I've seen some off-beat movies in my time BUT this has to be the weirdest and most disjointed offering I've seen.
Right from the cheapie titles and the opening shot where one of three heralds drops his trumpet, everything here is either super-low budget, or bordering on deliberate parody.
But it's the music that plumbs the depths of absurdity!
You could not find less appropriate backing tracks if you tried! Did they just grab whatever had no copyright on it?
The story is set vaguely in "ancient" Greek times, but the soundtrack contains selections of tinkly silent movie piano, Looney Tunes cartoon riffs, Rachmaninov-like piano concertos, a lot of modern jazz cellar grooves and other disconnected and totally inappropriate pieces that have nothing whatsoever to do with the period or action.
The tone is sometimes apparently serious, but mostly extreme tongue-in-cheek camping it up.
Lead actor Rod Tylor plays it for laughs, (mostly) and even indulges in some stereotypical "gay" mannerisms and postures. He's supposedly the "brains", ...while Ed Fury supplies the brawn, ...and muscles. Ed is less successful here at the comedy, and really just plays his role as the dumb-ox who performs feats of strength like all his other efforts in the sword/sandal genre.
The plot massacres the legend about the Amazons and their sacred girdle, ....but the most bizarre aspect is the role reversal where the Amazons are the warriors and their men are reduced to a parody of the traditional female roles of washing, cleaning, cooking and gossiping or nagging in high voices.
(The depiction of this, especially by the mincing men, is borderline offensive by today's standards.)
The costumes are nothing special here, ....the usual shortish skirts for the men with a few drapes, but the women get some sort of Frederik's of Hollywood lacy bodystocking numbers that are far more hysterical than historical.
Watch for the armour that seems to consist of a panel of clear plastic zip-lock stash bags at the front!
Now to the usual features we all expect from this line of movies:
There's a muscle-bound hero in a mini-skirt?....check! Two in fact!
There's a wicked queen who has designs on the hero?........well, sort of! The Queen herself is actually totally sexually frustrated, and forever trying to drown her carnal desires with wine due to her role specifying enforced virginity, ...but there's a couple of potential new queens who fill this role, although they're hardly "evil, ...but fighting a losing battle with maintaining their "purity".
There's always some sort of interesting way to put agitators to death? .....no, strangely enough not here. There's burning at the stake threatened, but that's not anywhere near as original as some of the ways depicted in other epics. The men are merely sent to work as slaves in some sort of bear-guarded quarry after just one night of sexual encounter.
Surely there's ALWAYS the obligatory dance sequence?....oh yes, this movie fulfils this requirement in bucket loads!
The dance is strangely at odds with the Amazon's anti-sexual stance. There's a quite lengthy en-masse ponytail-flicking routine that's pure 60's jazz-ballet, starting off with some very flash synchronised disposals of the cloaks they all wear and followed by the floor-writhings and pelvic contortions usually associated with what was thought to be "sexy" at the time.
There's a lengthy horse chase sequence?....tick again! Several in fact.
There's a battle?......well quite a half-hearted one really with baby-bows and arrows, ...BUT, wait for this!
For some totally inexplicable reason, at one stage some pioneer type covered waggons seem to wander accidentally onto the wrong set from a western being shot on the next lot, and are then formed into a circle and the attacking pirates immediately adopt an "Indian" role and start riding around the burning waggons whooping and hollering until driven off by the arrival of the ersatz "cavalry"!
I kid you not! Who'd have thought that ancient Greeks settled the American west?
Plus the fact that there's no one in the circle of waggons at all, so why the Indians, ...sorry pirates attack them is beyond me.
After this sequence, you'll be so amazed that anything that follows will seem quite tame by comparison.
Now let me see, what else do we expect from The Epic?
Oh yes, ...there's usually a poor long-suffering slave/servant girl who has to watch while her Mr. Muscles is seduced by the Evil Rich-bitch?
Strangely enough this very typical plotline of the genre is not present here. The two rivals for the Queen's virginal role fulfil the conflict, but even they don't fight over the one man. It's one for Rod and one for Ed.
As mentioned before, there's NONE of those vaguely ancient musical tracks with untuned brass blaring over drums. Just more of the jazz-cellar grooves that have nothing whatsoever to do with the movie.
The transfer is VERY soft-focus (blurred), ...only just this side of watchable really. It's obviously just copied from an old VHS tape.
The colour sometimes flares into all-over red or fades almost completely and the sound is very tinny.
But please don't let those negative technical aspects put you off!
This movie is so bizarre it should be required viewing for all fans of the ancient "history" epic!
You'll never see a more camp romp through the unmade bed of muscles and mayhem, where history is not only the first casualty, but you'll have difficulty believing that anyone could shoot a movie SO bad that you will actually find yourself enjoying it!
FOUR stars for laughs! Even the poor transfer couldn't spoil this one! Just when you think it can't get any worse, ..it proves you wrong, much to your delight!