Kids’ Jokes

Did you hear the one about the little mountain? It's hill-arious!

Q. What's a banana peel's favorite type of shoe? A. Slippers!

Q. What did the big flower say to the little flower? A. Hi, bud!

Q. How do vampires start their letters? A. "Tomb it may concern..."

Q. What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? A. Pencil-vania!

Q. How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair? A. Eclipse it!

Q. Where do polar bears keep their money? A. In a snow bank!

Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A. Because chickens didn't exist yet!

Q. Why was the broom late for school? A. It overswept!

Q. What do you call a duck that loves making jokes? A. A wise-quacker!

Q. What did the finger say to the thumb? A. I'm in glove with you!

Q. What did one pickle say to the other pickle who wouldn't stop complaining? A. "Dill with it."

Q. What's really fast, loud, and tastes good with salsa? A. A rocket chip!

Q. What has hundreds of ears but can't hear a thing? A. A cornfield!

Q: Why didn't the zombie go to school?

A: He felt rotten!

Q: Which fruit is a vampire's favorite?

A: Neck-tarine!

Q: How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? A: You use a pumpkin patch!

Q: What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?

A: Spook-hetti!

Q: What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?

A: Blood hound!

Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?

A: Because there are so many plots there!

Q: What do female ghosts use to do their makeup?

A: Vanishing Cream!

Q: What do witches ask for at hotels?

A: Broom service!

Q: What did the mummy ghost say to the noisy young ghost who kept interrupting?

A: "Spook when you're spooken to."

Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?

A: Spooktacles

Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?

A: Fangs-giving!

Q: What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?

A: A Trombone!

Q: What genre of music does a mummy like the best?

A: Wrap!

Q: What does a ghost call his mom and dad?

A: His transparents.

Q: How do you get inside a locked cemetery at night?

A: Use a Skeleton Key to unlock the gates!

Q: What is the name of the witch who lives in the desert?

A: Sand-witch!

Q: What does a panda ghost eat?

A: Bam-BOO!

Q: What is a recess at a mortuary called?

A: A Coffin Break!

Q: Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation? A: The Dead Sea!

Q: What do ghosts use to wash their hair? A: Sham-BOO!

Q: What do you call a witch who lives on a beach? A: A sand-witch

Q: What do birds say on Halloween to get candy? A: Twick-or-tweet

Q. What do you call a droid that likes taking the scenic route? A. R2-Detour!

Q: Why did the skeleton climb up the tree? A: Because a dog was after his bones!

Q: How did the skeleton know it was going to rain on Halloween? A: He could feel it in his bones!

Q: Why are all of Superman's costumes tight? A: They’re all size S.

Q. Who helps little pumpkins cross the road on the way to school? A. The Crossing Gourd!

Q. Why did Mickey Mouse become an astronaut? A. So he could visit Pluto!

Q:  Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon? A. Because she'll let it go!

Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A. Because you can see right through them!

Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? A: To make up for his miserable summer. (Credit Southern Living)

Stick a Post-It or a piece of clear tape over the tracking ball on your parent's computer mouse to keep it from moving. Watch your parents' confusion as they try to figure out why their computer's on the fritz. Try these Facebook pranks on your friends.

Swap the settings on the TV or their phone so they see everything in Spanish or French instead of English. (Now maybe they can help you with your language homework!)

Make getting ready in the morning a little more challenging for everyone in the family by switching the underwear from one person's drawer to another. (This is especially funny if you put a little kid's underwear into the biggest family member's dresser.)

You can really get your parents fooled by pretending their smart phone screen or yours has been cracked. You can download images or even find online apps that will make your screen look like it's been shattered. Just think how you're parents will totally be relieved when you scream "April Fool's." Try these computer pranks on your friends.

Get your parents and siblings into a lather in the shower by sealing off their shampoo, conditioner, or body wash. To do this, unscrew the cap and place a small piece of plastic wrap over the bottle opening before you screw the lid back on. They'll have no idea why they can't get anything to come out of a bottle that looks and feels full.

Take the batteries out of every remote in the house to make it impossible to change the channel. (Bonus points if you switch the TV to your favorite channel before you shut it down.) See more April Fool's jokes to try.

Kids, make your parents worry about the water quality with this harmless prank. Use a cotton swab to wipe gel food coloring around the rim of the faucet spout, right where the water comes out. (Choose red for a particularly spooky touch!) Then watch and wait for them to freak out when they fill up their glass.

Q. What does the ghost call his true love? A. My ghoul-friend.

Q. How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? A. He gave her a ring.

Q. What do you call two birds in love?

A. Tweet-hearts!

Q. What did the little boat say to the yacht?

A. Can I interest you in a little row-mance?

When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”

My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.

When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”

At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”

Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Ivy, has been taking riding lessons for over a year. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes.

Ivy’s mom said the person trained to shoe a horse is called a farrier. “Are they little people with wings?” Ivy asked.

When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.

While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg. Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.

Head lice had been detected on a child in the local school, and the teacher told the girls in his class to wear their hair in a bun to discourage the lice.

My grandson, 6-year-old Ryan, asked the teacher, “A hot dog bun or a hamburger bun?”

My mother was babysitting my son, Lance, and they were watching a foal being born on 
a farm animal show on TV.

With wide-eyed innocence, 3-year-old Lance looked at my mother and said, “Nana, how 
did it get in there?” He’s almost 20 now, and someday I’ll have to tell the story at his wedding.

We took our 3-year-old grand-son, Sawyer, and his parents to 
a Chinese restaurant. While we enjoyed our wonton soup and other dishes, Sawyer and his dad wanted to eat their meals with chopsticks.

Sawyer was having difficulty getting the rice between the sticks and frantically said, “I can’t get anything on these tweezers!”

Two 10-year-old boys from the mountains were riding a train to the city for the first time.

For a snack, the attendant gave them bananas. The boys had never eaten such a fruit. Billy started to eat his banana, and the train entered a tunnel. He yelled, “Johnny, don’t eat it! 
I took two bites and went blind!”

A few years back, Criseyda, my granddaughter, was visiting me. After a while, the house became very quiet.

Calling out, I said, “Criseyda, where are you?” Her answer: “Mimi, I’m here with the man who has two of everything!” I found her playing with my primitive Noah’s Ark and all the sets of animals. Sure enough, he has two of everything!

When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? A: Pumpkin pi

The skeleton decided to bone up on the facts for the big exam.