Joke Of The Day

I’m having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep.

I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

What do you call a walking mosquito?

An itch-hiker.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in the local park.

So basically, she sells C cells by the seesaw.

They had to evacuate my local music festival when a band did a cover of Boogie Wonderland.

It set off the Earth, Wind and Fire alarm.

My wife woke up the other day with a puzzled look on her face.

She’d fallen asleep on her crossword.

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said, “Yes, try Sarah Topps.”

I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.

He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

Did you hear about the man who only paid 5 cents for a prosthetic eye?

His name was Nikolai.

What do you get when you eat Uranium?

Atomic ache.

I went to a meeting of recovering hackers.

It was called Anonymous Anonymous.

I’ve started taking engraving lessons.

There’s still so much to learn, we’ve only just scratched the surface.

I tried watching a beaver documentary.

The stream kept stopping.

Want to know one of the most important lessons in learning how to play guitar?

Stay tuned.

A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”

Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.

After ten years as Director of the “Ladder Enthusiasts Coalition”…

I’ve decided to step down.

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?

He wanted a well-balanced meal.

A friend of mine was in a great U2 tribute band.

Then they lost their Edge.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn’t wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.

Turns out that is 9 pm.

I asked the librarian for a book on “Finding Bigfoot”.

She directed me to the large print section.

I had to give up my career as a photographer.

I kept losing focus.

I cook by making up a recipe and adding a German white wine.

It’s an add hock approach to cooking.

I walked by a rehab center the other day.

The sign on the lawn said, “Keep off the grass”.

Who is the saddest person in the pasta factory?

The guy who’s filling cannelloni.

My friend lost his job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.

He was always giving rave reviews.

I parked in a hospital car park today.

The attendant came up and said, “This is for badge holders only”.

I said, “But I’ve got a bad shoulder”.

My friend has joined a cult that worships black holes.

I’d hate to get sucked into something like that.

I went to a really bad manicure competition yesterday.

It was nail-biting.

I just received a letter saying my friend bequeathed me a very expensive antique watch.

I really hope it’s not a wind up.

I saw a book called “Ten Steps To Improve Your Long Jump”.

I thought, “That’s cheating”.

What do you call a medieval lamp?

A knight light.

I bumped into an old friend today.

I thought he’d be happy to see me, but he just kept going on about the damage to his car.

I took my friend to see the world’s biggest fan for his birthday.

He was blown away.

After the ballet skirt was invented, the creators spent days coming up with a name.

Finally, they put tu and tu together.

I know someone who swings from ropes whilst spray painting pictures of vegetables in cages.

He’s a trapped peas artist.

Did you hear about the man who was brought in by the fashion police?

They questioned him over his criminal ties.

A friend asked me if I had seen the film “Tractor”.

“No,” I replied, “But I’ve seen the trailer.”

After spending an hour unclogging the bathtub and sink…

I’m feeling pretty drained.

I’m very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club.

We go back years.

I saw an Irish dancing show today called Streamdance.

It’s not quite as good as Riverdance, but then it is only a tributary act.

I asked for a helicopter biscuit.

They didn’t have any so I had to have a plane one.

I do enjoy playing “telekinetic snooker”.

However, you’ve got to be in the right frame of mind for it.

I thought I heard Tubular Bells on my farm last Christmas.

But it was just my cold field.

I always find it hard to rent a trailer.

I’ve never managed it without a hitch.

A guy told me to buy shares in a company that makes alcohol from apples.

He’s been done for in-cider trading.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

It’s called lunch.

My friend sent me a joke in the mail.

Took me a few days to get it.

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

If the lettuce display at the grocery store falls over again…

I swear, heads are gonna roll.

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes,” used to be a fun little kids’ song.

Now it’s a list of things that hurt.

I’m not saying I’m attractive.

But when I take my clothes off in the bathroom, I turn the shower on.