Some of us are married to men, some of us are dating them, and some of us are chronically single. But we well have one thing in common: we are late to the coming out game. A place for queer, gay, bi, pan, lesbian, trans and questioning humans to share, give advice, and receive support! We welcome discussions that explore what life looks like or could look like as a “late bloomer” lesbian. This includes talk around sexuality, sensuality, life, friendships, random thoughts, fun, and more.
I’m 29 and in my first serious relationship with a woman after dating mostly men my whole life and we’ve been really happy and excited to tell people about it. All of my friends and some family have already known I was gay for a while now, but I never came out to my parents because my mom is very religious and has made homophobic comments about other family members around me not knowing I’m also gay.
I told my dad first and he was accepting and supportive but hurt I didn’t tell them. Then I told my mom with my dad there and she was clearly not happy and basically said it’s difficult and she won’t celebrate with me/doesn’t support it but still loves me. I know it could have gone a lot worse than that but it killed me how disappointed, sad, and uninterested she was in even knowing anything about my girlfriend. I really just wanted to be fully out and proud with my girlfriend but since my moms reaction I’ve felt depressed and my mental health has been really bad.
I don’t even want to keep seeing them right now but feel pressured to because my dad is trying to be supportive. I genuinely don’t know how to move forward and feel awful that I’ve been so stressed and sad and can’t just be happy and celebrate with my girlfriend. She is amazing and so supportive but there is also some distance (1 hr) and she has a kid so we can’t always be together. We want to get married and I love that she’s a mom, want to be a mom myself and I know it won’t always be like this but sometimes I feel really alone.
Is it normal that I feel so bad after coming out? I’m already starting therapy soon but would love any other advice or support
*edited to add my age
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It is TOTALLY normal to feel like that after coming out to someone who is not affirming. Unfortunately there are many of us who were raised by conservative and religious parents. Your mom sounds exactly like my mom.
Unfortunately life often does not look like a Love Simmon movie where everyone’s happy and excited and proud of you for living authentically. We get an image in our head that it will be an exciting celebration and for some of the people we tell, it’s not like that at all.
I’m glad you are starting therapy, that will be so helpful. Do you have any other friends or community of people who were raised by religious or homophobic family you could talk to and decompress with? Do you have any other affirming family members you could process this with and they could support you or even have a convo with ur mom so you don’t have to?
There are a couple resources for religious parents with gay kids including the books “mom, I’m gay" as well as "love makes room" and "god and the gay christian" if she would be open to doing some reading.
I recently came across a YouTube podcast called “I tried to be straight” and there’s an episode called “I came out at 30” I just listened to today and it was very relatable and healing to hear others go through the same thing an eventually feel okay. Sending internet hugs to you 💕
Thanks for the YouTube recommendation. Just watched it. Helpful insights and good quality content! Wishing everyone peace and wellness in their journeys
You're not alone in this 🩷
this is my experience exactly & i have been so fucking confused about it. i appreciate you putting it into words. you aren’t alone 🥺 & i’m so sorry
Definitely was my experience as well. My parents made me feel really awful when I told them (we haven’t talked about relationships or anything since the day I came out). Almost made me regret telling them. I wish I could share that part of my life with them. But I will say, even a few years later for me now, it is really affirming to read that someone else had a similar experience to me. As clique as it sounds, it does get better. It may take a little while. I’ve found others outside of family who have affirmed me in my queerness and made me feel seen. Even if it sucks now, I’m proud of you! You definitely aren’t alone. 🫶🏾
This is my biggest fear. I’m 31 and my gf 33. This is my first serious relationship with a woman. And tbh, I hope it’s my last but if not, I know I will never date men again. My parents are extremely homophobic and I’m so scared to come out to them. I know it’s gonna be hard at first but I also feel if they can’t accept me or care to know my gf then I think I don’t want to be part of their lives. Idk if I’m being dramatic in thinking this. Anyways, I’m sorry you’re also going through this, I hope they come around. I say give it some time
You are definitely not alone I have been dancing around coming out to my cousin for this exact reason she is extremely conservative and Christian. I have been honest with her about my thoughts about women and even gone so far as to say “I think I may be more than bi sexual” she always says it is a sin and she will love me but not support that “lifestyle”
I know I am a lesbian I am so scared to tell her I have come out to others in my life and they have been so accepting, I guess I keep hoping I can change her mind she has been my best friend my entire life and only recently(last 2 yrs) gone down this really out there Christian very right wing supporter it honestly scares me and I don’t know how to deal with this
Needless to say I think what you are feeling is totally normal for anyone going through this you are not alone 🩷
I turned 50 this past summer and was still closeted until my mother found something I had written for another female I was into. She told everyone she could and basically my family doesn't speak to me anymore. I understand that feeling of things being worse after they know. I'm a traditional observant Jewish woman and have disappointed a lot of people which makes even the ability to accept myself a bit difficult.
Be proud of yourself. You don't owe your mother your happiness. she will get over it!