Legends of ‘93
What day is it?
Would it fly today?
Matthew Walter argues which Elder class outshines them all. see Faculty Features - pg. 4
Our annual attempt to write fake stories just for fun. see April Fools - pgs. 8,9,16
A peek at a true Quill classic from the 70s - Sappy Dick. see From the Archives- pg. 11
Published by the Students of Elder High School
Volume 89 Number 7
Prom is back on
March 31, 2021 The Syndicate in Newport will again host the Elder Prom for seniors only on April 10, 2021
Gus Middendorf ‘21 Co-Editor in Chief
About one year ago, in the beginning
of March 2020, juniors and seniors at Elder were gearing up for the densely event-packed springtime. As always, a tidal wave of school-sanctioned occasions approached the upcoming fourth quarter: The Walk, Elderfest, Klusman Day of Service - and, of course, prom. What then happened is known to everyone, and the new Covid restrictions shut down any chance of a school prom, just as eager would-be-dancers asked dates and measured up for tuxes and made prethen-post prom arrangements. For the first time in recent history, prom would have to wait a year. So now, one year later, with vaccines ramping up in distribution and cases starting to flatline, prom is back on. Formerly revealed by Mr. Flaherty during AM announcements, the Elder prom will take place Saturday, April 10th at the Newport Syndicate’s Grand Ballroom. Running from 8-11 PM, students can expect the classic Elder prom experience: tuxes, dresses, dancing, and taking plenty of pictures. Even more exciting, though, is that cost of attendance will be absolutely free. Normal years usually run up a ticket price of hefty $50 or so, but this year, Mr. Ruffing decided that students who lost last year’s dance should have no barriers to getting such a classic high school experience, covering the cost for all seniors wanting to go. Unfortunately, though, Covid is still a real and present danger, so the dance will look a little different than normal. According to Student Council moderator Mr. Quatman, masks will be required to attend, and must be worn when close to others. Despite some restrictions, senior panthers are still determined to have a great
time at what will be their first and only Elder prom experience, as Mikal Steers ’21 puts it: “Even with all the protocols I think it’s going to be a lot of fun, especially because we didn’t have one last year.” “I’m super excited for prom,” says another senior, Jack Willenborg. He adds that he’s “been waiting two whole years for this. After seeing what proms are like in movies, it’s gonna be electric.” Besides the hype around dances in general, many students are particularly excited about who Mrs. Tuttle announced
to be the DJ: the famed T-Bird. To those who once attended the popular “teen nights” of Three Rivers Swim Club back in their grade school days, the name evokes nostalgia and pure joy. Although now retired from the particular gig, T-Bird famously DJ’d the wild teen nights every summer, so for many students his return is a godsend. “T-Bird is the man,” Holden Nichols ‘21 plainly says, along with that “I remember when that king would get our 14-year-old selves hyped to ‘Sandstorm’
So you want to be a student newspaper moderator? Mr. Rogers ‘75 Purple Quill Moderator
“These are the times that try men’s souls...”
The great Thomas Paine has nothing on
yours truly. I am a journalism moderator who finds himself with a skeletal crew of less than 10 writers, facing increasingly warm spring days in a season following a year where we faced a pandemic for the first time in over a century. The odds on getting enough material to fill the pages of this hallowed rag are increasing even as I type these words. I have sent seven emails to the perpetrators whose articles are still missing; albeit these were due almost a week ago. My digital pleas are falling on deaf ears more focused on video games, the NCAA tourney, spring sports fever and a general senioritis. What can I do to fill column
inches? As I sat in my room in the Schaeper Center, I lamented over this hole at the bottom of the front page - how can I fill it in an interesting way? Well, here you go - THE PANTHER PHOTO SEARCH. Where on our campus can you find this image? Maybe this will strike a cord with my staff members and one will step up in the remaining issues to provide subsequently intriguing and certainly better and more interesting photos. Maybe not. The answer to this last-minute space-filling visual quiz is posted on page 2.
and ‘Lip Gloss.’ I know he’ll bring the energy for prom.” Speaking of the dance floor, senior Jacob Jeremiah says he’s ready to show his moves. “I’m a natural, what can I say,” he boasts, adding “I’ve been known for hitting a dangerous worm since the eighth grade, and I’m not stopping now.” He also admits he’s excited to see Marco Sabato get on the floor, as he claims he’s been waiting to see the “Italian Stallion rip the dance floor.” Sadly, though, it looks like the juniors will have to wait a year for their shot to dance at the Syndicate. Mr. Quatman explains that, although he would love to have the juniors come like every year, the capacity limit (reduced by Covid) gets in the way. The dance will definitely look different without the juniors, but thankfully it is happening, which beats many high schools around the nation. So, ask your dates, get your tux fitted at Brogan’s or Ramundo’s, and prepare for a night you won’t forget.
Inside The Quill
Opinion....................................... 2,3 Faculty Features............................ 4 Student Features......................... 5,6 Alumni Features............................ 7 April Fools............................ 8,9,16 Sports................................ 10,12,13 From the Archives....................... 11 News............................................ 14 Arts & Entertainment.................. 15 Where can you find this pattern on the Elder Campus?
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Wednesday March 31, 2021
Opinion
Senioritis - from a junior POV
Ranking Elder lunch items
Josh Huff ‘22 Staff Writer
Nick Tedesco ‘22 Staff Writer
experiencing in twelve short months. However, as a junior, seeing the debilitating effects of such a disease is painful. The contrast in attitude and motivation from 11th to 12th grade is truly fascinating. Junior year is all about going pedal to the metal: get good grades, take the ACT and SAT, and set yourself up for what life after Elder looks like. Seniors on the other hand, have gone through said process, and want to coast through their final months at 3900 Vincent Avenue. It’s understandable, junior year is hard, and even though I am not even in the thick of the college application process, I know that it is a tiring, and tumultuous process. I have seen the affects of senioritis creep in among my cohorts slowly but surely. It is perhaps most evident every time I go to track practice. I have run with the same group of guys for three years now, and through those countless miles on the roads, grass, and at the PAC, I have gotten to know all of them pretty darn well. One of the most dedicated and avid runners I know is senior Brandon Vetter. Brandon, who served as a co-captain of
school lunch is not the pinnacle of good food. But how does Elders lunch hold up? Price and taste will be the main way I judge the food, but taste is the most important. Ahead of everything else Elder offers the best of the best; we have the pepperoni pizza. Not only is it relatively affordable, it is also a solid pizza with good crust and good pepperoni. Overall, it isn’t the best pizza I’ve ever had but it is definitely the most solid pizza I’ve had at school. However, the pizza does have the same aftertaste as a communion cracker. Not good. Stay tuned for an investigative story about Elder’s pizza and communion crackers sharing ingredients. Second, is the classic incredible Bosco Sticks. Bosco sticks have fantastic flavor, plenty of cheese. But one thing is holding it back and that is the thick price tag. Three dollars for two breadsticks stuffed with cheese is simply too much money for too little food. Other items are cheaper and have more food. However, Bosco Sticks do win for the best taste you can get. Nothing will beat the soft cheesy buttery taste of a Bosco Stick. Truly some excellent cuisine. Third, the burrito. There are many different kinds of burritos but truly they are all the same to me, get what you want is a great thing not every school offers. Being able to get what you want on your burrito for a reasonable price is not something to be overlooked. The solid tortilla and good ingredients make the burrito stick out among the other options. Not to mention that the burrito is plenty of food, I can’t imagine a more solid pick. However, by burrito standards it isn’t better than what you can get at a fast-food place, and overall, it isn’t the best thing I’ve ever tasted. So, it stands at third place. Fourth on my list is the chicken sandwich. My personal favorite, but admittedly not the best. The chicken sandwich does not deserve the title of spicy chicken; it is some of the mildest chicken I’ve ever had. It also doesn’t come with lettuce or tomato (what I would expect given the price) like most chicken sandwiches, however it is still a solid pick as it has good taste and texture (though a little overpriced). Fifth, the salads. The salads are actually very good by school lunch standards. Any other salad I’ve had at another school was absolutely atrocious so it’s good to see some care be put into this item. Salads are healthy (not to be overlooked as most things offered are not particularly good for you) but as it is a salad it is very expensive making it hard to justify among cheaper options that taste just as good. But if you’re looking for a healthy meal the salads are the way to go. Sixth are the deserts (cookies, muffins, etc.) All deserts are solid picks. Most all of them are reasonably priced being under a dollar, they all taste pretty good. But I don’t find myself picking up cookies very often, and it has to be said that the free Elder cookies given out not good. So unfortunately, they will be number five. Seventh is the cheeseburger. I would put this higher if there was any substance to the burger at all. It is inferior to almost everything else offered for lunch. It has little taste, the texture is not appetizing, and it is far too overpriced. If you pick the burger over anything higher up on this list it’s time to change your ways and upgrade to a better item. Overall, I give Elders lunch a 6/10, a big improvement from the 3/10 I gave to Oak Hills. Elder has a very solid menu with solid food. Good man Elder, good man.
the cross country team has never lacked zeal or passion when it comes to putting the foot on the pavement. However, in recent months I have noticed a change within Brandon. He seems to have lost some of that fervor for running. When I asked him if what I had observed was true, he hit me with this zinger, “It’s not that I don’t enjoy running anymore, because I do…I always will. Track just isn’t really my thing, and when you’ve been doing the same thing for the past three and a half years, it gets a bit redundant. You’ll understand next year, trust me.” I was quite perturbed by Brandon’s statement. Could I actually lose the passion that takes such precedence in my life? “I remember thinking that I wouldn’t have this attitude last year too, but it just kind of creeped up on me I guess,” Vetter remarked. While I don’t want to go through such a wretched disease, If Brandon can, so can I. Senioritis can obviously have an effect on extracurriculars such as sports, but what about when it comes to the classroom? Does senioritis truly affect the learning capabilities of those that it afflicts? The answer: yes. Sometimes this symptom shows up later in the year, and for some it shows up in August or September. Nevertheless, most seniors experience some degree of senioritis in the classroom. Even valedictorian of the senior class, Matthew Walter has experience with it. When I asked him what his schedule looked like on any particular odd bell day, his answer was not shocking. “Well, I played Mario Kart in Wahlert, then I played even more Mario Kart in Weinheimer. Then I had a test in stats. It was a productive day to say the least.” Now, If Matthew Walter, a kid who has hit the books hard for the past three years can fall into the trap of senioritis, then I think just about anyone can. So, while I think some degree of senioritis is normal and healthy, too much of it can trickle down from the seniors to the juniors, the sophomores, to even the freshman.
High school lunches are notorious for being unappetizing. It goes without saying that
Answer to PANTHER PHOTO SEARCH: The pattern shown in the photo is from the new booth seating in the Schaeper Center MPR. Inhabitants of the nearby rooms like to call it the Schaeper Café or Dave’s Place.
Senioritis- we all know it is a thing, and quite frankly a disease that I look forward to
The Purple Quill
The Purple Quill is published nine times per academic year by the students enrolled in the Journalism class at Elder High School. Content is determined by the staff and does not necessarily reflect the opinions or policies of Elder High School’s faculty, administration or student body. Signed editorials and columns reflect the views of the writer. Letters to the editor and guest commentaries are encouraged and must be signed, although anonymity can be granted on a case by case basis. The staff reviews letters to the editor, advertising and guest commentaries and reserves the right to edit and refuse material. Reasons can include length, clarity, libel, obscenity, material disruption of the educational process at Elder High School or violation of copyright laws.
“Give students the freedom of expression and soon everyone will want it.” Co-Editors in Chief: Gus Middendorf ‘21, Gus Schlomer ‘21 Faculty Adviser Mr. Gary Rogers
Faculty Adviser Emeritus Mr. Edward Menkhaus ‘63
Graphics Editor Matthew Walter ‘21
Video Editor Adam W. Duwel ‘21
Staff Writers Joshua Huff ‘22 Lukas Marlman ‘21 Nick Tedesco ‘22 Seth Trischler ‘22
Wednesday March 31, 2021
Opinion 3
Mike Brown messes up free agency…again
Matthew Walter ‘21 Graphics Editor
The Bengals are the only team in NFL history to never have a general manager.
That was fine and dandy when their de facto GM was Paul Brown, the guy who invented the forward pass, but ever since Mike Brown took over the franchise, the Bengals have just been a steaming, hot pile of garbage. It’s odd: when you don’t have a football guy in charge you don’t make good football decisions. So, when the Bengals massively flubbed free agency, it wasn’t much of a surprise. Under Mike Brown, the Bengals have been one of the cheapest teams in the NFL. No modern stadium, no indoor facility, no trades, no re-signing players, and no free agency. This means that when players like Carl Lawson and William Jackson III prepared to enter free agency, there was little to no attempt to keep them in town. Luckily for the Bengals, there exists the franchise tag: you just pay the player and he’s forced to stick around. Logic would dictate that the Bengals would use the franchise tag on Lawson. Instead, they opted to let him hit the open market, saving the money for…absolutely nobody. Joe Thuney, one of the best offensive linemen on the market and an Ohio kid who grew up just 50 miles away from Paul Brown Stadium, was a no-brainer target for the Bengals. Instead, the Bengals lowballed him, scaring him away from what was supposedly his preferred destination. Kevin Zeitler, yet another top guard, was drafted by the Bengals in 2012. Despite apparently showing interest, the Bengals yet again lowballed him, and he signed with the divisional rival Ravens. Carl Lawson, a player who the Bengals had ample opportunities to re-sign, ended up signing with the New York Jets after (you guessed it) the Bengals were unwilling to guarantee him enough money. Just a couple hours later, the Bengals agreed with Trey Hendrickson on a contract almost identical to Lawson’s.
This was an absolutely horrific chain of events for the Bengals front office. Even if the initial plan was to get red of Lawson and Hendrickson is not just a rebound, the Bengals should have tagged and traded Lawson. There was obviously some demand for him. They also massively overpaid for Hendrickson. Yeah sure, he had 13.5 sacks last year, but that was on a confident defense that had Cameron Jordan drawing double teams. With the absolute void of talent that is the Bengals front seven, Hendrickson will see far fewer opportunities. Hendrickson only has one good season under his belt. Over his first three seasons, he only notched 6.5 sacks altogether. His career statistics are either less than or equal to those of Lawson. Yet, both players will make the same annual salary. Replacing good players with overpaid mediocre players seemed to be the plan for the Bengals’ front office this year, as they decided to sign cornerbacks Chidobe Awuzie and Mike Hilton to multi-year deals instead of re-signing William Jackson. You would think they would learn their lesson about overpaying free agent corners after their marquee free agency signing from 2020, Trae Waynes did not play a single snap last season and their other free agent corner, Mackensie Alexander, was trash. A few days later, they had their sole positive day of free agency. They finally signed an offensive lineman, Riley Reiff, ending the horrific Bobby Hart era. They also found a trade partner for poor Ryan Finley and cut Geno Atkins. News also broke that the Bengals had offered Kenny Golladay, the top free agent remaining, a one-year contract. Fans were rightfully excited about the prospect of pairing Joe Burrow with one of the top wide receivers in the NFL and even got #GollaDEY to number one in US Twitter trending. But of course, good ole Mike Brown learned absolutely nothing and decided to lowball Golladay, who ended up signing with the Giants, despite wanting to play with Joe Burrow. To sum up, most infants could make better football decisions than Mike Brown. If you’re such a cheapskate that you can’t hire a general manager, maybe - just maybe - you shouldn’t be in charge of an NFL franchise.
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Wednesday March 31, 2021
Faculty Features
Elder’s most legendary graduating class Matthew L. Walter ‘21 Graphics Editor
Since the dawn of time, people have
wondered which Elder graduating class is the best. Which class rose above the rest to claim the title of Elder’s most legendary? Well, the answer is actually pretty obvious. The class of ‘93 is, without doubt, Elder’s best, and it’s not even close. What other graduating classes can honestly say that they produced legends like Coach Tierney and Coach James (and, to a lesser extent, Mr. Weinheimer)? What other class can claim that it produced SIX state championships’ worth of coaches? What other class also produced the team physicians for both Elder and the Bengals? That’s right, not a single one.
Only the class of 1993 was this profoundly affected by its time at Elder. These men’s four short years at Elder were enough to make them eventually come back and dedicate their lives to the school. What were these experiences, who were these people that allowed for Tierney, Weinheimer, and James to return to Elder? Early on, teaching was the last job Mr. Tierney would have wanted. “I remember being a freshman in study hall and a senior said, ‘I’m going to be a math teacher,’ and I thought why would you want to do that. Don’t be stupid.” However, the next three years at Elder made his opinion on teaching take a 180. “Once I became a senior,” he said, “I knew I wanted to teach in general.” Weinheimer voiced a similar sentiment: “I didn’t really get the bug to teach
“I could definitely see Mr. Tierney being a teacher. Mr. James was just a loose cannon.” - Mr. Weinheimer
Mr. Tierney in 1993
till right after I graduated, not while I was a student here.” Looking back in hindsight, however, they were obvious fits for teaching jobs. “[Mr. Weinheimer’s] and [Mr. James’s] personalities, their friendliness, their general demeanors would certainly suit teaching,” said Mr. Tierney. Mr. Weinheimer said, “I could definitely see Mr. Tierney being a teacher. Mr. James was
You recognize this guy.
just a loose cannon.” What caused them to change their minds? For both, the incredible teachers they had here encouraged them to follow similar career paths. “The reason I’m an English teacher is Mr. Buchanan and Mr. Acito,” Mr. Weinheimer said. “I really enjoyed English classes and I kinda wanted to pass that on. I wanted to have an impact on students like they had on me.” For Mr. Tierney, it was former religion teacher, Mr. Darnell who inspired him to teach. “When I was in college,” Tierney said, “Mr. Darnell invited me to stay involved with retreats. Throughout my college years, I was still involved with Elder senior retreats.”
“When I was in college Mr. Darnell invited me to stay involved with retreats. Throughout my college years, I was still involved with Elder senior retreats.” - Mr. Tierney Where their paths differ, however, is the road they took to get back to Elder. For Mr. Tierney, the path was incredibly straightforward. He said, “When I was doing my student teaching at Moeller, I was contacted by other teachers. Mr. Darnell was shifting out of the religion department, which opened up a spot as a religion teacher, and I got the job.” For Mr. Weinheimer, the road could not have had more twists and turns. “It was a long road,” he said. “I started in a small Catholic school. Then, I moved to Louisville, and I jumped into public education for 14 years. Towards the end of my time at Colerain, I really started looking back at Elder. Then everything fell into place.” For these men, it was destiny to end up back here at Elder. “I got so many good memories. I loved my high school experience,” said Mr. Tierney.
Wednesday March 31, 2021
Student Features 5
Siler commits to swim for Transylvania University Adam W. Duwel ‘21 Video Editor
Elder Senior, Kaden Siler has decided
where he will spend the next four years of his academic and swimming life. Transylvania University is the institution that will get Siler. Siler has been swimming all four years at Elder. Kaden started his swimming career in third grade when he realized that he didn’t want to play basketball anymore. “My mom said I had to do something in the winter. So, I started to swim for OHYA a swim club at Oak Hills.” Kaden fell in love with swimming the moment he started with the club. As high school started to approach, Kaden knew that he wanted to swim for Elder.
Guys that are a year ahead of him encouraged him to continue swimming into high school and that is just what he did. Elder Swimming has a lot of traditions, Kaden fell in love with the atmosphere and the overall Elder Swimming Program. During Kaden’s senior season he was named a team captain. Kaden had this to say about being named a team captain, “The underclassmen really look up to me and trust me to lead this team in the right direction and continue the legacy laid by the guys ahead of me.” During his career Kaden made it to districts all four years, “Being able to say I made it to districts all four years, not a lot of people can say that.” Kaden’s favorite memory swimming for Elder was
Siler is a rare achiever in Elder swimming history, qualifying for districts all four years.
winning Best of the West during his junior year. That year the Aqua Panthers edged out Oak Hills by only a couple of points. Kaden never really thought about swimming in college until one of his teammates encouraged him to put his times up on a racing website to see if any college coaches would reach out, expressing interest. Transylvania University was
“My mom said I had to do something in the winter.” -Kaden Siler Siler, a senior captain looks on as his teammates compete.
one of the colleges that reached out to Kaden in January of junior year. “Coach Keaton Koukis from Transy; she was the best. She sold me right away about their academic programs mostly and their pre-physician assistant program and the opportunity to swim another four years, because I am not ready to give it (swimming) up.” The swimming facilities are one of the best in Division Three and the coaching staff are some of the nicest people I have met, according to Siler. Transylvania University is in Lexington, Kentucky and has about 1,000 students enrolled. The swim team is Division 3 and is a part of the Heartland Conference.
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Student Features
Wednesday March 31, 2021
The mysterious disappearance of the cafeteria pickles Lukas Marlman ‘21 Staff Writer
When I was a freshman here at Elder,
I remember walking into the cafeteria and seeing the pickles all alone in their container. I picked one up and took in all aspects of it, the quarter cut pickle was flimsy and seedy. But most importantly it was JUICY, that’s the difference between a good pickle and a great pickle. Just as Gus Middendorf ‘21 who says, “It was the highlight of my day, and is the reason why I like pickles now.” He went on, “I would get one everyday and two on Fridays.” This is perfect as many students felt the same way including me! But coming back to the new school year of ‘20 –‘21 the famous and uplifting pickles were nonexistent. As I walked into the cafeteria on August 18, I remember going through my lunch routine; setting my lunch down on the table and then walking to get two pickles. But one thing wasn’t right, I didn’t see the container that held the veggies and the famous pickles. So, I knew something was up, but what that was I could only imagine. Could it be a non-bountiful harvest of cucumbers the previous picking season or could it be that pickles were the key for a third eye sight. Well maybe not, but one
could only hope. However, upon further investigation I found that there was only one major factor for the no show pickles. That major decider…you guessed it… your new neighbor…Covid-19. Scott Sullivan, the man who makes things happen for the Elder cafeteria said that the reason for the no show pickles was strictly due to Covid. However, when I asked him if they were gone for good he reassured me by stating the pickles should be back next year. While I won’t be here to see that day, it puts my mind at rest to know future generations of Elder grads won’t be without pickles. Being a pickle type of guy myself I found it easy to talk with Mr. Sullivan as he too is a pickle man. We both like our pickles just like many others here at Elder, but one thing some won’t understand is what he said, “They just don’t get the west side.” As a hot pickle admirer, Sullivan gets what the west side is all about, unlike “corporate” as he would say. If it was up to him hot pickles, hamburger style pickles, full pickles, and the OG quarter cut pickles would all be in service. But corporate is corporate and they will have their way. Mr. Sullivan and I understand that full and quarter cut are the best type of pickles
but we cannot forget about the hamburger style pickles as well. However, to fully understand the loss of our beloved pickles, we have to take a look into Elder and its students and faculity who lived by them. Chris Muller ‘21 exclaims with a gloomy look on his face, “My burgers are plain!” Pickles were an iconic staple planted in the heart of the lunchroom, for many to come feast on its fruitful gifts. Like myself Chris too would acquire a pickle after lunch ended, a “drive by” as Chris explains it. “I’d only drive by one pickle, so that others are able to have some.” Pickles not only are breathtaking and tasty but they also hold a good deal of health benefits for our bodies. From Vitamin A to Vitamin K to Potassium to strengthening the cell and reducing cell damage. Personally, I ate pickles before every sports game I had in order to stay at 100% and without any muscle cramps. As in a 2010 research study by North Dakota State University (Department of Health, Nutrition, and Exercise Sciences) it was found that a pickle, “inhibits electrically induced muscle cramps in hypohydrated humans.” Meaning that pickles have a greater chance to reduce muscle cramps, and I can attest to this. Along with many other pros and cons
it is apparent that the pickled cucumbers hold a superiority when it comes to bodily health. To see a full list of pros and cons of eating pickles and or pickled food, check out fitnessmind.org. Not only students of Elder and Mr. Sullivan are being affected by the MIA pickles, as Elder’s own facility is hurting as well. Mr. Tierney, a pickle seeker and pickle man used to grab a pickle or two a day, but this year he hasn’t even stepped foot in the lunch room. Which just further proves that the pickles of Elder’s cafeteria were more than just pickles. Mr. Tierney told me that he liked the idea of the condiment and veggie container where the pickles, tomatoes, onions, etc. were held. But as the physical appearance of said container isn’t here, we can only live by our memories of such a gleaming vessel. However, we are Elder and Altiora (To strive for the higher things) is our motto, and that is exactly what we are going to and must do. Mr. Tierney told me, “It’s just another pain in the rear end.” Which proves the missing pickles have made many here at Elder upset and longing for their return. But as stated before, the pickles are promised to make a strong comeback next year, and on top of that the premade salads are returning as well. Many don’t know but Mr. Scott Sullivan reads and takes suggestions from The Purple Quill, a real fan of the paper indeed. During our interview he told me that he tries his best to take every suggestion, but he has his limits due to the well-known word…corporate. However, he has found that premade salads and bottled tea are a new hot seller for Elder’s cafeteria and in return he states they are here to stay. So, if you are a salad head and a tea drinker on top of a pickle person your set! Every lunch is a match made in heaven for you if you desire these items. We both speculated that this is because we live in a world were convenience is key, and convenience is what we will get! Lastly, I want to end this article by saying my time here at Elder was enhanced due to the quarter cut pickles at every lunch. Seeing no pickles this year made me sad and left me questioning if I’d get through it without the juiciness of my green friends. Even though I always have a pickle strapped in my lunch box, it’s just not the same without the former choices at the Elder cafeteria condiment tray.
Wednesday March 31, 2021
Alumni Features 7
Elder Alumni Feature: Greg Mecher ‘94 Adam W. Duwel ‘21 Video Editor
Growing up on the west side, and Delhi
in particular, Elder was the obvious choice for Greg Mecher. “Elder was always going to be the place I went,” says Mecher. But the question of where he would end up later in life was still very much in the air. The Mecher family ties to Elder dates back only a generation with Mecher’s father and his twin brother graduating from Elder in the Spring of 1967. Mecher’s mother has been a teacher at Our Lady of Victory on Neeb Road for over 30 years Mecher’s time at Elder included meeting lifelong friends and graduating with our own Alumni Director Mr. Bill. Mecher credits history teacher Mr. Dan Hilvert ‘64 for getting him interested in politics during his time at Elder. “I gave him a tour of the capitol years ago when he came to DC to visit, so it was full circle for me.” Mr. Hilvert taught at Elder for 46 years, retiring in 2016. In a 2016 article by Bobby Wynn ‘16 he said, “Mr. Hilvert pushed his students to think for themselves, which is a quality many students will miss out at Elder and for future classes to come.” Mecher was on the staff of The Purple Quill during his time at Elder. The moderator at the time was Mr. Bob Beemon ’72. Mecher credits Beemon for making him look at his future in a more serious tone as his time at Elder was winding down and the possibilities of life started to truly open. After Elder, Mecher headed to Northern Kentucky University where
he graduated with a radio and television production degree and a political science minor. During his senior year at NKU he ran for student government and was elected presidenr. During his time as President of NKU’s Student Government, Mecher was able to be exposed to powerful people in the political world and was able to land an internship in Washington DC. Mecher started his internship with Representative Ken Lucas of the Fourth District in Kentucky. Lucas served three terms from 1999 to 2005, promising his constituents that he would only run for three terms. Mecher’s job with Representative Lucas last only a week when he was given Ken Lucas’ daughter’s job as a scheduler for a congressman from Mississippi. The job offer took place after the two were playing softball against each other. “It was a case of being in the right place at the right time for me.” Since then, Mecher has served in various capacities during his time in DC. Most notably serving as the Chief of Staff to the General Services Administration during the Obama White House. The General Services is a branch of the US Government that basically keeps track of everything that is owned by the US Government ranging from buildings, properties and fleets. Greg Mecher’s wife is Jan Psaki, the current press secretary of the Biden Administration. Greg and Jan have been married since 2010 and met while working in DC. With Jan being gone most of the time due to the workload that is put on a press secretary, especially during a pandemic, Greg has had to become a full-time dad to their two children who are two and five years old. Mecher was still working on
Elder Grad Greg Mecher ‘94 with wife (current Biden Press Secretary) Jan Paski.
Capitol Hill until the Inauguration in January working for Senator Joe Kennedy as his Chief of Staff for eight years. Kennedy ran for reelection and lost. When Mecher left Elder, he had no idea what he wanted to do. When he left NKU he had a passion to get to DC but didn’t know how he was going to get there. “If you want them (the things you are passionate about) you are going to find a way,” says Mecher, who gave some words of advice to me. The best thing about be-
ing a kid just graduated from college; “No kids, no wife, no mortgage, no one tying you down to one place.” Mecher took a lot of leaps of faith to get to where he is today. He never envisioned that he would be married to the Press Secretary to an Acting President but he put in the work, found connections and gave it everything he has to be the best version of himself.
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Thursday April 1, 2021
April Fools
Leaked information reveals secret Elder mafia Gus Middendorf ‘21 Co-Editor in Chief
Many think Elder is a safe place to
learn, hang out, and grow as young men; however, below the seemingly innocuous disguise of Elder high is a dark underbelly of corruption, crime, and scandal. Last Friday, on the overcrowded lost and found table, a silver flash drive was found by an anonymous student. A folder found within the drive titled “sweet dunks” (likely named so to throw off investigation) contained what could only be described as evidence of a student-run criminal organization: one with a dress code of fedoras and black suits. Not everything on the drive could be leaked, as it was quickly seized by Elder security after word got around the Y-Lunch cafeteria, yet documents and photographs secretly secured by The Quill reveal some disturbing information. Within a Word document titled “EVIL MAFIA PLANS FOR 4th QTR DONT OPEN PLZ” investigators found detailed plans of what seems to be a thorough list
of plans to manipulate and control key parts of Elder. While many entries on the list are written in mysterious mafia terms (for example, Number 14 shows a desire to “make Mr. Quatman sleep with the fishes”), others are horrifyingly clear as to what’s gonnna go down: “Number 14: Make sure the chef knows to put gabagool on the lunch menu.” “Number 19: Get Don Wahlert in Congress.” Aside from this and other documents, the original folder also contained a number of photographs supposedly of mafia activities and members. Of the few that The Quill managed to view, one clearly shows senior Marco Sabato sporting a suspicious fedora—all the while throwing up what Quill expert analysists call “definite mafia gang signs.” For student and longtime guy-whowent-to-grade-school-with-him-I-guess Holden Nichols ’21, this is scary but not a surprise. “I’ve worried about that man for a long time, he’s always leaving class
Thursday April 1, 2021
to take calls where he yells in Italian about something he’s real mad about,” the worried acquaintance says. On whether he’s worried about the risk he’s taking by speaking publicly in the papers, Nichols explains, “I’m no snitch, but if little man wants to keep me quiet, I ain’t afraid.” Next to Sabato sits what many are calling his consigliere, Nick Sanfillippo ’21, who might be playing a quieter yet equally as malevolent role in the family. As advisor to Sabato, the man is believed to be his right-hand man, ordering dirty work that would make Mr. Dickman faint. For the sake of the Quill’s clean reputation, these will not be described. As for the aforementioned hard drive, it is now in the hands of the Elder tech department, who plans to wipe and destroy it, citing “a number of illegal games” present on the drive. This conflicts with early reports of the drive’s contents, pointing suspicion towards the department’s motives. However, the author of this article realizes the intense danger he places himself
photoshopped by Gus Middendorf‘21
Published for AMUSEMENT ONLY by the wannabe journalists of Elder High School
The bosses sit down to discuss the situation in the family.
in. Don’t worry reader, as I’ve gone right to the source, cornering Sabato on his allegations. If, as Sabato claims, this would be printed, he assures me “not to worry. I would never hurt a hair on your beautiful head.” He also added an Italian blessing that I couldn’t quite understand: “Pesce d’Aprile.”
Seth Trischler ‘22 Staff Writer
In years past Elder has had to stand back
and watch as fellow GCL teams got new jerseys. These jerseys were none other than all black uniforms. This has caused students to ask for Elder’s own personal all black alternate jerseys but have been rejected. I am guessing they keep getting rejected due to tradition and to not stir away from our classic purple and white colors. This year with Covid, the alumni has decided to give us a gift for all that we have endured and give the football and basketball programs their own all black uniforms. I have gotten permission from Mr. Ruffing to release these in The Purple Quill and when I say these might be the coolest things ever to come into existence, believe me. Due to The Purple Quill’s black and white format, I will explain the jerseys in full detail. The first will be the new football uniforms. These uniforms will be finally made by Nike since Elder’s falling out with Under Armour in the past year. The uniforms consist of all black with a purple collar and purple outlines on the numbers. There are also purples lines going on the sides of the jersey’s pants. The most important feature though is the name across the chest and back which consists of the words Elder Panthers in that order. The basketball ones on the other hand have sort of a Xavier Running man jersey style to them. They of course are all black with Elder across the chest in an arch. The numbers and letters are both outlines with the purple we all know and love. The neck and shoulders are also traced with two purple lines. The shorts have two purple lines on top and bottom and a design on the side. The coolest feature in my opinion
of these jerseys is the E on the waistband. They also have your Nike logo since Elder is now partnered with them. I gave some other students a sneak peak at these electric uniforms and their answers were ones you would expect. When I asked Nick Culman, a junior here at Elder, he told me, “No way! You’re lying.” Well folks I am indeed not lying, and you will probably get to see these jerseys in action next fall or winter depending on how fast Nike can manufacture them. I personally love the fact of black uniforms. It will boost students moral, cause excitement among the Elder community, and match the student section when it has a blackout night. I think these will be a hit and will immediately go down as one of Elder’s all time great jerseys. I think Elder can do something that other schools have not with these alternates. I have attended
Elder for almost three years, and I know that Elder will make these well worth it like they do with every purchase. I cannot
New QB 1 is not who you think Nick Tedesco ‘22 Staff Writer
Ben Hambleton, former QB 1 has
unfortunately been outclassed in every way by Elder’s new 2021-2022 QB 1. He is deceptively fast, illusive, stronger, better, bigger. He is already estimated to be the consensus number 1 draft pick once he is done with college. This newcomer has been scouted and already offered a full ride from the University of Alabama, Notre Dame, and many others. But due his love for his hometown and hatred for his career he has decided he will play for the Bengals when he leaves college. But who is this champion of football? It is said he went to football tryouts every year, but his incredible speed rendered
him unseen by the coaches. He went to every weight training session, but they mistook him for a bodybuilder. Remember all the game winning touchdowns? Game winning throws? Many people would assume these were from Ben Hambleton and the rest of the football team. But truth be told these incredible plays were all from one man. Who is this man? Well, it is none other than Jackson Weikel. Weikel, a fondly remembered man no doubt is not fondly thought of for his incredible football skills, but that is all going to change. Weikel has secretly been the mastermind behind every genius formation, every incredible play, it was always him. But he kept it secret due to his astounding humbleness. But he has
photoshopped by Seth Trischer ‘22
Elder finally approves blackout uniforms
wait to see them in action! And by the way, April fool! decided that he is done playing from the shadows and plans to take over as Elder’s QB 1 starting next year. I knew all of our avid readers would want to know more about this, so I interviewed Weikel himself. I asked why he kept his talents secret until now. He told me, “Since I was a kid, I loved the sports balls, but I didn’t think anyone would appreciate my abilities. I thought I would be bullied for being such a God at football gaming.” A short story for a short man. I asked what his secret is to his incredible ability, he told me “I’m just built diff.” I also asked him how he would improve Elder’s football team, he told me, “I’ve discussed with the coach and we have both made
continued on page 14
Thursday April 1, 2021
April Fools 9
Wahlert comes forward as head of QAnon
Quill to recreate ESPN Body Issue
Matthew L. Walter ‘21 Graphics Editor
Gus Schlomer ‘21 Co-Editor in Chief
photoshopped by Matthew Walter ‘21
“Q,” has been freely spreading information across the United States; however, he or she had been hiding behind the screen…until now. In an unexpected twist, Elder’s own Dr. Matthew Wahlert has confirmed that he, in fact, has been “Q” the whole time. After several years of being a local politician and teacher, Wahlert had found himself disaffected with the current (Obama) administration. He suspected something was fishy and decided to finally do something about it. “I began looking at a lot of credible
online websites like 4chan, 8chan, and reddit,” he said. “Those websites don’t try to hide the truth from the American people.” What he found would alter the course of American history. Much to his dismay, he read that the leaders of the Democratic Party had been secretly worshipping Satan, eating children, running a pedophilic sex-trafficking ring, and conspiring against then President-elect Trump. He knew from then on that he must make it his life’s mission to broadcast this information to the rest of the country as well as to put a stop to the evil ways of the Democrats. Finally, in October 2017, he put his plan into action. he began posting his findings to 4chan, warning the masses of “the
ended up passing away. He predicted Pope Francis would be arrested, and the Pope liked those pictures of an Instagram model. He predicted Donald Trump would retake the presidency on March 4, 2021, and although that was not true, Biden tripped while walking up some steps. These predictions have led many in the left-wing media to question Wahlert’s credibility. Wahlert has since rebuked them, saying “We are led by the truth and the American people can see that,” as well as reassuring his followers that “There is already a secret plan underway to replace Biden with the dually-elected President Trump.” There was also significant backlash against Wahlert’s movement after the January 6 attack on the Capitol. Many claimed that QAnon was a group of domestic terrorists that were trying to undermine American democracy by removing the democratically elected president. Wahlert once again refuted the claims, saying that he does not try to spread terror; rather, he tries to spread truth and information. However, he added, “We will be victorious in clearing the government of Satan-worshipping pedophiles.” Finally, Wahlert decided to reveal himself now because, although it may paint a target on his back, he believed that the American people needed to know the whole truth. Revealing his identity is only a small part in his larger crusade against misinformation. Disclaimer: This article above is purely satirical and intended for somewhat subpar comedic purposes. Any attempt to use the words in this article against Dr. Wahlert is almost as dumb as believing the conspiracy theories mentioned in the article.
Over the last few months, there has been heavy conversation and a few hallway rumors about ENN and The Purple Quill producing the Elder edition of the illusive ESPN Body Issue where athletes and public figures that have had a significant sports career show off their body in a way to make it “art.” Rumor has it this year’s features include Adam Duwel, Drew Beckenhaupt, Mr. Gary Rogers, Mr. Danny Mohs, and Coach Dan Bell. I spoke to Beckenhaupt about the rumors this past weekend and he came with some strong statements. “The rumors are true; Elder High School body issue is happening, and I am not only proud to be selected to showcase my talent and story of how my sculpted body has come to be, but I am extremely excited to work with the ENN and Quillsters crew to create this noteworthy event.” Senior Matthew Walter seems excited for this endeavor and states that Adam Duwel will be featured as well as his fashionable collection of SD cards. I am 100% opposed to this idea as one, we are an all-male school, and this seems a bit interesting to do. If it was another school doing this, I think it could
Elder’s tortoise prepares for 100th Anniversary
ped by hotoshop
p
Matthew
1 Walter ‘2
Adam W. Duwel ‘21 Video Editor
photoshopped by Matthew Walter ‘21
Since 2017, the anonymous 4chan user,
Storm,” where Trump would oust and arrest the Democrats for their heinous crimes against humanity. How had the good doctor found out about this? It is simple, really. Using his political connections, he had quickly formed a rather large sphere of influence. “I have many Q’s that are strategically placed within the government that provide the truth to the American people,” he said. Using this newfound power, Wahlert began making predictions. Although none have been 100% true, some have been close. He predicted that former Senator John McCain would retire, and McCain
be considered art, but honestly it’s gross. This operation is going to get shut down before we even start taking pictures and video for the feature. “With Duwel leading this thing, I’m starting to question his role at the helm of ENN. It seems like he just wants to take questionable pictures of people and we cannot have that. I agree that this will get shut down immediately. The Quill just wasn’t getting its normal readership numbers, so we had to step up and take it to the next level to gain more interest,” said Walter, Panther Bites Editor for The Purple Quill. Drastic measures need to be taken to make it in this industry and we need to do this so that our beoved newspaper can survive. ENN plans to start shooting for the body issue on April 1, 2021 and it hopes to have the issue out by graduation. And note the starting date, April Fool.
During the first days of Elder High
School in the fall of 1922, a wayward tortoise was found among the construction site and given a permanent home at 3900 Vincent Ave. Always a forward thinker, the first Elder principal wanted to have something from the original school construction that would last until the upcoming 100year Anniversary. They decided to give this tortoise a permanent home in the building. The tortoise whose name is Frank, was transplanted from the Cincinnati Zoo. The Zoo didn’t want to take care of him anymore because they wanted to focus their energy on building bigger habitats for birds. Elder adopted the tortoise to become a benchmark corresponding to the history of the school. During Frank’s time here at Elder, he has seen it all. The tortoise has been around for some of Elder’s biggest events. Frank had a front row seat to basketball games in the Donohoe Center. He is one of the few witnesses still around who actually watched a game where the Spirit Store now stands. The tortoise has been able to live on Elder’s campus his entire life because of the generosity of Elder faculty who feed and care for the creature even to this day. Frank said through an exclusive Quill
Now you know the origin of Frank the Tank.
interpreter, “I’ve seen many changes come to this place over the first 100 years of my life and the next 100 promise to have even more changes and improvements.” The tortoise has been able to remain safe for so many years because of his intimate knowledge of the system of secret passageways and tunnels located between classroom walls. During all the renovations that have taken place at Elder, a closer look at construction plans include updates to secret hallways for Frank to travel through. When Covid-19 shut us down in March of 2020, Frank remained at his beloved Elder, disregarding the governor’s
continued on page 14
10
Wednesday March 31, 2021
Sports
Frankie. He has recently been called up to the USMNT U-23 (One step blow USMNT) and he is currently not even in training with the club. From my point of view as an expert, we do not need him. Amaya stated that he wants to play the 10 role and he wants to be a creator in the midfield, but he is not a creator. He just does not fit in Jaap Stam’s current system at all and if last season was his last contract year, he would have been traded a long time ago. A way I can see something beneficial playing out for both parties in this situation is FCC let him play behind Lucho Acosta at the 10. This is going to cut his minutes about 75% but he can learn how to play from a seasoned vet that did well in the league and was almost signed by a few European teams like PSG and others, but he can also get some minutes that could potentially lead into another contract from FCC and a European loan. Any young player in the world that plays the sport has one goal, to play in Europe for Manchester United, Barcelona, Madrid, and Milan. There could be some good interest for a young midfielder in Europe who is at the cusp of making the National team roster and that is only 20 years old. A comparison that could be made would be Daryl Dike of Barnsley in the Championship (England). He was drafted by Orlando City in the 2020 super draft out of UVA. [look it up] Sell Amaya, get some good money, invest it in other players or in the draft.
WES nearing completion
Gus Schlomer ‘21 Co-Editor in Chief
Every month, something new is happening with FC Cincinnati.
Contrary to last year, we are signing players, we are almost done with a brand-new stadium, and we are spending money.
Signing!
Acosta is here! FC Cincinnati have finally signed Luciano (Lucho) Acosta from Atlas (Mexico) and DC United. The way this transfer works is that DC United owns the MLS rights to Lucho if he decided to come back to MLS after he was sold to Atlas of Liga MX a few seasons ago. FCC purchased Lucho’s rights from DC for 250,000 in General Allocation Money (GAM) and then a 3-Million-dollar purchase from Atlas. This is the second largest signing in club history second to Brenner at 13 Million. This transfer fills a big hole for Cincy in the midfield because we have a ball distributor to get the ball from the back line to Brenner, Locadia, and Barreal. Simply, this allows FCC to SCORE GOALS. FCC the past two seasons have been last in scoring goals and goal differential. Goals win games and FCC can now score just a bit more and I am excited to see what Lucho will bring to the Orange and Blue.
Amaya?
With the signing of Lucho Acosta, the major question around the club is what is going to happen with Frankie Amaya? Amaya was the club’s first ever draft pick and the first overall in 2018. Amaya signed a 3-year contract through Adidas (Generation Adidas contract) and is on his final year of that contract this year. As of now, there is no plan with
After almost two years of construction, West End Stadium is nearing completion. The build started in 2018-19 and is set to open May 16, in an Eastern Conference showdown vs. Inter Miami. Recently, FC Cincinnati debuted the “fins” on the outside of the stadium that illuminate the whole outside. The fins project any image with LED’s and will have different colors on the side of the stadium signifying certain events. For example, when FCC scores at home, the players face, name and number will flash on the fins creating one large, stadium sized image. I have been told the fins also light up to the beat of music or the color is animated to the music and that is a cool feature. According to my good friend and fellow reporter for her own Pateron page, Cincinnati Soccer Talk, and the Dayton Daily, Laurel Pfaller was granted access to a recent press conference at the new stadium with President, Jeff Berding where she asked about the initial plan to have 513 fins around the stadium to signify the city area code and add just that little extra touch to the stadium to make it “Cincinnati”. In response Berding stated “that there are actually 513 fin portions or sections. So, in a way, FC Cincinnati still delivered on paying homage to the 513-area code through the number of fins, but there are 385 total and 287 of them feature LED lighting. The number of fins was reduced as part of cost-cutting measures at the stadium.” It is still a cool thing to have but the fins will not be used regularly until mid-April or May.
Wednesday March 31, 2021
During Elder’s annual Open House, I usually have an array of vintage Purple Quills spead out on the desks in the Journalism classroom. Invariably during the visits of prospective students, the fathers and grandfathers chort out with a swarthy, “Oh, the Quill. Do you have any copies of Sappy Dick?” Well, sirs, we can finally answer that question once and for all.
From the Archives of The Quill 11
This month, in searching for our installment of “From the Archives” I stumbled upon this classic Sappy from October of 1972. It features charicatures of George McGovern and Sargent Shriver from the presidential race as well a few items probably not seen in today’s cancel culture - like “Hobby Corner” and “Pick out the Freshman.”
12
Sports
My quest to cement my name in Elder history Joshua Huff ‘22 Staff Writer
Throughout Elder’s long history, the
school has gained some serious accolades when it comes to sports. Almost every sport here at Elder has brought home a state championship at some point. We’ve also produced some of the most talented athletes to grace their sports. Included in this group is of course New York Giants tight end Kyle Rudolph, former Buffalo Bills center Eric Wood, Dallas Cowboys long snapper Jake McQuade, and more just to name a few. These are some of the most well-known names when it comes to the legacy of sports at Elder, however there are some lesser known names that grace the halls of a very special place: The PAC. The PAC is home to Elder’s Baseball, Tennis, and Track & Field programs. However, for this article, I would like to focus specifically on the Track & Field Program. Posted in the concession building at the PAC is a long list of some of the best runners, throwers, jumpers, and pole vaulters to ever compete in a purple uniform. Since my freshman year, I have often pondered what it would take to get on the illustrious list, and let me tell you, it is not easy. Upon looking at the numerous records that have been set over the years by many different people, getting on the list is a tall order. My quest to get on the list began earlier this track season when I made a promise to myself that I was going to make it on the list by the end of my se-
nior year, and if I didn’t- well I was going to die trying. Getting on the list is personal for me. My brother, a 2015 graduate is on the list not once, but three times, in three separate events, and as a very competitive younger brother, I refuse to let him be on this list, and not me. When I asked him if he thought that I could find my way on to the list by the end of my senior year, he responded with a stern, “absolutely.” He’s never been one to doubt me, but I could tell by the smirk on his face that he thought it would be a pretty difficult task to accomplish. To put things into perspective, I currently run a 2:10 800m. Which, is a solid time. However, If I wanted to squeeze onto this list, even with the narrowest of margins, I would have to drop twelve seconds. Twelve seconds certainly does not sound like a lot of time, however in a race as short as 800m, twelve seconds is a significant amount of time to drop. To get a second opinion I contacted former Track stud and current Ohio University Cross Country runner, Cooper Mullen. Coop said that even for him getting on the list was quite the challenge, and he snuck his way onto the list during his junior year, and now runs for a division I college. “I think you could definitely do it, but I mean, you’ll have to work your butt off.” So whether I find my way onto the illustrious list has yet to be seen, but I know that it will be quite the task.
Wednesday March 31, 2021
A groundbreaking year for Elder commentators Gus Middendorf ‘21 Co-Editor in Chief
It’s been a tough year for Elder sports
fans. Whereas watching an Elder football or basketball game usually means going to a packed venue, tailgating, meeting friends and family, and cheering along with thousands of other fans, this year is different. Locked away from the general public, sports audiences have been drastically limited due to Covid protocols, especially with basketball, an indoor sport. That’s where ENN has stepped in. It’s obviously not as good as going to the real Pit, buying a hot dog, and cutting it up with your buddies, but it is still a great way to see Elder sports live. With Elder’s brand-new equipment and dedicated streaming room, the broadcasts put on by ENN have been astoundingly professional; however, they could not be as clean as they were this year without the help of three talented commentators. “We didn’t start on the mic with basketball. What a lot of people missed was our soccer call - now that was our origin
What a lot of people missed was our soccer call - now that was our origin story. - Will Stautberg
story,” says Will Stautberg ‘21. Stauts, knowing a lot of guys on the team, got a text from broadcasting aficionado and Quill writer Adam Duwel. “He wanted me to call the soccer games. Now, I didn’t know a lot about the game, really nothing at all,” Stautberg admits, “but I jumped on the mic and had no regrets.” Later on, as basketball season came and Duwel started to dream of a grand basketball stream, Stauts, with all his experience, was chose to commentate varsity games. For his partner, he initially asked Kyle Dressman ‘21 to pick up the mic; however, he apparently responded with a quick “No.” To fill the spot, senior Jacob Stiens stepped in: “I’ve never had experience commentating on basketball, but I still was very excited.” The two never looked back, airing their voices for hundreds of viewers, adding solid commentary on the games. Just like a mid-season injury can take down a team, the two hit a roadblock with Covid. After a few successful games, Stiens came down with a tough case of coronavirus, leaving Stautberg on his own in the box. A loyal friend, Kyle Dressman changed his mind and hopped on. Much to Duwel’s delight, even when Stiens recovered after “valiantly battling that disease,” Dressman stayed on, and the three solidified themselves as Elder broadcasting legends. “My favorite moment has to be that Moeller game,” says Stautberg, “every
Wednesday March 319, 2021
Sports/Online 13 second was a battle. I got tired myself just keeping up.” For Stiens, it’s a tie between beating LaSalle for districts and “seeing Scott nail that dunk.” Dressman fondly remembers seeing one of his old pals on the court, Oak Hills Highlander Jacob Ramstetter. Even as the three leave, they remain invested in the future of broadcasting, especially JV commentators Will Summers and Greg Carlton, who Stautberg says “deserve big shoutouts.” As for advice, Dressman tells that the secret is to “act like nobody’s watching, then it’s just you, the game, and the mic.” Elder basketball had a great year, and it would not have been what it was without the hard work of the broadcasting team and these three commentators. For any young guys looking to hop in the box next year, Stautberg will tell you: “don’t hesitate to get involved because calling these games were some of my best times at Elder.”
The Triumvirate of Elder Basketball 2021: (left to right) Kyle Dressman, Jacob Stiens and Will Stautberg
from the online Purple Quill Stonks: How a community of gamers used reddit to destroy the global economy Beyond, BlackBerry, and AMC movie and take over the world COVID-fueled decline made it an obvious theaters, costing Wall Street an additional Self-proclaimed meme lords may have permanently changed the public perception of the stock market. Matthew Walter ‘21 Graphics Editor
On December 17, 2007, GameStop
reached the highest stock price in company history when it was valued at $61.45. The market crash of 2008 quickly diminished this number. As the reality of buying games digitally began to creep into the public consciousness more and more the following years, GameStop saw its stock prices slowly, yet steadily decrease. The coronavirus only compounded this decline, and, over 12 years after that record high, GameStop found its stock price at just $2.57 on April 3, 2020, the lowest price in company history. In the 13 years after December 17, 2007, GameStop was never able to surpass their record of $61.45. That was enough to scare away normal investors. Luckily for them, the investors on reddit are anything but normal. Pushing a dying stonk In September 2019, reddit user u/ deepf—ingvalue (who will be referred to as DFV) began posting “GME YOLO updates” to r/wallstreetbets. At the time of his first update, GameStop stock was valued around the mid-four-dollar range and DFV’s holdings were worth $13,926.11. On July 13, 2020, he began streaming
on YouTube, which he used to teach people about stonks and give the occasional update about GameStop. He would continue posting monthly and sometimes weekly updates on reddit and YouTube about his floundering GameStop stock. Around August of 2020, his posts began receiving more and more traction. His holdings were now worth just $8,391.84. More redditors began to play along, helping boost GameStop’s stock price from $4 in August to $10 by the start of October. DFV’s shares were now worth over $250,000. The price would continue to climb, reaching $20 per share by Christmas. DFV was now in possession of one million dollars’ worth of GameStop stock. By January, more and more redditors had joined in the crusade. r/wallstreetbets was becoming flooded with posts and memes about GameStop. On January 22, GameStop reached $65.85 a share, finally breaking their thirteen-year-old record. DFV had accidentally started a movement. He had gone from investing in GameStop as a joke to bringing GameStop stock to a record high. Now he and his followers had a goal: instead of making money by investing in meme stonks, reddit was ready to give Wall Street a run for its money. Beating the shorts off Wall Street In the months leading up to January 2021, GameStop had become one of the most shorted stocks on the market. Its
choice for a business someone would want to bet against. Hedge funds had billions of dollars invested into the idea that GameStop was a failing company. As the pandemic continued to rage on and digital games continued to become more popular, GameStop, in the eyes of investors, was beginning to look like a relic of the past. Reddit, in its infinite wisdom, realized this and decided to take action. Redditors began to rapidly by up shares of GameStop, pitching it as a crusade against Wall Street. If Wall Street could take advantage of the market, like leading up to the 2008 crash, reddit could too. Except, instead of hurting the general public, this was going to hurt the hedge funds. As more support from r/wallstreetbets began to pour in, GameStop’s share price began to fluctuate uncontrollably. On January 25 alone, the price opened at $89, jumped up to $120, fell to $69, and ultimately closed at $77. As GameStop’s price went up, the hedge funds’ money went down. By January 27, their stock price had reached the $300 mark. On January 28, it reached its current record high of $468.49, briefly inserting itself into the Fortune 500. Although the price began to level out afterward, the effect on hedge funds was devastating. When all is said and done, hedge funds will have lost over $12 billion from GameStop alone. Redditors did not just invest in GameStop. They also invested in heavily shorted companies like Bed, Bath &
billion dollars. R/wallstreetbets was not satisfied, however. “Hold the line!” became the subreddit’s new mantra, as users urged each other not to sell their stocks to draw out the hedge funds’ losses. With Wall Street finally defeated, it was time for a new villain to reveal itself: Robinhood. Along comes Robin In 1999’s Toy Story 2, Woody is captured by Al from Al’s Toy Barn. Imprisoned in Al’s apartment, Woody meets and befriends other cowboy toys, like Stinky Pete the prospector. However, at the end of the movie, Stinky Pete takes advantage of Woody’s trust and tries to force Woody into becoming a museum exhibit. This is eerily similar to dynamic between members of r/wallstreetbets and the app Robinhood. Redditors used Robinhood as their app of choice to purchase GameStop stock. Unfortunately for them, Robinhood represents Stinky Pete in this overly long analogy. On January 28, just one day after GameStop hit its record high, Robinhood prohibited users from buying stock from GameStop, AMC, Nokia, BlackBerry, and Bed, Bath & Beyond. However, users were still allowed to sell stock from these companies. There is still so much more to this story, please log on to elderhsquill. org to read the rest and other stories posted each month by the writers of The Purple Quill.
14
Future of Covid vaccination (what it means for Elder) Nick Tedesco ‘22 Staff Writer
Covid-19 has undeniably changed the
world for everybody this past year. Elder was able to return to in-person instruction as early as August of 2020, but many schools were not as fortunate. Cincinnati Public Schools are only now beginning to go back to something somewhat normal and many schools are still online. The virus has completely changed our world, forcing us inside away from our friends and families, and has taken away opportunities from countless individuals. But the end is almost in sight, as Covid cases are steadily decreasing, and it is possible we will be fully normal soon. The Covid-19 vaccine has been a hot topic of debate these past few months as the anti-vax ideas have gone from a fun thing people often laugh about to a common belief. This has led many to believe that the vaccine could harm you, despite very little evidence backing that up. Many people are not taking their chance to get the vaccine. Currently there are many vaccine variants, each one slightly different but they are all good vaccines, and any long-term harm is, at least from current evidence, nearly impossible.
Nonetheless almost all the teachers at Elder have already received their second vaccination and by the time this article is published their two week wait time for immunity will have likely passed, and we will be one major step closer to normalcy. Roughly 30% of the U.S population has received the first dose as of March 15 and many more will be receiving the vaccine in the following weeks. But what does this mean for Elder, will we be mask less by the end of the
Wednesday March 31, 2021
News/April Fools Stories
school year? Will we have to wear masks well into the 2021-2022 school year? I asked Mr. Ruffing what the decision would be if Governor Mike DeWine lifted the mask mandate. He told me, “We have been following the Governor’s guidelines during this entire pandemic. If and when the time comes for him to rescind the mask (wearing) order, the decision I make for Elder will be made at that time and will have the best interests of the students, faculty, & staff in mind.” It’s too early to call but I think it’s safe to say masks will be almost completely a thing of the past in the later portion of 2022. But late 2021 will likely see many regulations being lifted. Of course, this depends on the percentage of the population willing to be vaccinated. Joe Biden has come out and said that “Tonight, I’m announcing that I will direct all states, tribes and territories to make all adults age 18 and older eligible to be vaccinated no later than May 1.” This means that the virus itself will not be what keeps us in regulations and quarantines, but the people’s unwillingness to take the steps necessary to move on from this virus. With vaccines rolling out nationwide, and covid numbers steadily decreasing,
it’s likely we will be able to go to school without a mask in just a few months (if everything goes well). Texas has already gotten rid of the mask mandate. And many states are now looking into lifting it. But remember we are not in the clear yet, make sure we all stay safe in these crucial future months so we can have a mask less future.
QB1
continued from page 8 the very stunning choice in cutting the entire team. I am the Elder high school football team. I am the Elder man.” So I guess he will not only be the QB but the entire team! Some very interesting plans but if I know anything, I know that Weikel will make the proper decision and no one should question it.
“Kid’s built different. I once saw him eat three cheese Coneys in under 45 seconds. A man with that much talent definitely has a chance to prove himself on the field.” - Ben Yorgovan Some may read this believing it’s a hoax. That Weikel really isn’t that good at football. But multiple people can plead Weikel’s case. Ben Yorgovan told me, “Kid’s built different. I once saw him eat three cheese Coneys in under 45 seconds. A man with that much talent definitely has a chance to prove himself on the field.” Scott Zigelmier said, “Weikel definitely has team spirit. He had an E duck taped to his chest a whole day his freshman year.” Wow! Truly a man of Elder. It’s no joke that Weikel single handedly replacing the football team will be a big change Elder has never seen before. But I have confidence that Weikel will be the most famous player to grace the turf of our beloved Pit. God speed, Jackson Weikel and April Fool.
Elder’s tortoise continued from page 9
mandates. Frank roamed the quiet halls in quiet solitude secretly hoping to see his student cohabitants he likes to affectionately refer to as “the guys” soon filling the halls. Frank is now fully vaccinated thanks to the partnership with the State of Ohio ensuring that all school staff members are covered. He is excited to be back in the school with students. “During the shutdown, I spent most of my time in the Athletic Storage room watching old game film from games from the 40s.” Though stranded here at Vincent and Regina, Frank has still been able to find love in his life. Stacy, a tortoise from the Atlanta Zoo was placed at Seton in the 1950s. The two met in the tunnel between Seton and Elder as often as they could. Some believe it was this duo were the ones to actually dig out the infamous tunnel between the two institutions to satisfy their need for companionship. Sadly, in November of 2020, Stacy passed away from Covid-19 complications. Frank was heartbroken but realized even more that his time is short as well. Frank’s father and grandfather both lived into their 180s. Frank is still walking the halls today here at Elder, only a lot less than he used to. Everything Tuesday in the fall you can still see him with Dad’s club watching film from the most recent football game. Frank is a timeless piece of Elder history and will forever be apart of Elder in more ways than one. This story would be cool if it was true. Unfortunately, like many of these articles in this month’s addition of The Purple Quill, this story is false. Happy April Fools Day.
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Wednesday March 31, 2021
Arts & Entertainment 15
Warzone celebrates anniversary The top 5 children’s books eventually change the map, but rebirth is Seth Trischler ‘22 to take parts away from of all time so cool because it is a change of scenery Staff Writer the tree to help him in This month marks Warzone’s one year
anniversary. The game came out on March 10, 2020 while Modern Warfare was still popular. It was released amidst the pandemic and gave many people including me a way to avoid all the craziness that was going on. If you do not know, Warzone is a free to play battle royale video game implementing the mechanics of the current Call of Duty out at the time. Although Warzone has only been out for a year, it certainly has had its up and downs. The Call of Duty community can be very hard critics so there were always
and after a while the main map gets boring. The game came out at a time where a lot of us needed it and I think that will always be remembered about the game. Not what it is now but what it meant to us in those first few months of Covid where we could not connect with anyone. I was talking to Brent Stahl about those months that feel like yesterday and he told me, “It really brought us together as friends and it was a way to distract us from all the world problems that were going on. It was something different and I am glad it happened. Although it was a
Seth Trischler ‘22 Staff Writer
Children’s books are highly underap-
preciated in my eyes. These books shape children every day and teach kids many lessons along the way. Here are my top five children’s books of all time to me personally. These books helped shape who I am today and were my favorites when I was little.
5. The Cat in the Hat
A classic made by Dr. Suess that provides a silly story about a cat in a hat that comes by and entertains these two kids. He creates a mess but eventually cleans it up and it provides many hidden messages throughout the story. One includes that kids should be their self and have fun. This story mostly made it on my list because of what the Dr. Suess books meant to my childhood. I think I had about every single book there was, and this was one of my favorites although the movie was terrible but that is for another time.
4. If You Give A Mouse A Cookie
quick updates. It had its fair share of broken and overpowered weapons like any game but now at one year they have finally balanced the game like we have all asked. As of now the game is going slow since the implementation of Cold War into the game. There will be a map change to the main map though eventually and I am guessing that will be when a new competitor comes along. This will most likely be when the new Halo comes out this fall but there have been signs that the map might get nuked soon. This is with the zombies moving from location to location across the map and with underground nukes being revealed. Since the game has come out, Rebirth Island has been the best thing to come to the game in my opinion. It is a more fastpaced mode of the game with a smaller map. Your teammates can also come back after they die if one teammate is alive. It is a lot more fun in my opinion than the regular map right now. I will surely go back to the regular mode when they do
distraught period, it lightened up my spirit and showed me a new way of life I never thought that could happen.” I completely agree with Brent here because without videogames during the times where we could not go out, I don’t know how I could connect with my friends and have fun at the same time. Warzone has surpassed all expectations through its first year of release and hopefully we will see it excel for years to come.
If You Give a Mouse A Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff might be one of the best books ever solely because of how relatable it is. Although it is a children’s’ book, it can relate to all ages. It shows when someone is too reliant on a person and that person continues to help them. The book is just like the title says. A boy starts off with giving a mouse a cookie which goes onto him needing a glass of milk and then a straw and so on. Many can infer that the boy represents a parent, and the mouse represents a kid. I find myself quoting this book often but changing the words around to fit the situation.
3. The Giving Tree
The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein is another children’s book that teaches an important lesson. As I grew up, I began to appreciate this story and once even shed a tear. It is a sad story about a boy and his tree. As he grows up, he begins
his life. Finally, the tree is nothing but a stump, but she still cares for him. She gave him everything she had while he grew up. She gave her apples to sell, her branches to build a house, and her trunk to make a boat. The message behind this book is how strong love can be. The tree is almost like a mom to the boy and does everything she can to give him a happy life even though he keeps leaving her but when he comes back, she provides.
2. Oh the Places You’ll Go
This book is typically given to people after they have graduated. It is another book written by Dr. Suess that probably is his best work. The book concerns life and its journeys while providing us with a great story. This is a book for all ages because of the meaning within each page. The book tells us that we will have our ups and downs in life and chances are we will be sad, but we will learn to bounce back. This book is great for kids to read because it provides so much information on life ahead without giving it in a boring way.
1. The Very Hungry Caterpillar
I do not remember a lot from when I was a baby, but my mom reading me this will always be something I never forget. This book is very good at being informative for kids who are just beginning to learn. The author Eric Carle does a good job with this book. The only message in this book is that eating right can help you grow and be strong but eating bad can be negative towards you. This book is so high up for me because of the illustrations and the memories it gave me. Whenever I see this book on my shelf in my room it reminds me of all those nights that my parents would read me stories before I went to bed. This book might not be the best but the memories it gives are worth so much more.
16
Back Page (More April Fools) The Quill’s lame attempt to parody our own monthly feature of Panther Bites as an April Fool feature of totally untrue, made-up and useless factoids.
While doing a lab on saturated fats in food, Dr. Hageman’s nutrition class accidentally discovered Panther Burgers actually make you taller. The King James Bible actually contains the word “swag” twice. Once in Deuteronomy 44:18 and again in Romans 17:4. The average lifespan of a major league baseball is 2 pitches An average of 10,000 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year, and at the same time 12,357 go to the ER for swallowing ink from said pens In Australia, the cereal Cap’n Crunch is called Ding-O’s, and its mascot is a little green dingo. Despite the absurd amount of k-pop the US listens to, the most popular genre of music in Korea is actually hip-hop. The iPod is named after the podracing scene from Star Wars Episode I. Scientists estimate that there are more creatures alive today than have ever died. Chocolate is named after the eccentric Spanish explorer Enrique Chocolet. The gold in Tutankhamun’s tomb had been stolen from the tombs of other pharaohs. Prince Phillip is widely credited with the invention of the party popper. The roller coaster was invented during the Hundred Years’ War as a way of launching supplies across rivers.
The toenail of your little toe is called the ‘spungle’. The biggest arms manufacturer in the world is Hasbro. Originally the Fonz was going to wear a leather vest but the popularity of the Village People made them switch to a jacket. There are more submarines in lakes right now than there are in the oceans. Buzz Aldrin left a pen on the moon after the first visit. Eugene Cernan, the last moon walker, found it. It still worked. The Nobel Prize for Physics has been awarded to a scientist who proved that a tree falling in the woods really does make a sound. Researchers in the Antarctic will apply whitening toothpaste to their drills when boring into the ice shelf. Due to the inclusion of certain metal isotopes in its construction, the standard trombone is actually radioactive. ‘Bat Out of Hell’ was written by Meatloaf after an argument with Ozzy Osborne. One of the rings of Saturn is almost pure silver dust. Every member of Iron Maiden was a Quaker. The national anthem of Lithuania is palindromic. It plays backwards exactly the same way that it plays forwards. A furlong was defined as the distance a mule can run in two minutes. The Eiffel Tower has bumps along its ‘legs’ that spell the French national motto in braille. The first copy of the Oxford English dictionary is missing the word ‘dictionary’. X-rays cannot pass through Velcro. The Boy Scouts were counted as part of the American military until 1986. Once a year all of Wikipedia is printed off and placed in a vault in Norway. The producers of the movie ‘Air Bud’ are currently suing Apple for copyright infringement. Bubbles have a seam. Percy Bysshe Shelley’s ‘Prometheus Unbound’ contains the first use of the word ‘Whoops’.
Mr. Lawrence Weinheimer’ s bald cap! Lukas Marlman ‘21 Staff Writer
If you have ever wandered around in the lower level of the freshmen wing, then it’s a great possibility that you have seen or heard Mr. Weinheimer. Either from his beautifully toned beats or to his corky jokes you will know you are looking or talking with Mr. Weinheimer when you see a person resembling this image…
In an exclusive interview with Mr. Weinheimer, I said the secret word and he waited for us to be somewhat hidden and he took the bald cap off. I tried to snap a picture but this is all I could get…
Background of Hair
sense of prickling like ant bites, “kind of like the feeling you get when your foot falls asleep, just…different.” After that he freaked out and lost his footing, making him fall eight feet. But in his words “as I was falling the only thing I could see and feel was me falling for ages upon ages and I saw my life grow older but my body stayed the same if that makes any sense.” After falling to the bottom, his eyes opened and he looked straight up and saw no tree house and no house, only a figure in the heated dark green light night.
The Figure
However, don’t get too comfy as he might just throw an in-class essay your way or he might just tell you to put your mask up!
Reputation
Mr. Weinheimer has had a reputation rest over his “bald” head. This reputation is that is he is a part of the “bald” community. During class he might be mentioning a topic where the time is right to say such things about it, but if not, we know not to talk about it. Even Mr. Weinheimer has made a few jokes about himself in regards to his “baldness.” But what if I told you he actually isn’t bald and this way all just one big cover up!
Coverup
Indeed, you read that right. I am saying that our English 4 teacher Mr. Weinheimer isn’t bald, nor does he have a clean-shaven head. It’s actually the opposite, instead of no hair and just scalp, his hair is luscious and soft while also being long and wavy. You might be reading this and be saying there is no way, but I promise if you say the secret word to him while its just the two of you, he’ll show you his hair.
How can this be? How can he have hair? Why would he cover it up? Is he afraid of it? While these are some valid questions, the answer is simple. The history of his hair is really why it’s hidden now-a-days. Back in 1981, Mr. Weinheimer was a day away from being initiated into the Long Plush Official Hair Committee of Grey Gardens or better known as the L-POHCGG. However, upon waking up the day after he saw something strange, he never remembered falling asleep in the tree house.
The Tree House Incident
It was well known in the “squad” (a group of Weinheimer and his five friends) that the tree house was never to be slept in as the witch had once said. But being the rebel he was, Weinheimer chose to take a “nap” while his friends went to work. Laying down on the thin paper mâché like mat he set an alarm for 6 p.m. as this is when his friends were to get off. However, upon waking up to no alarm, Weinheimer looked at his watch, expecting it to be 6 o’clock. He sat up without thinking about the time. But as it registered, he took another glance, and it was 3 a.m. Confused and angry he opened the hatch to the tree house but saw nothing. Looking through the open hatch the only thing there was, was enteral darkness, but thinking its just because of it being 3 a.m. he continued down the ladder. Placing his foot on the first step he felt a
Wednesday March 31, 2021
On the brink of total collapse of mental insanity, Weinheimer heard the figure say, “Your hair is a weapon, a weapon that you nor anyone is willing to confine it’s powers. Come forth easily and I shall grant you peace, come reluctantly and I’ll show you my pain.” Weinheimer had no wants and no belief; it was real, so he got up and walked away and buried his head in his white beater that was hanging to dry from the previous day. Moving his head out from the white beater he sees everything is back to normal, besides the fact its now 4:50 a.m. From there he went straight to sleep and tried not to think about the figure.
Transformation
Waking up at 11 a.m. Weinheimer says, “I felt different heavier than ever, it was like I couldn’t hold my head up at all.” Dragging himself to the bathroom and looking in the mirror he saw a head of hair that had the stone structure of Medusa, the length of Rapunzel and the style of a three-year homeless man. Trying to get ready for his initiation that was in an hour, he tried to cut it, but the hair was indestructible. Franticly trying to find a solution he turned to the last resort. He went into his room and pulled his safe out and typed in his secret code. 1…9…8…1…(beep)* Opening the door he reached his hand into the short but deep box and pulled out a potion. This potion wasn’t just any potion however, it was a miracle grow for all heads with or without hair. Such potion was brewed and gifted to him by L-POHC-GG in order to get his hair to 1000% before the initiation. Returning to the bath room with the potion he pulled out the clippers, and started to delete his hair from his scalp.
After mowing his head, he then applied the potion to his head by pouring half on his head and drinking the rest. At this time, it was 11:35 a.m. and the potion hadn’t worked yet. Having to start to get ready to leave Weinheimer put a hoodie on and pulled it up and grabbed a bowl of Lucky Charms. But that would have no effect on his luck as it just went down even more from there.
Full Transformation
When he was two minutes out from the initiation spot, he felt his hair starting to grow back, when he looked in his visor’s mirror he saw hairy hard bendy tubes coming from his head that looked like a witch’s nose. He had two options; either go into the initiation and be deemed a freak and a non-member or to keep the strange events to himself. From here he went home and had a bald cap made through the company, Blatter’s Bald and Hairy Cap Store. And from that day in 1981 until today Mr. Weinheimer would only show his true hair status to his shower and in his mirror, until this monumental moment!
Reassurance
While I know that this might be hard to believe at first, but you can trust me, I am a certified fact checker and award-winning truth writer for the society of truthiness to believe in; a writer for the US and for the world; Secret Truth STDU Industries for the people’s truth. During our interview he said that in order to keep his secret hidden he has even gone as far to never show his family; “As far as I know, they have no clue what my head actually holds.” Mr. Weinheimer continued, “Only my bathroom and myself see my head, with the exception of a few people, including you.”
Conclusion
Little does he know that his secret is coming into the spotlight now, if you have any questions for myself or for Mr. Weinheimer, I suggest sliding a note underneath his door or ask me, as a one-on-one interview with him is like trying to sneak inside of Area 51! And remember when you see Mr. Weinheimer just picture the hair being smushed down and screaming to be uncovered. Please take into consideration that he has feelings, but I still have one question for you the reader. You do know its April Fools, right?