinking I should travel abroad.
Ted: Mmm. Eat, Pray, Love style, right?
Rebecca: Well, more like Drink, Sleep, f?ck.
Jamie: Are you hungry?
Roy: Well, you're still in training, but you can watch me eat a kebab.
Jeremy: We feeling good, lads? Feeling good?
Paul: I think we're gonna win it.
Baz: Me too. Then what? Richmond win the League, what do we have left to strive for? To dream for?
Mae: Making a real connection with someone and starting a family?
Baz: (aside) Boring.
Ted: It don't make sense! Two years ago, we played so bad, we had to drop down from the Premier League to a lower league that was called...
Coach Beard: The Championship.
Ted: See, that don't make sense. Now, this year we played so well, we qualified to get into another league and that one's called...
Higgins: The Champions League.
Ted: Entirely different league, pretty much the same name though. That don't make sense. And now y'all are tellin' me that to get into the "Champions League," you can finish as low as...
Trent: Fourth place.
Ted: That don't make no sense. Why? (long pause)
Roy: Money.
Ted: Okay, see, now that makes sense.
Roy: Can I be a Diamond Dog?
Ted: Okay, hold on one second here. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hmm.
Roy: What the f?ck are you doing?
Ted: Uh, I assume we're all looking for cameras 'cause we think we're on a prank show.
Barbara: I prefer rugby. There's just more grown men throwing other grown men into the air like children. And blood. Uh, which is nice.
Will: We've just been sent a care package from Zava.
Dani: No. Thank you, but no. I will not let him hurt me again.
Will: Ooh, it's T-shirts.
Dani: Can I have two, please?
Colin: (reading the note from Zava) Good luck against West Ham. Please enjoy the T-shirts and this avocado from my farm. Never forget, I am always inside you. Zava.
Ted: Well, fellas, if you're looking for a pep talk from me, you're in trouble. 'Cause I'm like Michael Flatley at 11:59 p.m. on St. Patrick's Day, I'm tapped out.
Ted: You know, when I showed up here, I didn't know one thing about soccer. But now... Well, now I know at least one thing about football.
Sassy: Oh! That is a lot of blood.
Barbara: Yes! (stands and claps) Whoo! Whoo! Finally.
Arlo: And it's 3-2! Heaven for the Hammers. Heartbreak for the home side.
Ted: (laughs)
Roy: What the f?ck are you laughing at?
Ted: Fourteen was offside.
Rebecca: I would have preferred if they hadn't described me as the "club matriarch."
Ted: Mmm. Yeah. I mean, it does have more gravitas than "soccer mom."
Ted: Coach, is this nuts? Us leaving like this? I mean, we almost won the whole frigging thing, you know? Saying goodbye to a bunch of nice folks. A-And I know I've finally accepted that air conditioning is a privilege and not a right. (sighs) I don't know. What do you think?
Coach Beard: I can't do this. (inhales deeply) I don't wanna go, Ted. I'm in love with Jane. I wanna stay, and I don't wanna let you down. But with your permission, I'd love to run off this plane and into her arms.
Ted: Well, I mean, what about your luggage?
Coach Beard: Forget my luggage. It's full of rice.
Coach Beard: I love you, Ted.
Ted: I love you too, Willis.
Coach Beard: (screams)
Ted: Oh, boy.
Coach Beard: (screams) My appendix!
Ted: The other side, Coach.
Coach Beard: Thank you. (screams)
Henry: Can't believe I missed that.
Ted: Hey. Don't worry about all that, okay? What do we say, huh?
Henry: (sighs) Be a goldfish.
Ted: That's right. All right. Now, come on now. Get on out there.
Mr. Mann: Hey, wank?r. Don't get all cocky and f?ck up that streak you're on.
Ted: What streak?
Nathan: Don't think the cleaners actually cleaned the floor.
Jade: There are no cleaners.
Nathan: So, why do we put the chairs on the tables?
Jade: The patriarchy.
Jade: Hello. We're not open for another half hour. Would you care to wait not here?
Colin: We're actually here to speak with Nathan Shelley. He works here, yeah?
Jade: No such man exists.
Isaac: Can I have 75 kebabs to go?
Nathan: Uh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, of course. Um, chicken, pork or lamb? (pauses) Or 25 of each?
Isaac: (snaps fingers) Nate the Great.
Dottie: What are all these crazy symbols on your oven dial?
Ted: Yeah, um, well, the one with the line under the nuclear power symbol, that's for making cookies and chicken. The, uh, three squiggly lines let you burn a frozen pizza. And the key symbol there, that makes the whole thing beep until Beard comes over and fixes it for me.
Rebecca: I can't believe I'm finally getting to meet the woman who created one of the nicest humans I've ever met.
Dottie: Oh, no, don't look at me. This one popped out and immediately asked the doctor if he needed anything.
Ted: That doesn't make any sense. Babies can't talk and nor do they understand empathy.
Rebecca: If you'd like, I'd love to show you around.
Dottie: Oh, I've heard great things about the Sherlock Holmes Museum.
Rebecca: I mean around the facility.
Rebecca: I've got to go and see a man about a horse.
Ted: Oh. I didn't know girls said that when they gotta pee.
Rebecca: No, Ted, I'm buying a horse.
Ted: Y'all got a town here called "Tooting"?
Higgins: Tooting, yes.
Ted: Man, this place is great, right?
Ted: What about you, Coach? You all right if Nate comes...
Coach Beard: If you bring that Judas back, I will burn this place to the f?cking ground.
Trent: Ted? Is it true that you got onstage and danced with Bruce Springsteen?
Ted: No, that was Courteney Cox. What I did do was sing "Glory Days" with a Bruce Springsteen cover band at my friend Scott Cinnamon's bar mitzvah.
Dottie: This place is very charming. Reminds of this Irish bar I went to in Topeka.
Ted: Well, you probably don't wanna share that with Mae.
Dottie: The Irish part or the Topeka part?
Ted: Both, really.
Coach Beard: (muttering) Trying to follow the yellow brick road, where the dogs of society keep on howling.
Baz: Hey, Ted. Your mum's the bollocks.
Gary: We just became friends on Facebook.
Paul: I didn't know you were almost the drummer in Coldplay.
Jamie: There's something so sad about a suitcase. Do you know what I mean? It's like... It's like a drawer without a home.
Keeley: Hey, Jamie. Look at me. You've got a lot going on right now.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Keeley: There's a lot going on, yeah. This is the first time you've played back home since you left.
Jamie: (exhales heavily) Ooh.
Keeley: The crowd's gonna hate you. And the person who's gonna be booing the loudest in the crowd is your dad.
Jamie: I didn't think of that.
Keeley: Yeah. And I know a lot of people are shit-talking your hair online.
Jamie: They're what?
Keeley: (stammers) No! ...Think about it. If you guys win tomorrow, then you will be on the precipice of achieving everything that you've ever dreamed of.
Jamie: Oh, my God. (passes out)
(Later)
Roy: How'd it go with Jamie?
Keeley: Yeah, I f?ck?d it.
Jamie: (laying in his mother's arms as she stroked his hair) It was just poopy. You know, it really upset me. This guy on Twitter, he kept saying that it was blonde, but I'm like, "It's f?cking walnut mist, mate."
Jamie's Mum: You're not lost, my sexy little baby. You're just not sure which direction you're going in... yet.
Keeley: Richmond should have a classic old song for our fans to sing. '
Higgins: Oh, we did. Uh, when Freddie Mercury briefly owned the team in 1980, he tried to make "Fat Bottomed Girls" the team anthem. Didn't work out.
Keeley: Did a bunch of people get offended?
Higgins: Just the flat-bottomed girls really.
Gary: Hey, thanks for saving us a seat. How long have you been waiting?
Baz: Mae let me sleep here last night.
Mae: How many beers do you want?
Paul: Three, Mae.
Mae: How many beers do you want if you can't order again before halftime?
All: Twelve.
Coach Beard: Hey, Coach, I don't want Jamie to play hurt. (taps his watch) But we gotta make a decision here.
Roy: Personally, I'm fine with him playing hurt. I played hurt all the time.
Coach Beard: You can't walk up stairs.
Ted: What you looking for up there, Jamie?
Jamie: Looking for my dad. I can't find him. It's freaking me the f?ck out.
Ted: Yeah, I get that. It's like when you don't know where Freddy Krueger is. 'Cause you know it's the second he's gonna pop up and stick that knife-hand of his in your face.
Jamie: Yeah, Freddy Krueger's f?cking terrifying.
Ted: Yeah, well, he had a rough childhood. And as we all know, hurt people hurt people. Sometimes they just do it with their knife-hands. When's the last time you saw your dad?
Jamie: Wembley.
Ted: Hmm. Y'all talk since then?
Jamie: Nope.
Ted: Hmm. Okay. If you could talk to him now, what would you say?
Jamie: I'd say, "f?ck you."
Ted: Mmm, yeah. Makes sense. Anything else?
Jamie: Yeah. Yeah, I'd say, "Thank you."
Ted: You know, Jamie, if hating your Pops ain't motivating you like it used to, it might be time to try something different. Just forgive him.
Jamie: Oh, f?ck no. I ain't giving him that.
Ted: Mm-mmm, no. You ain't giving him anything. When you choose to do that, you're giving that to yourself.
Fans singing: Jamie Tartt... do, do, do, do, do, do... Jamie Tartt... Do, do, do, do, do, do.
Ted: You're a tough guy to beat, man.
Pep Guardiola: Nah, don't worry about wins or losses. Just help these guys be the best version of themselves on and off the pitch. This, at the end, is the most important thing.
Ted: I couldn't agree more, Coach.
Coach Beard: All right, buddy. I will see you at karaoke. I will of course sign us up for "Islands in the Stream." But I'm calling dibs on Dolly.
Jamie: What the f?ck happened, man? (chuckles) (Keeley laughs) Did I look sexy?
Roy: Shame you weren't injured in your f?cking head, innit?
Coach Beard: Ted and I met playing college football. He was the backup punter. I was the backup kicker. We never got in a game, but we spent a lot of time together, jogging and doing box jumps. After school, we went our separate ways. And he was dating Michelle, got into coaching. And I got into prison. When I got paroled... I had no money, family didn't want me. I had nowhere to go. So I looked up Ted. He took me in, fed me. Let me crash on his couch. And in return, I stole his car. Now, I didn't get far. And I would've gone straight back to prison if Ted didn't come down there and convince those cops that he gave me the car.
Nathan: Just like in Les Mis.
Coach Beard: Our story is very similar to Les Mis, yes.
Nathan: You went to prison?
Coach Beard: Yes. For stealing a loaf of meth. And then I stole from my friend. Who forgave me. (sighs) And gave me a job. And a life. So to honor that, I forgive you. I offer you a job. And the life part's up to you.
Rebecca: This is that time of year when I come down here and reveal something to you.
Ted: Oh, snap. That's right. Okay. Well, here we go. Uh, you know what? Maybe I should guess this year. No, no, no, that's silly. Yeah. No, you just go ahead and tell me. Go on, let 'er rip.
Rebecca: I've got nothing. Oh, I really tried as well. I mean, even on the walk over here, I was thinking something would pop into my head, but nope. Absolutely nothing. Sorry, Ted. No truth bomb this year.
Ted: Hmm. Well, that's okay. (chuckles) I got one.
George Cartrick: Nate Shelley isn't the reason West Ham are in second place. I mean, "Wonder Kid"? Come on. He was my kit man, for God's sake. (chuckles) No, Rupert Mannion is the brains behind this whole operation.
Ted: Hey, look, kind of hurts my feelings y'all don't want to spend next weekend with me, if I'm being honest. But I am the strong silent type, so I ain't gonna let you know. But I'm also loud and weak, because I, like all humans, contain multitudes. Am I right?
Ted: Let's go ahead and wish our friends safe travels and Godspeed, or whatever narcotic your deity chooses to self-medicate with.
Ted: So you're telling me it only shows up once a month? And it never skips a month?
Rebecca: Only if you're pregnant.
Ted: Mmm. Well, shoot. I got to check out this wine delivery service. Sounds like a real corker. Yes.
Ted: I'm like an incomplete list of Madeline Kahn's best films. I ain't got no clue.
Higgins: I am the director of Football Operations. And a bunch of us DFOs have a little jazz jam band we call "The Directors of Beboperations."
Ted: I'm sorry. Why is it so bad that a billionaire wants to put together a bunch of superheroes to fight crime?
Trent Crimm: Ooh, Ted, you're thinking of the Justice League.
Ted: God, dang it. Yeah, I am.
Jade: Do you want to come to Poland with me? You can help me and my family screw in light bulbs.
Nathan: (chuckles) That's very funny.
Jade: Why is it funny?
Nathan: (stammers) I don't know. Sorry. I...
Ted: Hey, Sam! Hey, look, I know this week ain't been easy on ya. (stammers) But don't forget, even the great Michael Jordan himself didn't make his high school varsity basketball team. Yeah?
Sam: Yes, Coach. But wasn't that because he was only a 5'10" sophomore and the team was in need of height, so they sent him to the junior varsity with the hope that he would develop physically? Which he did, growing 5 inches the very next summer.
Ted: I mean, if you know all the details, it does render the story a little less motivational, but my point still stands. Keep your head up. Be a goldfish. All right?
Coach Beard: Tonight, me and Jane have reserved an axe-throwing lane at Hatchet and Rye. You fellas care to join the festivities?
Ted: Hmm. That sounds equal parts fun and dangerous. What are y'all celebrating?
Coach Beard: Karma's speedy delivery of a shit sandwich to the Wonder Turd. Here, Jane made targets. (photo of Nathan on a target)
Ted: Hmm. Don't you feel it's bad karma to celebrate someone else's bad karma?
Coach Beard: No. You in?
Ted: How many axes you got now?
Coach Beard: Seventeen. But they're not all for throwing. Right.
Ted: But they're all here in the UK?
Coach Beard: Oh, yeah. Couldn't imagine being in a different country than my axes.
Rebecca: How did you get past security?
Rupert: Oh. My old mate, Renee.
Rebecca: The creepy old man that lives in the sewers?
Rupert: Oh, Rebecca, that's rude. He only works in the sewer.
Rupert: Sneaking in here today reminded me of, uh, the first match I ever saw at Nelson Road.
Rebecca: Ah, when they used to play by candlelight.
Rebecca: What happened with Nathan Shelley?
Rupert: Some people just aren't ready when they get their shot.
Roy's Sister: Phoe told me that Uncle's Day is her favorite holiday of the year.
Roy: F?ck off.
Roy's Sister: Yeah, seriously. It was, uh, Uncle's Day, Uncle Roy's birthday, and then Perchtenlaufen, the German holiday where people dress up as evil spirits and roam the streets in order to scare winter away.
Roy: She might be an old soul, but she's a proper f?cking dweeb, isn't she?
Jamie: It's your original England kit from the 2014 World Cup. Your name's on the back there. Uh, I got 'em to change the E to a U.
Roy: I love it.
Phoebe: Oh. Yeah. You owe me a pound, Jamie.
Jamie: But I didn't say nothing.
Phoebe: N-No, but you made me think it, and that's basically the same thing.
Jamie: Yeah, fair play.
Phoebe: I made it at school. The colors spell your name. Red, orange, yellow. Roy.
Rebecca: I don't want to be part of the Akufo League.
Higgins: Oh, why? Because he's an emotionally erratic billionaire with the temperament of one of those kids in Willy Wonka that gets murdered at the chocolate factory?
Rebecca: I don't think that's what happens, Leslie.
Higgins: I hate to break it to you, Rebecca, but those children are dead.
Higgins: If any of the other people start disappearing one by one due to a series of unfortunate accidents seemingly caused by their own hubris, you get the hell out of there. Do you hear me?
Keeley: What is it called when you have the opposite of the Midas touch?
Mae: The Midas shits.
Keeley: That's it. That's what I have. Everything I touch turns to shit.
Mae: Shit helps things grow, love.
Keeley: Mae? I wasn't expecting that. That's a really nice name. (chuckles) Short for anything?
Mae: Maybe.
Keeley: Is this your place Maybe?
Keeley: What would you do if someone took it all away from you?
Mae: Like the man once said, "Once you make it to the top of the mountain, what's left for you but lightning?"
Keeley: Wait, is the lightning a good thing or a bad thing?
Mae: Depends whether you're ready for it or not.
Mae: I'm gonna get you some food. 'Cause I can't have another sad, skinny girl pass out in my pub. F?cks me Yelp rating.
Bruce: You know, Lanny, when Mexico comes up here in our kitchen, the record books go right out the window.
Lanny: Well, for sure, Bruce.
Bruce: It's a tough game, but there's a begrudging mutual respect between the two teams, hey?
Lanny: Oh, they go together like nachos and poutine.
Bruce: Oh, now you've made me hungry.
Ms. Bowen: It's Coach Kent.
Roy: Hello, Ms. Bowen.
Ms. Bowen: You don't have to call me Ms. Bowen. You can use my first name.
Roy: Okay, uh...
Ms. Bowen: You don't know it, do you?
Roy: No.
Ms. Bowen: Leann.
Roy: Hello, Leann.
Ms. Bowen: I like your T-shirt. You off to protest the Vietnam War?
Roy: Phoebe made it for me.
Ms. Bowen: Ah. You look different.
Roy: (inhales deeply) Well, yeah. I don't normally dress like a f?cking clown.
Ms. Bowen: No, I don't mean the T-shirt. I mean you. You seem lighter than the last time I saw you. Less... (inhales) ...stuck.
Roy: Stuck?
Ms. Bowen: Yeah, stuck.
Roy: Hold on. Weren't you flirting with me last time I saw you?
Ms. Bowen: I teach kids. I don't mind cleaning up a mess. (chuckles) I just hope that mess didn't cause too much damage.
Roy: Fudge. It's good to see you. Yeah, you too. (leaves quickly)
Ms. Bowen: "I don't mind cleaning up a mess." (scoffs) Smooth move, fuckwitch.
Edwin Akufo: Please take your seats and let us enjoy some delicious Ghanaian bites as well as some Chicago-style hot dogs, as enjoyed by the likes of Scottie Pippen, Obama and Ferris Bueller.
Edwin Akufo: In the beginning, some people will hate it because some people hate change. But remember, at one time, we only rode horses and hated the idea of automobiles. Now we can't live without our cars, and the hot dogs we just ate are 85% horse meat. (club owners groan) Change is inevitable. Why should football not change? Why should it not evolve? Why should your profits not grow exponentially? (club owners murmur) Yes, the fans will protest. They will whine. They will make up mean-spirited but admittedly clever parody songs using our surnames and sing them outside the buildings that we own. But in time, they will come to embrace the superior product. Just as we have all embraced the automobile... the smartphone... the squatty potty. The Akufo League is the future of football. And the future is now.
Rupert: Rebecca, what do you think?
Rebecca: Is this a f?cking joke? Excuse me? What do you think you're doing? Just stop it! I mean, how much more money do any of you really need? Why would you ever consider taking something away from people that means so much to them? This isn't a game. Football isn't just a game. It's one of those amazing things in life that can make you feel shit one moment... and then, like it's Christmas morning the next. It has the ability to make heroes and villains out of ordinary men. People love this game. My father loved this game. You all used to love this game. I'm sure of it. I knew this little boy. Working-class. From Richmond. And he loved football so much, he used to sneak into the matches because his family just couldn't afford the tickets. And one afternoon, he finally got caught. And the security guard smacked him round the face, knocked him on the ground. (Rupert chuckles) But that little boy stood up, smiled, kicked the security guard in the bollocks and ran away. Never to return. Until 25 years later, when he walked in and bought the entire club. And on his first day as owner, he went and found that same security guard and gave him a pay rise without any explanation. Just because we own these teams doesn't mean they belong to us. And I don't want to be part of something that could possibly destroy this beautiful game. Because I would hate for all those little kids and grown-ups out there to ever lose access to that beautiful, passionate part of themselves.
Edwin Akufo: What a lovely speech. Now, who wants to make a lot of money?
(Cut to Akufo storming out of the room after seemingly throwing a tantrum)
Keeley: I still can't read your handwriting.
Roy: (reading the letter) Dear Keeley, I want you to know something. You never did anything wrong. It was all me. I was stuck. Stuck in my own shit. And I didn't wanna cause you any harm with it, so I pulled away. But you are... yu are and always will be Keeley f?cking Jones. And if I ever did anything... anything at all... that made you feel like that wasn't true... I'm so sorry. I love you. Sincerely yours, Roy Kent. XOXO.
Keeley: You are the only Roy I know.
Roy: Well, I didn't want to assume.
Rebecca: I just convinced a roomful of Rupert's dickhead friends to pull out of the Akufo League.
Keeley: Oh, no!
Rebecca: Oh, no, it's very good. Hug me.
Ted: Oh, that's cool! Did you draw that?
Rebecca: No, Ted, that's a David Hockney.
Ted: Oh, well, he's a very talented little boy.
Rebecca: I want to share something with you that I've realized recently.
Ted: How weird it is that Margherita pizza doesn't have alcohol in it? I'm with you, sister.
Rebecca: No, Ted. I've realized I no longer care if I beat Rupert. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I mean, I still want to win. But for all of us. For Richmond.
Ted: I wanna win for us too.
Rebecca: (After she spit tea on his face) It just feels like it's ceremonial at this point.
Ted: As long as none of that tree piss gets in my mouth, I'm actually okay with it.
Roy: You know, I didn't wanna say it at the time 'cause I'm trying to be less stuck in my f?cking ways...
Ted: But?
Roy: But I thought it was nuts to change our entire philosophy and style of play mid-season.
Coach Beard: But?
Roy: But it's f?cking great.
Coach Beard:I haven't seen 22 dudes have this good a time on grass since I saw the Grateful Dead jamming with the Black Crowes and Phish.
Ted: Ooh. I bet that was a tight show.
Coach Beard: Oh, it was a mess. But they had fun.
Roy: Whistle! Whistle! That's half. Great job.
Ted: Whoo! You hear that? Roy said y'all did a great job.
Dani: Ay, Chihuahua. I can't remember which pair is clean and which one is dirty.
Sam: You bundle your dirty socks?
Dani: Just because they're dirty doesn't mean they don't deserve to have a friend.
Ted: Uh-oh. When girl talk turns into girl hug, you know that either means something horrible's happened or absolutely nothing at all.
Keeley: I mean, I'm not heartbroken. It's more like heart-bent.
Ted: Ooh, heart-bent. I like that. It's a great title for a country song. You know, like... (singing) I'm heart-bent in my apartment 'Cause all that you left, was your fart scent.
Rebecca: All right. Goodbye, Ted.
Ted: (singing as he leaves) And now that you're gone. I wrote this song. 'Cause all you left was the smell of your farts.
Coach Beard: "Stairway to Heaven" is a glorified fingering exercise, and you all know it!
Rebecca: Oi! Kent! Get your hairy arse into my office. Now! (storms out)
Players: (murmuring, chuckling, whistling) Oooooh!
Roy: Every single one of you knows my arse isn't hairy. Yet none of you spoke up. And I will never forgive you.
Ted: So, are folks still dissecting frogs in science class these days or is it all just talking about the frog's feelings now?
Teacher: Honestly? Both.
Michelle: Ms. Ledbetter, is there anything Henry can be doing to bring up his grade in your class?
Ted: Yeah, besides helium.
Ted: You know what my favorite thing was about Sir Isaac Newton? He was so down to Earth.
Rebecca: If I ask you to do a press conference, do the f?cking press conference.
Roy: Okay. shit. I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was a big deal.
Rebecca: So you just didn't do it? Is that the plan for the rest of your life? You're just gonna walk away from everything the second it isn't fun or easy? (sighs) What do you want, Roy? Hmm? What do you really want?
Roy: I just want to be left alone.
Rebecca: Oh, bullshit, Roy! You want way more than that! You're just so convinced that you don't deserve anything good in your life, that you'd rather eat a bowl of shit soup and then complain about the portions. Get out of your own way, man. 'Cause this whole "woe is me" thing you've got going on is just f?cking ponderous.
Rupert: Knock 'em dead, killer.
Nathan: Well, I hope their kit man remembered to bring 11 body bags. (chuckles)
Keeley: So now that Jack is officially my ex, please feel free to say any of the things that you didn't like about her.
Higgins: Ooh. Her handshake was way too firm. You know... (groaning) I get it. You're friendly. (chuckles, mutters) Good riddance.
Ted: Focus up. Focus up, y'all. Coach, who we got today?
Coach Beard: Brighton and Hove Albion.
Ted: Brighton, Hove and Albion. I didn't know we were playing a law firm.
Arlo: As we enter one minute of stoppage time, the Seagulls would be thrilled to go into the locker room leading by a goal to nil. Any thoughts, Chris?
Chris: Seagulls are wretched creatures who'll steal your car keys right off your beach towel.
Roy: I don't know what happened out there, but I do know whatever it was isn't what you're really angry about. Is it?
Isaac: (sighs)
Roy: So then trust me. You got to go deal with that... or you're gonna f?ck up whatever it is you actually do care about.
Will: (interjecting) He's right, you know. The little things we get mad about are like snowflakes on a mountain. And if we wait too long, then we're just one sneeze away from an avalanche that will kill us all.
Roy: Thank you, Will.
Ted: When I was growing up back in Kansas City, I had a buddy named Stevey Jewell. Now, he was a huge Denver Broncos fan. But we were all growing up smack dab in the middle of Chiefs country. So he used to catch a lot of guff for it, you know? But me? Me, I-I told him it didn't affect the way I felt about him at all, you know? I told him that I "didn't care." (stammers) And I didn't, you know. But then in 19s... what, '97, '98, he had to watch back-to-back Super Bowls with the Denver Broncos in 'em all by himself. First one, he ate an entire seven-layer dip from Price Chopper all by himself. Big ol' thing. And it just wrecked his stomach. Apparently, he destroyed the toilet in his parents' basement. (stammers) I remember the rumor at the time being that he caused $9,000 worth of damage. Could you imagine? To a toilet. 9,000 bucks. The next year, he did the exact same thing. All by himself. He must have thought it was good luck or something. I don't know. 'Cause I wasn't there. 'Cause I "didn't care." But I should've cared. You know? I should've supported him. I-I should've been at his house both them years. Sharing that seven-layer dip with my friend while his garbage-ass team wins back-to-back Super Bowls.
Colin: Coach, did you just compare being gay to being a Denver Broncos fan?
Ted: You know what? I did, and I regret it. Yeah. Sorry about that.
Jamie: What the f?ck are Denver Broncos?
Ted: The point is, Colin... we don't not care. We care very much. We care about who you are and what you must've been going through. Yeah? But hey, from now on, you don't have to go through it all by yourself.
Trent Crimm: Better or worse than you imagined?
Colin: Uh, second-best way it could've gone, I think. Best way being the entire team confesses that they're gay too, and we get to be on the cover of Oprah's magazine.
Baz: Guy probably deserved it though, right?
Paul: Absolutely.
Jeremy: No doubt.
Mae: I hope his kids shiv him in his sleep.
Trent Crimm: Congratulations, Ted. That's eight wins in a row.
Ted: Oh, come on now, Trent. You know I don't care about winning or losing.
Coach Beard: (blows raspberry)
Ted: No, the truth is, only way I could be happier is if my arm-feet were covered in barbecue sauce.
Roy: You never talk about a streak. My grandparents were happily married for 51 years 'cause they never said a f?cking word to each other.
Roy: Yeah. All right. (sighs) You got me today. Any questions? (reporters clamoring) F?cking hell. You. Five-o'clock-shadow head.
Reporter: Coach Kent, do you or the organization condone what Isaac McAdoo did today?
Roy: What a stupid f?cking question. (reporters chuckling) Course we don't. What Isaac did was awful. He was lucky he only got a red card.
Reporter: Okay. So why'd he do it?
Roy: When I was first coming up through Sunderland, there was an old-timer on the team. Local guy. He and his wife were about to have their first kid, so during training one day, I made a joke that, statistically, I was probably the real dad. And the boys fell about laughing, but he went f?cking nuts. He battered me. Properly. I had a black eye, chipped tooth, three broken ribs. I couldn't play for six games. He got booted off the team. After that, no club would go near him. Then in the summer, after I could breathe again, I bumped into him in a pub. And I got the chance to say sorry for my stupid f?cking joke. And he got to tell me... (swallows) He and his wife had lost the baby... (reporters groaning) A month before all that went down. He hadn't told anyone. Kept it all inside. Look, I get that some people think if they buy a ticket, they've got the right to yell whatever abusive shit they want at footballers. But they're not just footballers. They're also people. And none of us know what is going on in each other's lives. So for Isaac to do what he did today, even though it was wrong... I give him love. And as for why he did what he did... that's none of my f?cking business. Next question.
Roy: Yeah, New Trent.
Marcus: Uh, Coach, let's talk about Colin Hughes.
Roy: Yeah, he's a hell of a player and a great man. I think we've underused him.
Marcus: I think you're right.
Roy: Glad we agree. I prefer you to Old Trent.
Isaac: You lied to me. For years. What is it about me that made you think you couldn't tell me?
Colin: No, it was nothing to do with you. (sighs) It was about me. I was 99% sure that you'd support me. But the 1% chance that you wouldn't scared the shit out of me.
Issac: I don't know how you did it. I can't keep a secret for shit.
Colin: I know. Another reason I didn't tell you.
Isaac: Is "top or bottom" s?x positions or sleeping arrangements?
Colin: s?xual positions. Unless bunk beds are involved. Then it's both.
Issac: Would you ever shag a woman?
Colin: No, I'm gay.
Isaac: I know, but what if you had to?
Colin: 1967 Raquel Welch.
Issac: My man.
Ted: I'll take face-to-face time over FaceTime anytime.
Ted: Still feels weird to me, you know? (chuckles) Like whenever I hear white folks call Jay-Z "Jigga man," you know?
Michelle: Or like when you see a priest wearing shorts.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Weird, you know? Or when you get pulled over by a cop who's the same age as you. You're like, "Come on, man, be cool. What we doing here?" You know?
Mae: (Whispered to Ted) Nothing's impossible.
Keeley: The one time I've been on a horse was for a photo shoot years ago. Horse was so dr?g up that it could've been the guitarist in the s?x Pistols.
Roy: Is this a game or child labor?
Trent: In late-stage capitalism, what's the difference?
Coach Beard: Word.
Ted: Hey, fellas, let me ask you something. If you could propose to someone, you know, a-anywhere in the world, w-where... where would you do it?
Roy: Paris.
Coach Brard: The Hall of Mirrors at Linderhof Palace in Germany, because if she agreed, I'd be surrounded by a thousand yeses. Or Paris. Why?
Roy: Do you wanna talk about it?
Ted: Yes, I do. Diamond Dogs, mount up!
Roy: (groans) Never f?cking mind.
Coach Beard: Coach, you have the floor.
Ted: Dr. Jacob and Michelle are getting engaged.
Higgins: Ooh. It's a hard moment when an ex moves on. Did he at least ask your permission?
Ted: Well, I'm her ex-husband, not her current father. So, no, he... No.
Coach beard: How did you find out?
Ted: He took her to Paris. Can you believe that?
Roy: That's it?
Coach Beard: Unbelievable. (sighs)
Higgins: What? Uh, Ted, I ran down the stairs for this and up some other stairs. (inhales deeply) I'm gonna have leg cramps in my sleep tonight.
Trent: Ted. You can't worry about something that hasn't happened yet.
Higgins: Ooh, what he said. If anything, you should find out before you flip out.
Nathan: I guess it's just us for the very first meeting of the... Drumroll, please. Love Hounds. (howls, chuckles) (stammers) I thought that we... we men could, uh, get together whenever we needed, every now and then, and just talk and help each other out with how things are going on in our personal lives.
Roger: Okay. Well, I'd love to talk about the stresses of taking care of my aging parents.
Nathan: (stammers) Yeah, I'll start. Um, so I... I've started seeing this girl, and it's going real well. I really like her. She's great. Um, but she's hesitant to label our relationship, and I don't know whether to give her space or whether to let her know just how strongly I feel about us being together. (breathes deeply) Disco, would you, uh... Do you got any thoughts or...
Disco: I've been divorced three times. (sighs) Never let them know how you feel. It's very expensive.
Roger: Okay. I re... I read this book that said, "If you like a woman, you should insult her."
Nathan: Okay, this meeting's over, and it'll probably never happen again.
Rebecca: Oh, please. The Eiffel Tower is just a lamppost with a publicist.
Ted: I didn't know Oscar Wilde was dead. Some of his quotes feel so modern, so of our time.
Barbara: Jack asked me to give you this.
Keeley: Ooh, what is it?
Barbara: It's... It's a statement.
Keeley: Oh. (reading) "Allow me to first offer my sincere apologies. I deeply regret that video that some of you have seen online. I'm beyond embarrassed, and I should have never made this video in the first place." "I hope you can forgive me while I learn and grow."
Barbara: Jack thought you could post it across your socials. But maybe not Facebook, 'cause that's just for, um, grandparents and racists now, isn't it?
Colin: Hey, hey, Jamie? Jamie? Can I get some Lynx?
Jamie: Yeah, sure, mate. What's your pit flavor? I've got Epic Fresh, Sport Recharge, Java, Africa, Ice Chill, Gold, Excite, Black, Dark Temptation and Leather and Cookies.
Colin: Leather and Cookies, please.
Jamie: Smart choice for a smart boy.
Colin: Hey, hold on. Once someone sends you a photo, don't you own it?
Jan Maas: Hmm, copyright law on private photography is quite murky.
Keeley: I tried to watch the video this morning, and immediately, boom, I was right back to being 15 again, reliving that moment where this topless photo I took for Jimmy Daniels was being passed around at school.
Rebecca: Ugh. Teenage boys can be awful.
Keeley: Mr. Daniels was my teacher. Oh. Well, men who act like teenage boys actually are awful. (chuckles)
Keeley: I'm not an idiot. I know there are tons of topless photos of me online. But those were my choice.
Rebecca: Absolutely. It makes a huge difference. Is there anything I can do to help?
Keeley: Restructure society so women aren't constantly sexualized while simultaneously being crucified for being s?xual?
Rebecca: You know, there might be a silver lining in all this. Just think of how many young women you are going to teach how to mast?rbat? properly.
Richard: Also, French sisters. (sighs) Spanish twins. (voice breaks) Mom and daughter in Mexico. Ah. I'll miss you all. (sighs) Merci.
Roy: You okay?
Keeley: All things considered, yeah. Yeah.
Roy: Good. Good.
Keeley: And you?
Roy: Oh, me, yeah, I'm... I'm good. Who was it for?
Keeley: What?
Roy: The video. Who was it for?
Henry: We're starting a band.
Ted: Starting a band? Really? All right. What instrument are you gonna play?
Henry: Drums.
Ted: Okay. Well, your mom's gonna love that. You know what? Now might be a good time to let you know that Dave Grohl learned to play drums on pillows. We don't have to tell your mom that though right away.
Jack: This is Alyssa. We went to uni together.
Keeley: Oh.
Jack: And this is my friend, Keeley Jones.
Mae: What have you three been up to today?
Henry: We went to the West Ham game.
Mae: Then you don't drink in this pub.
Coach Beard: You know what this song's about?
Henry: Someone named Jude.
Coach Beard: Not just someone. A little boy named Jude. And one day his mom and dad decided to break up. Hmm, you know, get divorced. And that made Jude real, real sad. Now, Jude's dad had a best friend, and that best friend was real worried about Jude and all his sad feelings. So he wrote him this song, hoping that, well, the words might help him somewhere down the road.
Henry: The long and winding road?
Coach Beard: Hey, Henry. You have a great mom and dad, and they love you tons, even though it's weird they live in different countries. And I know right now it feels like you're in a sad song. But you, young man, you have the power to take a sad song and make it better.
Henry: Oh, I like that. Yeah, me too. But you know what the best thing about this song is?
Henry: What? (busker hits high note)
Coach Beard: This! (busker singing chorus) (all sing along)
Jade: Didn't you win today?
Nathan: Oh, yeah. But... No. Uh... That's okay though. Already working on the next one, so...
Jade: You should enjoy your victories. (sighs) It looks like they did. (pointing at photo of Coach Beard, Ted and Henry at the game) (Nathan Smiles) There it is.
Nathan: What?
Jade: I love your smile. I like to see my boyfriend happy.
Nathan: Boyfriend. Hmm.
Keeley: Jamie, this is not your fault.
Jamie: No, it... it is my fault. And let... Let me just... I just need to tell you. I deleted it off my phone way back when we broke up. I deleted everything. I mean, not straightaway, 'cause... (stammers) ...I did think that you and me was maybe gonna get back together again. But then you started going out with Roy, and that's when I deleted most of it. Well, like, half. But that was mostly out of anger, to be honest. Because, well... (stammers)...I think... I thought the only reason that the two of you was going out was to make me jealous. But... Uh... (inhales deeply) Then I saw it was real, and then... Then I... then I got rid of it all. I just forgot about the f?cking emails. It's so stupid. I should have been more careful. I should have picked a stronger password or something.
Keeley: Oh, no. Don't tell me your password was "password," Jamie.
Jamie: Yeah. Well, to be fair, I did think I'd fool 'em 'cause I spelled it with two S's.
Michelle: Did you have fun with your dad?
Henry: Yeah. He's gonna buy me a drum kit.
Michelle: Oh, is he really?
Michelle: You know, Dave Grohl learned to play drums on pillows.
Coach Beard: At the 1974 World Cup, the tiny country of the Netherlands came out of nowhere and made it all the way to the World Cup Final, playing the home team, heavily favored Germany. Those Dutch hippies scored before the Germans even touched the ball.
Jan Maas: Yeah, but Holland lost that game.
Coach Beard: Correct. But along the way, they won the hearts of fans all around the world with a style of play... dare I say, a philosophy... called Total Football. Which, coincidentally, Coach dreamed up in a barbecue-sauce-related hallucination just last week.
Ted: No, it's true. But hey, it's not about me. Go on, keep shining.
Coach Beard: The best player on that team and the godfather of Total Football was this guy. Can anyone tell me who this is?
Isaac: That's Tim Robinson from I Think You Should Leave.
Coach Beard: No. It is Dutch football legend, Johan Cruyff.
Jan Maas: It's pronounced Cruijff.
Coach Beard: My apologies. With Total Football, Johan Cruijff...
Jan Maas: That's it.
Coach Beard: ...took his small club Ajax to three straight European titles. Now, he later became a coach, first at Ajax, and then he took Total Football to Barcelona, where he won the Spanish championship four years in a row. Now a central cog of that team was an industrious but brilliant midfielder named Josep Guardiola. AKA Pep.
Ted: Look at that head of hair. God had to take it away just to balance things out, you know?
Roy: Hmm.
Coach Beard: Pep became a coach as well, honing his own version of Total Football that he took to Barcelona and Bayern Munich, eventually landing at our great white whale, Manchester City. (players boo) Where he briefly coached a very talented young player... until that beautiful dum-dum quit to go do a reality show. (players laugh)
Jamie: I was robbed!
Coach Beard: Total Football is about constant movement. Players are no longer in set positions. Defenders are free to attack. Attackers are trusted to defend. It's about taking risks and supporting each other's choices.
Sam: Like when your friend wears something new and outside his comfort zone, and instead of ignoring it, everybody pays him a compliment. (players murmuring in agreement)
Colin: By the way, great hat, Ash.
Roy: It's pretty sweet. Hmm.
Ted: Yeah, it frames his face nicely.
Coach Beard: Exactly. Total Football is about letting go of your baggage and trusting your intuition. It's jazz. It's Motown. It's Mamet. It's Pinter. It's Einstein. It's Keurig. It's Gaga! It's my mother proudly displaying her vibrator on the bedside table! It's about throwing off the constraints put upon you by society and by yourselves! We all know football is life. But a beautiful life... is Total Football.
Roy: You turn those frowns upside down 'cause we're f?cking doing this. We're gonna drill it, we're gonna train it and then in a couple of months, we're taking Total Football to the f?cking pitch.
Ted: No, actually we're gonna do it this Saturday against Arsenal.
Roy: Well, that's f?cking mental.
Ted: Oh, hush your butts! Hush your butt! Let's go. come on. No, no, no. Ah, cool it. It's gonna be fine. I don't wanna hear it. Let's go, come on! I hear butts! Hush your butt, hush your butt, hush your butt. Gotta hush them butts. Isaac, come on, be a captain. Get that butt hushed. I don't wanna hear it, Van Damme. Hush your butt.
Nathan: Siri.
Siri: Yes, Wunderkind?
Nathan: How can you tell if a girl likes you or is just being nice to you?
Siri: You can't.
Coach Beard: So now I'm starting to get all these subtle, little hints from Jane. Like, certain magazines left on the coffee table and always hearing about her friends who are doing it.
Ted: Well, marriage is a big commitment, you know?
Coach Beard: No, I'm talking about pegging.
Ted: Oh. Well, still. (chuckles) Wait, what magazines?
Mae: We win, this place is packed. We lose, it's like this. (sighs)
Richard: I actually prefer it. You can finally hear yourself think in here.
Mae: F?ck off.
Baz: Hey, Lasso. We wanted to apologize.
Ted: What for?
Baz: For getting all soft on you.
Jeremy: Yeah, we humanized you and lost all objectivity.
Paul: Main reason why farmers don't name their livestock.
Jeremy: And why we don't learn the names of Baz's brother's girlfriends anymore.
Paul: Because he's a male wh?re.
Baz: Exactly. So we're gonna backslide a little bit. Now what the f?ck are you doing to our team, wank?r?
Ted: Why don't you come watch training tomorrow? See for yourselves. We ain't running a chocolate factory or Deutsche Bank. We got nothing to hide from y'all.
Coach Beard: Coach, you sure it's smart to invite fans to our practices?
Ted: It's their team. We're just borrowing it for a little while.
Ted: All right, my Merry Pranksters. If we're gonna play Total Football, there are four things we need to focus on. All right? Number one, conditioning. Y'all gotta get into even better shape. Number two, versatility. Number three, awareness. And number four... I don't know what that one is yet. But I know it's important.
Roy: Whistle! On your feet, maggots! (players muttering) Right. Today you're gonna run from end to end to end to end. But lucky for you, I'm in a good mood. So you've only gotta do that for the whole f?cking practice. Whistle!
Baz: Why doesn't he just use a whistle?
Jeremy: He's allergic to metal.
Paul: Football stars, they're just like us.
Rebecca: I think she might be love bombing you.
Keeley: She's "love what-ing" me?
Rebecca: Love bombing. That's when you're bombarded with expensive gifts and trips and grand gestures of love.
Rebecca: (To Keeley) I'm not saying that Jack is like Rupert. But sometimes shiny things can tarnish.
Server: Actually, the bill was already taken care of by Jack. She said she hopes you both enjoyed your meal.
Rebecca: What a massive surprise.
Keeley: Wow, yeah.
Rebecca: Well, then I think we ought to have some tiramisu. Don't you?
Keeley: Definitely.
Rebecca: Oh, and, uh, two bottles of the '34 Ch?teau Cheval Blanc Saint-Emilion Premier Grand Cru to go. And one for yourself.
Ted: Bumbercatch, did you just puke whole Cheerios?
Moe: Yes, Coach. I like to eat my breakfast without chewing. To conserve my energy in case an impending class war breaks out.
Jamie: Hey, Coach. Uh, there's been a mistake. I got me.
Ted: Oh, no, Jamie, that's not a mistake. We just figured you'd wanna keep doing what you do best for us. Playing striker and scoring goals, right?
Jamie: Uh, yeah.
Isaac: Coach, I ain't never taken a corner before.
Ted: No, I know. That's 'cause you were put into a box, Isaac. As a ten-year-old little boy with the strength and facial hair of a grown man. The box of a center back who was never allowed to take a corner kick. Well, my friend, that box ceases to exist today.
Trent Crimm: I just want to make sure I have this right. You're gonna change tactics at this stage in the season and replace it with a totally new method that the boys are clearly struggling to understand. And you think this is a good idea?
Ted: Mmm. Well, Trent, the way I see it, it's kind of like taking a hike with Robert Frost. It could go either way. Hmm?
Ted: Okay, any questions so far?
Jamie: Uh, yeah, Coach. What's with the red string?
Ted: Ah, great question. In Japanese culture, they have a myth where they believe that all soulmates are connected by an invisible red string. And those strings are attached to each of their little fingers. Hmm?
Jamie: Okay, so why is it tied around our dicks? (players muttering)
Ted: Yeah. Well, you know, that was Roy's idea. Uh, but I'm pretty sure the thought behind it is that it is nearly impossible to not be fully aware of what your teammate's doing when y'all got a rope tied around your dingdong. Am I right about that, Roy?
Roy: Yeah. Something like that.
Nathan: Would you like to go on a date with me?
Jade: Yes.
Nathan: Good. Good.
Roy: I've given this a lot of thought. Next time we do this drill, we tie multiple guys' dicks to one guy's d?ck. Yeah?
Coach Beard: That was a one-shot deal, Roy.
Ted: Yeah, I'm pretty sure we cooked that whole bird already, Coach.
Roy: Huh. Shame.
Trent Crimm: There is no number four?
Ted: Like the man once said, "Sometimes you gotta leave space to let God walk into the room."
Trent Crimm: Ah. So, number four is God?
Ted: Oh, no. I don't think so. Coach?
Coach Beard: I'm an atheist.
Ted: Mm-hmm. Roy?
Roy: I f?cking hope not.
Ola: My son, listen to me. Don't fight back. Fight forward.
Rebecca: At the beginning, Rupert bought me so many tulips for so long, his florist was able to buy a castle.
Keeley: What?
Rebecca: I mean, it was in Scunthorpe, but still. A castle.
Keeley: Well, I'm taking Jack out tonight. And if she tries to pay, then I will give her...
Rebecca: You'll give her what?
Keeley: Just the tip? (both chuckle)
Arlo: Richmond have been mired in a run of poor form, and you have to applaud Ted Lasso's efforts to try something new. But this... What's the word I'm looking for, Chris?
Chris: "Sucks," Arlo. The word is "sucks."
Mae: It's over. We're gonna get relegated again, and I'm gonna have to go back to filling the sausages with cardboard.
Ted: I remember back in the early days of my coaching career, feeling compelled to express my individuality. Since I was a straight fella in Middle America working in sports and I was scared of tattoo needles, the only real option for me to do so was through my facial hair. And, uh, obviously I couldn't grow a beard. Otherwise, Coach and I here would, uh, look like a ZZ Top cover band.
Roy: Would've been called "Sharp Dressed Men."
Ted: Ooh, that's nice.
Roy: God, I hate what you've f?cking done to me.
Ted: Luckily, around that time there was this quartet of stand-up comedians known as the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. And along with their observational humor, fun banter and numerous catchphrases, they also possessed the four most common types of facial hair. Now, Ron White, who was my favorite, he was clean-shaven. That's one way to go. But then you had Larry the Cable Guy, and he had himself a big old, bushy goatee. (stammers) And Bill Engvall, he also had a goatee actually. But it was, um, you know, smaller and, uh, more manicured. Not touching the sides here.
Coach Beard: Also known as a Vandyke.
Ted: Thank you, Coach. And then you had Jeff Foxworthy of course, who, uh, had a mustache. So, check it out. I went ahead and rolled the dice and grew myself one of them big, bushy Cable Guy goatees. And I thought I looked great. Until Coach Beard here took me aside, right as I was about to walk down the aisle, and told me something I needed to hear. Remember what you said to me?
Coach Beard: "Your goatee makes it look like you ate out bigfoot's butthole."
Ted: That's right.
Roy: AKA "ass-squatch."
Ted: You're on fire.
Roy: Make it stop.
Ted: No, no. Coach was right though. Not a good look. Not on this face. So I shaved that puppy down right into a Foxworthy, and I never looked back. Point is, a lot of times the right idea is just sitting behind a couple of the wrong ones. Yeah?
Jamie: I ain't doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong.
Players: Whoa!
Jamie: I mean... I mean... No, I mean, I think we're all doing it wrong. (stammers) If we want this to work, you gotta stop going to me and start playing through me. You get me?
Jamie: I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be playing forward. I should be here, in the center. I should be here, right? Let Dani go up front. Move Colin over there. Richard there. So, stop going to me, right? And start going through me. All right? That's Total Football.
Dani: And there it is. Numero cuatro. Sacrifice. Putting aside personal glory on behalf of the team.
Ted: Ooh. I like that. But that ain't number four.
Trent Crimm: Ted. It's going to work.
Ted: Great. What is?
Trent Crimm: Total football.
Ted: Okay. Why?
Trent Crimm: And I'll tell you why. The Lasso way. You haven't switched tactics in a week.
Ted: I haven't?
Trent Crimm: No. You've done this over three seasons.
Ted: I have?
Trent Crimm: Yes. By slowly but surely building a club-wide culture of trust and support through thousands of imperceptible moments, all leading to their inevitable conclusion. Total Football.
Ted: Well, how about that.
Roy: (Referring to Trent Crimm) What a f?cking dork.
Ted: Yeah. But he's our dork.
Jack: (To Keeley) You little love bomber.
Colin: Bumbercatch is trying to fix your sign.
Moe: Neon signs are just a bunch of illuminated, gas-discharge tubes. So I thought I'd give it a shot. Screwdriver.
Ted: Man, we can't even get a goal for an exhibition match.
Roy: Friendly.
Ted: Ain't nothing friendly about what happened out here.
Coach Beard: They call exhibition matches friendlies.
Ted: Man, this sport drives me nuts.
Reporter: Roy Kent, don't you think Richmond's objectively poor performance is, uh, due to the fact that you're nothing without Zava?
Roy: Who cares? It's a f?ck?ng friendly. A friendly is a pretend match. This is a pretend conversation. You're a pretend person with a pretend job. And I'm having a really hard time pretending to give a shit.
Keeley: Tonight is the best aurora borealis ever. Like, it's the aurora "boreal-iest." In Norway. And Jack and her plane are waiting for me at the airport right now.
Roy: (referring to Keeley) Where's she going?
Rebecca: Somewhere that believes they deserve her.
Coach Beard: Think only you can get these guys out of their pineapple percussions.
Ted: Doldrums. Nice.
Ted: All right, let's be careful out there. Hill Street Blues.
Rebecca: What is it that you wanted to tell me?
Boat Owner: You're walking on the bike lane.
Coach Beard: Remember when Jordan wouldn't wear Reebok in the '92 Olympics?
Ted: Of course.
Coach Beard: '74 World Cup, Cruyff refuses to wear Adidas, they gotta make him a special two-striped shirt. He was a badass.
Ted: Hmm.
Coach Beard: But he was also a paragon of the '60s, so he was bigger than Jordan, really. He was like Jordan and John Lennon combined.
Ted: I don't know what's going on with me, Coach. It's like I'm feeling stuck or something, you know? I-I need to do something to help me get me out of my head. Like get punched in the face or, uh, drink a couple of bottles of red wine and yell at my mom. You know, just... I wanna try something new. Help me get inspired.
Coach Beard: I've been waiting for you to say those words for a very long time.
Dani: I really want the tulip experience that everyone talks about.
Higgins: Here we are. (sighs) His name was Chet Baker. American, gifted trumpeter, unique singer and a h?r?in addict. He was tortured by demons, but they didn't stop him from making beautiful music. He's what got me into jazz in the first place, you know.
Will: Oh.
Higgins: You hear his story and you think, "There's nothing more punk rock than that." (inhales deeply) Then, on the 13th of May, 1988, he passed away on this very spot.
Will: Oh, wow. H-How was it he died?
Higgins: Uh, he fell from, uh, that window up there. But was it an accident? Did he jump, or was he pushed?
Will: And we're gonna solve that mystery tonight?
Higgins: No, no. We're just here to pay our respects to a legend. What led to his death? We don't know, Will. Mmm. We only know this... dr?g are bad.
Will: Yes. No, they are.
Coach Beard: My man, Kenneth the bus driver, hooked me up a couple of weeks ago.
Ted: Wait, so you travel with it? I thought they had plenty of that stuff here.
Coach Beard: Well, I just don't like my medicine to be taxed.
Ted: You know, I've always been more of a beer man or, uh, Sour Patch Kids.
Coach Beard: Sour Patch Kids don't form literal new pathways in your brain. Picture a sheet of fresh, white snow covering all the footsteps of all the paths that you've trod before, forcing you... Nay, encouraging you... to begin anew.
Coach Beard: Most people put it in peanut butter and jelly or yogurt.
Ted: Uh-huh. And which one we doing?
Coach Beard: Neither. We're doing tea.
Ted: Oh, come on, man. Are you kidding me? That's like hiding poop inside a smoothie of barf.
Isaac: Where we at? We have nine votes for s?x show. Nine votes for private party. And one vote for tulip. That leaves us with two. S?x show versus private party.
Dani: And I think someone picked tulip, yes? But who?
Isaac: Dani, you wrote it in Spanish.
Dani: Someone wrote it in Spanish, yes.
Jan Maas: (In Dutch) Can you please tell my friend that he is being a boring tourist?
Saskia: What is your name?
Zoreaux: Everybody calls me Van Damme.
Saskia: Okay, Van Damme, would you prefer to pay to watch two tired people have s?x or rather go to a party where perhaps you could get some yourself?
Zoreaux: They're... They're tired?
Saskia: Exhausted.
Zoreaux: (sighs)
Rebecca: Should I be concerned that you've got a giant Tupperware box of women's clothing in your floating house? These aren't trophies, are they?
Jamie: They put a dam on the river Amstel. "Amsteldam." Amsterdam.It's good, innit?
Roy: Come on. f?cking stop for a f?cking second! Please. God. How do you know so much about here?
Colin: Have you got vanilla vodka?
Bartender: Dear God, no.
Colin: A beer, please. Thank you.
Bartender: There you go, sweetie.
Colin: Oh, thanks. (stammers) Hey, can I ask, do you know who I am?
Bartender: Can I tell you a secret? Tonight, you're whoever you want to be.
Colin: Hmm? Yeah.
Bartender: You should stick around for the party later on. Thunderdong. Good vibes, good place to make friends.
Rebecca: So, uh, should I be worried about some giant Dutch woman wandering on here and strangling me for wearing her clothes?
Rebecca: Wait, is this some Dutch bloke singing "She Believes in Me" by Kenny Rogers?
Boat Owner: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This Dutch bloke is the great Andre Hazes, and he's singing "Zij Gelooft in Mij," all right?
Roy: When I went to Sunderland, my granddad told me he'd teach me how to ride when I came back for Christmas, and then he f?cking died, and I haven't been on a bike since. And now I'm saying that out loud, I realize that never learning was actually a great disrespect to his memory and now I feel ashamed. So can we stop talking about it and go back to me just taking out my negative emotions on you, even if you deserve it or not?
Jamie: Go on, Roy. For Granddad.
Higgins: We're sitting here?
Will: Well, yeah. You know, you said pick good seats, so...
Higgins: Yeah, but these are so... (sighs) ...exposed.
Will: Oh, no. It's like the time I was front and center at an improv comedy show. Are they gonna make a song about how I look like an altar boy?
Colin: Well... (breathes deeply) my whole life is two lives really. You got my work life. Like, no one at the club knows. I'd... I'd like to think they wouldn't care, but... it's just easier that way. Then you got my dating life. Some guys think it's hot. Others say they don't care, but eventually they get tired and they move on. Then the club brought in Dr. Sharon... and she helped me realize that I have... an ache. An ache for both my lives to be my only life. I don't want to be a spokesperson. I don't want a bunch of apologies. All I want is for when we win a match, to be able to kiss my fella the same way the guys get to kiss their girls. And I know we can't fix every ache inside of us. But I shouldn't have to pretend it's not there either.
Museum Docent: (While Ted is staring at the Van Gogh painting "Sunflowers") "One doesn't expect to get from life what one has already learned it cannot give, rather, one begins to see that life is a kind of sowing time... and the harvest is not yet here." He was just a humble preacher's son. And yes, he had his demons, but they never stopped him from searching for beauty. Because when you find beauty, you find inspiration. If, that is, you stay as determined as Vincent. Never stop, no matter how many failures. When you know you're doing what you're meant to do, you have to try.
Ted: Where I'm from... Kansas, my home... This here, this is our state flower.
Museum Docent: (Hands Ted a notebook) I want you to have this. Uh, we close in three minutes.
Ted: Mercy buckets.
Museum Docent: Yep.
Isaac: Enough! We are riven by this crossroads! Is this it? (breathing shakily) Should we huddle around the laptop for a movie night? How else d-do we proceed? How doth we channel this lack of compromise? This dissension? This rage?
Jamie: I've been to Amsterdam twice. When I was 14, me dad was trying to get back with me mum, and he was acting like some kind of f?ck?ng super dad or some sh?t, and he brought me out here for some father-son bonding time. Anyway, he said it was to watch a football match. After the game, he took me to the red-light district for my real present. He, uh... He took me to lose my virginity to those ladies behind the windows.
Roy: Jesus. Must have been traumatizing.
Jamie: No. She loved it.
Roy: I was a d?ck today too. I'm sorry. I think Keeley's got a girlfriend.
Jamie: Hmm. Let's go find us some windmills, eh?
Aiden: Welcome to Yankee Doodle Burger Barn. Table for one?
Ted: Yes, please. Yeah. Hey, where in the States you from?
Aiden: Melbourne. Plenty of room tonight, where would you like to sit? Windy City, Big Apple or Hollywood?
Ted: Oh, well. Tell Mama that Roxie Hart is coming home. Lipschitz.
Aiden: (looks confused)
Ted: Chicago.
Aiden: (looks confused)
Ted: Windy City.
Aiden: Great, mate. Giddyap.
Gen: Here's your onion ring pyramid and your freedom fries.
Ted: Thank you.
Gen: You enjoying the game?
Ted: Oh, yeah. Hey, you know what? I bet you a thousand bucks the Bulls will win 107 to 86. I'm just kidding. I remember watching this game as a kid with my dad. Yeah. I used to love watching basketball with him.
Gen: Thank you for sharing. And please feel free to choose from our menu of 50 Nifty United Sauces. And there's a lovely queso from Puerto Rico.
Ted: You know what? Um, how about you just surprise me?
Marv Albert: And the Bulls drop into their triangle offense, creating constant movement between the players. It's been the key to their success this season. It opens up for Jordan. He shoots. Yes!
Ted: Pyramid ain't nothing but a triangle. Actually, three triangles all leaning on each other.
Voice: Hello, Ted.
Ted: Hey, that's me. Who are you?
Voice: I am the True Spirit of Adventure.
Ted: Ooh, I like that. Well, what's shaking, TSA?
Voice: Do you know where triangles come from, Ted?
Ted: I don't know. God dropped a square on the floor and it broke in half long-ways or something?
Voice: No, Ted. It's debated that the triangle was first defined by Pythagoras as any shape with three sides and three corners.
Ted: That's a good theorem.
Voice: But throughout history, many believe that triangles have held special powers. Oh, yeah. From the Holy Trinity of Christianity to the trikaya of Buddhism. There's also that spooky eye thing on the back of the one-dollar bill. In some Native American cultures, the triangle symbolizes home.
Ted: I'm sorry Europeans kicked all them folks out of their triangle.
Voice: But the concept of the triangle reached its zenith in 1989 when a man called Tex Winter, an assistant coach for your Chicago Bulls introduced his triangle offense. The central component of which was for a player to always have two available teammates to whom he could pass the ball. These three players formed...
Ted: A triangle.
Voice: Bingo, Ringo. But that was never the only triangle on the court. For when the players moved, they created more and more triangles.
Ted: Hey, you're right.
Voice: Actually, Ted, you're right.
Restaurant Staff: (Singing) Yankee Doodle Burger Barn Happy birthday. Yankee Doodle Burger Barn Happy birthday, Mel. World War II was won by America. But the West was liberated Thanks to Canada. Hey!
Higgins: Let's get lost now! (starts to play the upright bass)
Will: You speak Dutch?
Coach Beard: Don't tell Jan.
Ted: Wait, let me guess, Piggy Stardust.
Coach Beard: Rashers to rashers, oink to oinky.
Ted: I love it.
(both imitate explosion)
Ted: Let me ask you a question here. Is this anything? (hands Coach Beard his notebook) The way I see it, we've been playing too rigid, you know? Our guys need freedom. Go wherever they wanna go. Follow their guts, their hearts. Uh, as long as they remember to fill in the space that someone left behind. They gotta have one another's backs, that's for sure. But, you know, it's just constant, nonstop motion. Just going from position to position until positions don't really, um, even exist anymore. It's fast, fluid, free. With full support.
Coach Beard: You come up with this yourself?
Ted: Yeah?
Coach Beard: Congrats. You should call it Total Football.
Ted: Ooh, I like that.
Coach Beard: Which was invented right here in Holland in the '70s.
Ted: Oh. Hmm. You think we should try it?
Coach Beard: Yes, I do.
Ted: Hey, boss. So, 12 unanswered texts, three un-haha'ed GIFs. We good?
Rebecca: Oh, I'm sorry, Ted. My phone is at the bottom of a canal.
Ted: Is that Keats?
Rebecca: Nope.
Ted: Everything okay, boss?
Rebecca: (singing) Don't worry, about a thing. 'Cause every little thing's Gonna be all right.
Ted: Well, I appreciate it.
Coach Beard: (singing) Singin', don't worry, about a thing. 'Cause every little thing Gonna be all right.
Rebecca: Whoo!
Coach Beard: Everybody!
Baz: I knew positive thinking was bullshit!
Ted: Hey, Boss. What's going on?
Rebecca: I just have one quick question for you. (screaming) Are we ever gonna win another f?cking match?
Ted: Um... Well, I hear the concern in your voice and its volume. And it's funny 'cause we were just brainstorming in here, coming up with some real strong solves. You know what we're gonna do? Pretend this club was a ship. We're gonna take that ship, we're gonna turn around. Go against the tide, (pointing) point that baby right at the North Star and follow it all the way home.
Rebecca: (pointing in a different direction) That's north, Ted.
Jessica: My shite in nining armor. What? ( chuckles ) I just...
Rebecca: What did you say?
John: You jumbled your words there a bit.
Jack: (about Barbara) You ever think sunshine gets jealous of her?
Shandy: Now that your little, uh, cool girls meeting's done, just wanted to share the exciting news that I've started an app. Oh. It's like Bantr, but it's better and cooler and actually cares about helping people have s?x with celebrities... It's called "Star Fuckr."
Jamie: Man, how the f?ck does Nate bag a baddie like Anastasia?
Zoreaux: Oh, maybe she made a bet.
Moe: Oh. In, like, She's All That.
Jan: Yes! But Nate does not have glasses and a ponytail hiding his beauty.
Isaac : Nah, f?ck no. His transformation's gonna be on the inside. Yeah.
Colin: You know, She's All That is just the film version of the musical My Fair Lady.
Sam: Which is based on the George Bernard Shaw play Pygmalion.
Dani: I love pigs. They are cute but also have the same intelligence as a human toddler.
Zoreaux: Hey, Zava. What do you think of Anastasia?
Zava: I don't. My wife, Christina, is the only woman I see with clarity. Every other woman is a... ( inhales deeply ) ...smudge. Wow. My wife is sexy, but in a girl-next-door kind of way. Glasses, ponytail, she paints.
Dani: Like the girl in She's All That.
Zava: Like what?
Jamie: It's a movie...
Zava: I don't care about, uh, moving pictures. My favorite thing to watch is my wife.
Coach Beard: Man City. (scoffs) I can't believe our white whale has the same name as the strip club where I danced in college.
Trent Crimm: Everything okay, Ted?
Ted: Uh, Henry got bullied at school this morning.
Coach Beard: (angrily) If we leave right now and take the connecting flight through Paris, we can be in Kansas by noon, and that punk's house will be in ashes by 12:30!
Roy: No, no. Best thing you can do with bullies is ignore them. Then you sneak into their house at 4:00 a.m., which, statistically speaking, is the hour people are least prepared to defend themselves. And once you're standing over them, as they sleep in their bed, you start to beat them. With a thick, heavy rope soaked in red paint. Pummeling them over and over until they wake, confusing the paint for their own blood. When they beg you to stop, you laugh as loud as you can, for as long as you can. (Ted gulps) And then you start to beat them again. (Trent drops his mug)
Ted: Mmm. Yeah. You know, I may just hold off on anything like that until I connect with Michelle and just get the details, see what actually happened.
Roy: Yeah, all right. Yeah, fair enough.
Higgins: The thing is, the club is going in the wrong direction, and I fear that it has little to do with the quality of our players. Therefore, if we don't do well against City, we may have to consider... Think about thinking about possibly, maybe focusing on theoretically, as it were, changing the manager of our club.
Rebecca: You want to fire Ted?
Higgins: At what point during any of that did it seem like something I wanted to do?
Higgins: My Aunt Devorah has a touch of the shine, a little bit of the inner eye. And she predicted that Julie and I would have five children, all boys. And look at us now. Just a house full of soaking wet toilet seats.
Nathan: (on the phone) Oh, um, hello. Uh, I'm glad that I've caught you. It's, uh, Nathan Shelley. Uh, I really enjoyed meeting you the other night, and I was hoping that we could meet for another drink. (inhales deeply) Yeah, sorry, Mum. I'm just, uh, practicing for the... Yeah. How was I?
Barbara: Did you tell Shandy to call Emma Jayye at 4:00 in the morning, whilst drunk on "espresso martinis," to pitch her an idea for "c?nd?m for balls"?
Keeley: What?
Keeley: Shandy. Can I speak with you, please?
Shandy: Can you give me 30 minutes?
Keeley: No, now.
Barbara: Please can I watch?
Keeley: Barbara.
Shandy: Hi. I can give you five minutes, then I have to go downstairs and meet with a potential assistant. She's scared of elevators. It's cute, right?
Keeley: Can you come have a seat, please? (sighing) Yeah. Shandy...
Shandy: Am I getting a raise?
Keeley: You are so brilliant. But...
Shandy: My bold determination? What the f?ck? (storms out) All right! Listen up, sheep. I was just let go because some people can't handle working with an innovator. So, I'm starting my own PR firm to take this place down. Who's coming with me? I'll pay you double what you're making here. Who's coming with me? (nobody speaks) All right. Three months holiday every year, company car, massage table in the office with a licensed masseuse. Who's coming with me?
Dan: (stammers) I'll go with you.
Shandy: Not you, Dan. Right. Barbara. I know you're with me.
Barbara: I couldn't be less with you.
Shandy: That's because you're a coward, and I f?cking hate you. I hate all of you! (sobs and hugs Keeley) Oh, Keeley, please let me stay. (sobbing) I just love it here so much. We're a family. I love you.
Keeley: You're gonna be fine, Shandy. I pro...
Shandy: No, I'm not! Oh, you bunch of fascist f?cks! I f?cking... You f?cking ten-percenters. Yeah, that's what you are. You know what? f?ck you all. (takes laptop)
Barbara: That's ours.
Shandy: Well, f?ck off then. Dan, let's go.
Dan: Actually, I'm staying.
Shandy: Suck my d1ck.
Zava: You see, I am no prophet. Prophets believe in something. I do not just believe. I know in my heart, in my bones, in my well-defined delts, traps and glutes that there is no opponent this team cannot conquer.
Jamie: I literally just said that.
Zava: You will not win because of me. You will win because you work together. Because together... you can achieve anything.
Dani: Manchester City is going down! (cheering)
Jack: Can I borrow your office to make some calls?
Barbara: Oh, yes, of course. Just don't look in my desk drawer. (leaves)
Jack: (to Keeley) I'm definitely gonna look in those drawers.
Ted: Why can't the world just have one big time zone, you know?
Coach Beard: The sun.
Ted: Right, the gosh-dang sun.
Nathan: Hello, Jade. um... Shelley. Uh, reservation for two. Thank you.
Jade: And you, miss? How can I help you?
Nathan: (stammers) Oh, no, she, uh... We, uh... This is Anastasia. Uh, she is a very famous model, uh, and we are on a date. Togeth... Together. Two. For two.
Anastasia: Hello. (to Jade) You have very cute head.
Jade: Thank you. I got it from my father.
Derek: Oh, Nathan Jelly! The wonder kid! (laughing) Yeah. Touch it. (pushes his fist toward Nathan) Uh-huh. And, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slap me round the face. Am I dreaming? The one and only Anastasia in my restaurant. (chuckles) I'm a huge fan of your face and body.
Ted: Any news?
Coach Beard: Nobody knows where he is.
Roy: That f?cking prick's not answering his phone.
Coach Beard: Neither is his agent, his manager, his publicist, his trainer, his acupuncturist, his acupressurist, his fecalist, his avocado whisperer, not even his barber.
Ted: Hmm. Maybe he's dead.
Roy: F?cking better be.
Anastasia: (takes a picture of the hummus) I cannot post this. The little dips look like piles of vomit. I cannot post vomit. People will see this, and they will want to vomit.
Anastasia: Can we please leave? I mean, the food is yummy, but it's just so dumpy and sad.
Nathan: Okay, look, I know it might not exactly be cool, but this place is important to me. This is where my family celebrated our birthdays, anniversaries. It's where we came after I got promoted as assistant coach at Richmond. (inhales deeply) Every important event in our lives has been spent here. And, to me, that makes this place even better than cool. (chuckles) Hmm. Oh, what am I thinking? We should get the saganaki!
Anastasia: Oh, I'm going to make a call. My friend has the flu. And I have to check on her.
Nathan: No, that's... No, that's very nice. That's kind. (Anastasia begins to gather her belongings) Do you need all that stuff to go make a call?
Keeley: What? You actually dated a birthday clown?
Jack: For three wacky weeks.
Keeley: Did you ever have s?x with the clown? Like, with the nose and everything?
Jack: Of course I did. (laughs) It was in his car, actually. All crammed in there with, like, 30 of his clown friends.
Keeley: We spent all evening picking up, like, 50 kilos of lamb ka-poops. It's the most fun I've had in months.
Jade: (mocking Nathan) After all, our baklava is divine.
Nathan: Yeah, I don't... Um... For some reason, whenever I'm trying to impress someone, I end up sounding like my gran.
Coach Beard: The only modicum of comfort is knowing that in all the innumerable parallel universes, there is not one where we win that game.
Ted: Well, you know, a hip-hop song's a great way to get across a message. You know? Just look at the hip-hop song "The Message."
Zava: I have to share something with you, my friends. You are not my followers. You are my believers. (inhales deeply) And so it... I have to tell you. Zava has played his last match. I will now dedicate all of my time and all of my energy to my family and my avocado farm. If you put your energy into the things you truly love, the universe puts its thing back into you. You're welcome.
Sam: Hey, hey. Hey, Coach. What about Zava? ... He quit the team.
Ted: I mean, technically he retired from the whole sport, which makes it feel a little less personal, yeah? You know, like if, uh, your girlfriend runs off with some dude and it turns out they were soul mates.
Coach Beard: (whispers) Oh. Yeah. Gina f?ck?ng Gershon.
Ted: Uh, but look, look, look, look. I hear you, okay? Zava is gone. And you know what? I think it's a good thing. (players murmuring) I do. Okay, look. Do I wanna win? Heck yeah. But I also wanna do it with folks that wanna be here. (players grumbling) It's not like we could handcuff him to his locker and make him love us.
Dani: We could have tried. (players chuckle)
Ted: Hey, guys. Guys, look. We got a good thing going here. All right? Mm-hmm. We didn't need Zava. Yeah. All we need to win are the fellas in this room right now. And all you fellas need to do is believe it. (the 'Believe" sign splits in half )
Moe: Whoa! It's a sign.
Colin: That's it. We're doomed.
All: We're done. We're done. We're finished. We're finished.
Ted: Now... Now, hold on. Hey, knock it off, okay? We're not doomed. No one is doomed. But, Bumbercatch, yes, you're right. It is a sign. I agree. Yeah. In fact this, it's just a sign. (Ted takes down the sign and rips it up. The players gasp.) All right, guys, listen to me. Belief doesn't just happen 'cause you hang something up on a wall. All right? It comes from in here. You know? And up here. Down here. Only problem is, we all got so much junk floating through us, a lot of time we end up getting in our own way. You know, crap like envy or fear, shame. I don't wanna mess around with that sh?t anymore. You know what I mean? Do you?
Players: No. No, Coach.
Ted: No. No. Do you?
Players: No.
Ted: No, me neither. Hell no. Well, you know what I wanna mess around with? The belief that I matter, you know? Regardless of what I do or don't achieve. Or the belief that we all deserve to be loved, whether we've been hurt or maybe we've hurt somebody else. Or what about the belief of hope? Yeah? That's what I wanna mess with. Believing that things can get better. That I can get better. That we will get better. Oh, man. To believe in yourself. To believe in one another. Man, that's... That's fundamental to being alive. And look. Yo, hey. If you can do that, if each of you can truly do that... can't nobody rip that apart.
Jamie: Tomorrow at 4:00 a.m.?
Roy: Damn f?cking right.
Roy: Now get dressed. Or I start flicking your balls.
Jamie: This is perverse.
Sassy: You know, you snored all night.
Ted: Hmm. I'm sorry about that.
Sassy: That's all right. It's actually very soothing. Sounded like the sea.
Ted: Well, I'm glad you didn't hear any boat horns, given all the fried yams I ate last night.
Ted: Hey, I was thinking. We have a good time together, yeah?
Sassy: They're called simultaneous orgasms, Ted, yes.
Sassy: Ted, on the day my ex got remarried, I drank a bottle of red wine through a straw and told my Uber driver I was in love with him. Then, when he dropped me home, I puked so much, my mouth was like an elevator from the g*dd*mn Shining.
Coach Beard: So, the one thing we cannot do against West Ham is the False Nine.
Roy: 'Cause that's Nate's shit.
Coach Beard: Exactly. So, we decided to go with our classic 4-4-2.
Roy: Which is exactly what that prick expects us to do.
Coach Beard: So, we do the opposite. Five up front. Full-on attack. But Nate knows we're gonna do that, because Nate knows that we're trying to outthink him by thinking like him.
Roy: Well, f*ck Nate, f*ck thinking and f*ck f*cking Socrates.
Coach Beard: So, we gotta stop thinking like Nate and start thinking like Nate would think we would think if Nate were thinking like us, and then do the last thing that Nate thinking like us thinking like Nate thinking like us would ever expect us to do... Have Zava drop back and play Nate's False Nine.
Roy: Voi-f*cking-la.
Higgins: Brilliant.
Ted: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Y'all pointin' more fingers than Ganesha givin' directions.
Higgins: Sounds like a case for the Diamond Dogs!
Coach Beard: Release the hounds. (HOWLING)
Ted: Yeah, here we go! Let's do it.
(HOWLING, BARKING)
Roy: F*ck sakes.
Coach Beard: Pain is like carbon monoxide. Expressing it to the person who hurt you is like opening a vent, but holding it in will poison you.
Zava: We must ignore these talking faces. Even when they are in our favor. Thank you, "Zorro."
Zoreau: Oh, exactly, but it's, uh... It's actually pronounced, uh, "Zoreaux."
Zava: Why?
Zoreau: I don't know. Because that's how my parents say it, I guess?
Zava: My friend, you can be whoever you want to be. I let all of my children name themselves once they reach the age of seven. That is why my eldest is called "Smingus Dingus."
Manager: Look who's here. No f*cking way! Do you know who this is?
Hostess: Mmm. Jason Jelly.
Manager: That's right.
Nathan: No, "Nathan Shelley."
Manager: This man's money is no good here. Never charge. Except for booze. Gotta charge for booze.
Nathan: I didn't order any booze.
Shandy: Look into the camera and pretend you're talking to an old friend.
Dani: My oldest friend is Javiar.
Shandy: Great. How long have you known Javiar?
Dani: Only a couple of months, but he turns 108 years old next week.
Coach Beard: Coach, you're gonna wanna watch this.
Ted: Ooh, is it one of them videos of a military parent coming home after a long tour? 'Cause if so, I'm gonna be eating tears and snot for dinner.
Ted: Thank you for your help, Trent. May a young Robert Redford portray you in a film someday.
Trent Crimm: Probably Dustin Hoffman.
Coach Beard: I was thinking about your Sassy situation.
Ted: Oh, yeah.
Coach Beard: Jane's sister is in town.
Ted: No, thank you, Coach.
Coach Beard: That's the right answer.
Rebecca: So, how's the little one?
Rupert: Oh, yeah, Diane. She's already walking. Can you believe that? Yeah. Drooling and pooing around the house.
Bex: Takes after her father.
Higgins: Oh, it's like that old riddle.
Rebecca: What riddle?
Higgins: You know, always a tricky one, this one. A father and son are in a car wreck. Dad dies instantly, the son is rushed to an emergency room. A surgeon walks in and says, "I can't operate on this boy. He's my son." How is it possible?
Keeley: Because she's a woman.
Rebecca: She's gay.
Barbara: Sperm donor.
Shandy: He lives in a simulation?
Higgins: Right. Yeah, I guess that's a bit dated now.
Arlo: It's a full house for today's battle between West Ham United and Zava's AFC Richmond. A win would take either team to the top spot in the table, knocking mighty Manchester City off number one. Should be a tight match, Chris. Any predictions?
Chris: I stopped making predictions, Arlo. Because I was never wrong. Got to the point I was worried I was the one making things happen.
Jeremey: We're playing like Italians.
Baz: I know. It's awesome.
Arlo: It's getting a touch spicy out there.
Chris: Spicy, Arlo? This is vintage vindaloo.
Arlo: It went from evenly matched to unevenly matched to light a match on fire and put it into a can of petrol.
Chris: That second half should've come with a trigger warning.
Arlo: One extraordinary goal by Zava did not make it any less tough to watch. Richmond showed a side of themselves we've never seen before. They played angry, dirty and ugly.
Chris: Which are also the names of Zava's three youngest kids.
Zava: Sending off Van Damme was a mistake. He played with passion. "Passion" is a word we use when we talk about love. It is also a word we use to describe a crime. Sometimes it is also a fruit.
Gary: That was hard to watch. Thierry, West Ham's domination today saw Ted Lasso being totally exposed by his former assistant Nate Shelley.
Thierry: Gary, I love this quote from a Chinese philosopher, Laozi, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready, the teacher will disappear."
Ted: Jamie's a lot like my mom's Precious Moments figurines collection.
Ted Crimm: I have no idea what that means.
Roy: He's a fragile little bitch.
Ted: My tummy's got more knots in it than Wayne's World 1 and 2 smooshed together.
Ted: Don't sell yourself short. If anything, sell yourself tall and get it altered later.
Ted: Coaching a superstar can't be all, "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" Although, if you ask me, the n*zis were the real problem in that story. Am I right, Coach?
Coach Beard: Yeah. Come on, Mother Superior, let's have a little perspective.
Roy: I used to fancy Julie Andrews. Well, I still do, to be fair. The voice, the eyes, the way you know she'd tell you off if you'd been bad.
Dany: When I was a boy, I played in Zava boots, I slept in Zava boots, I made love for the first time to Zava boots.
Zoreaux: Think you mean "in Zava boots."
Dany: No.
Sam: Some men have a charisma that transcends orientation. Uh, Paul Newman, Idris Elba, Norm Macdonald.
Rebecca: Leslie! We do have a signed contract, don't we?
Higgins: Of course. We have an e-signature. That's legally binding... I think... I'll make a call.
Higgins: So, I just talked to legal about Zava's contract. Uh, an e-signature is legally binding. Tiny wrinkle, instead of signing his name, he signed "You're welcome."
Ted: I waited over three hours for Public Enemy to take the stage of this joint called The Cubby Bear. When a man with a giant clock around his neck is that late, it ain't about time.
Keeley: (About Daniel Day-Lewis) Did you know, that when he made Lincoln he actually texted Sally Field as Abraham Lincoln?
Rebecca: Well, that's ridiculous. Abraham Lincoln couldn't text.
Ted: Exactly. Every time he looked down at his phone, his hat would fall off.
Zava: Oh, time is a construct, like gender and many of the alphabets.
Zava: (to Ted) My leader, I am an empty vessel filled with gold. I am your rock. Mold me.
Ted: (whistles) Well, hey, if you score goals like you talk, we gonna be just fine, buddy.
Rebecca: Do you even know where you're going?
Zava: I do not!
Tish: Water? Tea? Or cocktail, perhaps?
Rebecca: Sure, I'll have a White Russian, thanks.
Tish: Oh. Yeah, I'm afraid I'm fresh out of Kahlua...
Rebecca: Ah.
Tish: ...after hosting a Big Lebowski themed birthday party for a colleague.
Tish: Shite in nin... Sh... Oh... yeah, shite in nining armor.
Rebecca: A shite in nining armor"
Trish: Does that mean something to you?
Rebecca: Yes, it does mean something to me. It means you're even more batshit crazy than I...
Arlo: Good afternoon. There is an electricity today at Nelson Road, and the cause of all this excitement goes by one name, Zava.
Chris: Like Pele, if every letter was different.
Higgins: There are more VIPs here than London Fashion Week. I assume. I don't know.
Ted: Pop quiz, hotshots. What do you get when you combine one of Hugh Jackman's finest film roles with a fancy-pants New York City getaway?
Sam: Jean Valjean Catskills?
Ted: Ooh. No. That's a great answer, Sam. How do you know about the Catskills?
Sam: Uh, Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
Ted: Today's opponents, Wolverhampton. Full name, Wolverhampton Wanderers. Also known as the Wanderers.
Roy: No.
Coach Beard: Also known as Wolves.
Ted: Okay. So, our opponents today are the Wolverhampton Wandering Wolves.
Roy: No.
Coach Beard: Just Wolverhampton or Wolves.
Ted: Got it. So when the team known as Wolverhampton, or Wolves, is wandering around the pitch today trying to score some soccer goals, here's the game plan.
Coach Beard: All free kicks will be taken by...
Roy: Zava.
Coach Beard: All penalties...
Roy: Zava.
Coach Beard: All corners...
Roy: Anyone to Zava.
Ted: I can't find my phone. I know where it is. I left it sitting on my bathroom sink. Dang it.
Coach Beard: That's what you get for playing Tetris on the toilet.
Ted: Yeah, that and numb legs.
Rebecca: It's not for me. If I wanted to be scammed out of all my money, I'd go the old-fashioned route and become obsessively religious.
Jane: Weinstein's c0ck! Are you cheating on me?
Coach Beard: Yeah, I am... with you.
(They begin kissing madly)
Ted: Man, y'all's baggage just matches right up, don't it?
Roy: I mean, you still could be if you weren't such a pre-Madonna.
Jamie: Did you just call me a pre-Madonna?
Roy: Yeah.
Jamie: It's prima donna. Who the f*ck says "pre-Madonna"? What the f*ck does that even mean?
Roy: It means before Madonna, female vocalists didn't have to work that hard.
Jamie: Are you mad? You never heard of Tina Turner? F*cking Stevie Nicks?
Shandy: I'm Shandy. I do PR for the club. It's so great you've come down here, but don't be a dick. Show some love on your socials, yeah?
Zava: I like your confident energy. It's off-putting.
Sam: Thank you so much for coming. Honestly, it means so much to me.
Zava: Sam, tell me, where does your restaurant source its avocados from?
Sam: Ah, uh, West African cuisine doesn't typically feature a lot of avocados.
Zava: Hmm. Not yet.
Keeley: Maybe we could all have a picnic together in the conference room?
Barbara: Um, I can't make it.
Keeley: I didn't tell you when it was.
Barbara: I know.
Ted: Whoa! Trent Crimm. Are you kidding me? Hey, nice to see you, man. You know, they got a big old Ziploc bag full of your hair ties down at the lost and found.
Ted: No time like the present. W... Except 11:11. That's my wishing time. Or 23:11, if, uh, I'm at a military base or Euro Disney.
Higgins: Zava is leaving Juventus.
Ted: What about their kids? I'm sorry. I didn't know what any of those things meant. I thought it was like Greek mythology or something.
Higgins: He wants to play in the Premier League because his wife binged The Office and she wants to live in England.
Ted: Ooh, I think you mean Scranton, Pennsylvania, buddy.
Rebecca: No, the British Office, Ted.
Ted: Oh, that's right. Y'all did a premake over here.
Keeley: He goes through teams like you go through manicurists.
Rebecca: The fumes make me dizzy, and I overshare.
Rebecca: I mean, maybe he's a handful, but who doesn't love a handful?
Ted: I mean, if you're talking salted peanuts, yes, please. If you're talking Skittles though, no, thank you. You know, the dye melts, and it gets all over your fingers, makes 'em all sticky.
Ted: (To Keeley) Come on. Talk to me. What's it like being the boss of your own Keeley Street Band, huh?
Keeley: Maybe I could hire a shaman and we could do a bunch of ayahuasca under a blood moon.
Ted: I was thinking something like an escape room, but, hey, Clamato Clamato, right?
Roy: What the f?ck you doing?
Jamie: I was gonna hug you.
Roy: Well, you came at me too fast.
Jamie: Jesus, sorry. I forget how skittish elderly people could be 'cause of the war.
Will: (To Roy and Jamie)(nervously) Maybe we should all go out sometime. Us three. You know, get a couple drinks, couple pints, couple shots. Fishbowls. Single guys club.
Ted: What would you think if we sign Zava?
Coach Beard: (shrieks)
Ted: Ooh. That's good, right?
Coach Beard: Zava? Yeah. Okay.
Ted: Second question. Who is Zava?
Ted: Beg to differ, Claudia Schiffer.
Ted: Ooh, 11:11. Make a wish. (To Coach Beard) What'd you wish for?
Coach Beard: Oh, come on, Coach. I can't tell you that.
Ted: I just don't want our wishes to cancel each other out.
Coach Beard: That's not how it works.
Ted: Is this about us getting Zava?
Moe: Huh? What? We're getting Zava?
Dany: I just wished for that 30 seconds ago.
Ted: I need you to run to my apartment, go into my desk, and grab my CD called "Ted's breakup mix." Okay?
Will: Got it. What's a CD?
Keeley: Okay. Now the lamb chugs a Cafka mini and poof, turns into a smoking hot lion.
Barbara: Great, b-but we can't actually make the lamb drink the Cafka mini, right?
Keely: No, of course not.
Jimmy: Okay, good.
Barbara: We were told by the people in the lab, the lamb cannot drink it.
Jimmy: Yeah, no, it will die instantly. Something about enzymes.
Higgins: I have an update on the meeting with Zava.
Rebecca: Oh, great.
Higgins: Zava doesn't want to meet with us.
Rebecca: What? Why not?
Higgins: Uh, his people said, "It would be a waste of time for us and an embarrassment for him."
Higgins: A friend of my wife knows an agent whose masseuse moonlights as an airline steward on private jets. Now... she wasn't working today, but her coworker who can read lips, he saw Zava mouth the word "Chelsea" a lot.
Keeley: God, I wish I could read lips.
Rebecca: Years ago, when I was bartending in that private club, Rupert and his then wife came into the bar. (sighs) He was the life and soul of the party. Buying rounds of drinks for everyone, telling stories. Just charm personified. And he left me a massive tip. And then about a week later, he came back without his wife and asked me out. I, of course, said no. Then he left.
Keeley: What a dick.
Rebecca: But then he came back the next night and the next night and the next. And he would just sit at the bar with a drink and chatted to me until close. And he just said, "It doesn't matter if you ever go out with me. It's just worth it being here to get to know you."
Keeley: It's a fine line between stalking and romance.
Rebecca: And after about six weeks of that, he asked me out again. And I said yes without any hesitation. Because by that point... (inhales sharply) I just felt so lucky because he wanted me. He made me feel special. Chosen.
Ted: We get one goal, we're right back in this thing, yeah? But right now, we are being so unoffensive, we might as well be a Hallmark Christmas movie, you know what I'm saying?
Ted: Hallmark Christmas movies are films that feature women from the big city falling in love with their childhood crushes. It's usually some fella that owns a Christmas tree farm. Sometimes he's also Santa Claus or a prince. They suck, but they're great. But they also mostly suck. But they're also kinda great. They're good with the sound off.
Rebecca: (to Zava who is at a urinal) You are such a f?cking chickenshit. I mean, if you were great, truly great, you could play anywhere. But instead you choose a club like West Ham, because it's big and shiny, and you know that they'll win whether you're there or not. And you'll never have to wonder if you're still as good as you tell everyone you are. But you and I know that you're not. You're overrated. You're overpaid. (sniffs) And you eat too much f?cking asparagus.
Arlo: Chris, have you ever scored with your face?
Chris: I've scored with every part of my body, Arlo. That's a ridiculous question.
Dany: Do you think Zava saw?
Jamie: Don't be a dick, man.
Zava: I have changed my mind. Zava will not play for Chelsea.
Rebecca: Oh, God. I'm sorry. I can't watch this.
Zava: Zava will play for Richmond. May I keep the pen?
Moe: We've got Zava!
Coach Beard: (shrieks)
Coach Beard: Jane and I are gonna go see her friend's immersive theater show about the menstrual cycle.
Ted: Oh. All right, well, I hope you're not late.
Ted: Please tell Jane I said hello.
Coach Beard: I would, but, uh, she still finds our relationship threatening.
Ted: Sorry about that. We got distracted. Little guy was trying to unlock Princess Peach on Super Smash Bros.
Airport Attendant: Totally understand. I once held an entire flight to Sydney hostage until I finished the final level of Breath of the Wild.
Ted: Hmm. Feels like a potentially troublesome sentence to say in this setting, but, hey, I appreciate you.
Ted: I remember being left at school when I was Henry's age. I ended up helping our custodian, Mr. Maher, clean half the school until my dad remembered to come pick me up. He gave Mr. Maher cash for babysitting me. I showed up to school the next day and Mr. Maher gave me the money as payment for the work I'd done. So then I used that money to buy him a thank-you gift, but never got the chance to give it to him, 'cause, well, he ended up getting hit by a train.
Sharon: Oh, wow. I didn't see that coming.
Ted: Yeah, well, neither did Mr. Maher.
Ted: (to baby in the park) Hey! Holy smokes, I love that hat. I recognize you from that show Leaky Diapers, don't I?
Boyfriend in bed: You finally got off.
Dr. Sharon: Not yet, I didn't.
Rebecca: Oh. No rhyming salutation. Something wrong?
Ted: Way to notice, Amos Otis.
Ted: Dropped him off at the airport a little bit ago. Now he's up in a plane, 10,000 feet in the sky.
Rebecca: I think they fly higher than that.
Ted: I predict all their predictions ain't gonna come true. So, it looks like we got ourselves a prediction Mexican standoff. Or as they call them in Mexico, a prediction standoff.
Rebecca: That is the Ted Lasso I want coaching my team this season. The one who's willing to fight. Understood?
Ted: Yes, ma'am. You watch, from now on, I'll be floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee. Except I won't die immediately after using my stinger. I plan to float and sting for the entirety of the whole season.
Colin: I had a woman accost me on the street, telling me I should fake an injury this season so I wouldn't have to deal with the misery.
Thierry: Did you tell her to piss off?
Colin: No, she was a nun. They must get Sky Sports in the monasteries.
Roy: So I finally watched it. I liked it. Gene Hackman was good. The drunk geezer. Stuff with the team. I did have one question.
Coach Beard: Yeah, what's that?
Roy: Why the f?ck is it called Hoosiers?
Roy: These little pricks have played 4-4-2 ever since they were kids, which means they'll always know what they're supposed to do, and more importantly, where they're supposed to be at every f?cking minute of every f?cking game against every f?cking opponent.
Ted: Yeesh. Who invented this thing, the Russians?
Roy and Coach Beard: (both) Yeah.
Co-worker: There he is. The Wonder Kid himself.
Nathan: Get out.
Co-worker: (leaves)
Sam: You know who else picked us to finish last?
Colin: Please don't say Adele.
Sam: Paddington Bear. It was on his Twitter account.
Jamie: Yeah, I saw that. On a scale of one marmalade sandwich to five marmalade sandwiches, we've got no marmalade sandwiches.
Dani: Even that sweet little bear does not believe in us.
Roy:F?ck pundits.
Coach Beard: You were a pundit.
Roy: Yeah. And all we did was talk shit and eat f?cking meringues.
Ted: Hey, is Kenneth around today?
Will: Uh, yeah, no. Kenneth lives here.
Ted: Yeah. No, he does work a lot, don't he?
Will: No, no, no. As in, he... He literally lives here at the facility.
Ted: He does? Since when?
Will: Yeah. Uh, ever since his cult got shut down.
Ted: Oh. Kenneth was in a cult?
Will: Mmm. No, no, no, no, no. He... He was the leader of one.
Rebecca: She seems fun.
Keeley: She's my CFO. The company that financed me placed her here. But she's my CFO, yet sometimes my CFO...
Rebecca: Chief Financial Officer.
Keeley: Oh, my. I did not know that. I've been saying "corporate flying object"
Nathan: You. Come over here. Come over here. Come and stand on this line for me. This... This, over here. Yeah. This is a very important line. Everyone, this is the dumb-dumb line. This is where dumb-dumbs go. Stay. You, go in for the dumb-dumb. Try not to join him on the line. Go.
Rupert: What's lovely are these delightful preseason prognostications. Yeah. Aren't they delish? Especially poor, old Richmond. Can you believe they're picked to finish 20th?
Nathan: Well, yeah, because there's no 21st.
Ted: Hey, Ken, thanks again for helping us out at the last second.
Ken: Oh, no worries. You got lucky, really. Ted, it's a good rule of thumb never to ask a hippie to come in on his day off.
Ted: Okay, message received.
Ken:Ah, all right. Well, I'll go and smoke some toad venom while I'm waiting. Then the whole day's not a waste. Cheers.
Ted: (To Coach Beard) Okay. Yeah. He gonna be okay to drive us back? After the toad venom?
Coach Beard: Yeah. He's usually fine in 20 minutes. He'll be forever changed...
Construction Worker: Roy Kent, is that you?
Roy: Get f?ck?d.
Construction Worker: Yeah, definitely him.
Ivor: Back in 1859, an engineer called Joseph Bazalgette and his team built more than 1,200 miles of interconnected tunnels and sewers. And its creation helped cure a massive cholera outbreak after untreated human waste found its way into the River Thames. Anyone know what that epidemic was called?
Coach Beard: Great Stink of 1858.
Ivor: That's correct.
Reporter: How are you and the lads getting on?
Nathan: Yeah, really great. Um... Getting to know them. Getting to know all about them. Getting to like them... Getting to hope... Excuse me a second.
Reporter: Coach Shelley, you are now the manager of a contending Premier League team, but just two years ago, you were a mere kit man, washing another team's underwear. I mean, it must all feel a bit overwhelming for you, yes?
Nathan: Not for me, no. Because I earned this job. What's overwhelming is the confusion I feel when someone so intelligent-looking asks such a stupid question.
Coach Beard: I really like that Kenneth guy. He seems really plugged in, yeah?
Ted: Oh, yeah. No, I agree.
Roy: That nutter told me to ask the f?ck?ng Earth to help me carry some of my burden.
Ted: He ain't wrong.
Ted: I mean, he came and got us, didn't he? No doubt about that. Hey, but that's Nate the Great for you, you know? He's the same way on the pitch. He'll find the tiniest little weakness in a team and just want to attack that, you know? I mean, uh, he's a junkyard dog, man. And smart. They're real lucky to have him over there at West Ham. I wish him the best of luck. I guess I am a little surprised that's all he could come up with. Especially against me. You know, not one joke about me being a dumb American? Come on, man. It's sitting there.
Ted: I mean, I'm so dumb...
Lloyd: How dumb are you?
Ted: I'm so dumb that the first time I heard y'all talking about Yorkshire pudding, I thought it was a fancy word y'all had for dog poop.
Ted: Well, whenever I text someone over here about money, I still spell "pounds" L-B-S.
Ted: Look, man, I'm not a great coach. Probably ain't. I've been doing this sport now for three years, and I still get a chuckle every time someone talks about a handball violation.
Ted: And not one crack about my appearance? About this mustache? I... I... I look like Ned Flanders is doing cosplay as Ned Flanders.
Ted: When I talk, it sounds like Dr. Phil hasn't gone through puberty yet.
Ted: I'm more corny than Kevin Costner's outfield. Ooh, I lost you on that one.
George: Would Bill Shankly have a panic attack, eh? Would Brian Clough? Would Alex Ferguson have a panic attack? Be fair. No, of course he wouldn't. Look, if your ship's being attacked, right? And you run to the bridge, you want to find a captain whose brain works, not some big girl's blouse.
Jeff: I miss Roy.
Mr. Mann: Hey, wanker. If my father had a panic attack at Normandy, we'd all be speaking German.
Ted: Yes, sir.
Mr. Mann: Just do the work, pal. You'll be all right.
Higgins: Whenever I see him in a hallway, I just give him a cool nod. You know, like this.
Keeley: Oh, sh1t. That was cool.
Higgins: I know, right? I saw it in a Denzel Washington movie, and I thought, "I'm taking that."
Ted: Hey. What's the story, Paul Shorey?
Keeley: So sorry about the article, Ted.
Ted: Oh, that's okay, Keeley. You know what they say. No such thing as bad publicity, right? Although, I think they might've been wrong about that one, which is a bummer 'cause they were spot on with the beer before liquor thing.
Ted: Fact is, everything they said was true. And unlike Lieutenant Kaffee, I actually can handle the truth.
Ted: Hey, don't you worry, Hig Newton. I'm on it like a bonnet.
Rebecca: (eating a biscuit) Oh, God. These taste like sh1t.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Well, it was a rough night, and I am now absolutely positive that I switched the salt and sugar. I'm sorry about that.
Rebecca: No, no, no. (continues to taste the biscuit) No, it's interesting. She's a sneaky, salty bitch.
Ted: Like Heather Locklear on Melrose Place, right?
Higgins: Oh, yeah.
Keeley: That's exactly how you'd describe her.
Rebecca: (savouring the biscuit) Oh, Heather.
Jamie: All right? Is Roy here?
Coach Beard: I don't hear any grunting.
Jamie: Can I just say something first?
Roy: Yeah, okay. That's a good idea 'cause when I'm done, you won't have any teeth left, and you'll need them for the talking bit.
Jamie: Right. Yeah, okay. So, at Rebecca's dad's funeral, I told Keeley that I still loved her. It was wrong, and I shouldn't have done it, but I ain't used to being around dead people. It just... It did something to me, emotionally, you know? But I still... I shouldn't have done it, and it was wrong, but I just need you to know that I respect you, and I respect Keeley, and I respect your relationship, and I will never ever do anything like that ever again.
Roy: F*ck!
Keeley: (on the phone) It definitely sounds both helpful and compassionate. But I don't think that you moderating a session between Coach Lasso and a celebrity psychiatrist is the best move right now. All his attention is on Brentford. Thank you very much. (Hangs up the phone) F*ck you, Piers Morgan.
Ted: Hey, fellas. Before we get started here, I wanted to talk to y'all about the article you saw in the paper this morning. Actually, y'all probably saw it on your phones. I still get the paper, 'cause, well, you can't cut cartoons out of a phone, right?
Zoreaux: Yeah, but you can screenshot them and text them.
Isaac: That's copyright infringement, bruv.
Ted: I hear you, Zoreaux, but you can't hang a screenshot on a fridge either.
Dani: My refrigerator has a television.
Sam: I think I have the same one.
Ted: (to the team) Y'all found out about something from somewhere, when you should've found out about it from me first. But I chose not to tell y'all, and that was dumb. You know, fellas, we make a lot of choices in our lives every single day, ranging from, "Am I really about to eat something called Greek yogurt?" To, "Should I leave my family and take a job halfway around the world?" Me choosing not to be forthright with y'all, that was a bad choice. But I can't be wasting time wishing for a do-over on all that. 'Cause that ain't how choices work. No, sir. No. That choice, and my Chicago Bulls Starter jacket that I let Janelle Rhodes borrow my sophomore year 'cause she spilled ketchup all over herself, and it looked like she'd been shot, those are two things I ain't getting back. 'Cause every choice is a chance, fellas. And I didn't give myself the chance to build further trust with y'all. To quote the great UCLA college basketball coach, John Obi-Wan Gandalf, "It is our choices, gentlemen, what show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Now, I hope y'all can forgive me for what I've done. 'Cause I sure as heck wouldn't want any of y'all to hold anything back with me.
Isaac: Nah, we got you, Coach.
Colin: No problem, gaffer. And when we sniff out the rat, permission to take socks full of soap to their stomach and chest?
Isaac: We're gonna find 'em and f*ck 'em up!
Ted: No, fellas, look. I'm gonna nip that talk in the butt right now.
Coach Beard: It's "bud" not "butt," Coach.
Ted: It is? 'Cause of flowers, right?
Coach Beard: Horticulture, baby!
Higgins: (holding two small dogs) This is Mascot Idol: Semifinals. One of these two contestants will be our new mascot. Will it be Macy Greyhound or Tina Feyhound?
Higgins: A good mentor hopes you will move on. A great mentor knows you will.
Keeley: I like that.
Higgins: Yeah? Just made it up.
Coach Beard: Just need a second. It's Jane.
Ted: How's all that going?
Coach Beard: We broke up. (Checks his phone) We're back on.
Roy: We're opening the champagne.
Keeley: What? No, I thought we were saving that for something really, really special.
Roy: Well, we didn't open it when your mum moved back up north. We didn't open it when England got zero points in the Eurovision. And we didn't open it when the neighbor ran over their own snake.
Keeley: That was nasty.
Roy: So we are drinking it tonight. Duck. (pops the cork)
Roy: They better not have used any pictures of me smiling.
Keeley: Like that exists...
(Keeley opens the article on her iPad)
Roy: Wow.
Keeley: Oh, no. They didn't use any of the pictures with you in them. I'm so sorry, Roy. That is not cool. I'm gonna reach out and change that.
Roy: Don't you dare. Don't you change a f*cking thing. You look powerful. You're f*cking gorgeous. You look like a BILF.
Keeley: Oh, yeah? Go on, show me, then.
Coach Beard: So... Are you gonna say anything?
Ted: Well, I mean, eventually, yeah. You may have noticed through the years I can be quite loquacious.
Coach Beard: You keep trying to hold all this in, I'm afraid your mustache is gonna pop off.
Ted: Then I'll look like that fella from The Hangover.
Coach Beard: Bradley Cooper?
Ted: You're too good to me.
Keeley: You helped this panda become a lion.
Rebecca: (sobbing) I'm so proud of you.
Ted: Did you get kicked out of your office again?
Higgins: No, no. Temporary relocation while they change the carpet in there. It was absolutely covered in dog sh1t.
Ted: Oh, yeah. No, been there, done that.
Ted: Roy, are you saying you wanna become a Diamond Dog?
Roy: F*ck no. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind being in the room whilst it f*cking happens.
Ted: Yeah. Okay. Well, how about a one-time visitor's pass for our junkyard dog here, yeah?
(all bark together)
Ted: Diamond Dogs, mount up!
Higgins: In year five, I was not allowed in the class photo because I developed a rare smile allergy. (looks awkward)
Roy: (about Keeley) The thing is... she looked so f*cking great. On her own. Without me. So natural. I... It would've actually been f*cking weird if I was in the pictures. And then at Rebecca's dad's funeral, Jamie f*cking Tartt tells her he's f*cking in love with her.
Coach Beard: And he's still alive?
Roy: Yeah. Instead of beating him to death, I f*cking forgave him. I'm still f*cking furious about it.
Nathan: Roy, when Keeley and I went shopping the other day, I kissed her.
Roy: Yeah. She told me about it. It's okay.
Nathan: I kissed her. I kissed your girlfriend.
Roy: We're good.
Nathan: All Jamie did was talk to her, and you wanted to kill him. Don't you at least wanna headbutt me or something?
Roy: You made a mistake, Nate. Don't worry about it.
Nathan: No, no, I deserve to be headbutted.
Coach Beard: I'd be happy to headbutt you, Nate.
Roy: Wait. So sometimes the f*cking Diamond Dogs is just chatting about sh1t, and no one has to f*cking solve anything and nothing f*cking changes?
Ted: Sometimes. Yeah.
Roy: That's cool.
Ted: Hey, Nate. Hey. Everything okay?
Nathan: Yes, Ted. Everything is okay.
Ted: What is it? What'd I do?
Nathan: What are you talking about?
Ted: Oh, come on, man. You're mad as hell at me. I just wanna know why. Huh? What have I got to learn here?
Nathan: You wanna know what you did?
Ted: Yeah, please.
Nathan: Okay. I'll tell you what you did. You made me feel like I was the most important person in the whole world. And then, you abandoned me. Like you switched out a light, just like that. And I worked my ass off, trying to get your attention back. To prove myself to you. To make you like me again. But the more I did, the less you cared. It was like I was f*cking invisible. You haven't even got the photo I gave you for Christmas up in your office. Just a picture of dumb Americans. Now you're gonna play Nate's false nine, so when the team f*ck up, which they will, hey, you can blame it on me. Well, no. f*ck that. (wiping his eyes) Everybody loves you. The Great Ted Lasso. Well, I think you're a f*cking joke. Without me, you wouldn't have won a single match. They would've shipped your ass back to Kansas, where you belong. With your son. 'Cause you sure as hell don't belong here... But I do. I belong here. This didn't just fall into my lap, all right? I earned this.
Ted: I know you did, Nate. And if I didn't tell you how important you were to me enough, I'm sorry about that.
Nathan: No, no. You know what? You're full of sh1t. Just f*ck you, Ted.
Arlo: Chris, is time running out on Richmond's chances to control their future?
Chris: Only if you think of time as linear, Arlo.
Arlo: Yes, Chris. I do.
Jamie: (gives the ball to Dani) Dani. You got this, muchacho. It'll be fun. Trust me.
Arlo: It looks like Tartt is giving the ball to Rojas, who hasn't kicked a penalty since, well...
Mae: Come on, Dani!
Ted: Let's go, Dani!
Coach Beard: Here we go, Dani!
Dani: Football is life... (kicks the goal)
Arlo: With that goal, they'll finish in second place and will return to the Premier League in their very first attempt.
Fans: (chanting) We are going up! We are going up! We are going up! Yeah, we are going up!
Players: (in locker room) We're Richmond till we die. We know we are, we're sure we are, we're Richmond till we die! We're Richmond till we die. We know we are, we're sure we are, we're Richmond till we die!
Sam: Mr. Akufo. I truly enjoyed meeting you, and I'm so flattered by your offer. I'm sorry, but my answer is, "No, thank you." And I don't believe my time here at Richmond is over. And for that reason, I have to stay. I hope you can understand.
Edwin Akufo: (yelling) You Nigerian m*therf*cker! You Yoruba trash. Who the f*ck do you think you are, wasting my time? You medium-talent piece of sh1t.
Sam: Medium-talent?
Edwin: I will dedicate my life to destroying you, you f*cking asshole! You will never play on the Nigerian national team. You understand me, pinky-dick? Never! I will buy your childhood home, and I will take a sh1t in every room. And then I will burn the place down. Yeah. Then, I will sit there, and I'll eat kenkey, and I'll poop on the f*cking ashes. I promise you this, hey.
Sam: Okay.
Ted: Before living here, I used to think still water was just folks saying it's still water, you know? Like, it was water, and it continues to remain to be water.
Rebecca: Well, there's no greater education than travel.
Trent Crimm: Coach Lasso!
Ted: Hey. There he is. I was worried about you. I thought you might've been in a bike accident.
Trent: Actually, I don't know how to ride a bicycle.
Ted: Really? That surprises me.
Trent: Why? 'Cause of the hair and the whole vibe?
Ted: Yeah, I guess so.
Ted: Well, as the man says, you gotta follow your bliss, right?
Ted: You know what this makes you now, though, right?
Trent: Trent Crimm. Independent.
Keeley: How did you get actual printed tickets?
Roy: From my travel agent, Kathy. She's old-school.
Keeley: Roy, are you sure they still take paper tickets at airports? Like, is the plane gonna have propellers? Oh, my God. Am I gonna be able to smoke on the flight?
Ted: (enters Rebeca's office) Bing-bong, you ding-dongs.
Rebecca: Guess who is going to be featured in Vanity Fair's business issue as a powerful woman on the rise.
Ted: (excited) I finally got it? This is incredible!
Rebecca: Ted!
Ted: Yeah?
Rebecca: Not you. Keeley.
Ted: Oh, that makes more sense. Hey, congrats, Keeley. That's gonna be a Vanity Fair to remember.
Ted: Dr. Sharon's last day is tomorrow, and we're all chipping in to get her something special.
Rebecca: What did you decide on?
Ted: An envelope of cash. You know, I figured she already has all our deep, dark secrets. Kinda tough to top that with a scarf and a candle, you know?
Rebecca: Who is Edwin Akufo?
Higgins: His father owns the largest tech firm in Ghana.
Ted: Wait a second. I thought I did.
Higgins: ...Until he died last month.
Ted: I apologize for my joke.
Will: Hi. Got the suit Ted bought you back from the dry cleaners.
Nathan: Oh, it's my suit! The second Ted gave it to me, ownership transferred, and it became my suit, Will.
Roy: Oi, are my eyebrows crazy? I've gotta do a photo shoot with Keeley tonight, and the photo shoot coordinator told me my eyebrows are crazy.
Nathan: Jesus, are my eyebrows crazy?
Roy: They wanna do a "at home with the footballer boyfriend" shot. Bet they won't even use it. She also told me I've gotta wear all black so that Keeley pops.
Nathan: You're always wearing black.
Roy: This isn't black. This is dark heather charcoal.
Nathan: When we play Brentford, we should play with a false nine.
Ted: Couldn't agree more. What is that?
Roy: Play without strikers.
Ted: Okay. Wait, so Jamie and Dani ain't gonna play?
Coach Beard: They do, but they play in midfield where no one expects them to be.
Ted: Yeah. I see. Okay, so we got both our aces tucked up our sleeves, huh? Love that.
Nathan: Here we go again. Give Ted yet another idea he'll take all the credit for.
Roy: That's the job, son.
Coach Beard: You know, we used to believe that trees competed with each other for light. Suzanne Simard's field work challenged that perception, and we now realize that the forest is a socialist community. Trees work in harmony to share the sunlight.
Nathan: Can't you just give me a straight answer for once?
Roy: I think he just did.
Coach Beard: Your eyebrows aren't crazy.
Roy: Thank you.
Coach Beard: They're psychotic.
Roy: I appreciate that.
Edwin Akufo: My most sincere apologies. I was told your training would be finished by now.
Ted: Oh, that's okay. Hakuna matata, right? (Laughs) Oh, I'm sorry. That was kind of racist, wasn't it?
Edwin Akufo: Oh, you know, Timon and Pumbaa are cartoons. So I'll let it slide.
Ted: Hey, I appreciate you. So, you must be Edwin Akufo, huh?
Edwin Akufo: Yeah, I am.
Ted: I'm Ted Lasso. (holds out his hand for a handshake)
Edwin Akufo: I don't shake hands. But I have someone who does. Francis.
(Francis steps forward and shakes Ted's hand)
Ted: That is one of the best handshakes I've ever hand shook right there. Firm yet comforting, you know, like a weighted blanket for my hand toes.
Edwin Akufo: Relegation destroys some teams, but it's only seemed to have made yours stronger.
Ted: That's all 'cause of the boss right here. (referring to Rebecca) Trickle-down economics may stink, but trickle-down support smells like pizza, roses and, I assume, Viola Davis.
Edwin Akufo: I'm interested in buying one of your players. Sam Obisanya.
Keeley: (surprised) But Rebecca loves Sam.
Ted: Yeah, we all love Sam.
Keeley: Exactly.
Higgins: Also, Sam is under contract with us for another three years.
Edwin Akufo: Yes, I understand. Therefore, I would offer you a generous transfer fee of so much money that people would think I'm crazy, and you've taken advantage of me, in a financial, non-sexual way, of course.
Higgins: I believe he's making you an offer you can't refuse.
Ted: Oh, Godfather, I see you.
Rebecca: Well, I'm refusing an offer he can't make.
Ted: Is that a quote from the third movie?
Ted: Well, gosh dang it. Now I wish we had two Sams, you know? One for y'all and one for us. Where are we at with cloning these days, by the way? Them Scottish folks have been mighty quiet on that front for a while, which means we gotta be close, right?
Edwin Akufo: Yeah, well, like my father used to say, a sad white man is still a white man.
Ted: Word.
Edwin Akufo: (to Sam) I figure we could maybe go to a museum, have something to eat.
Sam: Sure.
Edwin Akufo: Wonderful. After you.
Sam: Okay.
Edwin Akufo: It's lovely to meet you all. Bye.
(They leave)
Higgins: So strange. I once wrote a play about a billionaire who took a footballer to a museum and then dinner.
Rebecca: What happens in the play?
Higgins: Well, they get their meal for free because they found a little bit of glass in the pasta.
Nathan: I just wondered if you'd mind helping me pick out a fancy suit?
Keeley: Abso-fucking-lutely. Perfect timing, actually. I've gotta pick up some outfits for this photo shoot I'm doing. Come with.
Nathan: What, now?
Keeley: Now. Let's go kill two birds with one stone.
Nathan: All right, yeah. Let's go... murder some birds with a rock.
Ms. Bowen: It's Coach Kent, which can only mean nobody told him it's a half-day and Phoebe's mom picked her up hours ago.
Roy: Fuuuuuuuuuu... ...n. That's fun, innit?
Roy: (referring to a table full of alchohol) I always thought this was what the teachers did when we went home.
Ms. Bowen: Art fundraiser tonight. For 20 quid, you can buy a kid's art. For 40, I'll send it home with you already in a rubbish bin.
Roy: That's a solid business model.
Ms. Bowen: I won't be able to display Phoebe's artwork.
Roy: Why not?
(Ms. Bowen shows Roy drawings of breasts)
Roy: Oh, no. She draws ti...
Ms. Bowen: Unnervingly accurate charcoal sketches of breasts, yes. There were more, but some of the boys stole them and I think are using them as currency.
Ted: Okay, so let's see. You and...
Rebecca: Sam...
Ted: ...uel L. Jackson?
Rebecca: Obisanya.
Ted: Right, okay. Just checking. Okay, well, you know, I think that's great. Hold on. Wait. No... Yes. Yeah, I do. No, I think that's fine.
Rebecca: I think I need to end it.
Ted: Sure, I can see that.
Rebecca: I asked him for a bit of time to figure things out. And now we're in a bit of a limbo situation.
Ted: Great party game, horrible relationship status.
Ted: Sam and Rebecca are already one of my all-time favorite TV couples. To have one of them in real life? Yes, please.
Ted: Well, Rebecca. Listen to me. Don't listen to me. Don't listen to Edwin Akufo. Don't even listen to Sam. You just listen to your gut, okay? And on your way down to your gut, check in with your heart. Between those two things, they'll let you know what's what. They make good harmony, like two-thirds of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, you know what I mean?
Ted: You know, boss, you're starting to develop a bit of a habit.
Rebecca: Am I?
Ted: Oh, yeah. Same time, same place last year, you dropped another truth bomb on me.
Rebecca: See you next year.
Ted: I can't wait.
Nathan: God, this place is so posh. Feel like I'm not supposed to be here.
Keeley: This place is for rich twats who piss away all their money on an outfit they only wear once. But, Nate, today you are one of those twats.
Jarkko: I'm worried about the crotch. Does the crotch feel loose? The crotch looks loose. Keeley, thoughts on the crotch?
(Keeley and Jarkko kneel down to stare at Nathan's crotch)
Nathan: Oh, my Go...
Keeley: I think the crotch looks great.
Jarkko: We can have the crotch taken in. It's better to have a tight crotch than a loose crotch, you know?
Nathan: (gulp)
Ted: I just came up to invite Doctor Sharon to Colin's birthday party tomorrow night.
Higgins: Colin's birthday is August the 21st.
Ted: I love that you know that.
Higgins: Yeah, I know everybody's birthday.
Ted: Really? Liam Neeson.
Higgins: June 7th.
Ted: Tina Turner.
Higgins: November 26th.
Ted: Chuck Norris, Sharon Stone, and Osama Bin Laden.
Higgins: All March the 10th.
Ted: You are good.
Ted: Beg to differ, Higgy Stardust. Sharon's last day is manana.
Higgins: Yes, but an emergency came up, and she has to leave tonight.
Ted: Wait, she left without saying goodbye?
Higgins: She wrote everybody a letter. Mine was very nice. Here's yours.
(Ted refuses to take the letter)
Ted: No.
Higgins: Don't "let-her" her get away with it, Ted!
Roy: So you're Ms. Bowen, the mean teacher. Well, Phoebe likes you.
Ms. Bowen: She's smart. Most of them hate me. They have, like, 20 different mean nicknames for me.
Roy: Go on.
Ms. Bowen: I don't know any of them. Ms. Bowlegs, Ms. Boring, Ms. Bonehead, Ms. Bellend, Boaty Ms. Boatface and then there's one little boy who simply calls me Fuck-witch, which is admittedly my favorite.
Ted: (To Dr. Sharon) Well, well, well. Look what the weird bike rode in.
Dr. Sharon: Ted, how long have you been standing out here?
Ted: A long time. And I really gotta use the john too, but I'm gonna hold it a bit longer, 'cause I'm so dang ticked off at you.
Dr. Sharon: (to Ted) Thanks to you, I've learned that expressing my vulnerabilities can help my patients with theirs. You helped me become a better therapist. And that's saying something, because I was already f*cking brilliant.
Ted: That's nice of you to say. And yet, you were gonna leave without letting me know any of that.
Dr. Sharon: Ted, it's all in the letter.
Ted: It's all in the letter! It's all in your... Okay, well, fine. I'll read your stupid-ass letter. Unbelievable. You spelled "favorite" wrong.
(Ted reads the letter)
Ted: It's a very good letter.
Sam: I've never had West African food this good in London. I can't believe I didn't know this place existed.
Edwin: Well, it doesn't. I had it created for us. I brought in my own chefs. I travel often, and I know what it's like to miss the food from home.
Edwin: Sam, you are the fourth person to know this. I'm buying Raja Casablanca in Morocco. My only focus in life will be to make us one of the biggest clubs in the world. Bayern, United, PSG, Barcelona... Casablanca. The greatest African players around the world will come home to play for us. Mark my words, in 20 years, an African team will win the World Cup.
Roy: Hey. I'm sorry I'm late.
Keeley: You're not late, babe. Your outfit's in the closet.
Roy: You look cool as f*ck.
Keeley: Please say that it's gonna be good 'cause I'm really losing it. I'm so nervous.
Roy: Babe, you've done a thousand magazines. You did an advert for a service station where you jumped out of an airplane topless eating a hamburger. You can't be more nervous than that.
Roy: The real you is f*cking amazing. And now the whole world is gonna get to see that. You are Keeley f*cking Jones, the independent woman. You're gonna kill it.
Keeley: All right, so, earlier when I was suit shopping with Nate, there was a little misunderstanding. He tried to kiss me. It wasn't a big deal, but I just thought you should know.
Roy: Sh1t. That must've been awkward. Thank you for telling me. (pauses) I was talking to Phoebe's teacher earlier for three hours. And at the end she asked me if I was married, and I just said no, nothing else. I don't know why.
(both pause to think)
Keeley: At the funeral, Jamie told me he still loves me.
(both pause to think)
Photographer: Okay. Here we go. Turn to me.
(they both turn and awkwardly stare straight forward)
Ted: If you excuse me, I'm gonna go hit one of my favorite British words, and my absolute favorite Diamond Phillips, the loo.
Baz: (to Dr. Sharon) You're the shrink for the team, yeah? (turns to Jeremy) Go on. Ask her.
Jeremy: I'm scared of snakes. Like, really scared of snakes, even the tiny ones in my garden. Does that mean anything?
Dr. Sharon: Do you want it to mean something?
Jeremy: I just don't wanna be afraid when I'm tending to my tomatoes.
Dr. Sharon: Because the garden is your safe space. Is it about the snakes, or is it about the fear and anxiety slithering into your consciousness?
Jeremy: That's it. The last one! That's it!
Jeremy: Sorceress.
Baz: I have a recurring dream...
Dr. Sharon: (whispers) Oh, God.
Baz: ...where I'm floating. Not flying, floating.
Mae: (interrupting) Piss off, you three. You want psychiatric help, call the number I gave you.
Sam: I sincerely wish I wasn't in my boxers right now.
Deborah: Boxer briefs. And like clunky exposition, they leave very little to the imagination.
Keeley: So where do you think her father is right now?
Roy: In the drawer of a funeral home.
Keeley: No. I mean, like, spiritually.
Roy: In the drawer of a funeral home.
Ted: You know, growing up, I used to believe that if you did good things, you went to heaven. You did bad things, you went to hell. Nowadays, I know we all just do both. So wherever he is, I hope he's happy.
Higgins: I like to imagine a heaven where animals are in charge, and humans are the pets. I'd like to spend eternity curled up in front of a fire at Cindy Clawford's feet.
Nathan: I'd like to be reincarnated as a tiger... and then ravage anyone who looked at me wrong.
Coach Beard: You know, if you weigh a person's body right after death, it's 21.3 grams lighter, and some say that's the weight of the soul.
Roy: Whoever figured that out clearly weighed someone, murdered them, then weighed them again. You live, you die, you're done. Good night.
(Roy leaves)
Keeley: He's on his period.
Isaac: Oi, so we're all going to this funeral as a team. So that means ties, shirts... and no trainers.
Zoreaux: What if they're, like, really nice Yeezys?
Isaac: What color?
Zoreaux: Bright red.
(Isaac stares at him)
Zoreaux: Okay, I'll wear some dress shoes.
Dani: Where do you get dress shoes?
Colin: I don't have time to stand in line at midnight and wait till morning to buy new shoes.
Jamie: You don't have to do that for shoes like these, mate. Nobody wants them.
Keeley: Roy, if you die, do you want to be buried or cremated? Like, if you were hit by a bus today, what do I do?
Roy: Go after the bus driver and make him pay for what he did to me. Avenge me, Keeley. Avenge me!
Keeley: I found this company, and they bury you in a biodegradable sack. So when your body decomposes, it fertilizes the seeds of a fruit tree. That's what I want. Because then you and all the people that love me can eat the fruit from my tree.
Roy: That is f*cking mental.
Keeley: Coming from the guy that wants me to ruin a bus driver's life just 'cause he killed you swerving to avoid a child.
Roy: I didn't know about the f*cking child.
Keeley: I just like the idea that my death can nourish people.
Roy: With fruit made from your rotting corpse? I wouldn't eat that.
Keeley: But you'll eat a kebab that you find a hair in?
Roy: It's fine if you know who the hair is from. That's part of the deal. He's a lovely bloke.
Deborah: What a chubby baby!
(baby cries)
Rebecca: Congratulations, Mother. You've just fat-shamed a baby to tears.
Roy: Cheer up, Keeley. It's a funeral.
Dani: I hate dress shoes so much, Jamie.
Jamie: I know, muchacho. 'Cause remember, they ain't made for people like us. They're made for sheep. They're made for Muggles. They're made for twats.
Dani: When I get home, I will set them on fire, and their memory will burn in hell.
Jamie: Jesus, Dani.
Dani: Jesus has no place in the conversation of these damn shoes.
Ted: You want something to drink? A cup of tea or something?
Dr. Sharon: No, thank you. I hate tea. Tastes like a wet paper bag.
Coach Beard: I don't think I've ever been in a properly... Anglican house of worship before, and... it makes me miss you, and I just wish you were here.
Jane: Me too. I love funerals. Is it an open casket?
Coach Beard: God, I hope so.
Sassy: So, Stinky. Who are you secretly shagging?
Rebecca: What?
Keeley: Let's skip the part where you pretend you're not, yeah?
Rebecca: What are you even talking about?
Keeley: How about the bullshit text after the date, the fact I have not seen you outside of work for two weeks, and that even though today is your father's funeral, you are glowing like a girl that just got properly plowed.
Keeley: We're just trying to figure out who Rebecca is shagging.
Deborah: Oh, I know. And it's good.
Rebecca: Mother.
Sassy: Hang on. Hang on. Okay, let's play 20 questions.
Keeley: Yes! Yes.
Nora: Oh, my... this is thrilling.
Sassy: Is he tall?
Rebecca: Yes.
Keeley: Is it Sam?
Rebecca: (suprised) How the f*ck did you know that?
Ted: When I was in fifth or sixth grade, there was this book called Johnny Tremain, and our homework for, like, a month was to read this book. At the end of the month, I hadn't read a lick of it, you know. And we had a test, big test, like, the next day. And the night before, I was anxious as all heck, and I couldn't sleep, and my dad starts getting after me about that. And I start crying. And he's like, "Whoa, buddy. What's wrong? What's wrong?" And I tell him what's up. And he says, "Hey, don't worry about it, okay. Just go up to your room, lay your head on your pillow and think about something you're looking forward to." So that's what I did. Next morning, I wake up, and he says, "Hey, you ain't gonna ride your bike to school. I'm gonna drive you." And I'm like, "All right." And on the way to school, he talks me through the entire book, like it's a bedtime story or something. Because he stayed up all night, the whole night, reading the whole damn thing, 'cause he didn't want his little boy stressed out over some stupid, silly test. And I ended up getting an A. Boom. He was a good dad. And I don't think he knew that.
Rebecca: I don't really know what to say. My father... was... (begins to recite song lyrics) We're no strangers to love. You know the rules... And so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this From any other guy. I... just want to tell you how I'm feeling. Try to make you understand. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say...
Ted: Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
All: Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Rebecca: Never gonna give, never gonna give...
All: Give you up.
Rebecca: Never gonna give, never gonna give...
All: Give you up.
Rebecca: Thank you.
Dani: (wearing Rebecca's slippers) Rebecca, muchisimas gracias. I can feel my toes again. I am so happy we wear the same size.
Rebecca: Good. Me too. You keep those.
Dani: Your generosity knows no boundaries.
Jamie: (to Keeley) Listen, Keeley. I know that you're with Roy and that you're happy, but today's made me realize that I'd hate myself if I didn't say... I didn't just come back to Richmond to get away from my dad. I also came back 'cause of you. I finally think that I'm becoming the best version of myself, the kind of man that you always knew that I could be. And I know that this is a mad, shitty thing to do, but... I love you, Keeley.
Roy: (to Keeley) Listen, I was a prick today, making dumb f*cking jokes. It's, just, death makes me uncomfortable 'cause when my granddad died, I spent every single night for a whole year praying that I could just talk to him just once, or see him just one more time like he was Obi-Wan Kenobi or some sh1t. And I got f*ck all. But it did make me realize, we only got this one life, and I don't wanna waste a second of it. I love you, Keeley.
Ted: I know I only got to meet Mr. Welton that one time, but, well, the fact that a fella his age could still do every move from Donald O'Connor's big old dance scene from Singin' in the Rain, it just gave me a lot of hope for getting older, you know.
Rebecca: (while watching a Rick Astley video) I think you had a bit of a thing for Rick Astley, Mother.
Deborah: Well, maybe I did. But that's not him, is it?
Rebecca: Yeah, of course it is.
Deborah: No, I thought he was Black. That's Rick Astley?
Rebecca: Yes.
Gary Linaker: It was moment after moment like this. A real David versus Goliath match, but where Goliath just curb-stomped David in the back of the skull like in that Ed Norton movie.
Thierry Henry: Moonrise Kingdom?
Gary Linaker: I think that's it, yeah. man
Thierry Henry: Yeah. Well, for me, the match was a real Cinderella story. If her glass slipper broke and sliced her Achilles tendon.
Gary Linaker: What about Coach Beard?
Thierry Henry: What about him, indeed. Coach Beard knew an aggressive offensive strategy was a mistake. He should not have let Ted, Nathan and Roy convince him otherwise.
Gary Linaker: Great point, Thierry. Coach Beard is Ted Lasso's number two. He's supposed to challenge him, not just be a sniveling lackey.
Thierry Henry: Look, Gary, the man has no va-va-voom.
Gary Linaker: Does anything say "sad, single man" more than a chessboard coffee table?
Mae: Jane coming?
Coach Beard: We broke up.
Mae: Shocking.
Coach Beard: She accused me of being jealous. Me. Because I told her it's hard to know where I stand, which it is, because she never says "I love you."
Mae: Did you say it to her?
Coach Beard: I did.
Mae: And she didn't say it back.
Coach Beard: She did not.
Mae: Oof.
Coach Beard: Thank you for helping me relive that.
Mae: Well, you must feel awful.
Coach Beard: Reason is powerless in the expression of love.
Mae: Nuh-uh. I meant about the match. What the hell was your thinking behind those tactics?
Coach Beard: We can talk and drink as long as we talk about anything but the game and drink.
Jeremy: Have you ever been to Vegas?
Baz: What's Ted like behind closed doors?
Paul: How do you cope knowing the universe is infinite but your consciousness can end in a second?
Coach Beard: I've been to Vegas many times. One night is good, two nights is perfect, three is too many. Ted is a man. Just a man. And as for the fragility of life, I'm so glad someone finally asked. Because, yeah, I got a few thoughts.
(after many beers have been quaffed)
Coach Beard: And so, in conclusion, if this is all indeed a simulation, which everything in my experience suggests that it is, then all we can do is tip our caps to the rascal pulling the strings.
Mae: That's it, people. Just like my legs after a date with a guy who kept correcting me, we're closed.
Paul: You went on a date with Richard?
Richard: I think you'll find, Mae, it was two dates.
Mae: Out.
Richard: Coffee was a date.
Coach Beard: Do we know each other?
Sarah Coombes: I don't think we do, sir. May I see your membership card?
Coach Beard: University of Barcelona, class of 2004?
Sarah Coombes: I went to Warwick, 2007.
Coach Beard: Oh, sorry, you looked older.
Sarah Coombes: Are you a member here?
Coach Beard: Here? No. God, no. Never.
Sarah Coombes: Well, if you're not a member, I'm afraid you can't come in. This is Bones & Honey.
Coach Beard: You are very rude. What is your name?
Sarah Coombes: My name is Sarah Coombes. What is your name?
Coach Beard: None of my business.
(phone rings)
Sarah Coombes: Bones & Honey, may I help you?
(Beard leaves and goes back outside)
Baz: (on the phone) Hello, uh, this is the fire brigade. Uh, it's very important that we get in touch with, uh...
Coach Beard: (whispers) Sarah Coombes.
Baz: Sarah Coombes. Oh, that's you. Oh, well, I'm very sorry, madam, but your flat is on fire. Y-You need to come down here immediately.
Paul: I actually feel bad for Sarah Coombes.
Baz: Nah. Think how excited she'll be when she realizes that her place didn't actually burn down.
Coach Beard: Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Sarah Coombes's life. Her apartment will look more amazing to her than any place any of us have ever lived.
Coach Beard: Evening, gents. I see you've met my proteges. I'm Professor Declan Patrick Aloysius MacManus. At your service. I assure you, the pleasure is mine. But, I must tell you, these lads here were the best of the best at Oxford itself. And now, we're just having a wee liquid reunion, aren't we?
Red: I'm sure you know that your trousers are ripped.
Coach Beard: They're designed that way. To make it easier for people to kiss my ass.
Red: Be careful. We have decency laws in England. You'll get arrested.
Coach Beard: I wasn't aware the laws were so restrictive here.
Red: Oh, yeah. We're a repressed nation. One exposed arse can bring down the monarchy itself.
Coach Beard: How dare you speak of Prince Andrew that way.
Red: I could fix those for you. I live over there.
Coach Beard: In that pointy building?
Coach Beard: Could I please use the phone?
Hotel Desk Clerk: The hotel phones are just for guests, I'm afraid, sir.
Coach Beard: Okay then. Could I please use your phone?
Hotel Desk Clerk: My personal phone?
Coach Beard: Yes, I lost my phone and my wallet, and I'm just trying to get back home.
Hotel Desk Clerk: And what would you be using my personal phone for, sir?
Coach Beard: Booking a cab.
Hotel Desk Clerk: Nope. I'm not falling for that.
Coach Beard: Oh, I'm not trying to trick you.
Hotel Desk Clerk: Exactly what a trickster would say.
Coach Beard: I would just go through my own account, you know.
Hotel Desk Clerk: That's how it starts, isn't it? First you book a cab. Next thing I know, you've geolinked my phone to your network and all of a sudden, you and fake Melania have downloaded all my bank details and you're using my identity to shift more poppy seeds to your own private island. No. Not tonight. I've been in this game too long now.
Coach Beard: What game?
Hotel Desk Clerk: You won't touch my phone. Within seconds, you'll have my mother's maiden name, all my cryptocurrencies. Not that I have any. Next thing I know, my hard drive is being confiscated by MI5 for illegal images that you've tricked me into downloading. Oh, no. You'll not make a fool of me. Not you. Not a dead ringer for Dame Judi Dench. Not anyone. Shame on you, sir! Good night.
Ted: He'll be here. Beard's like the mailman, you know? He always delivers and he looks great in shorts.
Coach Beard: Morning, fellas.
Ted: What'd I tell you?
Ted: Sometimes, every once in a blue moon, there is a game so awful, so...
Roy: Dog sh1t?
Nathan: Haunting?
Coach Beard: A catastrophe of epic proportions.
Ted: That the only way to watch it back is at ten times the speed and with the Benny Hill theme music playing under it. Here we go.
Dr. Sharon: He refuses to open up. And when he gets anywhere close to being vulnerable, he fires off a zinger or some obscure reference to something very specific to a 40-year-old white man from middle America.
Dr. Sharon: Mind your dog!
Dog Walker: What?
Dr. Sharon: He hates that sweater!
Keeley: I haven't found a term I like yet for when I tell people I'm taking a sh1t. What do you use?
Rebecca: I need to reapply my lip liner. Men don't know what that means and women understand it requires time and focus.
Ted: You're telling me I could shatter every bone in my body, someone could just drop me off in front of any old hospital, dumped into a garbage can or something, and y'all patch me up and I don't have to pay jack squat?
Hospital Orderly: You're damn right.
Ted: I tell you, I love this country. I love this town. Oh, did you know that Winnie the Pooh was based on a real bear from the London Zoo?
Dr. Sharon: (arrives and hears Ted talking) F*ck me.
Ted: No intracranial hemorrhaging? Or subdural hematoma?
Doctor: No. You seem to know a lot about brain injuries.
Ted: Well, I watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy in my early 30s. And actually, you know, I coached football. The American kind. You know? The one with all the concussions and hullabaloo about kneeling and such.
Doctor: Hospital policy states that head trauma patients, they cannot leave unattended.
Ted: And there ain't no policy like a hospital policy, 'cause a hospital policy don't stop.
Ms. Bowen: Coach Kent, we've got a bit of an issue with Phoebe's behavior.
Roy: Let's have it.
Ms. Bowen: She's been swearing. A lot.
Roy: How bad is it?
Ms. Bowen: Today she called one of her classmates an "apathetic shitfucker."
Roy: Are they?
Ms. Bowen: Oh, yes. But that's not the point. Do you have any idea where she might be getting this from?
Ted: By all measures, it's not the cruelest prank ever played, but no one should ever make someone eat a Vaseline sandwich. But that's Ronnie Fouch for you. Innovator.
Dr. Sharon: (on a phone message recording) Ted, it's Sharon. I can't come to the phone right now. But if you want to talk my ear off about some bullshit because you're too afraid to properly emote, leave a message. Beep!
Dr. Sharon: (to Ted) I didn't mean it.
Ted: Come on now. You meant it a little bit. In concussio veritas, right? Ain't that the saying?
Higgins: (working in the cleaning closet) I'm just in here until my office exists. It's really no problem. If I spill anything, I'm next to everything I need to clean up.
Jamie: This is very, very sad.
Higgins: Fathers and sons. So tricky. They should really write songs about it.
Jamie: Think they do.
Higgins: Yeah, I know. I was just...
Jamie: Anyway... You... Are you close with your dad?
Higgins: Ups and downs, like everyone. It's complicated.
Jamie: Mine's not complicated. He's just a dick. Every situation, he does exactly what a dick would do. Not much you can do with that. Know what I mean?
Jamie: James Tartt. His mates are Denbo Cullens and Bug.
Higgins: "Bug"?
Jamie: Just Bug. One G. Like the animal. It's his legal name. Changed it.
Higgins: Because he's small like a bug?
Jamie: No, 'cause he eats bugs for money.
Phoebe: Thank you for the ice cream, Uncle Roy.
Roy: Oi! You can't swear, Phoebe.
Phoebe: But you swear all the time.
Roy: Yeah. And it didn't hold me back 'cause I'm a footballer. No one cares if we swear. It's part of the job. It's encouraged. But you can't be a doctor, or a teacher, or a...
Phoebe: Veterinarian for wild animals.
Roy: Or a veterinarian for wild animals. I still don't get how that works. You treat them in the woods and no one pays you?
Roy: I get concerned that I've been infecting you with the worst parts of me.
Phoebe: That's not true. Uncle Roy, you teach me great things. I called that boy a name because he's a bully. And because of you, I stand up to bullies. And referees. And I can do that without swearing.
Roy: Yeah. 'Cause you are better than me.
Phoebe: I'm as good as the best you. Maybe we can stop swearing together.
Roy: F*ck you.
Phoebe: Can you come in for one game of Princess and Dragon?
Roy: Can I be the dragon this time?
Phoebe: No.
Roy: Fine. But you better have fixed the wand.
Dr. Sharon: I have water and I have wine.
Ted: Chicken and the egg, huh?
Ted: I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth. Flat.
Ted: So, you gonna get a new bike, or you wanna lay off riding for a bit?
Dr. Sharon: I don't know. I haven't thought about it.
Ted: Well, I hope you get back on that horse. And by horse, I mean bicycle. Although how cool would it be if you started riding a horse to work? Everybody starts calling you "Dr. Sharon Horsewoman" or... You know, becomes your hook.
Dr. Sharon: I really should get some rest.
Ted: Hey, 10-4, good buddy. Good colleague.
Keeley: Get in there. Either it's gonna be the most amazing night or it's gonna be so sh1t that you can punish me for it for the rest of our friendship.
Rebecca: I do like the sound of that.
Rebecca: No. Sam. We can't... I'm your boss. No. No. You are way too young. I mean, you're what, like, 24?
Sam: I'm... I'm 21.
Rebecca: Oh, my God. I'm a pedophile. I feel... I've groomed you. All these messages. I was grooming you!
Sam: You didn't groom me, okay? We didn't know who we were.
Rebecca: Okay, but... but now we do, and this is not happening.
Sam: It can just be a funny coincidence that we both happened to turn up to the same fabulous restaurant, both of us alone... And hungry. That can happen. Right?
Rebecca: I mean, I am quite hungry.
Dr. Sharon: After today, I was worried I'll be too scared to enjoy riding again.
Ted: I would say that fear's a lot like underwear...
Dr. Sharon: (interrupting) No, I don't want to discuss it. I don't need a pep talk.
Ted: (referring to Wembley Stadium) Focus up. All right, fellas, I want you to close your eyes. Look around. (stops) You know. I mean, open them up and take it all in. But remember, this right behind me, just a regular old football pitch. You take away the stadium and all the stands, I think you'll find it's the same size as our pitch back home on Nelson Road.
Coach Beard: Not exactly.
Ted: What's that?
Nathan: It's 500 square yards bigger.
Ted: Really? The pitches aren't the same size?
Roy: No!
Nathan: This is the biggest pitch in the country.
Coach Beard: Huge advantage for City.
Ted: Boy, oh, boy. This sport has the loosiest-goosiest rules of all. Tough to get my head around sometimes. Okay. All right. It's bigger. And, look, I know y'all grew up watching games on this field, so you're probably a little nervous. Shoot, I know I got goose bumps. I remember being a little kid, sitting in front of the television and watching Queen perform right over there during Live Aid.
Coach Beard: No, you didn't.
Roy: That was old Wembley.
Nathan: That field was even bigger.
Ted: It doesn't matter. Point is, guys, we're here now, okay? At this Wembley. The one that Freddie Mercury never stepped foot in. And this is our day to make history. And I believe we're gonna do just that.
Baz: We win this match, we get Richmond tattoos.
Mae: Already got one.
Jeremy: Where?
Mae: Mind your f*cking business.
Ted: I'm just doing some breathing exercises that Doc taught me, that's all.
Nathan: Hope it's not stomach problems again.
Roy: Tell me you didn't eat the prawn cocktail.
Ted: Hey, fellas, hold on a sec. I need to tell you all something. When I left the match against Tottenham, it... it wasn't 'cause, you know, my stomach was bothering me. It was 'cause I had a panic attack. I've been having them from time to time as of late, and I'm working on it. But I just want you all to know the truth. We good?
All: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Of course. Okay.
Ted: Okay, all right. All right, let's go get 'em. Richmond on three.
Higgins: Wait! I need to confess something too. I messed up the time zones on our transfer deadline, which is why we didn't sign up that amazing fullback from Brazil.
All: That's okay. Okay. Yeah, okay. All good. Okay. That's all right.
Ted: Yeah. Okay. Here we go.
Roy: I don't read the scouting reports you guys write. I've lied every time they've come up. They're boring, and I won't do it.
Ted: I appreciate that.
Nathan: I pretend to get ideas in the moment, but they're just good ideas I've had for months. I just time them to look spontaneous.
Higgins: It's a good move.
Ted: Illusion of the first time.
Coach Beard: There was one game this season where I was accidentally on mushrooms.
Nathan: "Accidentally"?
Coach Beard: I'd been at Jane's house, and I drank tea from the wrong pot.
Roy: The Port Vale match?
Coach Beard: Yeah. It won't happen again.
Ted: Thanks, guys. All right, let's go kick their butts.
Coach Beard: Butts on three.
Ted: Works for me. One, two, three.
All: Butts!
Ted: (To Coach Beard) You all fancy now, drinking tea, huh?
Coach Beard: I didn't know how to tell you.
Nathan: Hey, ref! Clean the sh1t out of your eyes, you dickless wonder.
Arlo: Oh, no. Never mess with Mike Dean.
Mike Dean: (gives Nathan a yellow card) Can't say that, mate. I'm sorry. There you go.
Ted: Sorry about that, Mike. We all know you have a penis.
Mike Dean: I've been called worse.
Arlo: The only nice thing I can say about Richmond today is that Sam Obisanya's hair looks absolutely fantastic.
Security: Mr. Tartt. You have a visitor. Says he's your father.
Jamie: Yeah.
James Tartt: Are you decent? (to security) I told ya. Dick. (to the team) Oh, gentlemen! Gentlemen! Hey, it's a tough one, lads. It's a tough one, but no shame to it, 'cause, you know, we only ever beat everybody we play. So you pups had no chance. And there he is, my son. My own flesh and blood. Poor Jamie, my son. Now, maybe I'm thinking his heart's still in Manchester and that's why he missed that sitter in the first half. You absolutely balled it. You balled it. What were you thinking? I'm only kidding, hey. Hey, look, do us a favor and get Denbo and Bug past security. They wanna go on the pitch, take a few snaps, yeah?
Jamie: I'd rather 'em not.
James Tartt: Yeah, they just want to look around. It'll only take a second.
Jamie: I'd rather 'em not.
James Tartt: What? What, you're not gonna all go little moody bitch just 'cause you got your arse served to you on a plate, are ya?
Jamie: Don't speak to me like that. Don't speak to me like that. Don't speak to me like that.
James Tartt: Okay, well, let's see if you can hear this. You know that ickle TV show you made? You made it easier for Manchester City to kick you to the curb. And look where you are now. Twaddling about with a bunch of amateurs. (to team) No offense, no offense. (grabs Jamie) Don't turn your back on me, you pussy.
(Jamie punches him)
Ted: My father killed himself when I was 16. That happened to me and to my mom.
Dr. Sharon: I'm so sorry, Ted.
Ted: And look, I don't know if that's where maybe some of my issues stem from.
Dr. Sharon: No, it definitely is.
Ted: (to Coach Beard) What do you say we make like Schreiber and Liev, huh?
Nathan: (referring to his photo in the newspaper) Would you look at that. (laughs) They'll let anyone in the newspapers nowadays, won't they?
Lloyd Shelley: They say humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking about yourself less.
Ted: (sitting across from Dr. Sharon) Quite intimate here, you know? Close. Close quarters. It's like we're on a episode of The Sopranos, without all the gratuitous violence, which is a good thing. But a lot less spaghetti and clams too, which is a bad thing. So...
Ted: You got tissues over there, huh? Hmm.
Dr. Sharon: Yes, tissues.
Ted: Yeah. What are those for?
Dr. Sharon: Sometimes it gets a bit emotional in here.
Ted: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Sharon: Not always, but sometimes.
Ted: Yep, yep, yep.
Dr. Sharon: Sometimes people just sneeze.
Ted: All right, fellas. Look, there are two things you can't ever let the other team know, all right? The first one's your home address. Mark my words. You'll start having food deliveries and SWAT teams showing up 24-7, which is nuts, 'cause in my day, all we had to worry about was crank phone calls. Then, with the advent of caller ID, that joy got 86'd from the prank menu, which is a darn shame, 'cause the Jerky Boys were a national treasure. Y'all should give them a Google sometime. But I digress...
Ted: I don't wanna see y'all walking around with your tired faces, all... Okay? Just huffing and puffing around the pitch. Uh-uh. No, thank you. The only face I wanna see from y'all is, what, Coach?
Coach Beard: (yelling) Game face, baby!
Ted: Darn tootin', Vladimir Putin!
Colin: Lucky us. We get to be trained by the Wonder Kid himself.
(The team laughs)
Nathan: (sour) Oh, very funny, Colin. You a stand-up comic now? Kind of ironic, 'cause I sat you down at the match the other day.
Keeley: Oh, my God. Just answer him. It's been two days.
Rebecca: I don't know what to say.
Higgins: How about the truth? "I'd love to meet up, but I'm worried that you can't live up to the fantasy I've created in my head. So I'm going to let my insecurities keep me from possibly finding my one true love."
Rebecca: I mean, everything always goes wrong. All relationships are a nightmare.
Higgins: My relationship is the oxygen that gives me life.
Rebecca: Apart from Leslie's marriage, which is a bloody greeting card of some kind.
Keeley: If you're gonna be here, you need to go sit quietly on the couch and read your book, yeah?
Roy: (growls and moves away to read his book)
Keeley: That's not helping me either.
Roy: What? I'm doing exactly what you said. I'm sitting quietly and reading my book.
Keeley: You doing exactly what I tell you to do is so f*cking hot.
Colin: I was wondering if I'd done anything to annoy you...
Nathan: (sighs)
Colin: It's just because I felt like you got angry at me for taking the piss yesterday, but Dani and Jamie did the same thing, and you didn't get mad at them.
Nathan: Oh, yeah, I can... Yeah. No, I can explain that. Um, you see, Jamie and Dani are like Picasso and Gauguin.
Colin: Pedophiles?
Nathan: (bitterly) Artists. They're artists. And, uh, Colin, you paint too, but, um, your work doesn't end up in museums. It hangs at... Well, you're like a painting at a Holiday Inn, you know? You don't inspire. You don't move people. You're there. You cover a bloodstain. You do the job, so... just do the job. All right?
Rebecca: Keeley, stop auditioning your complaints. Just tell the person who can actually do something about it.
Ted: Well, I don't know, boss. Sometimes it's good to bottle things up. That's how we get, you know, pickles.
Keeley: And vodka.
Will: Extra virgin olive oil.
Higgins: And messages.
Ted: What?
Higgins: In bottles.
Jamie: Will, do you think you could take me name off me shirt and then put it back on but bigger?
Ted: Like I always say, sometimes the best stew is the one you leave sitting on the stove overnight 'cause you fell asleep watching Citizen Kane after too many beers.
Ted: All right, fellas! Hey! So here's the plan today. Peas and carrots, you're going with Coach Roy. Rest of you beef chunks are coming with me. Let's go to work.
Team: What?
Coach Beard: Starters with Roy, reserves with Coach.
Roy: Whistle! Oi! I said, "Whistle!"
Isaac: Roy, why don't you just use an actual whistle?
Roy: I told you, my lips are sensitive to impure metals and whistles give me mouth hives.
Roy: Jamie, what the f*ck were you doing? Richard loses his man, gets into the box, and you run the other way?
Jamie: I was pulling my defender out of his path.
Roy: He's your teammate. He needs you to come to the ball and support him. You all got that?
Jamie: Respectfully, Coach, that ain't what he needs from me. He needs me to give him space.
Roy: What'd you say?
Jamie: The best thing I can do in that situation is give him space.
Jan Maas: He's right, actually.
Jamie: Yeah, I know. I learned it from Pep.
Jan Maas: He got it from "Cruijff".
Jamie: Pronounced "Cruyff."
Jan Maas: Okay, Englishman.
Jamie: Look, whatever. The point is that Richard doesn't need me to crowd him. And since he's me teammate, I should trust him to do what's best, right?
Roy: F*ck! (walks off mad)
Jamie: I didn't say nothing bad this time!
Dani: Coach Nate, we have a gift for you.
Issac: Yeah. Good thing you apologized, otherwise this would be awkward.
(They give Nathan a jersey)
Nathan: "Wonder Kid."
Jan Maas: I mean, because of you saying that instead of "wunderkind," which is the proper pronunciation.
Nathan: Wow.
Thoreaux: It was Will's idea.
Nathan: Was it?
Will: Well, you know, it's a pretty awesome nickname, so cheers.
Nathan: Oh, no, thank you. Um... I mean, I did say wunderkind...
Jan Maas: Ahhhh....
Mae: If music be the food of love, play on. Give me excess of it.
Ted: If that's your fancy way of asking if I want another one, you guessed right.
Mae: Thought so.
Ted: Because I respect your readers so much, I'll leave out all the specific nastiness that occurred. Yeah. But I'm fit as a fiddle now.
Trent Crimm: So you had food poisoning and you are fit as a fiddle now...
Ted: Exactamundo, Dikembe Mutombo.
Trent Crimm: Love our chats.
Roy: Hey, Siri. Play the "Roy is sorry for not understanding Keeley" playlist. (Keeley giggles) I stole those roses from your neighbor's garden. Ripped them to shreds. And that... That's Phoebe's light, so I'm gonna have to give that back or I'm gonna get it in the neck. And that, that's a foot scrubber or something. The woman said it's good if you've got gross feet.
Keeley: What? You think I've got gross feet?
Roy: Babe, I think you're the cat's pajamas, but your feet are a f*cking state. (Keeley laughs) But who am I to judge? I found so much of my hair down the drain, it looked like a rat had got trapped and f*cking drowned.
Rebecca: Luca, do you believe in guardian angels?
Luca: Are they like Guardians of the Galaxy?
Dr. Sharon: You're doing great work, Colin. And I love your new mantra.
Colin: I'm a strong and capable man. I am not a piece of sh1t.
Dr. Sharon: You don't need the second part.
Ted: Hey, Doc. You get in any trouble last night?
Dr. Sharon: Nothing I care to speak about at work.
Ted: Doc, you are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.
Dr. Sharon: Ted, make an appointment when you need to talk.
Ted: Hey, I talk all the time, Doc. Just let me follow you around for ten minutes. After five, you'll want me to hush my butt.
Ted: (to Keeley and Roy) Hey. I tell you what, I'm shipping the heck out of you two.
Roy: I'm calling HR.
Ted: Yeah, well, tell Mr. Pufnstuf I said hello. That is a joke for people born in the early to mid '70s.
Ted: I don't know about you fellas, but I am fired up for this FA Cup thing. I mean, come on. A March Madness tournament in the middle of our season featuring every dang team in the country? Yes, please. I mean, what we got? Davids versus Goliaths, right? You know? Rockys versus Apollos. Steve Wiebes against Billy Mitchells. What's another one, Coach?
Coach Beard: Pearl Jam versus Ticketmaster.
Ted: Classic battle of art versus commerce right there.
Ted: You back into floating office mode, huh?
Higgins: Yeah. But it's no bother. I'm a flaneur by nature.
Ted: I get that, yeah. Hey, Coach, what's a flaneur?
Coach Beard: A wanderer.
Ted: Diamond Dogs, mount up! Hey, Roy, you wanna sit in with us...
Roy: No! (leaves)
Ted: Okay. Yeah, shut that. (Higgins begins to climb through the window) He looks a little bit... Yeah, you're gonna come in through here. (Ted tries to help Higgins) That's fine. I got you. Just... Do you wanna... Dukes of Hazzard style, or as you guys probably call it, "the Earls of Risk."
Ted: One of my best friends growing up was this fella, Marcus Girard. He dated the same girl from grade school to high school to college, whole time. And she could be a little bit of a pill, if I'm being honest, you know? No reason to start lying now. And, well, I let him know that. I told him so. And he was not too pleased, all right? And that is the last time I ever gave a best man speech.
Nathan: I try to be outwardly supportive of all relationships due to my dad sabotaging one of my first loves. In year four, he sat me and my classmate, Nadia Shookums, down in the living room and said he thought we could both do better. Well, she listened to him.
Ted: Boy, that's a heaping spoonful of truth soup right there.
Ted: Diamond Dogs dismount.
(all bark together)
Roy: Stupid barking means it's over, right?
Ted: Hi, Rebecca's mom. Hey, fellas. Say hi.
Team: Hi, Rebecca's mum.
Deborah: Hello, boys. And the name's not Rebecca's mum, it's Deborah. I'm a work in progress, a voracious book on tape listener and a staunch believer that if you get dealt lemons in life, then you should make lemon lavender mojitos.
Ted: Boy, I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual as to why they're nuts.
Coach Beard: (yelling fanatically) Let's go!
Ted: How's Mrs. Beard doing, by the way?
Coach Beard: Full-blown QAnon.
Ted: Yep.
Coach Beard: No horseradish?
Ted: I thought you were allergic?
Coach Beard: To horses and radishes.
Ted: I'm sorry.
Keeley: Do you reckon you'd be up for driving us back from lunch?
Ted: Sure, I'll give it a shot.
Keeley: I've got some creative work I wanna do this afternoon and I kinda wanna be a little buzzed for it.
Ted: Seems like a great idea all around.
Ted: Keeley, you got any advice for this young, half-dressed fella (referring to Jamie) on how to get through to Roy?
Keeley: I agree.
Ted: That's a confusing way to answer that question. Am I wrong?
Keeley: No, I mean, I agree with Roy. Just agree with everything that he throws at you. Really takes the anger wind out of his brat sails.
Deborah: You see, there comes a point when you realize life is long, and it's also very short. And sometimes it's neither. But it is always what it is, you know? So, I looked him in the eye and I said, "Paul, I'm leaving you." I'm gonna live my best life now, for as long as I can, until I die. Or until I'm murdered. And then I stood up, I flushed the toilet, I pulled up my trousers, and I walked straight out of there.
Keeley: That's incredible. Inspiring. You should do a TED Talk.
Ted: No, I agree. Yeah, 'cause right now you're getting a whole heap of "Ted listen."
Deborah: (referring to the noisy bar patrons) Could you tell them to stop shouting at the football?
Mae: What football? They're watching last night's Bake Off.
Bar Patrons: Look at that sponge! That's rubbish! Temper your chocolate, you twat!
Coach Beard: I was just thinking about you.
Jane: What were you thinking?
Coach Beard: That if you ever left me again I would throw myself off a cliff.
Jane: And I'd lay down at the bottom so you could land on me.
Coach Beard: (breathy) Jane Pain.
Jamie: Why won't you coach me?
Roy: Because you don't deserve it.
Jamie: You're right. I don't deserve it.
Roy: And the way you play is dull and conformist.
Jamie: It's true. I do play in quite a dull and conformisty way.
Roy: And you're ugly. You're an ugly, ugly boy. With bad hair. Say it.
Jamie: I am...
Roy: Yeah?
Jamie: I am an ugly, ugly boy... With hair that maybe could be slightly... With bad hair, fine!
Roy: Cheers. I enjoyed that.
Jamie: You f*cking arsehole!
Roy: Yeah. I know you are, but so are you.
Jamie: I'm trying to build bridges here.
Roy: You couldn't f*cking build Jeff Bridges.
Jamie: How will I know when?
Ted: I'm actually curious about that myself too.
Roy: We'll give you a signal.
Jamie: What signal?
Ted: Any specifics we need to look out for?
Roy: You'll know it when you see it.
Will: I swear, if we actually win this match, I will burn this pub to the ground. I will...
(Mae stares at him)
Will: ...knock over a chair. I will channel my raging enthusiasm into ways to help my community.
Jamie: Barnett, here's what's gonna happen, yeah. You're gonna foul me, and I'm gonna score all the way from back here.
Barnett: Piss off, Tartt.
Ted: Hey, what do you think? Trick play? You know, maybe a Loki's Toboggan or Upside-Down Taxi?
Roy: You don't need it. The little prick's gonna f*cking score from there.
Nathan: No way.
(Jamie places the ball)
Coach Beard: It's too far.
(Jamie kicks the goal)
Ted: Are you kidding me?
Rebecca: Your noise is back. What's up?
Higgins: I feel compelled to tell a friend something he won't want to hear.
Rebecca: Is this about Beard and Jane? I see her sometimes, lurking around the car park. I mean, she's a bit intense, but she's adorable. Like a tipsy Reese Witherspoon playing Running Charades.
Higgins: What's Running Charades?
Rebecca: What's Running Charades?
Keeley: You guys talking about Beard and Jane? She's quite the jealous type, right? She once followed me all the way home just to ask if Beard was shagging Ted.
Arlo: Well, we've seen this before. Lasso appears to be leaving?
Chris: I know that run. That's the run of a man who just ate a bad fish pie.
Arlo: Chris, is there a good fish pie?
Nathan: Colin, Dani, Richard, you're coming off.
Colin: Me?
Nathan: Yes, you, Colin. Park the bus! Park the bus! No one up front. Do it.
Reporter: It seemed like a negative strategy to pull everyone into defense when you needed a goal.
Nathan: Yes, but I knew they needed a goal too. As long as I made sure they couldn't get through, at some point, human nature, someone would screw up and we could exploit that.
Reporter: Impressive by an assistant coach.
Nathan: Just did what had to be done. It's not like I'm some kind of "wonder kid."
Reporter: Some kind of what?
Nathan: "Wonder kid."
Reporter: I think you mean wunderkind.
Nathan: Yeah? Yeah. Can we fix that with editing, or...
Reporter: No, we're live.
Higgins: (to Coach Beard) Look, let me ask you one question. You're a great man. Does Jane make you greater?
Coach Beard: (Cringes)
Higgins: Okay, look, I apologize. (moves to shake hands)
(Coach Beard pushes his hand away, then hugs him)
Higgins: Okay, okay. That...
Coach Beard: I hear you. I get it. We will never speak of this again.
Coach Beard: How was Finn?
Jane: He's like a Rembrandt. Beautiful to look at but so dim.
Nathan: This is my mom and dad's favorite restaurant and Friday's their 35th wedding anniversary, Jade.
Jade: How do you know my name?
Nathan: Oh, I don't. That's what the 35th wedding anniversary is... Jade.
Jeff: Roy, your old mob in Richmond, uh, struggling. There are a lot of theories as to why that might be. One that's gaining traction is a lack of leadership from your successor as captain, Isaac McAdoo.
Roy: Isaac's a good lad. He'll find his way.
George: You know, under Ted Lasso, Richmond, well, they're like a woman behind the wheel... completely lost!
Roy: George! Didn't you lose your license drink driving?
George: That was an allergic reaction to my medication.
Roy: The same medication that made you piss your pants?
Nathan: I would really like the window table, you know, just to impress my dad.
Jade: I'm sorry. I can't guarantee a reservation for the window table.
Nathan: I know Roy Kent, if that's...
Jade: Is he your dad?
Nathan: No.
Jade: Well, please let us know if Mr. Kent ever wants the window table.
Ted: People saying there's something wrong with us. Not the way I see it, okay? And here's why: I believe in communism. (players murmur) Rom-communism, that is.
Bumbercatch: What is rom-communism?
Ted: Well, Bumbercatch, it is a world view that reminds us that romantic comedies with folks like Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan or, uh, Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant or... Who am I missing, Coach?
Coach Beard: (sighs)
Richard: Drew Barrymore?
Thoreaux: Matthew McConaughey, obviously.
Ted: All right, all right.
Jamie Tartt: The three Kates.
Colin: Yeah, Beckinsale, Hudson, Winslet.
Nathan: You forgot Blanchett.
Coach Beard: Different spelling.
Sam: I enjoy Renee Zellweger and all the Bridget Jones movies. Mmm. I mean, her accent is pitch perfect and her gift of physical comedy is grossly underrated.
Ted: Word!
Ted: Point is, fellas, if all those attractive people with their amazing apartments and interesting jobs, usually in some creative field, can go through some lighthearted struggles and still end up happy, then so can we.
Ted: Gentlemen, believing in rom-communism is all about believing that everything's gonna work out in the end. Now these next few months might be tricky, but that's just 'cause we're going through our dark forest. Fairy tales do not start, nor do they end in the dark forest. That son of a gun always shows up smack-dab in the middle of a story. But it will all work out. Now, it may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does, but believe me, it will all work out. Exactly as it's supposed to. Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go.
Coach Beard: Hey, anyone know what's going on with Isaac?
Ted: I got no idea.
Nathan: Maybe it's piles.
Coach Beard: I've accepted "aubergine" and "snogging", but "piles" I will not abide.
Ted: Wait a second, we play Sheffield Wednesday?
Coach Beard: Saturday.
Ted: Oh, we're playing Sheffield Saturday?
Coach Beard: Sheffield Wednesday, Saturday.
Ted: We gotta play 'em twice in the same week?
Coach Beard: (inhales deeply) The club is called Sheffield Wednesday. We play them on Saturday. They're called Sheffield Wednesday because they used to only play on Wednesdays. But nowadays they play on whatever day they feel like, including, but not limited to, Saturdays, which, again, is the day we will be playing them.
Dr. Sharon: Coach Lasso, is Isaac okay?
Ted: No, ma'am, he is not. Nah, he's a wigwam and a teepee right now.
Dr. Sharon: What does that mean?
Coach Beard: He's too tense.
Both: Boom!
Dr. Sharon: Do you want me to talk to Isaac?
Ted: No. That's okay. We got it. I know exactly what Isaac needs. Thank you, though.
(Dr. Sharon leaves)
Nathan: Okay. What does Isaac need?
Ted: Oh, I have no idea.
Ted: Usually in this situation I'd have a player talk to the team captain before I intervened. But Isaac's our captain. Exactly. And I can't very well ask Isaac to pull himself aside. 'Cause that would be dangerously close to messing with the, what's it?
Nathan: The dark arts?
Coach Beard: No, no. Space-time continuum?
Ted: That's it, yeah.
Rebecca: This mystery man that I've been talking to on Bantr has just quoted Rilke. "Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasures".
Keeley: Oh, that is so hot. Maybe you're writing letters to a hung poet.
Rebecca: Is that a joke from Sex and The City?
Keeley: No, but thank you. I love that you're so excited. That's so Bantr, a place where minds can come to undress. That's really good. I'm gonna use that.
Keeley: Dani! Enjoy your free coffee.
Dani: Oh, I don't drink coffee. My mother says I was born caffeinated.
Nathan: (referring to the free coffee makers) Oh, wow. Look at this.
Keeley: Sorry, Nate. They're actually just for the players.
Nathan: Oh. Oh, good. Oh, I hate free coffee anyway, always tastes so, um...
Higgins: We have an inquiry from AFC Wrexham. Just got a call from their new owners, showbiz magnates Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds. I can't tell if them buying the club is a joke or not, so I haven't replied to them yet.
Rebecca: Did you just see what was on my screen?
Higgins: Oh, no, no, no, no. (sighs) I have five boys. I never look over anyone's shoulders to see what's on their screens. I used to.
Rebecca: So your ringtone for your wife is "She's a Rainbow" by the Rolling Stones? That's awfully affectionate.
Higgins: Yeah, well, it's our song. It was playing the moment we met. And, uh, it's not an exaggeration. She really is my rainbow.
Rebecca: It is so odd to imagine you young.
Higgins: Yeah, I get that a lot. I was the only kid in primary school with sciatica. I had a gelatinous L4 and five.
Higgins: The night I met my wife, I was attempting to be a brooding punk with hair spiked out to here. (raises hand high over his head) And then, uh, "She's a Rainbow" came on and I started playing upright air bass but I had a pint in my hand and ended up pouring beer all over my head. Oh! Everyone in the bar laughed, except one person who handed me a damp, disgusting bar towel. And I've been married to her for 29 years.
Nathan: Can you make me famous?
Keeley: No! Nate, you don't wanna be famous.
Nathan: I don't?
Keeley: No! There'll be photographers all up your bum, and tabloids going through your rubbish.
Nathan: I don't want that.
Keeley: Groupies everywhere?
Nathan: That's not horrible.
Keeley: Nathan needs a table at a restaurant.
Rebecca: Whoo, excellent. Alain Ducasse at The Dorchester? Ooh, L'Atelier Robuchon. Chiltern Firehouse!
Nathan: No, er-- Um, it's, uh, A Taste of Athens in T-Tooting.
Rebecca: Did he just say, "Tooting"?
Keeley: Tooting. It's his parents' favorite place.
Nathan: Well, it's the place that my dad complains about the least.
Rebecca: Wait, you can't get a table at something called "A Taste of Athens" in Tooting?
Nathan: No, it's impossible.
Rebecca: All right. Well, there's a simple solution to that. I'll just buy the restaurant.
Keeley: (laughs) Well, you know the saying? "You buy a man a table, he eats once. You teach a man how to get a table and he eats at that restaurant until it becomes a Starbucks."
Roy: I told you, either you take down my photo or you start giving me free kebabs.
Restaurateur: 7.50, mate.
Roy: Fair enough.
Ted: Fancy running into you here, after asking Keeley where you were and scootin' my boot right over, that is.
Roy: She told me to expect a mustachioed surprise that would anger me. I thought it was gonna be Wario or my great-aunt Natalie.
Ted: I don't know what makes your aunt Natalie so great, but I appreciate your effusiveness, despite her appearance.
Roy: (growls)
Roy: Why are you bothering me at my kebab place? This is like my church.
Ted: Oh? Who knew transubstantiation could happen with a pita?
Ted: What do you think about joining the coaching staff?
Roy: F*ck off.
Ted: Mmm, that's a solid negotiation tactic right there.
Roy: I don't wanna coach. I like what I'm doing, and I'm good at it. People tweet about me, with JIFs and everything.
Ted: I know some folks pronounce it "GIFs", but I hear you.
Roy: Let me finish my kebab and pray on it.
Ted: (kneels and does the sign of the cross) Right there. (leaves money on the table) For the collection plate. Later, skater.
Roy: Well, this place is ruined now.
Keeley: Hello, sir. Can I help you?
Nathan: Uh, yes. Um, Nathan Shelley, party of three.
Keeley: Let's see, Mr. Shelby.
Nathan: Yes, Shelby. Sorry, I should have said Shelby.
Keeley: (imitates buzzer) No. That is not your name.
Nathan: It's pretty close.
Rebecca: I have a secret: I make myself big. Before I go into the room, I find somewhere private, I stand up on my tiptoes, put my arms in the air and make myself as big as possible to feel my own power. Like this... (clears throat) (inhales deeply) (growls) (more growls then silence)
Keeley: F*ck, you're amazing. Let's invade France.
Ted: Ain't no side-eye like a Roy Kent side-eye.
Ted: What about me? What do I get to do?
Roy: Nothing.
Ted: Aw, come on. Can I keep score?
Roy: Fine.
Ted: All right, I'm gonna use my fingers. It's zero-zero!
Roy: Nil-nil.
Ted: It is nil-nil.
Roy: (sighs)
Nathan: (in restaurant bathroom) You are Nathan f*cking Shelley. (spits on mirror)
(Leaves the bathroom)
Nathan: (to his parents) Be right back. Don't get too comfortable.
Nathan: (to the hostess) Jade, this is a special night for my parents, and the window table is open. So, here is what I would love to see happen. You're gonna give us that table, and then my family and I are gonna order a starter, main course, little dessert, a bottle of wine. And you are going to be stunned by how quickly a gaggle of Shelleys can get through a three-course meal and get out of here. So what do you say?
Jade: Okay.
Issac: What the f*ck, Roy? Did you bring me round here to get my leg broke?
Roy: No. I brought you here to remind you that football is a f*cking game that you used to play as a f*cking kid. 'Cause it was fun, even when you were getting your f*cking legs broken or your f*cking feelings hurt. So, f*ck your feelings, f*ck your overthinking, f*ck all that bullshit, go back out there and have some f*cking fun.
Issac: All right, game on.
Roy: Was that all right?
Ted: That was great.
Roy: Too many f*cks?
Ted: I don't know. Kinda like all the nipples in that movie, Showgirls. Halfway through, you don't even notice. You just kinda get sucked into the narrative.
Roy: I dated Gina Gershon once.
Ted: That makes me happy.
Ted: I came here tonight 'cause when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life coaching with somebody, you want the rest of your life to begin ASAP.
Roy: Please stop.
Ted: You complete our team.
Roy: You're an asshole.
Ted: I'm also just a coach, standing in front of a boy, asking him if...
Roy: Listen, I'm never coming back to Richmond. Not now, not ever...
Coach Beard: Set your alarm for PM instead of AM?
Ted: Yes, sir, Steve Kerr. Thank you.
Coach Beard: Still, you got down here pretty quick.
Ted: Yeah, well, I think a fella should only take as long as the tune "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey to get dressed in the morning.
Coach Beard: Makes sense.
Coach Beard: Hey, you never finished your joke.
Ted: What joke?
Coach Beard: What does a British owl say?
Ted: Oh, right. Whom. Whom.
Coach Beard: Worth the wait.
Woman: We had season tickets for Richmond. My family was well-off.
Man: I was a young punk that snuck in every week. My father wanted us in the best seats in the house.
Man: I sat there because she was there.
Woman: My mother and my boyfriend were furious. They wanted to call security to kick him out.
Man: But she insisted that I should stay.
Woman: And we fell in love.
Man: And we fell in love.
Woman: Years later, a close friend of the family used the same story line for the film Titanic. And we've been in litigation ever since.
Man: Together.
Woman: Together.
Rebecca: (Laughing while texting her mystery man on her phone)
Keeley: Just stop with the foreplay. Tell him you own Richmond and that you're f*cking fit.
(Cut to Ted Lasso walking and texting on his phone)
Dr. Sharon: I was just checking in. See how you're feeling.
Ted: Oh, well, that's mighty nice of you. How am I feeling? I don't know, you know? I-- I'm just dealing with the terror of knowing what this world is about, you know? Watching a few good friends screaming to let them out.
Dr. Sharon: So, you're feeling under pressure?
Ted: Ba ba ba be doo...
Dr. Sharon: My door is always open.
Ted: Then why even have one? Heck, Coach Beard could take that thing out for ya Jack Torrance style with eight good whacks.
Coach Beard: Five good whacks. Lumberjack World Championship qualifier, baby!
Jeff: Let's round off the Premier League with Arsenal heading on the road to Newcastle, where 17-year-old Matthew Kerr will make his debut. They're calling him the Irish Ronaldo. What can we expect today?
George: Well, I think we can expect to see a commanding performance from the lad.
Jeff: Roy, what do you think he'll do today?
Roy: I don't know. He's 17. He'll probably have chips for dinner and a wank before bed.
Roy: All we do is sit around here and guess what a bunch of little pricks are gonna go and do out there, then we come back at halftime, and we complain 'cause they didn't do exactly what we thought they'd do. We don't know. Of course we don't know. We're not in the locker rooms with them. We're not on the pitch with them. We can't look 'em in the eyes and encourage them to be better than they ever thought they were capable of being. We're just... we're just on the outside looking in. Judging them.
Roy: I'll tell you the thing Nikki Sixx said in the Motley Crue Behind the Music. "You gotta date your wife."
Taxi Driver: Thanks, Roy.
Ticket Takers: Do you have a ticket? I can't let anyone in without a ticket.
Roy: I'm Roy Kent.
Ticket Taker: He does look like him. A little. Around the mouth.
Roy: Ah, for f*ck's sake. (goes to the ticket window) I believe you're holding a ticket for Reba McEntire.
Ticket Seller: Good to see you back, Reba.
(Roy walks onto the soccer pitch sidelines...)
Ted: Hello, Coach. Really glad you decided to...
Roy: Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at "Coach."
Colin: A scarf. Cool. Bumbercatch, did you make this?
Bumbercatch: Yeah, man, knitting soothes me. Sorry. I didn't know everyone was doing booze.
Colin: Nah, mate. Cheers! This is great. I can wrap it around my booze.
Ted: Nate, is this a photo of you and me after our first win?
Nathan: Yeah.
Ted: Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it. Look at that.
Keeley: "Ted, thank you for everything you've done for me. Nathan." What a lovely inscription...
Coach Beard: ...that you wrote completely over my head, face and body.
Coach Beard: Jane and I are going to a pagan Christmas ritual at Stonehenge.
Keeley: What? I thought you two broke up.
Coach Beard: We did, but we got the tickets before we broke up. So, we're going as friends. That's gonna be...
Keeley: Roy and I are celebrating a new tradition that I'm calling "Sexy Christmas." It's not gonna be like that. It's gonna be a swinging... a swinging Sinatra, Vegas-y type Christmas for adults where we get all dressed up, and we sip on martinis, sit by the fire... and then it's gonna be like that.
Ted: How you spending the rest of Santa's birthday?
Rebecca: I'm going to a Christmas party at a friend's house.
Keeley: What friend's that? First and last name, please.
Rebecca: Elton John.
Ted: Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer, Prancer and Vixen.
Rebecca: It's actually rather lovely. We just sing carols around Elton's piano, and hopefully Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig will do their puppet show again.
Ted: That sounds like double-O heaven to me.
Ted: Once Henry wakes up here, in about an hour, he wants us to open presents and spend all day together on FaceTime. It's gonna be a lovely afternoon of yuletide cheer in two dimensions.
Keeley: Did you not buy a Secret Santa gift?
Jamie: I didn't know I had to. The email said "Secret Santa." I didn't wanna ruin the surprise, did I?
Keeley: Don't worry about it. We can do Sexy Boxing Day.
Roy: Can't. I've got a match all day. Working.
Keeley: I can't do the day after. Sexy December 28th?
Roy: 28th. Sexiest of all the days.
Higgins: Sam, back home, what does Christmas make you think of?
Sam: Colonization.
Higgins: Of course.
Sam: Back home in Lagos, we have good friends who celebrate, and they always eat jollof rice and goat meat, so I made you some... but I used chicken.
Higgins: Thank God.
Keeley: Phoebe, whatever it is, we just wanna try and make it better.
Roy: What have you got to be sad about? Did one of the Paw Patrol dogs die?
Keeley: Why did Bernard get you toothpaste and mouthwash for Christmas, babe?
Phoebe: Because he told everyone my breath is rancid.
Roy: Right, where does Bernard live?
Keeley: Roy, we are not going to go beat up a little kid.
Roy: Why not?
Roy: I've spent the last 20 years in locker rooms with men. I promise you, I've smelled worse.
(Phoebe breathes on him)
Roy: I think you might be dying.
Roy: We're going to my stupid posh neighborhood, and we're gonna start knocking on doors. And if we don't find a dentist in 10 houses, you each get ?1,000.
Keeley: Let's go get our coats.
Phoebe: Yeah!
Dani: My mother was very happy I wouldn't be alone on Christmas and insisted I bring a traditional Mexican ponche! If you want to be a little bit cheeky, you can put some tequila in it.
Julie: Dani, it already smells like it has tequila in it.
Dani: Yes, this one is pre-cheeked.
Jan Maas: I brought fried chicken.
Higgins: Is that a Christmas tradition in Holland?
Jan Maas: No.
Higgins: Oh...
Rebecca: How's FaceTime Christmas with Henry going?
Ted: Well, I lost him to an overpriced guilt gift. Hubris, thy name is Ted.
Rebecca: Grab a coat. You're coming with me.
Ted: I love the buskers y'all got over here. Always reminds me of that movie, Once. You ever see that?
Rebecca: Great film.
Ted: Yeah, I loved Once so much, I saw it twice.
(After Ted donates loose change to the buskers, Rebecca donates a roll of bills)
Ted: Oh, shit. I guess that's what I get for taking a tinkle next to John Holmes.
Rebecca: Did he just call you a wanker?
Ted: Yeah, it's an inside joke. Mostly inside of him.
Roy: This isn't embarrassing. Embarrassing is me eating so much ice cream at a birthday party, knowing I'm no good with dairy, that I poop my pants on the bus. (pauses)
Keeley: Finish your story...
Roy: Three weeks ago.
Kid: You pooped your pants? Roy Kent?
Roy: Yeah, so?
Kid: I do too, sometimes.
Roy: Well... let's both try and knock that off, shall we?
Dani: We're not gonna make it. Tell my incredibly beautiful wife I love her.
Zoreaux: I'm not gonna do that, 'cause you'll tell her yourself. Then you're gonna hook me up with her identical, beautiful twin sister.
Sam: Why did you bring a date to the team Christmas party?
Richard: The French believe that having a beautiful woman around is always a good thing.
Jan Maas: That was not true with the Helter Skelter murders.
Child: Mom! There are two white people at the door and they're smiling!
Mother: Can I help you?
Rebecca: Good afternoon. We work for Santa Claus, and I believe he received this.
Child: My letter!
Rebecca: Yes, we're terribly sorry that your presents didn't arrive last night. But as elves we've been personally directed by Mr. and Mrs. Claus to deliver your presents this afternoon and to apologize for the delay. Am I forgetting anything?
Ted: Well, you see what happened was Rudolph's nose shined so brightly that it rendered me unable to see, and I was... I was delirious for several minutes. And I ended up putting this whole sack of goodies on the wrong sled. I mean, you know, ain't that nuts? Anyway, this bad boy's been around the world at least twice over the past day so? Yeah, you smell that? That's the Himalayas right there. That's all for you.
Child: Am I getting notes of Beijing?
Ted: I bet you are, yeah.
Tommy: Yo! Can I get an ussie?
Roy: Fine.
Tommy: Not with you, mate. With Keeley. I mean, you're a legend at Chelsea but shit at Richmond. But Keeley Jones was a seminal figure throughout my teenage years.
Ted: How long have you been doing this?
Rebecca: For years, but then Rupert... You know, I should have done it last year, but I just sat by myself instead. Drinking and plotting horrible things.
Ted: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Rebecca: Look, I know all too well how stunningly shitty the first Christmas after you get divorced can be. I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Ted: Yeah, well, I am now, you know. A lot better than I would have been if I just drank whiskey all day and watched It's a Wonderful Life on repeat. That could have gone dark.
Ted: You're willing to miss a puppet show by Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz? 'Cause that sounds like a lot of fun.
Rebecca: Don't get me wrong, they are incredible. But all I really want to see those two do together is fu$k.
Higgins: To my lovely wife, Julie, my sons... To you and all your families back in Lagos, Guadalajara, Groningen, Cordon, Montreal, Benin City, Harare, Kingston... and Santa Cruz de la Sierra.
Ted: You new around here?
Nora: To planet Earth? No, I'm 13. But I'm also fairly certain this is my third life reincarnated.
Ted: Well, color me impressed... 'cause my third lap around this big blue marble I was nothing but a horsefly.
Nora: Oh, I've never seen a horse fly. Saw a horse pee once. That was a lot.
Ted: Yeah. Noisy too.
Ted: Hey, who's the new receptionist?
Sassy: That's Nora, my daughter.
Ted: Okay. Wait? Is she mine?
Sassy: Ted, we had sex like six months ago.
Ted: Right, right. Sorry. Yeah, bad math.
Sassy: And if memory serves, you finished on my...
Sassy: Just make sure one of those wishes is a spare tampon then, Miss Fairy Godmother. That girl is an errant cobblestone away from her first period.
Ted: Well, bibbidi-bobbidi-booyah. You know.
Rebecca: Did he talk like that when...
Sassy: The whole time and so eager to please. It was fabulous.
Ted: All right, Lloyd, why don't you go all Pat Benatar on me, yeah?
Lloyd: And hit you with my best shot?
Ted: Fire away.
Lloyd: You think this'll end your team's embarrassing streak of draws?
Ted: Oh, Lloyd, I've never been embarrassed about having streaks in my drawers. It's all part of growing up.
Ted: I believe that Jamie's on a path to becoming a better man and I'm just here to help him along that journey. You know, think of me as his own personal Mr. Miyagi. Except without all that extra yard work. Yeah.
Sam: Oh, God. I'm very nervous. But also very excited. That's similar to whenever Colin drives me somewhere in his Lamborghini.
Colin: Aye, it's true. It's way too much car for me.
Zoreaux: Keeley, what was the name again?
Keeley: Bantr. B-A-N-T-R.
Colin: Like Grindr.
Keeley: Yeah.
Ted: Okay, fellas. Got a big game this weekend. What are we looking at, Coach?
Coach Beard: Very physical.
Ted: Okay. All right. Anything else?
Coach Beard: Borderline violent.
Jamie: I know I wasn't the greatest teammate. I did some shitty things. I said some shitty things. But I want each and every one of you to know that I'm truly sorry and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make it up to ya. Yeah?
Colin: You called me a jaundiced worm.
Jamie: Right, yeah. And I'm sorry about that, Colin.
Colin: In a profile for my hometown paper.
Bumbercatch: You hit on my mum. In front of my dad.
Jamie: I apologize for that, Bumbercatch. Please tell your father I'm sorry. And give Janet me best, yeah?
Richard: (Speaking in French)
Zoreaux: He said that you cupped a fart and put it in his face... Sounds better in French.
Jamie: Yeah. I know. I do remember that and I'm sorry.
Ted: All right, fellas, I think we've all had enough of this amuse-bouche. Time to move on to the main course. Chef Beard, what's on the menu?
Coach Beard: 11 v 11. Let's go!
Rebecca: We could go and see a show tonight. What about The Mouse Trap? You know that Agatha Christie play where someone dies every performance? Usually in the audience. Seeing as only old people go and see it.
Nora: Why do all their dolls have to be tragically orphaned? Edith's parents died in the war. Emma's had scurvy.
Rebecca: Yes. The Americans really do the historical doll concept better, don't they? Must be their innate sense of triumph, however misguided.
Nora: Yeah, but no one does the orphans better than us Brits.
Nora: (referring to the doll) Right, so how'd her parents die? Factory fire? Eaten by rats?
Phoebe: No. Zoe's from the modern line. Her parents were canceled.
Rebecca: Keeley's got me on that silly dating app she's promoting.
Roy: The one with no pictures?
Rebecca: That's the one.
Roy: What? So now you just get a bunch of unsolicited descriptions of dicks?
Roy: Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It's bullshit. I didn't need a fu$king parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is they just wanna feel like they're part of our lives. Little idiots. Watch this... Phoebe. Do you wanna come to my podiatrist appointment later?
Phoebe: Yes, please!
Shannon: When are you guys gonna finally win a match?
Ted: Geez louise, Shannon. Not even Beard comes at me that strong this early, you know? We like to start off with a little small talk, you know? Like, I'll say, "Hey, what's the word, Larry Bird?" Then he'll say...
Shannon: "Don't call me Larry Bird and when are we gonna finally win a fu$king match?"
Ted: Yeah. Like that.
Nathan: So, I downloaded Bantr last night.
Ted: Attaboy.
Coach Beard: Looking for a lady, hey?
Nathan: Oh, God, no. No, I deleted it immediately.
Coach Beard: Jane and I took a big step forward in our relationship this weekend. We are now sharing an iCloud account. They call it digital intimacy.
Higgins: So if she found out that you downloaded a dating app...
Coach Beard: She would destroy my phone with pliers and a blowtorch. Yes.
Jamie: I had this dope idea last night during me eyebrow threading. I'm gonna buy the whole team PS5s. They'll fu$king love me.
Ted: Yeah, but, you know, some folks might also consider that buying affection, you know.
Jamie: Exactly. Yeah, what better thing to spend money on than love? Hey?
Ted: I think it's time for these young fellas to meet... That guy.
Coach Beard: No. No, no.
Ted: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Coach Beard: They don't need to meet that guy. They don't. Nobody does.
Ted: Don't worry, Coach. It's gonna be great. All right. I'll see you in a little bit.
Nathan: Who's "that guy"?
Coach Beard: Led Tasso.
Nathan: Who's Led Tasso?
Coach Beard: The last resort.
Sam: Well, it has come to my attention that Dubai Air's parent company, Cerithium Oil, is destroying Nigeria's environment. And at the same time bribing government officials to look the other way. I can't be the face of one of their subsidiaries.
Nora: Hell, yeah.
Led Tasso: Now start touching your toes! Touch your toes! Those are your feet fingers. Let's go, dummies. Touch your toes. And touch each other's toes!
Team: What?
Led Tasso: You heard me! Touch each other's toes! I don't wanna hear it. Hands on toes. Someone else's toes besides your own.
Colin: What muscle is this working?
Led Tasso: Don't worry about it. The only muscle I don't wanna see working right now is your mouth, Colin.
Led Tasso: What, you wanna make this ball your girlfriend? You gonna start taking it to places under your arm? Having people compliment how y'all look together? And then what? You start caressing it and playing with, like, the little air hole nub? Yeah? Messing around with that? Making out with it. Making it your girlfriend. Is that what you wanna do? hen when? You ask it to marry you? Y'all wanna be married to a ball?
Led Tasso: I hope y'all drank a lot of water today 'cause y'all are gonna be so dehydrated, that you're gonna look like one of them trees from a Tim Burton movie. I'm talking any Tim Burton movie! Even Dumbo! Even freaking Dumbo.
Led Tasso: I haven't seen a pass that soft since my high school drama teacher asked me to mow his lawn.
Sharon: Well, that was interesting.
Ted: Thank you, Doc. Yeah, little something we came up with back in Kansas. See, what we're doing is...
Sharon: You pretend to be an asshole. So the team make you their common enemy and not Jamie.
Ted: Yeah. Spot on.
Coach Beard: Oh, yeah. Got it right away.
Coach Beard: Maybe they don't have Chuck E. Cheese here.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Y'all might call it something different here. Like Charles Edgar Cheeserton III or something, right?
Coach Beard: He's a mouse but he's also a musician.
Ted: And he loves video games and pizza.
Nora: Hey, dick hole.
Rebecca: (types) "Dear Richard Cole."
Nora: You creepy old pedo.
Rebecca: (types) "My old friend."
Nora: Sam isn't going anywhere, asshole.
Rebecca: (types) "I have decided not to release Sam Obisanya."
Nora: You're a shitty old man with a tiny, shriveled penis. I feel sorry for your wife. Her life must be a constant hell.
Rebecca: (types) "Please give Daphne my love."
Nora: Sincerely, boss ass bitch.
Rebecca: (types) "Sincerely, boss ass bitch."
Roy: Jamie Tartt is a muppet. And I hope he dies of the incurable condition of being a little bitch.
Sam: Dubai Air is owned by a horrible company. One that has turned the southern coast of Nigeria, my home, into a hellish, fiery swamp. I can no longer wear their name on my chest. Never again.
Issac: Give me the tape, bruv.
Arlo: The story everyone is talking about is the return of Jamie Tartt. Chris, will the Richmond faithful welcome him back?
Chris: Tough to say, Arlo. Supporters are a notoriously fickle bunch...
(Cut to fans at the local bar)
Fans: (chanting) Jamie Tartt, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah, Jamie Tartt, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah, Jamie Tartt...
Ted: How are you feeling?
Sam: Good. I think. I just hope the rest of the team is not upset with me.
Ted: Hey, doing the right thing is never the wrong thing.
Host: The audience at home has voted. Danthony, Jamie. One of you will go home tonight. The other will continue his lustful journey.
Jamie: Better call your nan, mate. Tell her to put the kettle on.
Phillip: We are lucky to have with us, here in the studio, loser, Jamie.
Jamie: Easy, Phillip. I'm not just a loser, I'm the loser.
Holly: Well, Jamie, look, first things first, will you keep your promise to Amy? Are you gonna wait for her?
Jamie: Nah, no. I was just playing a game, do you know what I mean? Find the fittest girl there, have sex with her in the toilet, ask her to marry ya. Strategy.
Jamie: The second that I found out that George Harrison had died, I realized that I had to stop waiting for life to begin. Start taking chances. Living life to the fullest.
Holly: But George Harrison died 20 years ago.
Jamie: Yeah, but I only just found out.
Phillip: So what's next for Jamie Tartt?
Jamie: Don't know. Back to Man City. If Pep will have me, that is.
Holly: It's funny you mention that 'cause we've got a clip. You might find this quite interesting.
(cut to clip)
Reporter: Any thoughts on Jamie Tartt and his future with Manchester City?
Vinai Ahuja: Yes, Jamie. You know, my wife and I thought he and Amy were meant for each other. But no, he won't be coming back to Man City. We wish him luck.
Coach Beard: Jane and I got in a fight last night, and she threw my keys in the river.
Ted: Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know? Or Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. Or Frank and... Actually, you know what? I'm starting to realize that Ol' Blue Eyes might've skewed mercurial.
Nathan: We don't want calm athletes. We want killer athletes.
Coach Beard: Even after they shower?
Nathan: Did you sleep here?
Coach Beard: "Perchance to dream here."
Roy: I'm going to get the girls to run a 4-4-2 diamond formation 'cause that little Kokoruda girl is a fu#king beast in defense. Then I was going to cook you cordon bleu for dinner. Nigella says if you butterfly the chicken, it'll be more moist.
Keeley: I don't know what does it for me more, you mentioning Nigella or using the word "moist."
(They spot Ted riding on the back of a mower)
Keeley: What is Ted doing?
Roy: He's probably homesick. Closest thing he can find to a Dodge Ram.
Ted: (When he is suprised to see Sharon arriving for work) What's she doing back here, I wonder? Don't we have direct deposit?
Ted: Hey, Higgins. Did you hire Dr. Sharon without running it by me first?
Higgins: Yes. I thought it couldn't hurt. But I should've asked you first, Ted. You're absolutely right.
Ted: No, I'm dead wrong. I mean, heck, you're Director of Football Operations. You gotta be able to make your own decisions. Still, you should've texted me first.
Higgins: That's 100% true.
Ted: No, 1,000% false! I mean, you're a busy man! Whatever path you think is best is gonna be best! Still, next time you have plans, I want you to run 'em by me first. Okay?
Higgins: No, I will not.
Ted: Good! Why should you? I ain't your daddy.
Jamie: What you mean no one wants me? I'm Jamie fu%king Tartt.
Manager: You're too much of a liability. You act like an asshole and disappear on Man City. Then you act like an asshole and cheat on Amy with Denise by having Jacuzzi sex. No one wants you.
Jamie: What about a team in Spain or Germany?
Manager: (picks up the phone) Hello, Real Madrid? Do you want Jamie Tartt? No. Okay, thank you. See?
Jamie: You weren't even speaking Spanish.
Tracy: Maybe it's time for you to focus on your television career.
Manager: This is Tracey, your new talent agent.
Tracy: You have an amazing offer for a new reality show in Ibiza. How do you feel about taking ecstasy every night for three straight weeks?
Jamie: You gotta help me, man.
Manager: Jamie, you know you're like a son to me. Now you're like a dead son, which means I love you even more.
Sharon: That's very thoughtful, Coach Lasso. But I don't eat sugar.
Ted: Really? Wow. I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar. Only heard about 'em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.
Rebecca: Is it tacky to say I'm rich on an online dating profile?
Keeley: Only if you put the word "filthy" in front of it.
Ted: You ever been to a therapist, Rebecca?
Rebecca: What for? I can diagnose myself in a heartbeat. I thought being invulnerable would protect me, so I pushed people away for years, leading me directly to my greatest fear... Being alone. Big whoop.
Roy: (Speaking to his young girl football team) You all played a hell of a game. But you lost. I want you to remember this feeling. Burn this moment into your brains.
(The girls smile back)
Roy: Good.
Phoebe: Is it time for trophies, Uncle Roy?
Roy: Yeah, yeah.
Ms. Bowen: Emily's mom bought everyone consolation trophies.
Roy: Must be nice to just burn cash. "Best dressed"? That's stupid. You're all wearing the same thing.
Roy: Look, when I was young, you got shouted at for losing.
Ms Bowen: Same. But then, tough love never bothered me. As long as I knew the coach gave a shit.
Roy: (to the team) Oy! It has been an honor coaching all of you. I do hope you'll come back and play next year. But only if you fu*king mean it!
(The girls giggle)
Roy: Well, we lost. Would have been closer, but one of the goals got disallowed because apparently nine-year-olds aren't allowed to do headers yet. Fu$king brain development.
Roy: Babe, come on. Don't be embarrassed. Whatever it is, it's fine. I like watching couples have sex in the woods.
Keeley: You do? Why?
Roy: 'Cause I could never be that free.
Roy: Fine. I will try it once. But when it sucks and I hate it, I'm gonna hire a bunch of children to follow you around and scream, "Told you so, told you so" for centuries.
Keeley: I look forward to the attention.
Jamie: I named him Ted. After Ted Danson.
Ted: All-time great. You know, from Cheers to Curb to The Good Place. What a career. I mean, he's basically the male version of Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Jamie: Who's like the female version of Dave Grohl.
Ted: Yeah. All three of them got that Midas touch, don't they?
Ted: That's a real roller coaster there. Glad I was tall enough to join you on that ride.
Jamie: Mae, would you be a darling and ask those lads at the end of the bar to stop staring at me, please?
Mae: (to the three bar flys) Oy, you three, fu$k off.
Ted: I've noticed that sometimes having a tough dad is exactly what drives certain fellas to become great at what they do. You know, I hear Bono's father was a real piece of work. But then again, so was Joshua Tree, so you know?
Coach Beard: Somebody order training extra spicy today?
Ted: Yeah, it's got that Nando's peri-peri sauce on it, huh?
Ted: How come every time I look back there it's like she's getting closer and closer?
Coach Beard: Optical illusion induced by your mistrust of her profession?
Ted: Metaphor, huh?
Coach Beard: Bingo, Ringo.
Ted: Hey, Sam! Hold up! Hey! Look, baby, when you make that pass, you gotta put some grass under it. Make Dani chase it down like it's a loose toddler in a busy parking lot.
Ted: There ain't nothing going on out here on this field that I can do better than any of y'all. Unless you break into a game of "finish that Jimmy Buffett lyric." Then I'll be changing your latitudes and attitudes left, right and center.
Coach Beard: I guess Sam doesn't like Jimmy Buffett.
Nathan: Who's Jimmy Buffett?
Coach Beard: Really?
Ted: People say cuss words when they don't know the right ones to use to express themselves. Except Bernie Mac. He uses them like van Gogh uses yellow. You know, effectively.
Ted: There's a bunch of crazy stuff on Twitter. Heck, someone made an account for my mustache.
Sam: Did everybody see me when I stomped off...
Ted: No, no one saw that... ... Yeah, man! Everyone saw that. Come on. Of course they did.
Roy: (to the television make-up artist) What are you doing?
Woman: Sorry. What do you usually do with your lashes?
Roy: I leave them the fu&k alone.
Roy: Jamie Carragher sent me flowers. We fu@king despised each other when we played, now he's sending me flowers. How the fu*k does he know I love white orchids?
Roy: (on the phone) What if everyone thinks I'm shit?
Keeley: Since when do you care what people think? You're Roy fu%king Kent.
Producer: (interrupting) Ready for Mr. Kent.
Roy: I gotta go. Thank you.
Keeley: Kill 'em. Roy-o!
Jeff Stelling: Roy Kent, ex-Chelsea legend joins us. Welcome, Roy.
(Roy grunts)
Jeff: Right, what did you think? Did your former club play well?
Roy: No. I thought they played like shit.
Jeff: Our apologies to the viewing audience. Roy Kent with some salty language. Would you care to elaborate, Roy?
Roy: All right. Chelsea was shit today. They were shocking. Watching them, you'd never know they were playing at home. They were too timid. They were too respectful of United. They were lucky they didn't lose by three or four or ten.
Chris Kamara: That's harsh, Roy. United's been on a good run recently.
Roy: Who gives a shit, Chris? That's no excuse to play like you're afraid of 'em. You could see it in their faces: Abject terror. Like children waiting in line for the handsy Father Christmas. Have some fu*king pride in your shirt or don't fu*king wear it.
Ted: Higgins, as a founding member of the Diamond Dogs, it breaks our little bowwow hearts to see you wandering around this building. A man without a desk. So we'd like to ask you to move in with us down here with my man, Nate.
Ted: Isn't the idea of "never give up" one of them things we always talk about in sports? And shouldn't that apply to people too?
Coach Beard: Pro, he's a great player. Con, he's a poop in the punch bowl.
Ted: Most of my conspiracies revolve around the Freemasons on account of a couple different Disney cartoons I watched a bunch as a kid.
Ted: Reading that email will be like listening to a cover tune of your thoughts. Rather hear this tune for the first time from the original artist.
Sharon: Heavy is the head that wears the visor, Coach Lasso. You must have a lot on your mind.
Sharon: Prince of Tides.
Ted: Is that your nickname for me now?
Sharon: No, Coach Lasso. My favorite book.
Arlo: Richmond has started the season with seven straight ties... and if this match ends in a draw, they will tie the record, which is currently a tie between Southampton and Swansea.
Arlo: Chris, can you even imagine starting a season with seven consecutive draws?
Chris: I sure can, Arlo. And that's because I'm a right-brained dominant with a knack for make-believe.
Nathan: Is it okay if I pray?
Ted: Yeah, of course. But to which god and in what language, you know?
Coach Beard: You could cross your fingers, make a wish.
Ted: There you go.
Arlo: A hush falls over Nelson Road... With the exception of Richmond's venerable mascot, Earl Greyhound, howling his encouragement. Will Dani Rojas deliver the good boy their first win of the season?
Dani: Please, please, please, please. Come on, Dani. Football is life.
(Dani kicks the ball and kills the team mascot)
Nathan: Oh, no. Oh, my God. I promise that's not what I wished for.
Rebecca: That poor creature. It's so tragic.
Higgins: Awful turn of events.
Rebecca: You don't think that people will hate us because of it, do you?
Higgins: Well, it was obviously a horrible accident, but I guess that one perk of being in a lower division now is that not every game is televised.
Rebecca: Yes, but, Higgins, the Internet.
Keeley: Twitter is going bonkers. Look.
Rebecca: Oh, God. Did we really make Michael Jordan cry?
Rebecca: Did you write a statement for Ted?
Keeley: Yeah, I did. But then he said, "Now, don't you fret, Boba Fett." He's got it covered.
Marcus: How many more matches you think can end in a draw before you hit the panic button?
Ted: Well, Marcus, there's two buttons I never like to hit, all right? And that's "panic" and "snooze."
Ted: When I was three years old, I got attacked by our neighbor's dog. I-I don't remember it happening, but my mother said it was pretty-- pretty scary, you know. I do remember being afraid of dogs while growing up though. Like if I was at a friend's house for a sleepover or something, they'd have to keep their family dog outside, otherwise I'd bawl my eyes out. Then in high school, our neighbor, Mr. Grady, well, his wife passed away. And he was real sad about that, as you can imagine, and he just kinda stopped taking care of their dog. Same one that bit me. His name was Hank. And so I started looking after him, you know. Feeding him, taking him on walks, playing fetch, all that fun stuff. Eventually, Mr. Grady's son moved his dad into a nursing home, and he asked if I wanted to keep Hank, and I was like, "Yeah. Heck, yeah." And then a year or so after that we had to put Hank to sleep. It's funny to think about the things in your life... that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they're now gone. I think those things come into our lives... to help us get from one place to a better one. And I hope we helped Earl do just that. We gonna miss him around here a whole bunch.
Ted: Hey, Dani. What ya doing?
Dani: (In the shower) Washing the death off of me.
Ted: Well, I-- I recommend you use a little soap. Helps get the eternal rest out of those tough-to-reach places, you know.
Ted: Let's go ahead and give Dani a little bit of space right now, yeah? Y'all don't mind showering at home, do ya?
Sam: Coach, if it's okay with you, some of us prefer to take long baths at home.
Jan: Goldfish?
Colin: Oh, it means to forget our mistakes and failures and just move on.
Jan: But I didn't make any mistakes. Only you played poorly.
Sam: Hey, guys, Jan Maas is not being rude. He's just being Dutch.
Ted: I'm telling you, all these ties are my fault. It's straight up celestial payback for the Man City game. There I was wishing and hoping for a freaking tie, and now the karma police are making good on showing me what I get when I mess with them.
Ted: Back home, if a team was playing poorly, we don't call 'em unlucky. What do we call 'em, Coach?
Coach Beard: New York Jets.
Nathan: You gotta stay on 'em. Pressure makes pearls, right? Wait, that's wrong. It's diamonds-- Shit! I messed it up.
Higgins: We just received a giant food delivery from our rivals over at Brentford F.C.
Keeley: That's nice. What kind of food?
Higgins: Thai... Oh, now I get it.
Rebecca: What do you say to a cocktail, Coach Lasso?
Ted: Oh, the same thing I'd say to Diane Sawyer if she ever asked me out on a date: "Yes, please."
Keeley: How you feeling?
Ted: Well, Keeley, I feel like a bigger loser than the biggest loser from The Biggest Loser.
Higgins: How's Dani doing?
Ted: Oh, he's a little shell-shocked, but Dani's a lot like an expensive tape measure. He snaps back real quick.
Higgins: I should go. I promised the boys we'd watch Empire Strikes Back tonight, and I have to get my thoughts together for when they ask about Luke and Leia making out.
Ted: (about Roy) He knows he's always got a ticket waiting for him at will call?
Keeley: Yeah.
Ted: And don't forget, I don't put it under his name. I don't want folks messing with him. It's under an alias. Like, last week it was Loretta Lynn, this week was Dolly Parton, and next week is, if I remember correctly, Shania Twain.
Roy: (to his 8-year old girls football team) You listen to me! You play like that next week, you can kiss the trophy goodbye, 'cause today, you all played like a bunch of little pricks! You hear me?
Team: Yes, Coach!
Roy: Except for Kokoruda. Way to put your body on the line out there.
Litle Girl: You know it, Coach.
Roy: All right, Monika's mum brought orange slices. Don't eat the peels, you animals. Off you go.
Keeley: Phoebe, how was the match today?
Phoebe: Outstanding. I got a red card for elbowing a girl in her neck.
Roy: And I'm very proud.
Roy: I see friends all the time.
Keeley: I know. You got your yoga mums. Don't you ever want anything more than sitting in child's pose, getting buzzed on rose, and gossiping about reality TV with a bunch of women that know nothing about you?
Roy: No, I love it.
Roy: I don't wanna be a fu#king football pundit, sat on fu%king telly in a dumb fu%king suit like a know-it-all twat. It's a shit job for shit people. I'd rather shit out my own fu^king mouth than do that fu$king shit.
Keeley: Got it.
Ted: I haven't seen someone that disappointed to see me since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser.
Rebecca: So this chap I've been seeing... John.
Ted: (excited) Stamos?
Rebecca: No, his name's John Wingsnight... but that's not the point.
Ted: Now hold on a second. His name's John Wingsnight? Like at a sports bar? Like, "Monday night's wings night down at PJ Flatts," like that?
Rebecca: Ted, would you please stop?
Ted: Rule number one: Even though it's called "girl talk," sometimes it needs to be more like, "Girl, listen."
Coach Beard: We got a situation, Coach.
Nathan: He's underselling. We have a Shakespearean fu$king tragedy.
Ted: Dani, what happened between you and Earl, that wasn't your fault, you know. You suffered an unlikely and tragic coincidence. Not too dissimilar from those seen throughout Paul Thomas Anderson's 1999 opus, Magnolia.
Dani: Is that Tom Cruise with a little, tiny ponytail?
Ted: No, Dani. I think you're thinking about The Last Samurai.
Coach Beard: He's got a little, tiny ponytail in Magnolia too, Coach.
Ted: Oh, thank you, Coach. My apologies, Dani. Tom Cruise was rocking a little, tiny ponytail in both those films.
Ted: Hey, fellas! Line up for Midnight Poutine!
Ted: Well, fellas, I am more stumped than Paul Bunyan's local forest.
Nathan: If Dani needs motivation, we could always just show him his goddamn paycheck.
Ted: I mean, that's a tad aggressive, you know. But hey, I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm, so I appreciate you getting the ball rolling, Nate.
Coach Beard: I think we already know what it is, don't we, Coach?
Ted: What you talking about, Willis?
Coach Beard: (holds up a clipboard with "The Yips" written on it)
Ted: Hey, you're not supposed to say that out loud.
Coach Beard: Which is why I wrote it down.
Ted: We don't say the Y-word out loud, you understand? It's like saying Macbeth in a theater, or Voldemort at Hogwarts, or...
Coach Beard: Soccer in England.
Nathan: What are the yips?
Coach Beard: It's when, just out of nowhere, an athlete suddenly can't do the basic fundamentals of their sport.
Ted: Yeah, you know, like Chuck Knoblauch's throw to first, or Charles Barkley's golf swing. You guys know what I mean... (no response)... Sometimes being here is like living in a foreign country.
Higgins: Ted, what are your thoughts on therapy?
Ted: General apprehension and a modest Midwestern skepticism. Why do you ask?
John: And now, we're nose-to-nose with one another, and half of me is thinking, "Just kick this jerk in the balls and when he bends over, give him a knee to the nose and be done with it, 'cause screw this guy." And the other half of me is thinking, "But it's Martin Short. You love Martin Short." Well, the next thing you know, this tiny American woman says, "Is that it?" And sure enough, there it was, wedged between the couch cushions, Martin Short's wallet.
Rebecca: Martin Short's wallet. I mean, he didn't steal it.
Roy: We got a cup final next week.
John: In October... W-What cup's that?
Roy: West London under-nine girls.
John: Can I just say that your retirement speech was amazing. It's the first time my father's forwarded me an e-mail in the last five years that wasn't about the scourge of immigration. And that really meant a lot to me, so thank you.
Roy: Cheers.
Mae: Shame what happened to Earl. Him and his owner, Nigel, used to come in here all the time, till he started shitting and pissing all over the place.
Ted: Yeah. Nah, that's pretty common with older dogs.
Mae: No, I'm talking about Nigel.
Ted: Hey, Coach, can I get real a second? Forget my meal a second?
Coach Beard: Put down your beer and tell your buddy how you feel a second?
Ted: I'm all for whatever it takes to help Dani get back to being a hundred. But this whole idea of bringing in someone from the outside to help us get him there, I don't know, it just kinda puts a little knot in my belly. I'm not sure why.
Coach Beard: Sounds like it might be your favorite Gin Blossoms song.
Ted: "Follow You Down"?
Coach Beard: No, "Hey Jealousy."
Ted: No, "Hey Jealousy" is their best song. My favorite song of theirs is "Follow You Down." You don't know that story?
Coach Beard: Uuhhhh...
Coach Beard: Do you remember what you said when I got dumped by that cruise ship dancer and swore I would never date another dancer again?
Ted: "Can I have your tap shoes?"
Coach Beard: "All people are different people."
Ted: I said that? That's pretty good.
Coach Beard: Yeah.
Ted: You went out with another dancer though?
Coach beard: Many. Too many.
Roy: Most people are fine. But it's not about him. It's about why the fu$k you think he deserves you. You deserve someone who makes you feel like you've been struck by lightning. Don't you dare settle for fine. Not that it's any of my business.
Sharon: Oh, you don't need to stand.
Ted: But it makes it a lot easier to do this. (singing and twirling) It's nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you. Consider this song our way to greet you. Hey!
Ted: Dani, this is Dr. Sharon Fieldstone.
Sharon: Nice to meet you, Dani. How you feeling?
Dani: Like a murderer.
John: And remember, this is when tickets to Stomp were tough to get. Anyway, this tall redhead pushes in front of me, so I tap him on the shoulder, he turns around and goes, "Is there a problem?" I go, "Yeah, there's a problem." He goes, "It's all right. It's all right. I know the choreographer." Guess who it was?
Ted: Hey, they got a whole bunch of new emojis on here. You see this?
Coach Beard: Do you remember when they added Groucho but no Harpo? It's bullshit.
Dani: Dr. Sharon helped me remember that even though football is life, football is also death. And that football is football too. But mostly that football is life!
Ted: Yeah.
Ted: Nathan Shelley, I present to you this whistle. But it is sad. Do you know why?
Nathan: No.
Ted: Because it has never been blown.
Nathan: Is that the same reason why Colin's sad?
Coach Beard: It got confusing, 'cause they don't call it jock itch here.
Ted: So you didn't know what spray to buy?
Coach Beard: Yeah.
Ted: Yeah. What'd you go with?
Coach Beard: Mr. Muscle?
Roy: Not sure if you know this, but the rules say you gotta pick a new captain.
Ted: No, sir. You're my captain. That's the rule.
Roy: No. The captain has to be on the pitch. That's the rule.
Ted: I say that the current captain has to pick the new captain. That's my new rule.
Roy: Don't want to.
Ted: Well, you have to.
Roy: I decline.
Ted: I insist.
Roy: Can't make me.
Ted: Roy Kent, until you choose your successor, your duties as captain of this squad remain unfulfilled.
Roy: This is why it's hard to love you.(Roy leaves)
Ted: You heard it, right?
Coach Beard: He loves you.
Colin: We got relegated when I was at Cardiff. It's my family's team. My nana never spoke to me after that. She just left me a box of her shit in her will.
Sam: Coach, do they not have relegation in America?
Ted: Oh, no, no, no.
Isaac: So what happens to all the shit teams at the end of the season?
Ted: They play out the rest of the schedule, going through the motions in meaningless games contested in lifeless, half-empty stadiums, and everyone's pretty much fine with that. That sound about right, Coach?
Coach Beard: Yeah, it's dumb.
Jamie Tartt: Well, I'd never say a bad word about me old club... even though I did carry them through every match. But they're good lads. Apart from Roy Kent. He is a knob. You know, and it's nice to have a real manager like Pep, instead of that American rodeo clown. You know, Lasso sent me away, now they're facing the drop. Sunday, I get to put the final nail in the ashes. Instant karma, it's gonna get ya.
Ted: Okay, so if the Premier League is the best, then what's the league called right below it?
Coach Beard: The Championship.
Ted: Now, hold on one second. So if you come in last place in the Premier League, you get to play in the Championship?
Coach Beard: They also invented irony.
Ted: You're acting like we lost the game already, yeah? Why don't you have a little hope?
Mae: Aw, Ted. Haven't you lived here long enough to realize? It's the hope that kills you.
Nathan: There is a scenario where Crystal Palace beat Norwich by six goals, and we avoid relegation with just a tie.
Ted: No, no, no. Nope. Sorry. No. I hate ties, Nate. How many times I gotta tell you that? They ain't natural, all right? If God wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn't have invented numbers, all right?
Coach Beard: Quick question. Are those the only clothes you own?
Nathan: This? No, I got three of these.
Ted: Well, hello, Nelson. Let me introduce you to another Nelson right here. I think you two will hit it off just fine, 'cause you're both so damn pessimistic!
Coach Beard: I believe the gentleman is suggesting that we are a pair of Negative Nellies.
Rebecca: There's a great saying in Dutch football.
Ted: Oh, I don't speak Dutch.
Rebecca: That's why I was going to tell you in English.
Ted: Perfect. Lay it on me.
Rebecca: "Every disadvantage has its advantage."
Ted: Ooh, I like that.
Rebecca: Sure, you don't know what you're doing, but doesn't that mean that you see the game in a different way than any other football manager? And shouldn't that empower you to cause complete and utter confusion?
Ted: Cause confusion or create chaos. Yep. Yes, it is. Thanks, boss.
(Quickly runs out of the office and hits his head on the top of the door)
Ted: I'm fine. The chaos has already begun.
Ted: Today's lesson is "trick plays." At least, that's what we call 'em back home. What do they call 'em here again?
Coach Beard: Elaborate set pieces.
Ted: Yeah, we gonna stick with "trick plays." That's a lot more fun. Now, the idea behind every trick play is to have chaos rain down upon your opponents and stun them. Much like the lava did to those poor folks in Pompeii. So, I want y'all to think about every single trick play you have ever run your entire time playing this sport. Anybody got one? Yeah, Dani, what you got?
Dani: When I played for Tigres, we had a great set piece.
Ted: Did it have a name?
Dani: "The Sandman."
Ted: Yeah. Now we're cooking. "The Sandman." We're gonna learn that play today. Who else got one?
Sam: "Pepper Shakers."
Ted: "Pepper Shakers"? Yeah, plural. Gotta be two.
Colin: "Beckham's Todger."
Ted: Beckham, I know. Todger, I don't know.
Coach Beard: It's dirty.
Zoreaux: "Midnight Poutine."
Ted: Poutine?
Coach Beard: That's not dirty. It's just super Canadian.
Player: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Ted: Oh, with Dick Van Dyke. The owner of one of the most authentic English accents in the history of cinema. What do you got?
Player: "The Broken Tap."
Ted: All right. That's not a complaint, that's an actual play name?
Player: Think Man City will leak a lot of goals from it.
All Players: Whooaa!
Ted: Oh. Nice. Yeah?
Another Player: "Loki's Toboggan."
Another Player: "The Upside-Down Taxi."
Another Player: "Hadrian's Wall."
Another Player: "Dirty Martini."
Ted: Oh, I'd love to run that play three times right now. I love it. Do me a favor and toss "Lasso Special" up there just for the heck of it too.
Jamie: Look, Keeley. When you're done feeding mushy peas to this old fart, then you give me a call. Look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Enjoy the view from the bench.
Keeley: What?
Roy: Well, now I want mushy peas.
Announcer: The Richmond faithful gather on a crucial night. Win and they stay up. Lose and they go down. They come here full of hope, but as they know all too well, it's the hope that kills you.
Keeley: I have a confession to make. I've never really cared about football. I know. I know it sounds insane, but I know how to act at a match. (yelling) "Referee! Offside, you turnip!"
Ted: So I've been hearing this phrase y'all got over here that I ain't too crazy about. "It's the hope that kills you." Y'all know that? I disagree, you know? I think it's the lack of hope that comes and gets you. See, I believe in hope. I believe in belief. Now, where I'm from, we got a saying too, yeah? A question, actually. "Do you believe in miracles?" Now, I don't need y'all to answer that question for me... but I do want you to answer that question for yourselves. Right now. Do you believe in miracles? And if you do... then I want y'all to circle up with me right now. Come on. Let's go.
(Players cheer and get in a circle)
Nathan: Is that miracle thing from a movie or real life?
Coach Beard: Both.
Announcer: Obisanya with an inch-perfect through ball. Winchester was clearly offside.
Ted: Come on, now! Explain to me how that's offside.... No, I'm serious. How is that offside? I don't understand that yet.
Announcer: Here comes Lasso's assistant coach to review their tactics. What chess moves do they have in store?
Coach Beard: When the vinegar was next to the Heineken, they weren't offside. It's not when the vinegar catches the ball, it's when ketchup passes the ball.
Ted: Yes, I understand now.
Ted: I don't want to hear about any other game going on any other place. Okay? Look, we are not playing for a tie. Ain't nobody here gonna kiss their sister.
Zoreaux: What?
Ted: Which is an American phrase that I'm now realizing does not exist here, and that's good, 'cause it's creepy, and I hate it myself, I don't know why I said it. I think it's just the adrenaline, the nerves and all that. But we are playing for a win. Win and in. You hear?
Richmond Fans: Roy Kent! He's here, he's there, he's every-fu#king-where. Roy Kent! Roy Kent!
Ted: What the heck is going on...
Nathan: That's the sound of 26,000 people checking mobiles. Oh, my God. Palace won 6-0.
Ted: But then that means... All we need is a tie. We just need a tie, boys!
Ted: Hey. Y'all played a heck of a game out there. We may not have won, but y'all definitely succeeded. I mean, you gave the champs 90 minutes of hell. Zoreaux, where you at? That dude had more saves than a Baptist preacher. Give it up for Zoreaux. Yeah. (applause) That's right. What about Roy? Roy chased down his grandson. Stopped him from getting an easy one.
Ted: I want you to be grateful that you're going through this sad moment with all these other folks. Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad. Ain't nobody in this room alone.
Ted: Sam, do you remember what animal has the shortest memory?
Sam: A goldfish.
Ted: That's right. It's a goldfish. Sam, what do you think we should all do once we get done being sad and/or angry about this situation?
Sam: I think we should all be a goldfish.
Ted: I agree. Let's be sad now. Let's be sad together. And then we can be a gosh-darn goldfish. Onward. Forward.
Rebecca: Thank you, Leslie.
Ted: Leslie? Is that your first name?
Higgins: It was my mother's name. I'm what's known as a feminine junior.
Ted: The teams that get relegated, they can get un-relegated, yeah?
Rebecca: They can get promoted.
Ted: So then, next year we get ourselves a promotion, which looks good on any resume. Then we come back to this league and... we do something that no one believes we could ever do. Win the whole fu&king thing.
Ted: You get nervous doing this kind of stuff?
Rebecca: It's a profile on women in football. It's not a big deal. There's, like, four of us: me, Karen, Delia and Posh Spice.
Ted: Oh, come on, now. Being a role model's a huge deal. Don't you realize that there's probably a little girl out there somewhere rocking a tiny eggplant-colored power suit, and she's just dreaming about becoming a sports executive someday.
Ted: Hey, did those marketing folks from Tom Ford ever get back to you?
Keeley: Yeah, they did. They said they're gonna stick with the models they already have.
Ted: Aw, nuts.
Keeley: I know. But they did say that if they ever do an everyman campaign or something satirical, your name's on their list.
Rebecca: (referring to the equipment room) My God, it smells of feet in here. I mean, it just... it just hits you immediately, doesn't it? It's hot. Like feet funk, right up your nose. Can you smell it?
Rebecca: Imagine doing something unforgivable to someone who doesn't deserve it and then having to look them in the eye and tell them what you've done.
Keeley: I don't have to imagine. I've done it. Year Eight, I took a shit in Joanna Wellington's locker. I apologized, I was uninvited to her birthday party, and then we patched it up a week later. Just fu$king tell him.
Rebecca: Sorry, why did you do a shit in her locker?
Keeley: I don't know. I was 13. What? Teenage girls are, like, mysterious and dark and dangerous.
Nathan: (Walks in on Rebecca and Keeley in the equipment room) Sorry. Um, wow. I know women like shoes, but, girls, come on, this is silly. (laughs nervously) Sorry, that was really sexist. Um, I just wasn't expecting there to be anyone in here. Um, but you are in here, and that's great. Take as long as you need.
Trent: Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Ted: Ah, yes. That's the one. Okay. What's your question, Trent?
Trent: Many of your young players have improved during your tenure. Then there's Roy Kent. He played dismally last match. Thoughts?
Ted: Well, I think you could ask Roy himself. He'd tell you it wasn't his best day. But I'll let you know right now that Roy Kent is the backbone of this team.
Ted: All right, let's mix it up in here a little. If you're an introvert, I want y'all to raise your hand. You guys get the next few questions. (several reporters raise hands) Ah! That was a trick! If y'all were really introverts, you would've been quiet as a church mouse. Unless that church was Westboro Baptist. Those turkeys won't shut up.
Ted: Hi, guys. What's up?
Coach Beard: Please have a seat.
Ted: Okay. I feel like y'all are about to do some improv comedy or tell me that you're dating each other. Either one's cool with me. 'Cause your suggestion is ally.
Coach Beard: We have to take Roy out of the starting lineup.
Ted: I see. Okay.
Coach Beard: It wasn't just one bad game, Coach.
Nathan: He's showing his age, and he's made significant mistakes in each of the last five matches. We just haven't been bitten in the ass by them yet.
Coach Beard: But yesterday our butts had teeth marks. Deep ones. The kind you usually have to pay for.
Nathan: You paid someone to bite you?
Coach Beard: No, of course not.
Nathan: Oh, sorry. I...
Coach Beard: Been paid.
Rebecca: Right, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. I'm just gonna... get straight to the point. No faffing around, 'cause that's just annoying, and definitely no procrastinating. Procrast... Procrast... That's a good word, isn't it? Procrastinating. Pro... Procrastinating. Huh. I wonder what the etymology of that word is. Obviously, "pro," very good, but "crast"? Crast... I have no idea. Hey! Why don't we look it up?
Rebecca: (to Rupert) You're nearly 70, and you're having a baby? I mean, what are you, a character from the fu#king Bible? When your kid hits puberty, you'll be nothing but a pile of dust and a black Amex card.
Rebecca: I have something I need to tell you.
Ted: Mm. Deja vu.
Rebecca: I'm a fu*king bitch. Nope, that's new. Ted, I lied to you. I hired you because I wanted this team to lose. I wanted you to fail, and I sabotaged you every chance I've had. It was me who hired that photographer to take the photo of you and Keeley. I set up the interview with Trent Crimm, hoping that he would humiliate you. And I instigated the transfer of Jamie Tartt, even though you'd asked me not to. This club is all that Rupert has ever cared about, and I wanted to destroy it. To cause him as much pain and suffering as he has caused me. And I didn't care who I used or who I hurt. All you good people just trying to make a difference. (sobbing) Ted, I'm so sorry.
Ted: Mm.
Rebecca: If you want to quit or call the press, I'll completely understand.
Ted: I forgive you.
Rebecca: You... What? Why?
Ted: Divorce is hard. It doesn't matter if you're the one leaving or if... you're the one who got left. It makes folks do crazy things. Hell, I'm coaching soccer for heaven's sake. In London. (laughs) I mean, that's nuts. But this job you gave me has changed my life. It gave me the distance I needed to see what was really going on. Yeah, but you and me... We're okay.
Ted: All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain't warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.
Sam: Oh, food poisoning is no joke. One time, I was being sick, and at the same time, I was having diarrhea.
Ted: Mm. Yep. That'll happen. Anybody else wanna share?
Dani: To be able to do both those things at the same time? The body is a miracle.
Ted: Yeah. Good perspective. I appreciate that.
Ted: So, fellas, we all know speed is important. But being able to stop and change directions quickly? Well, that's like Kanye's 808s & Heartbreak. It don't get nearly enough credit.
Ted: (to Coach Beard) All right. I see what's going on here. This is about Roy, ain't it? So you gonna give me the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. That's a combo. Does it come with a medium drink?
Ted: Oh. I saw this video online of a, um, a kitten and a little baby chicken becoming friends and just hanging out together. It was... Well, here, let me show it to you. I got it right here.
Roy: What's this about?
Ted: It's funny, 'cause whenever my mom has something tough to talk about with me, she'll, um... you know, she'll start it off saying something about, I don't know, something weird, something overtly nice. And, uh, yeah, I just thought the idea of a cat and a bird being all simpatico was nice. Look, Roy, we've been talking about the starting lineup against Man City...
Roy: Don't you dare. You're not fu#king benching me.
Rebecca: There are a lot of surprises happening here. Like that tiny little beard.
Higgins: It's called a Van Dyke after the 17th century Flemish painter.
Rebecca: Oh. Right.
Higgins: And I think it makes me look how I feel. Chill.
Rebecca: How does Mrs. Higgins feel about it?
Higgins: She hates it with a white-hot intensity.
Rebecca: Right. Look... I came clean to Ted. I told him everything.
Higgins: Oh. How did that go?
Rebecca: You know what the little shit did? He forgave me.
Keeley: I do kind of think kids are pretty incredible. I mean, she's got new teeth that push out her old teeth. The body is a miracle.
Roy: Roy Kent has been the best player on every team he's been on since he was a kid. I like being Roy Kent. I don't know if I can handle just being some loser has-been called Roy. "All right, Roy?" Yeah. "What you been up to?" Fu*k all.
Keeley: God. I think men who feel sorry for themselves are so sexy.
Roy: Stop it.
Keeley: No, seriously. I do. And if you start telling me how hard it is playing a game for a living, I think I might come.
Ted: Coach, you are a natural-born caregiver. Like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest.
Coach Beard: I was always more of a Taber guy.
Ted: Hey. Who put a firecracker up your butt and lit it?
Coach Beard: You did! And I'm sick of it. Look, I understood this mission when we were in Kansas. But those were kids and these are professionals and winning does matter to them. And it matters to me. And that's okay. Ain't that right, Mae?
Mae: A-fu#king-men it is.
Coach Beard: How do you not get it? Losing has repercussions. We lose, we get relegated. We get relegated, this is over and we will have built nothing. And if you wanna pick a player's feelings over a coach's duty to make a point... I don't wanna drink with someone that selfish.
(Beard walks away, but is stopped by his ex-girlfriend Jane who is playing chess with another man)
Jane: That was the sexiest fu&king thing I've ever seen in my life.
Coach Beard: Get your things. (to Jane's chess partner) She's been toying with you. (moves a chess piece) Checkmate, mate.
Roy: Told my niece I might not be playing. She asked if we could go get ice cream.
Ted: Well, hey, at least you had someone you could talk to, right? How was the ice cream?
Roy: Good. It's fu*king ice cream.
Ted: Yeah, right? Ice cream's the best. It's kinda like seeing Billy Joel perform live, you know? It never disappoints. It does give me the toots though. The ice cream, not Billy Joel.
Ted: I promised myself I was never gonna watch Fresh Prince again when they swapped out Aunt Vivs. But truth be told, as long as they let Carlton do his thing, I was always gonna take a minute and just sit right there.
Ted: Alfonso Ribeiro, the greatest physical comedian of the 19th, 20th and 21st century. Case in point right here. (dances the Carleton) Iconic, yeah?
Roy: I never know how to react when a grown man does the Carlton in front of me.
Ted: You could see a silhouette doing this, you know exactly what it is, you know exactly who's doing it. It is the one, the only, Alfonso...
Roy: What if, God forbid, I end up having to play in fu#king America, where I'd dominate, by the way. They'd be like, "Oh, is this football then?"
Roy: Can I think about it?
Ted: I'd call you a big dummy, poo-poo face if you didn't.
Ted: Be honest with me. It's a prank, right? The tea. Like, when us tourist folks aren't around, y'all know this tastes like garbage.
Roy: No. I love it.
Ted: You don't love it. It's pigeon sweat.
Ted: Bing-bong! It's biscuits o'clock.
Nathan: I know now's not the best time, Coach, but I have been feeling physically sick since walking away from you the other day. Plus last night, I had a horrible nightmare that I was pecking you to death like a crow. I'm so sorry.
Ted: It's okay, Nate. We're all good in the hood, all right? But hey, but do me a favor. Try to apologize to me in your dream so we're good on that side of things too.
Roy: My six-year-old niece found my girlfriend's vibrator. So I had to take her to get her ears pierced in an attempt to erase the memory.
Coach Beard: Been there.
Sassy: Last night was fun.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Five stars. Certified fresh.
Sassy: I'm gonna go back to sleep, and then I'm gonna order a huge breakfast on your tab.
Ted: That's a pro move right there. Yeah. Hey, I'll be your Underhills anytime.
Coach Beard: Something on your mind, Coach?
Ted: No, why?
Coach Beard: We just had a five-hour bus ride where you didn't talk a lick, and that's a record by about five hours.
Ted: Okay, look. I'm gonna tell you something but then I don't wanna talk about it ever again, okay?
Coach Beard: Okay.
Ted: I'm serious. I don't want to make jokes about it. I don't want you giving me any knowing glances. You know what I mean? Okay.
Coach Beard: Okay.
Ted: Last night, I... I slept with Rebecca's friend Sassy.
Coach Beard: Want to talk about it?
Ted: I'd love to. Yeah. Immediately.
Nathan: Ever since I was little, I always used to dream about sitting down with a bunch of mates talking about the complex dynamics between men and women.
Ted: Tell you what, I gotta get you all some satin jackets made, with "Ted Lasso's Personal Dilemma Squad" embroidered on the back there. That's a clunky name. There's gotta be something better here. Let me think. I know. How about the "EQ Warriors"?
Coach Beard: The "Knights of Support"?
Higgins: Nah. Sounds like a brand of jockstrap. The "Proud Boys"?
(Nathan vomits in a bucket)
Nathan: What about the "Diamond Dogs"?
Ted: Attaboy, Nate. Diamond Dogs it is.
Jamie Tartt: I'm good. I had ten touches, I had two completed dribbles, and in the 89th minute they let me take a free kick. I scored. Got half a chub.
Ted: I wanna thank you again for being there for me up in Liverpool.
Rebecca: It was nothing, Ted.
Ted: No, no. It was something. You got a coupon for life, young lady. Yeah. I got your back. Think of me as your own personal metaphorical Saint Bernard. You don't need to be dealing with a metaphorical avalanche to avail yourself to the metaphorical bourbon hanging around my neck.
Keeley: In my experience, I've always found that endorsements work best if you really believe in the product. So, I can find good opportunities for you guys if you let me know what you're into.
Colin: I love Air Jordans. I'd fu$k a pair of Jordans.
Keeley: All right. So, athletic wear then, yeah?
Sam: I'm into issue-oriented products. You know, pro-environment or anti-pollution. That kind of thing. Oh, and also Air Jordans. But I don't want to sleep with them.
Keeley: Isaac, what about you?
Issac: Rolos.
Keeley: So, sweets and chocolate then?
Issac: No. Just Rolos, yeah? And none of that Sour Patch bullshit either, yeah?
Roy: I always end up with my watch being stolen or a story in the press about how my penis has a curve in it.
Keeley: Does it actually?
Roy: No, I just make it feel like it does with my hips.
Roy: Look, me and Keeley might be starting up a thing, but every time I think about her, all I think about is Jamie fu$king Tartt.
Ted: Sounds to me like someone's trapped inside life's most complicated shape. A love triangle. Second place of course is the "I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit" dodecahedron.
Roy: Does my face look like it's in the mood for shape-based jokes?
Ted: No, Roy, it does not. But, in my defense, it rarely does.
Roy: Who the fu*k are the Diamond Dogs?
Ted: It's just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.
Nathan: Okay, so this is about you and Keeley, right?
Coach Beard: Saw this coming.
Higgins: Nothing like the early days of courtship.
Roy: Okay, this is my fu*king nightmare.
Ted: I think the idea of you and Keeley is like cookies and cream. And I think we all agree, two great tastes that go great together, right?
Nathan: I mean, Keeley's just so kind. You know, to be liked by someone like her must be... 's wonderful.
Ted: Shout out to the Gershwin brothers right there.
Coach Beard: Fu$k yeah, the Gershwins.
Ted: Sure, Roy here has slept with a bunch of different people in his past. But Keeley's got her own romantic and sexual history that predates Roy. And that's not okay!
Nathan: Oh, he means the opposite. I love it when Coach does sarcasm.
Roy: I can't control my feelings.
Ted: Well, then by all means you should let them control you.
Higgins: He's doing it again.
Ted: Good eye. Look, Roy, all this Chandler Bing-ing aside, do me a favor. Don't let her past muck around with y'all's future, okay?
Roy: She slept with him last night.
Nathan: I mean, are you two officially dating?
Roy: No.
Higgins: Have you already slept together?
Roy: No.
Ted: Coach, you wanna bring this home?
Coach Beard: Grow up and get over it.
Ted: The Diamond Dogs have struck again.
All Except Roy: (howling and barking)
Roy: You're all pricks.
Rebecca: We're actually here to meet with the Milk sisters.
Rupert: They won't be coming now.
Ted: Oh, no. Did they expire?
Keeley: Right. The product you'd most like to get into business with is joy?
Dani: Si. Mucho, mucho joy.
Keeley: I don't know if I can get you paid for that though, Dani.
Dani: I like to give away joy for free.
Keeley: Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman insert on Sunday. Could you please elaborate on the hip movement that makes your penis feel like it has a curve in it?
Roy: Right, no more questions. We'll see you on the pitch.
Ted: So, Rupert, y'all take your darts over here pretty seriously, huh? This and... what's the billiard game y'all do that sounds like a brand of cookies?
Rupert: Snooker?
Ted: That's it. That's the one, yup. Boy, I'd love to curl up on a couch under a weighted blanket, watch You've Got Mail and devour a box of Snookers.
Ted: As my doctor told me when I got addicted to fettuccine Alfredo, that's a little rich for my blood.
Roy: (explaining) I do yoga with a group of women in their 60s. They have no idea who I am, it's twice a week and it's really good for my core. Normally only takes an hour, but Maureen's been going through a divorce and she needed to talk about it and blow off some steam. We all ended up at G-A-Y till 2:00 a.m. and then we had crepes in Balham with some drag queens. Like I said, it's private.
Keeley: I'm gonna kiss you now. Unless it's gonna make you run away again.
(Paparazzo takes photos of Roy and Keeley kissing...)
Roy: Where's your manners? You're supposed to ask before you take something.
(Takes the man's memory card)
Roy: For example, may I take this?
Paparazzo: No.
Roy: Well, I'm fu$king taking it. (Gives the memory card to Keeley) Here. It's pictures of our first date.
Ted: Mae, what do I need to win?
Mae: Two triple-twenties and a bulls-eye.
Rupert: (laughs) Good Luck.
Ted: You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there. It said, "Be curious, not judgmental." I like that.
(Throws a triple 20)
Ted: So I get back in my car and I'm driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me... who I was had nothing to do with it. 'Cause if they were curious, they would've asked questions. You know? Questions like, "Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?"
(Throws another triple 20)
Ted: To which I would've answered, "Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age ten till I was 16, when he passed away." Barbecue sauce.
(Throws a bulls-eye)
Ted: Good game, Rupert.
Ted: Fellas, I could watch you do this jaunty North Korean military thing you do all day, but I need a favor.
Sam: We'll die for you, Coach!
Ted: That's a little dramatic, Sam, but I see how you got there with me invoking the military and all.
Coach Beard: Still haven't told him John and George are dead?
Ted: They're what?
Beard: It was Keith Richards.
Keeley: I just want to say up front that I'm really flattered you asked me to come this weekend.
Rebecca: Oh. Come on now.
Keeley: But, hey, we're both single. I think you are super hot. If I'm gonna dip my toe back into the lady pool, I can't think of a finer body of water to do it with than you.
Ted: Obviously we're bummed out that O'Brien tore his butt.
O'Brien: It's my upper hamstring, Coach.
Ted: You tore your butt, son. There's nothing to be ashamed of, okay? It happens. People tear their butts all the time in athletics. You're not alone, man. (To COach Beard) Hey, Coach, you've torn your butt a few times, right?
Coach Beard: Three times.
Reporter: I'm wondering, how worried are you about the threat of relegation?
Ted: Lloyd, right now I'm mostly concerned with the definition of relegation.
Ted: (to reporters) All right. See you fellas in Liverpool, yeah? (Boards the bus) Oh. Hey! Last one there is a Scotch egg!
Nathan: So, just to remind you, the hotel furniture stays in the rooms, not the hallway or the pool. Nor are you allowed to ship it to your homes or other hotels, okay?
Ted: All right, fellas, we got team meal in an hour. After that, it's either gonna be movie night or a pillow fight. What's it gonna be this time around?
All: Movie night.
Ted: All right. But I tell you what, y'all say "pillow fight" one time, and we'll never watch another movie together again.
Ted: Room 5150. Finally. Sammy Hagar, greatest lead singer in Van Halen history... In the post-David Lee Roth era.
Coach Beard: Thank you.
Ted: Coach, what room you got?
Coach Beard: 5148.
Ted: Hey.
Both: Howdy, neighbor.
Keeley on Hotel TV: Liverpool has much to offer when it comes to nightlife. From pubs and clubs, to the great Asian pastime of karaoke!
Keeley: I don't even remember doing this.
Ted: I'm just asking for your opinion. You understand that, yeah?
Nathan: Yeah.
Ted: And you got one, yes?
Nathan: Yeah.
Ted: Locked, loaded, ready to rip? Let me hear it.
Nathan: No.
Ted: Why not? What are you afraid's gonna happen if you tell me?
Nathan: That you won't like my idea and it makes you hate me. Then you fire me. Then I have to move back in with my parents and they'll be ashamed of me. Then everyone finds out back home and laughs at me until my face melts off. Excuse me. (leaves)
Coach Beard: Well, at least he didn't stammer.
Sassy: A fax machine, hey? Are you sending something to the year 1997?
Ted: Yeah, just a little note to myself telling me to buy Apple stock.
Concierge: Right, how can I help you?
Sassy: Well, I was gonna go out for a smoke and hope my friend picks up the check while I was gone. Then I saw Magnum, P.I. in line, figured I'd flirt with him as well. See what happens, you know?
Concierge: Oh, well, good luck.
Sassy: Yeah, I think I fu*ked it.
Concierge: I... I actually get off in about 30 minutes if you'd like to, uh... (she leaves) Of course not, why would you?
Nathan: (To Isaac) I've noticed of late... that you've been playing like a big, dumb pussy.
Issac: What the fu$k did you say to me, bruv?
Nathan: You're more concerned about looking tough than actually being tough. There's a way to be intimidating without being physical. I hope you don't mind me saying.
Nathan: (to Sam) You're constantly getting beat on the wings. It's 'cause you're indecisive. You second-guess more than a shitty psychic. The only African I know more imprisoned by their own thoughts is goddamn Nelson Mandela.
Nathan: (to Colin) You and all your fancy step over bullshit. Let me ask you this. Do you wax your pubes?
Colin: What?
Nathan: Did I stutter, dickhead? Do you wax your pubes? Yes or no.
Colin: No.
Nathan: Then why are you always trying to play like a Brazilian?
Dani: Whoo! Roast me, amigo.
Nathan: All right. You say that football is life, right?
Dani: Football is life.
Nathan: Yeah, well, then your defense is death. The only person I've seen lose their man more often is Carrie fu*king Bradshaw.
Nathan: (to Roy) The great Roy Kent. You're old now. And slow. And your focus drifts. But your speed and your smarts were never what made you who you are. It's your anger. That's your superpower. That's what made you one of the best midfielders in the history of this league. But I haven't seen it on the pitch at all this season, Roy. I mean, you used to run like you were angry at the grass. You'd kick the ball like you'd caught it fu$king your wife, for Christ's sake. But that anger doesn't come out anymore when you play. But it's still in there. And I'm afraid of what it's gonna do to you if you just keep it all for yourself.
(Roy rips a bench off the wall)
Roy: Let's go get these fu$kers.
(Team cheers)
Ted: (To Nathan) See? Told you it'd be fun.
Sassy: (to Rebecca) So, what's Marlboro Man's story, then? 'Cause I kinda wanna grab him by the ears and ride that little mustache like a Jet Ski.
Keeley: There you are. Fu*king hell. I thought you guys ditched me. Jesus, I didn't know that I had abandonment issues till right now.
Coach Beard: (singing karaoke) Caught in a bad romance. Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah Roma-roma-ma. Gaga, ooh-la-la. Want your bad romance.
Ted: You know, it's okay, 'cause it's a great time now for me to, you know, bury myself in my work here. And so... Although, I'm not crazy... I don't love the word "bury," you know what I mean? It's just got a negative connotation to it, don't it? What's another word I could say? Everyone loves a good bath, right? Just a nice warm bath, right? Yeah? So that's what I'll say. I'll say, "I'm gonna bathe myself in work."
Trent Crimm: Is it safe to assume that Jamie Tartt will be back on the pitch next match?
Ted: Well, you know what they say when you assume, Trent? You make an arse outta you and me.
Rebecca: Your decision to bench Jamie Tartt was very brave.
Ted: Thank you.
Rebecca: I mean, a masterstroke.
Ted: I don't think we're allowed to talk like that at work anymore.
Ted: Word become a sound? What's that called again?
Coach Beard: Semantic satiation.
Ted: (To Jamie Tartt) If you can't practice, you can't practice. If you're hurt, you're hurt. It's as simple as that. But it ain't about that... at all. You're sitting in here. You're supposed to be the franchise player. And yet here we are, talking about you missing practice. We're talking about practice. You understand me? Practice. Not a game. Not a game. Not the game you go out there and die for. Right? Play every weekend like it's your last, right? No, we're talking about practice, man. Practice! You know you're supposed to be out there. You know you're supposed to lead by example. You're just shoving that all aside. And so here we are, Jamie. We're talking about practice. Not a game. Not the game. We're talking about practice, with your team. With your teammates. The only place we get to play together, we got control over. Rest of the time it's us 11 against those 11. We're talking about practice, man! I'm talking about practice! And you can't do it 'cause you're hurt. Right? It's fine by me. Tell you what. Do me a favor. When you get out there, set up the cones so the other reserves can do a little passing drill.
Ted: You are a spirited fellow Dani. Just go on out there, and get the striker spot for us, okay?
Dani: Yes! Just like back in Guadalajara, you say it, I do it, Coach. Football is life!
Ted: I like him.
Keeley: (excited) I called a couple of contacts about some sponsorship opportunities. Even got myself a little work planner.
Rebecca: You couldn't get one without the word "unicorn" written on it?
Ted: Oh, boy. I tell you, man. I feel like we fell out of a lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids.
Ted: One more person says something that me and Beard don't understand, I'm gonna have one of my son's classic temper tantrums. It's basically just him calling me a bunch of silly names, you know, like, I don't know, "dummy head" or "poo-poo face" or "poo-poo dummy" or... I don't know. What am I missing?
Coach Beard: "Pee-pee fingers."
Sam: Coach, is it true in America you guys have so many beautiful dogs in pounds that some get put down for no reason?
Ted: That is true, Sam. But it's also something a lot of female singer-songwriters are trying to change.
Ted: I don't know about curses. But I do know this, they don't last forever. Okay, look at the Boston Red Sox curse. That's over. Chicago Cubs, over. Heck, even Mr. Martin Scorsese finally won his Oscar. But I think we can all agree that The Departed is not necessarily his best work. That belongs to The Color of Money.
Colin: No, it's Goodfellas.
Ted: Agree to disagree.
Isaac: Nah, nah. It's Age of Innocence, bruv.
Coach Beard: Cape Fear.
Roy: Silence!
Isaac: Wait, wait, wait. What you're telling me is that we've got 400 ghosts?
Colin: That's too many ghosts.
Richard: We cannot fight them all.
Sam: Do you know J.K. Rowling has more money than the Queen?
Rebecca: I did.
Sam: I like the idea of someone becoming rich, because of what they gave to the world. Not just because of who their family is.
Ted: Gentlemen, I am, by nature, a believer. Ghosts, spirit guides, aliens. Still, I can't actually tell you what lives beyond our physical world and what doesn't. What I can tell you, is that with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever.
Roy: I was nine when I got scouted by Sunderland, and I'd never left London before. My granddad drove me all the way there, and it was freezing, and I was terrified.
(laughter)
Roy: I was fu*king nine! Say something! When I got there, he gave me this old blanket. He said it was to keep me warm and to remind me of home. And that was the last time I saw him. 'Cause he'd passed away by the time I got back for Christmas, so... That is why blankie means so much to me.
Issac: Did you just say "blankie"?
Roy: No, I said "blanket." Conversation over.
Richard: This sand is from a beach in St. Barts. This is the first beach where I ever... (sobbing) It's the first beach where I ever slept with a supermodel.
Colin: Smile because it happened.
Higgins: This is my cat's collar. She was a faithful companion for 20 years. Gonna miss you, Cindy Clawford.
Colin: The keys to my Lamborghini.
(Throws the keys into the barrel)
Coach Beard: How you getting home?
Ted: Well, gentlemen... (lights a match) What do you say we burn this crap?
Coach Beard: (interrupting) Maybe we should do this part outside.
Ted: Our therapist gave us this code word to use. So if either of us says "Oklahoma," the other one has to tell the God's honest truth. Yeah, you know, it's pretty helpful. Did ruin the musical for me though.
Keeley: Jamie, thank you. Whenever I break up with someone, I spend months questioning it, wondering if I made a huge fu$king mistake. But you have really helped me to feel good about this decision, just by... being you.
Jamie: You're welcome.
Ted: Jamie, how many times I gotta tell you to make the extra pass? Come on. Sam was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my kitchen counter.
(Players murmur)
Ted: Oh, that's right. Y'all don't know I like to keep the peanut butter open. That way, whenever I walk by, I can just stick my finger in there.
Roy: It's a fu$king good idea, to be fair.
Ted: Yeah, it is.
(Ted runs to meet his family)
Nathan: That is a lot longer run than he thinks, though.
Coach Beard: Metaphor.
Jamie: I'm happy to be the new brand ambassador for Darsteiner. The favorite beer of Jamie Tartt. (Photographers take pictures) Oh, wait, wait, wait. Get my tats. Get that one. (rolls up his sleeve) It's very important to me. Chinese for "arm."
Rebecca: (referring to Jamie) No judgment, but are you back with that twat?
Keeley: No. We're done. (Pause) God, I love that you care though. I'll kiss you on the mouth if I can reach those lips.
Rebecca: If any of the other players needed some branding work done, is that something you'd be interested in?
Keeley: I don't want you to offer me a job just 'cause I was nice to you in the loo the other night.
Rebecca: Why not? Men give each other jobs in toilets all the time.
Rebecca: What is it you do again?
Keeley: I'm sort of famous for being almost famous.
Ted: (to his wife and son) Little tip for y'all, all right? Fries are called "chips." Chips are called "crisps." And "bangers" aren't great songs, but they do make you feel like dancing 'cause they're so darn tasty.
Michelle: Do they, um, wrap the fish-and-chips in newspaper? I read they do that here.
Ted: No, no. I wish. Boy, I'd love that. Having my food teach me stuff?
Michelle: Yeah, that's your dream scenario, right? A doughnut that knows about Rosa Parks or something.
Ted: Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Can fit a lot of wisdom just in the hole.
Ted: Coach's views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak. You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one, loses its flavor.
Nathan: If you were worried about your relationship, then why did you fly 4,438 miles away?
Ted: That is a very specific number to know off the top of your head.
Nathan: Oh, well, uh, my dad used to be a cartographer. Used to say I was .001 miles tall.
Higgins: If you're with the right person, even the hard times are easy.
Ted: (whistles) Someone call 911. I want to report a truth bomb.
Coach Beard: I think... think they do 999 here.
Nathan: It is 999.
Ted: I gotta say, man, sometimes you remind me of my grandma with the channel hopper. You just push all the wrong buttons.
Announcer 1: We certainly haven't seen this before. Ted Lasso is running into the stands.
Announcer 2: Well, where the hell is he off to?
Announcer 1: He's not slowing down on those steps. That's some real impressive cardio from Ted Lasso there.
Ted: Fellas, we're broken. We need to change. And, look, I know change can be scary. One minute, you're playing freeze tag out there at recess with all your buddies. Next thing you know, you're getting zits, your voice gets low. And every time your art teacher, Ms. Scanlon, leans over your desk to check and see how your project's going, you feel all squiggly inside.
(chuckles are heard)
Ted: Mm. She was a striking woman. Not classically beautiful, but striking. First time I ever saw tan lines.
Roy: Took balls, what you did.
Ted: That's all we got is balls, Roy. It's all we got.
(After winning the match)
Crowd: Wanker! Wanker!
Ted: Well, same word, ain't it?
Coach Beard: Yeah, but different.
Ted: Yeah, kinda like back in the '80s when bad meant good, right?
Coach Beard: Who was president back then?
Ted: Ronald Reagan.
Coach Beard: "Ronald Reagan? The actor?"
Ted: Oh, man. I love it when you do Doc Brown. You walked me right into that.
Sam: Jamie. Jamie. Sorry, I didn't put that cross where you wanted it.
Jamie: Ah. Forget it, mate. Hey, would it be too forward if I gave you some advice that might help improve your game a bit?
Sam: No. Please, anything.
Jamie: What you need to do is get yourself a time machine, and go back to the moment when your mom was about to fu$k a sad little man with no athletic talent. Pull her off him, fly her to Argentina, and drop her onto Maradona's c0ck. Hope that helps, mate.
Ted: Easy, easy, easy now! Coach, tell these boys what the first rule of my fight club is.
Coach Beard: No fight club!
Rebecca: Ugh. I haven't placed Elaine Kenner. Awful woman.
Higgins: She won't be attending tonight. She was kicked in the face by her horse.
Rebecca: Oh. That poor thing. Is the horse okay?
Ted: Looks like we still got ourselves a team divided here. Coach, you know what I'm thinkin' about right now?
Coach Beard: West Side Story?
Ted: You know it. Sharks and Jets. You think these fellas could solve their problems with a dance-off at a gymnasium?
Ted: Nate the Great! He's gonna be my date! And for obvious reasons, we'd love to be at table eight!
Ted: Fashion's all about confidence. If I didn't have any confidence, I never would've worn pajamas to my prom and ended up in jail the rest of that night.
Keeley: Nate, that's a very nice suit. I think you look chic.
Nathan: Oh, thank you. It's actually only the second suit I've ever owned. The first one was my suit when I was a naked baby.
Keeley: (blank stare)
Nathan: Sorry, it's funny when Ted says it. I...
Ted: Well, the term "birthday suit" woulda helped you a ton there, yeah.
Rebecca: Rupert was always very good at the public speaking part.
Ted: Hey, here's a little trick of the trade. Just make fun of yourself right off the bat, a little joke. Folks will love that.
Rebecca: Okay, so, what should I make fun of myself about?
Ted: (inhales) Right, right, right. (stammers) Um...
Woman: (to Jamie) I will be bidding for a night with you.
Jamie: Oh. Thanks, love. Uh... Yeah, it's, um, it's just a date though. It's not a whole night. So...
Woman: We'll see. (leaves)
Roy: Mate, I've done these before. If she bids over 3,000, you will have to fu$k her.
Jamie: Is that true?
Keeley: You don't have to go all the way. Just, like, some of the way. Fingering. (laughs)
Roy: Just the usual. Jamie being a little bitch prima donna.
Ted: Roy, let me ask you something. What were you like when you were 23? Playing in this league, making all that money.
Roy: Little bitch prima donna.
Ted: Yeah. You know how they say that "youth is wasted on the young"? Well, I say don't let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.
Nathan: I just wanted to say thanks for talking to Colin and Isaac.
Roy: Why is your face so close to mine?
Nathan: Well, my initial plan was to hug you, but I just chickened out just now.
Roy: Right.
(Nathan hugs Roy)
Roy: Okay, we're done.
Ted: Love of a sports team is a lifetime obsession. Kinda like your best friend's older sister, right?
Higgins: Hey, Ted. Uh, do you think Rebecca knows what the real Adele looks like?
Keeley: In anything else, I hate olives. I think the little, like, orange clitoris thing is really freaky.
Rupert: And now, the only former Champions League winner on the menu, say hello to Roy Kent. And the highest bidder gets to spend a day at a swanky hotel by the pool drinking frozen daiquiris and soaking up the rays...
Roy: (abruptly) No, we said there's no daiquiris and no rays.
Keeley: Do you wanna go get, like, really drunk?
Rebecca: Yes, I do.
Keeley: Then we can go rob a bank or something.
Ted: Yeah, finally saw Big Ben. Boy, I thought I'd seen the biggest clock there was. When I was a kid, my folks took me to the Allen-Bradley Clock Tower up there in Milwaukee. They ended up leaving me there all by myself. Yeah, three hours and 42 minutes. You know how I know that?
Rebecca: You were staring at a clock?
Rebecca: I have a branding meeting, so...
Ted: I always feel so bad for the cows, but you gotta do it otherwise they get lost.
Ted: Sorry, Nate. I have a real tricky time hearing folks that don't believe in themselves.
Keeley: When this shit hits, Jamie is going to go mental. There's going to be photographers all over us.
Ted: Right, right.
Keeley: The next picture of me will not be this perfect. I am gonna be mid-sneeze face, like... Guess what the headline will be.
Ted: Gesundheit?
Keeley: "Jamie's Tart Breaks Tartt's Heart."
Ted: Did you just come up with that?
Keeley: Yeah.
Ted: Everyone would read that.
Keeley: Of course they would. You have no idea the power of rhyming in this goddamn country.
Ted: (toward Rebecca) This woman right here is strong, confident and powerful. Boss, I tell ya, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off it either.
Rebecca: There's no way she can trace that photo back to me, can she?
Higgins: Yes.
Rebecca: What do you mean "yes"? Did you not use an alias or a burner phone?
Higgins: I'm not a spy, Rebecca. I'm just the director of football operations.
Ted: Roy, I learned two pretty big lessons on the rough-and-tumble playgrounds of Brookridge Elementary School. One, if little Ronnie Fowch offers you a candy bar, you immediately say no, and you get the hell outta there. 'Cause there's a good chance that little son of a gun has just pooped inside of a Butterfinger wrapper.
Ted: (referring to Roy) He's the one, Coach. If we're gonna make an impact here, the first domino that needs to fall is right inside that man's heart.
Rebecca: I spoke to the owner of The Sun.
Ted: You spoke to God?
Rebecca: No, the newspaper.
Ted: I know Trent, yeah. He's a tough cookie.
Rebecca: Really?
Ted: Yeah, but that's okay. You know what you do with tough cookies, don't ya?
Rebecca: No.
Ted: Dip 'em in milk.
Ted: Hey, Trent. You know who you remind me of right now?
Trent: No. Who?
Ted: One of them robot vacuums. Just kinda wandering around looking for dirt.
Ted: Well, that's the funny thing about coincidences, ain't it? Sometimes they just happen.
Roy: Never been much for public speaking or school, really. Always seemed like a waste of time to me. Why don't we get out of this stuffy auditorium, go out on the pitch and have a proper fu$k-about?
Roy: I've had it with your mind games and your stupid gifts. I mean, what even is A Wrinkle in Time?
Trent: It's a lovely novel. It's the story of a young girl's struggle with the burden of leadership as she journeys through space.
Ted: Yeah. That's it.
Roy: Am I supposed to be the little girl?
Ted: I'd like you to be.
Ted: Hey, Ollie. This is my friend Trent. Trent, this is my buddy Ollie. Congrats. You both just met a cool person.
Trent: So, if you love Kansas so much, why did you... Why did you leave to coach a sport you can barely... you know anything about? Was it just the money?
Ted: Wait, I'm supposed to be getting paid?
Ted: (to Trent) I love coaching. Now, I'm gonna say this again just so you didn't think it was a mistake the first time I said it. For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It's about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field. And it ain't always easy, Trent, but neither is growing up without someone believing in you.
Roy: (Reading to his niece) "Mrs. Which's voice was grave. 'What do you understand?' 'That it has to be me. Can't be anyone else.'"
(pauses)
Roy: Fu$k!
Phoebe: That's a bad word, Uncle Roy.
Ted: You know what today feels like?
Coach Beard: First day of school.
Ted: First day of school. That's right.
Ted: What about you, Coach? How you feeling?
Coach Beard: A little nervous.
Ted: Well, heck, yeah. No such thing as "last-day jitters."
Ted: (enters Rebecca's office) Knock-a-doodle-do.
Ted: Tea is horrible. Absolute garbage water. I don't know why y'all do that.
Ted: I would not bet on that. I mean, unless you wanna win a buttload of money.
Coach Beard: Remember what you said to me our first day coaching at Wichita State?
Ted: Lose the ponytail?
Coach Beard: Relax. They're just kids.
Ted: Hey, look at Isaac. He looks like a Rodin sculpture in cleats.
Coach Beard: Boots. They call cleats "boots."
Ted: I thought you said that the trunk of a car was a boot.
Coach Beard: Also a boot.
Ted: Hold on now. If I were to get fired from my job where I'm puttin' cleats in the trunk of my car...
Coach Beard: You got the boot from puttin' boots in the boot.
Roy: Oi. Walk away, you little prick.
Jamie Tartt: All right, granddad. Keep your wig on.
Ted: Hey, Sam, come here a sec.
Sam: Coach, I'm sorry.
Ted: You know what the happiest animal on earth is? It's a goldfish. You know why?
Sam: No.
Ted: Got a ten-second memory. Be a goldfish, Sam. Yeah?
Ted: You still laughing at stuff you don't think is funny, huh?
Nathan: I'm not always sure what's a joke and what isn't.
Ted: Yeah, it's tough to tell these days, isn't it?
Rebecca: How was your first official day?
Ted: I'm not entirely sure what y'all's smallest unit of measurement is over here, but that's about how much headway I made.
Rebecca: Are you mad? Pandas are fat and lazy and have piss-stained fur. Lions are powerful and majestic and rule the jungle.
Keeley: That Rebecca is an intimidating, very tall woman. I mean, the minute she locked eyes with me, I started sweating.
Ted: Oh, no. She got some fences, all right, but you just gotta hop over 'em.
Ted: (going through the suggestion box) Let's see what we got here. "Wanker." Let's see what else we got. "Piss off, wanker." "I hope you choke on a Big Mac."
Coach Beard: Good thing these are anonymous.
Ted: No, Roy signed that one.
Ted: Okay, I got one. What if I joined forces with a swashbuckling cat to play tiny guitars for women of the night as we read Alex Haley's most seminal work?
Coach Beard: You'd be in cahoots with Puss in Boots, playing lutes for prostitutes, reading Roots.
Ted: No, The Autobiography of Malcolm X. I gotcha.
Ted: Let's tie up some loose ends from yesterday. First concert, Kenny Rogers, right? Best concert, we got Beastie Boys at HORDE Fest, 1995. You're gonna love this story. Actually, did y'all get the O.J. trial over here?
Reporter: How are you feeling about taking on Crystal Palace this weekend?
Ted: A palace made out of crystal seems mighty fragile if you ask me.
Trent Crimm: Could you explain the offside rule?
Ted: Well, Trent, I'm gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.
Ted: I wanted to ask you about Jamie.
Keeley: Yeah.
Ted: What would you say motivates him?
Keeley: Bl0w j0bs.
Ted: Is there a second option?
Rebecca: Rupert and I bought this on our fifth anniversary.
Higgins: Well, you have exquisite taste.
Rebecca: Do you want it?
Higgins: But it's a Hockney. It must be worth a million pounds.
Rebecca: Good point. You should've said yes.
George: Hey. I love what you've done to the place. Did you do it yourself or get some poof to help you?
Rebecca: I could ask the same of your hair.
George: Fired? What the fu$k for?
Rebecca: I suppose I could go for any number of reasons, really. Your casual misogyny, for one.
George: What?
Rebecca: I know, it's a big word. Ask one of your daughters what it means. Or perhaps it's your performance, having led this team through yet another remarkably average season. Or maybe it's because you insist on wearing those tiny shorts that force me to see one of your testicles.... and there's the other one. Liam and Noel. Though, perhaps not an oasis.
Sportscaster: Right on, Ted. Do your thing, man. And good luck with the most beautiful game. Do us proud. Go, 'Murica.
Tommy: You coaching football. Mate, you are a legend for doing something so stupid. I mean, it's mental. They're gonna fuc$ing murder you.
Ted: Well, you know, I've heard that tune before. But here I am, still dancing.
Ted: Come on. Hit me with a fun fact.
Coach Beard: They don't say "out of bounds." They say "into touch."
Ted: Okay, you owe me five bucks if I sneak that into a sentence later.
Ted: Hey, hey, hey! If we see each other in our dreams, let's goof around a little bit, pretend like we don't know each other.
Coach Beard: You got it, stranger.
Ollie: Okay. That's Tower Bridge.
Ted: Right. Not the London Bridge, 'cause this one's still up.
Coach Beard: You know how they came up with soccer? So, these Victorian-era headmasters, all they wanted to do was get the boys to stop masturbating. So they invented a sport where the boys wouldn't use their hands at all, and they thought that might do the trick. I'm not sure if it worked, but...
Ted: Nathan! I love that name. Hey, love your hot dogs.
Nathan: Yeah. No, I know.
Ted: Good, good. Y'all got Nathan's hot dogs here?
Nathan: No.
Ted: If that's a joke, I love it. If not, I cannot wait to unpack that with you.
Rebecca: How do you take your tea?
Ted: Well, usually I take it right back to the counter 'cause someone's made a horrible mistake.
Ted: You know, I always figured that tea was just gonna taste like hot brown water. And you know what? I was right.
Rebecca: Would you like a tour?
Ted: I'd love to see Abbey Road.
Rebecca: ...of the club.
Ted: Yeah, let's start there.
Rebecca: Some of the locals claim they still see fallen soldiers wandering around the pitch.
Ted: That's spooky.
Rebecca: Do you believe in ghosts, Ted?
Ted: I do. But more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves.
Rebecca: This is a wall of our previous owners.
Ted: Okay. And now look at this fella up here. How 'bout the girls and the champagne and everything? He looks like a good time.
Rebecca: That's my ex-husband.
Roy: Oi! If I don't hear silence, I'm gonna start punching dicks.
Ted: Heck, you could fill two Internets with what I don't know about football. But I'll tell you what I do know. I know that AFC Richmond, like any team I've ever coached, is gonna go out there and give you everything they got for all four quarters.
Reporter: Halves.
Ted: What was that?
Reporter: Two halves.
Ted: Right. Sorry. Halves, yeah. They're gonna give you everything they got for two halves, win or lose.
Reporter: Or tie.
Ted: Right. Y'all do ties here. Sorry. That's going to take some getting used to for me. 'Cause back where I'm from, you try to end a game in a tie, well, that might as well be the first sign of the apocalypse.
Reporter: Can you even name any footballers?
Ted: Well, yeah, you got Ronaldo and the fellow that bends it like himself.
Reporter: What's a goalie?
Ted: The fella with the big Mickey Mouse hands and the... by the net.
Ted: You know, I'd love to say hi to the team, if I can.
Rebecca: Can't keep a gaffer from his pitch.
Ted: You can say that again. Okay. (Aside to Coach Beard) I am 0 for 2 in that sentence.
Higgins: Ms. Welton, I was a bit skeptical, but after hearing you speak in there, I'm excited by your choice. Coach Lasso is just what we need.
Rebecca: He's an absolute wanker.
Higgins: I know... Pardon?
Rebecca: I hope he fails miserably. See, my ex-husband truly loved only one thing his entire life: this club. And Ted Lasso is gonna help me burn it to the ground. 'Cause I want to torture Rupert. I want him to feel like he's being fu*ked in the ass with a splintered cricket bat. Just in and out, over and over, in a constant loop. Like a GIF.
Ted: Holy smokes! Did you see that? That fella looked like a kitty cat when it gets spooked by a cucumber.
Ted: How many countries are in this country?
Coach Beard and Nathan: Four.
Ted: It's kinda like America these days.
Ted: I do love a locker room. Smells like potential... and am I getting notes of Axe body spray?
Ted: (Referring to Roy) Last time I saw eyes that cold, they were going head-to-head with Roy Scheider.
Coach Beard: Jaws?
Ted: No, All That Jazz.
Ted: It was real fun watching you out there today. You know, the boys really respond to you. It doesn't surprise me though. You've had a heck of a career.
Roy: Thank you. Never thought it would end being coached by Ronald fu*king McDonald.
(Roy Leaves)
Ted: You gonna let him call you that?
Coach Beard: I don't think he was referring to me.
Ted: He thinks he's mad now, wait till we win him over.
Coach Beard: He'll... be... furious.
Keeley: You're trending hard on Twitter right now.
Ted: How 'bout that.
Keeley: Do you even tweet?
Ted: Nah. But I do beatbox all right. (beat boxes a line)
Keeley: I never know how to react when a grown man beatboxes in front of me.
Keeley: If you get curious and you start searching around on Twitter, I would avoid #Richmond, or wanker. Or dick.
Ted: Well, I'll take your word for it.
