Should You Stay in a Sexless Relationship?

Sex can play a different role in relationships. What goes on behind closed bedroom doors can vary from couple to couple, or even change between the same duo over time. It does deeper: How two partners approach and think about sex—including how much they want to have—can fluctuate, as well. Ultimately, your definition of a healthy sex life might not be exactly like your partner's. But if you've noticed a distinct lack of sex, you might be concerned that it's harmful to your partnership.

That's the real question—is having too little sex a problem? Our views about sex are influenced by many factors, and it's hard to know what's "normal" when comparing your love life to those of your friends (or the extravagant displays of passion we see in films or read about in books). There are several reasons you might find yourself in a sexless relationship. Some couples become less intimate over time, while others have less sex right from the beginning. You may even wonder if you should leave—but if something has changed between you and your partner, there are many ways to revive the spark. The first step is taking a look at your relationship to understand why you're not having as much sex as you want.

Below, read on for several experts' advice on how to approach a sexless relationship—and whether or not you should stay in one.

Understanding Why You're Having Less Sex

It's not uncommon to go through different stages in your love life. For some couples, it's normal to be less intimate, while others may see a decline over time. If you're wondering whether a sexless relationship is healthy, you'll first want to understand what's causing it: Examine your relationship from a few different angles. Are you feeling too busy and struggling to find time for intimacy, or does it feel like your emotional connection with your partner is fading?

Life is busier than usual.

When life gets in the way, you might find that you're not as close to your partner as you used to be. Sometimes, we simply fall out of the habit. "This happens more often than you might think. Some event like an illness or a new baby will interrupt the couple’s normal sexual schedule, supposedly temporarily, but sexual relations just don’t resume," says Isadora Alman, a board-certified sex and marriage therapist. Mental health issues, like depression or anxiety, can also impact sexual desire and libido.

You've become parents.

If sex stops once children enter the picture, some couples find it challenging to view their partners as sexual beings rather than just parents of their kids. Postpartum depression, which can affect both parents, can also have an impact on desire for sex. "The sexual drought continues and, quite commonly, nobody brings the topic up until it becomes critical to one or the other. This situation can last for years." When sex is seen as a chore, it's important that both partners make time to be intimate. After all, sex is an essential part of connecting with the one you love most—and getting back in bed together can be exciting after some time away.

Your desires have changed.

In other cases, a sexless relationship comes in different forms. One partner may no longer feel turned on by the other, or they may not desire sex because they're attracted to someone else. "The complainer usually gives a 'reason,' such as the partner’s weight gain or unwillingness to engage in the type of sex [they] prefer," says Alman. "A person can learn to love the partner again by focusing on what is loveable, what originally turned them on, or what might be changed that might reawaken love and desire."

There are also couples who never treated sex as a key component of love to begin with, and they may view their partner as a companion rather than a romantic mate. Some people are fine with living in a sexless relationship; the key is ensuring that both partners are on the same page. On the contrary, other couples lose sexual desire for one another after infidelity. Broken trust can also break the desire to be intimate going forward.

Sexless Relationship vs. a "Drought"

A sexless relationship and a sex drought are not always the same, explains Elizabeth Overstreet, a relationship strategist—and paying attention to the circumstances outlined above will help you understand the differences between the two. Most of the time, couples deal with the latter, she says. "Let's put things in the context of the difference between a sexless relationship and a drought," she explains. "Statistically, according to a 2014 study of Relationships in America, 12 percent of couples 18 to 60 reported not having sex for at least three months prior to the study. What that is saying to me is that most people are having sex enough that is normal for their relationship, but in some instances, there is a subset where this time may linger more."

A sexless relationship might involve much longer periods between sex. To determine whether you're dealing with a truly sexless relationship or a more common drought, ask yourself these questions, poses Overstreet:

• Do you have multiple kids or a newborn? This can factor into disruption in sleep, increased responsibilities for the parents, etc., which can put sex on the back burner. Having a child can impact your sex life for a year or longer, Overstreet adds.
• What is your natural or normal sexual cadence? Some couples may experience periods where they have lots of sex, but then have cooling periods where they are less active. "Sex can have an ebb and flow and as long as the flow is continual, some periods where there is a drought can happen," says Overstreet. "Job changes, moving, the passing of a family member, medical issues, etc. can also be things that can impact your sexual levels in a relationship."
• Are you hyper-fixating on sex because it is something that makes you feel connected to your partner? If this is the case, it's important to speak with your partner to determine what is causing the disconnect.

The Importance of Sex in a Relationship

While many of us love sex for its obvious physical benefits, it's also an important part of connecting emotionally with our partners. Many people view the desire and frequency of sex with their mate as an analysis of how healthy the relationship is. When we're intimate with our partners, we strengthen a unique emotional bond that comes with being physically close to one another. But how often we have sex doesn't always measure our happiness—and like all other things in love, our desires can only be defined by ourselves.

"I think often what is being asked when the 'how important is sex' question is posed is: 'How often should my partner and I have sex in order to be considered normal?'" says Alman. "Once a year or once a day; if whatever is happening between them is sufficient sex, there is no problem. Asking for outside validation is irrelevant." In other words, as long as both partners are happy, there's no need to compare the frequency of your sex life to others.

When you've suddenly lost the desire or are rarely intimate with each other, this may be an indicator that your connection is fading. "If a couple is celibate because their sexual relationship was unsatisfying or unfulfilling, then it stands to reason that they will experience high levels of sexual dissatisfaction," says Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a professor at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. "[Emotionally], a couple may remain together in a sexless marriage because their partner is their best friend or their 'ideal' partner." That's not to say that you'll be stuck in a sexless relationship forever—if you're not getting what you need, consider discussing the topic with your partner. There are plenty of ways to improve your sex life when you're in a rut.

Decide How Important Sex Is to You

Your happiness in a sexless relationship depends on what you need as an individual. Even if your partner is perfectly fine with less intimacy, your desires are still an important part of keeping a healthy balance. You'll need to assess how important sex is to you before deciding whether your partner can meet your needs.

For some people, sex is an absolute necessity in a relationship. A romantic situation where sex is rarely an option is off the table. For others, having an emotional connection with their partner is enough to sustain a meaningful, successful, and long-lasting connection. Some couples even opt for open relationships to satisfy their sexual needs while being fully committed to each other emotionally.

When it comes to sex in relationships, the bottom line is that you have to decide what's right for you. There are no cookie-cutter answers; it all depends on the importance that you personally place on sex. If you're unhappy in a sexless relationship, try communicating with your partner to express your feelings. You may even seek support from a professional to determine what's holding you back. Relationships are complicated—so having an expert in your corner can help provide the guidance you need to move forward.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Having More Sex

If you reflect on how important sex is to you and determine that you'd prefer to have more of it, there are a few ways to open up about these feelings—constructively—with your partner. As with every other component of your relationship, communication is key. There are a few ways to begin a dialogue, according to Overstreet.

Use these mini scripts as a way to open the door, Overstreet explains—but make sure the conversation takes place in a controlled environment. "Choose a space where it's neutral and comfortable for both of you. And as you listen to one another and have this dialogue, it's important to do so where you are listening to understand as opposed to listening to defend your stance or position," she says. "Trying to see things from the other person's lens can go a long way to providing understanding and connection to get through this difficult moment."

• "I want to discuss something that may feel a bit uncomfortable for both of us. But, I feel it's important to us having a well-rounded and more satisfying relationship. I have noticed that we are not as intimate as we are usually. What are some things that you feel are contributing to this change for us?"
• "I am feeling like we are on two different pages lately. When I attempt to be close to you physically (sexually), I sense you're not interested in doing the same—can you share with me more insights as to maybe something I'm missing that you're facing right now that may be causing this change between us?"
• "When we have sex, it makes me feel closer and more connected to you. But it feels like when I initiate sexual intimacy with you, I'm shut down or it feels like it's pushing you away further. Can you share with me how we can bridge this disconnect and if there is something that is feeling different for you that is creating this space between us?"
• "We haven't had sex for a while and sex has usually been something that comes easier for us. I'm feeling stuck in trying to understand what may be causing this change for us. How do we best work together to shift this dynamic in our relationship?"

Whether or Not You Should Stay in a Sexless Relationship

You've done some self-reflection, constructively communicated with your partner, and you're still not having the amount of sex you want—do you stay if your relationship really is sexless? Unfortunately, this complicated question doesn't have a one-size-fits-all answer. "It truly depends on the two people in the relationship and their dynamics. There is a newer dynamic of people who are asexual, who may have little or no sexual attraction to others, and can approach sexual intimacy in many different spectrums," says Overstreet. "For others, sex can have a historical reference, impacting how they view or act on sexuality based on upbringing, culture, religion, and belief systems."

According to Overstreet, before you decide whether or not to stay, consider speaking with a professional. "The bottom line is that sex is a touchy topic, and if you are in a sexless relationship, it's important, before ending the relationship, to communicate with one another to address the root cause of how you got there—or utilize a therapist who specializes in sexual intimacy," she says. "Not only would it help you in this relationship if you want to work through things, but it would also help you be clearer if you do exit it."

There's really just one clear takeaway: If your needs aren't being met, there's a good chance that the relationship isn't serving you on a personal level. But if you love this person and want to work things out, practice empathy. "It's important to remember that sex, while physical, still connects to an emotional piece," says Overstreet. "Oftentimes, sex can lose its luster if two people are not emotionally on the same page or if a person or individuals in the relationship are battling some inner issues."