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Honestly? Boring, in the best way possible.
Predictable. Stable. Free from the constant “do they really love me/mean what they say” second-guessing. Comfortable. Safe.
You’re able to voice your opinion without being insulted, and you can express your discontent with a situation without worrying whether it will end your relationship. For people who come from a long line of somewhat tumultuous entanglements, like me, it’s a refreshingly monotonous existence.
That doesn’t mean there won’t be surprises or disagreements, just that they don’t usually come with life-altering consequences.
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YES. It's boring sometimes, in the best way possible. Boring is underrated. It's peaceful, secure, and sometimes even lazy. And apparently that is what makes one happy. It sometimes just feels like chilling with your best friend, but for life. There are disagreements and arguments, but it doesn't make me want to run for the hills. And i still feel loved all the time.
Sometimes i say to my partner... Look at us being boring. When we sit next to each other another evening... Him doing watching his crime series and me on Reddit. Than he looks at me and asks me if i am unhappy and we should chance the boring. I always tell him "nope. I like the boring... Never ever have to do my absolute best, pretending to be something i am not etc. And you still love me". He always says something like "ofcourse i am".
I love the boring. I really do. I have adhd so i have trouble with boring sometimes. But than i found out if i want excitement in my life i can make my life exciting. I can find a new hobby and i now he will support me. He always trust me... Doesn't matter what i do. You dont have to rely on a partner for exitement. I like my base, my home to be really stable and boring. Thats my starting point. With a boring home i can do anything.
I love this. ‘With a boring home I can do anything’. A secure base from which to venture out into the world.
This hits. Thanks for sharing
Do you feel inlove all the time too? I'm scared that I will fall out of love if it gets boring..
I feel happy and content all the time, which is something that I've never wholly had before. I know it's a cliche to say that an SO is a huge reason for my happiness, but it's true. It's not just the relationship itself, but how much I've grown in the time we've been together.
To answer your question, yes i do feel completely in love all the time. And when i say "boring", i don't mean a rut. It's more of what I'd call drama-free. I'm free to be whoever i want and do whatever i want, with the knowledge that I'd have complete support of my partner. There's no sneaking around, needing to hide things, suspecting if something is being hidden from, yk that type of stuff. There's no "who is that guy" or "does my partner love me". We still have a good time. Mornings are the best, I like the jokes and talks and laughing before we get out of bed. We meet friends, talk about anything and everything, watch tv and movies, gossip about stuff (ik ik, not a very good habit), go shopping, groceries, etc together. There is never a dull moment. It's just nothing that one would write a book about... it's comfortable and nice, and I greatly enjoy his company. He is not a man of big gestures, but I see the love in everyday small things all the time: he leaves me a bottle of water all the time before bed, he picks up the slack for anything when I'm sick (which i am quite often) as well as tends to me, he asks for my opinions on everything and shares everything with me, he keeps my favourite snacks stacked up, he tells me I'm beautiful everyday (there's different types of compliments of how I'm looking, from what I've noticed. "You look cute" is when I'm in pajamas and my big ugly glasses, "you look very pretty" with a smile is when i change into casual jeans or everyday clothes and do some everyday makeup, "you look gorgeous" or any other variation of it is for when i get dressed up.) He does tease me quite often, and i do the same to him, our conversations are sometimes a banter and half the time we're giggling like children. It's very much like a good friendship.
I'm aware that overall, it's just a very regular domestic bliss. It's peaceful and happy, and i think peace is underrated. The butterflies go away after a while, and I like being in a relationship where it doesn't have to consume a big part of my mental load all the time. I've done that, and it gets real ugly real fast. I like being the Happily Ever After, than the grand movie itself.
I think the knowledge that you are loved is a very powerful thing. If someone ever makes you feel completely secure in that, it doesn't get better than that.
Edit: sorry I didn't realize how big of a rant i went on about my relationship!
Wow, you made me tear up. Your relationship sounds wonderful, how well you notice his ways and how he cares for you. I dream of this. I'm very happy for you that you've found it. No need to apologize, you wrote about love and that's beautiful!!
I had this - and i broke up after 5 years, bc of my low self esteem that i fwlt i needed to fix, the feeling of needing to find myself, bc of a few things that were missing in my eyes and bc my therapist kept pushing me to do it. Now it's been 4 years. He's been in a new relationship for 3 and i realize that it very probably won't come again for me. I habe to be careful not to self-hate and think "you deserve it for breaking up with this wonderful person and being so greedy. You had your chance and you tossed it." But after 2 shorter situationships and lots of online dating over thirty - the reality of what i've done and lost hits me like a brick wall. It used to be my livinh nightmear for about 3 years. Now i'm slowly healing bc i can't just cry for the rest of my life and i can take the thought without feeling i'm in the deepest, darkest, loneliest abyss and desperate to no end. I guess what i'm saying is: if you have this peaceful love, and you're thinking about it beinh too boring - YOU can change that, don't. break. up.
This. I was with my ex for 13 years. It was hell on earth very abusive in every way. Finally got rid of him but left me in a bad way. I’m an alcoholic. Ptsd anxiety depression. But finally got away from him. Met my new partner and I didn’t know how to act so I kept messing up. But he never left me. Took me ages to realise what is normal and yep boring is normal. And I love it. I’m now nearly 7 months pregnant. Feel healthy Havnt touched a drop of alcohol since start of the year and all my other stuff isn’t such a problem anymore. I now love this life and wouldn’t change a thing.
Yes this is so true. Thank the gods for patient, understanding people that let us adjust and relearn what a relationship is. They must really love us, that statement alone makes me cry.
Thank you so much for sharing! So happy for you three! Bless you!
Well said. The lack of fear and anxiety is boring, but it’s also great. Not being afraid to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, which is impossible to predict, is freeing. You can be yourself without consequences.
I was in one of those relationships where everything seemed good with a few hiccups, for 15 years, although he never expressed himself or took much interest in our children in those years, and then one night he beat the sh*t out of me when I insisted he give a response to my questions about my visa.
That was a surprise for sure!
There are no guarantees in life, at all.
Um what.
Sometimes, after decades of being with someone in a close relationship, you wake up to discover you've been sleeping with someone you don't know at all.
This scares the shit out of me
People like this are the reason I specifically make sure someone talks about their feelings. It scares me when people don’t express themselves because then it builds up to something horrible like this. And sometimes it really is just unpredictable. I am so sorry this happened to you.
I agree. My fiancé and I don't agree on everything and we probably never will. We have opposing opinions on quite a few things However we are able to discuss any topic even if it's uncomfortable (especially earlier on) and have now been together 3.5 years with nary a raised voice. I have made him way more 'woke' and he has made me a bit more realistic.
This is it exactly but I just want to add…
It’s not actually boring. We get our excitement from ~doing things together~ and I get my gossip/drama fix from slagging people off on grand designs 😂
Like i say - boredom is a privilege!
I don’t think it could be described any better than this!
Holy shit you nailed it. Boring really is the way to explain it lol it’s absolute stability. No questions, rarely surprises. You know what you got for the most part and it’s a weird sense of reliability and comfort
Big fax, and I do find the healthy disagreements easy to resolve. Simple as sit down and talkin about it! One of my strategies to avoid nasty arguments with my boyfriend is “time and place”- if we’re gonna get into a difficult conversation, making sure we’ve both eaten, we’re both well-rested and not exhausted from work, and that we’re in a private, comfortable location. These tricks work wonders- nothing helps a difficult conversation more than a clear mind :)
This! It's so wonderfully written.
What I find great about stable and healthy relationships is the ability to be vulnerable and know they aren't going to use it against you.
This.
Also, he loves me unconditionally which is extremely nice. Because I'm not having to constantly deal with the "I will only love you IF..." dance like I did with pretty much every other person in my entire life before him.
Can we switch lifes for a week? Thank you for sharing! Extremely happy for you and your partner! May you have the same strong and healthy bond for years to come!
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So good to hear. Can’t wait
This REALLY helped me. I appreciate it so much! I just got out of a messy abusive relationship and after being in so many I forgot what they’re supposed to be like. Thank you 🙏🏻
Agreed. We have a routine. Cooking together is the highlight of my day but in a good way. We put on some music, talk while we chop, joke around, smack each other’s butts. Then we eat together and watch one of our shows, have some dark chocolate for dessert.
It’s not at all exciting but it makes me incredibly happy, every night.
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Yeah its realy normal and cool 😎
This is it. I’m so happy and feel so secure. I know exactly where I stand
Being in a healthy, non-abusive relationship might feel boring at first. You're waiting for the drama. You're waiting for the abuse to start. You might feel unstable or suspicious. You might draw incorrect conclusions about your partner or pick fights/make comparisons to your ex. You might feel unworthy of being in a stable, healthy relationship.
You have to get used to being treated right and really trust your new partner. All this unhealthy stuff is going to come out of you for months while you process. Your partner needs to be patient and understanding.
Nearly 3 years into my current relationship and I’m still processing. ~20 years of dating the wrong men! My mind always goes to the worst case scenario; lies, betrayal, cheating. It’s a lot of work, and takes patience and time. That’s for sure.
Ah the intrusive thoughts. It’s an everyday thing to remind myself not to always assume the worst.
Also when your own father says to you in your 20’s that I’ll never find love because no one will love me, it’s hard to shake. At 42 I finally found a man who has loved me like no other man has. Granted, we have our ups and downs, too, but he’s not toxic or abusive. He is a good good man.
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That is absolutely true! I was in a toxic relationship for over a decade where I was psychologically abused, which made me learn to walk on eggshels in every other aspect of my life. This was also during my teen years which shaped my behavior a lot, I learned to lie, to not voice my opinions and my thoughts, to hide myself just to avoid fights. So when I finally entered a healthy relationship with my now fiance my behavior did not change, I very much drew incorrect conclusions, talked very little and would get overly defensive, angry and basically mentally prepared for a fight if I felt I might get blamed and accused for something. My fiance knew everything and was very patient and supportive until I fully accepted that I am actually safe with him. It has been four years since I managed to end the toxic relationship, I am still discovering who I acutally am.
I would recommend getting all of that out of your system before getting into such a relationship. It’s not fair to expect the stable person in the relationship to be patient and understanding while the other is unstable, because someone who makes a good partner knows how to uphold boundaries and standards on how they want to be treated. That stable person won’t stick around for months of chaos first. It’s exhausting to deal with a partner being insecure, needlessly suspicious, and throwing around accusations of cheating. What could have been a stable partnership (if the chaotic partner got therapy) turns into a relationship where one partner feels secure and the other person has learned they need to walk on eggshells to navigate their SO’s unpredictable emotions.
I read this and I cried because I'm 30 and I've never experienced this in my life ...
You really do have to get used to it. I'm a few months into a good, healthy relationship with a good and kind person after a 9-year stretch with an abusive ex and honestly, I keep catching myself second-guessing and believing he can't mean what he says, etc. Even though all evidence points to the contrary. I had to start writing down my "proof" to be able to start getting out of my own head. I have a lot of unlearning of behaviours ahead of me. I get annoyed with myself sometimes over (bad) things I expect to happen that don't happen - expecting things to be held over my head when my partner would never do that, for example, is something I'm grappling with. I hope to learn how to fully give him my trust but it will take time and the worst thing about that is none of the issue is him.
Tbh - from someone who went from a horrible marriage to a healthy relationship- you realise daily how hard it was before.
You stop overthinking the little things that you do. You’re amazed at how someone communicates with you. You’re confused when they tell you how they feel and then move forward with you. They don’t guilt you into doing things. They don’t blame you for their behaviour. They don’t make you feel guilty when you haven’t don’t anything. They give you space, not as a punishment but when you need it. They don’t punish you. You don’t wake up wondering where you stand. You feel secure, safe and loved.
Honestly - it’s a world apart.
Crazy how beautiful the "normal" after all this toxic shit is. I am really happy for you 😊
Thank you, kind stranger
I was in an unhealthy relationship and am now married to a great guy in a normal relationship. For an example of how easy it can be. This was a few months after I started dating my now husband, I wanted to leave my car at a friend's, so I could have some drinks. I would get a ride home with someone else but would need him to drive me to my car the next day to pick it up. I called him to ask if that was okay, and he said "yup, no problem". That was the whole conversation and the next day we went to get my car without issue.
If this was my ex, I would have thought too long and too hard about it, I wouldn't have asked, and the next day so as not to bother him I would take a cab to get my car. But then my ex would turn that into a fight about how I didn't ask him, and I always assume the worst of him, and of course he'd love to take me to get my car, but I didn't even ask because I think so little of him. If I had asked him to drop me to my car, he'd have made a huge deal about the time it took, and the gas money and did I really need those extra drinks and two days later I'd take a cab to my car anyway. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Omg I so feel that. I used to walk home in the dark because I couldn’t deal with being told I was an inconvenience.
My new partner offers, actually insists because they want me to be safe.
It’s wild what you tolerate when you think something is the norm.
I’m glad you’re in a better place!
Thank you. Life is so much better now. What I left out was that my bf didn't just say yes no problem, but on the way he was like I can't believe you called to ask, you really don't need to. To this day he's just a reliable, reasonable man I can count on no matter what.
I agree. My first thought was it’s easy. And you realize how much you had to manage the bad relationship, it was always weighing on you.
I wish to experience this so much.
First time being together with a nice partner after leaving an abusive one was.. not all rainbows and sunshine either.
I was so anxious because he wasn’t shouting at me. I didn’t know what to expect, what he was thinking. Nothing like what I was used to. It tortured me for a good month. Sometimes felt very boring too since abusive people are always dramatic about everything. I sometimes tried to start an argument because I couldn’t wait for him to explode.
Once I understood what normal and healthy relationship was supposed to be like, it was so much fun! Felt wanted, cherished, someone actually cared about me. Calming and safe. Gained a lot of confidence because they see the best in you. We never fought. We were honest and always communicate as much as possible to solve whatever problems we had. Would apologize and forgive each other. Best feeling ever.
Abusive relationships activate the same parts of our brain as addiction. Our animal brains crave the adrenaline of conflict and uncertainty and want to mistake it for passion.
I also went through this feeling with my now-husband after dating someone with an untreated cluster A personality disorder. I had to constantly ask for validation that I was doing things right and that he was happy because without the obvious blow ups and reconciliation of the cycle of abuse, I had no ability to discern how he was feeling and was super scared that we weren’t actually happy, just in the “pressure building” stage of the cycle.
Edit: and I have to give my husband a lot of credit because when I came at him with this massive level of insecurity and trauma and told him how it made me feel, he told me that I can always ask him for reassurance. And coming up on 6 years later, it’s still true and I’ve never been made to feel bad about it (though nowadays it is sometimes packaged with some totally-appropriate-for-our-dynamic teasing)
Figures. Not only I doubted his feelings, I wasn’t sure if I actually loved him either. Because yelling felt more passionate like you said. Scary how bad abuse can mess someone up.
I’m glad you met someone you truly deserve!
My brain is always quick to put “love” on to relationships. The problem was differentiating between “I love this person because they are a good partner for me” and “I love this person because they get me high on uncertainty.”
I feel like I mostly got lucky but the difference makes me want to go back and hug my past self and tell her how good it feels in the long term, even if it’s not as exciting in the short term.
Peaceful. Comforting. Safe.
However, if you come from a toxic relationship, you're going to have to UNLEARN TOXIC DEFENSES. I did. I still do, 10 years later. It's hard. It's worth it.
We don't fight. Ever. We have disagreements but we never yell or get in each other's faces, I am never accused of being crazy for worrying about something that bothered me, I am never worried about being shut out or ignored, there is a LOT of communication. I left my ex/daughter's dad 10 years ago, a year later I met my current partner/son's dad. It is night and day in so many ways.
It really is, my mom was verbally abusive growing up and screamed at me a lot. My husband comes from a family that’s gets louder when they’re excited or upset. We don’t disagree often as he’s typically an overly reasonable guy but he noticed the second time we disagreed that I was shutting down when his voice hit a certain volume so we talked about it. He has since stopped and intentionally modulates his voice so that I don’t shut down when we disagree. I also know it wasn’t just an excuse to yell because I’ve watched his family together and when it’s not happening to me, I can tell that there’s nothing malicious or hurtful there, they just get loud.
what were some of your toxic defenses? im worried about having them as i recently left
what are some toxic defenses? just curious
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My daughter is 3. I left my abusive alcoholic ex last year. Life is so amazing now. Still prob dealing with the trauma he caused but I’m in therapy and things are great And I’m really happy. Hoping I’ve met someone that’s great too. I hate that I’m on the lookout for toxicity. Im don’t see it so I over analyze stuff because I don’t trust myself to beleive what my new BF tells me. But his actions match his words so hopefully things will be good.
I was just thinking the same. My kiddo is almost 2, I left her dad 4 months ago.... it's nice to think there might be something better for me out there.
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You flourish. Literally become a completely upgraded version of yourself because you are safe and supported in doing so.
I like to compare making the transition from an unhealthy relationship -> healthy relationship to those videos of abandoned and abused dogs who get adopted. In an unhealthy relationship, you are angry, suspicious, and paranoid. Nothing is stable and you don’t even recognise yourself.
In a healthy relationship, the opposite happens. You have the space and stability to become a happier, more confident person. You’re with someone who always has your back and will support you as you get all the tools you need to grow. The end result is like the mangy, biting dogs in the videos who, with the right about of love and care, become amazing family dogs.
(In my experience, this also happens when you transition into a healthy relationship with YOURSELF)