'Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked' a review

Making good on this post.

Disclaimer: I have never seen anything related to this Alvin and the Chipmunks series, and am coming into the third entry blind. Any misunderstanding due to this is entirely my fault for not keeping up with the deep interconnected mythology of the AatC universe.

SPOILERS: I have to prove I watched this damned thing, so you're getting all the details.

This movie is not awful. I was expecting far worse, honestly. If you've ever watched cartoons aimed at 3-5 year olds you can probably tolerate this(though I highly recommend actually having a 3-5 year old around since you can start playing with them to distract you from the movie). The shtick of this series, apparently, is that Alvin and his brothers Simon and Theodore are famous singers in a pop group(and get this: They're Chipmunks!); they get into wacky misadventures while high screeching covers of pop songs play in the background. I expect if you actually like any of the songs covered this will shift from annoying to insulting, but being largely ignorant of pop music circa 2010, it remained merely annoying for me. They are joined by 'The Chipettes' a gender-bent complement to AatC who have their own band, and all of them are stewarded by their owner/manager/dad Dave.

The movie begins on a cruise ship bouncing from one micro set-piece to another. While it's filled with 'musical' numbers, they come rapid fire and never seem to stick with anything beyond a quick 'remember this?' reference. I would not be surprised if they kept the songs short because they were able to avoid paying licence fees for the songs by using less than thirty second samples. After getting into some trouble with the captain, the Chipmunks are admonished by Dave, but they convince him to give them another chance; while Dave has dinner with the captain to smooth things over, the Chipmunks get up to some wacky shenanigans.

The Chipmunks all exhibit their trade-mark personalities here as, astonishingly, they have to set up some character development later. Alvin here is the selfish(and annoying) one, Simon is the smart(and annoying) one, Theodore is the dumb(and fat, and annoying) one. The girl chipmunks get less attention individually but I get the impression their personalities directly mirror their male counterparts. Alvin charges off to party in the ship's casino, with Simon chasing after him to bring him back to their room, the Chipettes get into a... dance off(shudder)... with some twenty-somethings, and Dave eventually comes to round them up.

We are also introduced here to Ian, the chipmunks' former owner/manager(but not dad), now working as a pelican mascot on the cruise ship. We're led to understand that he was a dick and cruelly kept his sentient chipmunks in cages, therefore it's funny that he's fallen on hard times. Also fallen on hard times: David Cross, who plays Ian, is reduced from the highs of blueing himself on Arrested Development to playing a minor character in a movie about singing rodents.

The chipmunks are punished for their escapades by being restricted to shuffle-board as their only activity for the rest of their trip with Dave watching closely to keep them out of trouble. No sooner does Dave take a nap than the Chipmunks barter a kite from a fat kid to go parasailing, and shock and surprise they go flying off away from the ship, eventually landing on an island. Dave realizes they've gone missing and take a... hang glider?... off the ship to go after them; David Cross Ian tries to stop him, but the two end up crashing into the water.

The humans eventually wash up on the same Island, where they surely meet up with the chipmunks and everyone learns a valuable lesson. My that ninety minutes flew by...

OH GOOD LORD, WE'RE ONLY TWENTY MINUTES IN! The viewer is advised that panic attacks are normal, and to avoid hyperventilation by breathing through the nose, or into a paper bag.

Ahem. On the island the Chipmunks attempt to survive, creating a SOS sign in the sand, starting a fire, fighting over the only morsel of food, all while grappling with the fear that they may never be found and worse, the existential dread that they may have annoyed Dave so much that he won't even bother to come looking for them. And singing annoying songs, and exhibiting rote character traits and generally making you wish you were doing anything else with your time. Meanwhile Dave and David CrossIan wash up on some other part of the island, where they will meander through the second act of the film with G-rated sniping at each-other.

The chipmunks run into Zoe, another castaway, played by Jenny Slate(I had a Washed Up Actor joke cued up, but it turns out this came before anything else I'd seen her in). Some very boring jokes follow, but importantly we have a major plot point: Simon, the smart, responsible chipmunk, is bitten by a spider whose venom he knows, because he's the smart one, has the side effect of changing one's personality. The chipmunks go to sleep, and when they wake up Simon has turned into the outgoing, adventurous and french accented 'Simone'. This upsets the balance with Alvin who is confronted with his own inner demons realizing in watching 'Simone' that his own actions are often disruptive and counterproductive.

The chipmunks pair off with their gender-bent mirror-images(something Freudian here, but I never read Freud, people just describe this sort of thing as Freudian). Girl-Simon is impressed by the antics of the drugged up 'Simone' who romances her with a golden bracelet he found exploring a waterfall, while Alvin and Girl-Alvin each reckon with the fact that they've been selfish and useless their entire lives, so they decide to be responsible and build shelters. Theodore and Girl-Theodore were... present.

At this point the reader is encouraged to reflect on the fact that these Chipmunks all view Dave as their 'father', not simply their owner. This makes them all step-siblings, at least and their 'romantic' entanglements take on an entirely different slant. Combined with the fact that none of the male chipmunks wears pants, and the girls wear skirts hitched up above their waists gives the film a risque quality that I am shocked was allowed under a G-rating.

Eventually Dave and David CrossIan meet up with the Chipmunks, just before the island... which is a volcano, by the way... begins to erupt. Alvin demonstrates he's matured and can be responsible, while Simon who is reverted back to his normal self must demonstrate courage to save Girl-Simon from Zoe, who's actually crazy, why not. Dave learns to trust his pets/children/employers, and David CrossIan realizes he was a dick when he owned/managed the chipmunks. Everyone convinces everyone else to be cool and they all escape the island together on a raft built by the rodents.

One more musical number as the Chipmunks headline at the... International Music Awards? Is that a thing? Did they agree to be associated with this? Watching the chipmunks perform to a riotous crowd highlights how strange it is that a cover-band doing pop songs would rise to such heights of fame, ignoring the fact that their screeching high-pitched renditions of popular songs grates one to the soul, and that these sentient rodents are simply accepted as a part of society.

THE END(thank god)

Again, not a terrible kids movie; much better the farther they deviated from the musical shtick. Animation was good for the most part, even if what they chose to animate was questionable. Most of the humor was flat, the plot was predictable, but the ending was actually somewhat touching, having earned its emotional climax with fairly decent character arcs through the middle act.

Score: 2/5

TL;DR A risque, sensual, half-nude, romp through the forest has these triplets questioning their morays, learning that forbidden love, treasure, and personal growth can all be found on the path to survival.