The ‘C’ Word
Cancer: The word means nothing to most people. But to the people who have it, or those close to them, the word means everything. It can enter a person’s life and take somebody in what seems like only hours.
Jerry knew for a long time that he had cancer. After all, he knew the signs and the symptoms from when his mother had it. He kept the secret from his wife, children, siblings, and himself. In his denial, he shrugged off his sickness when asked by his kids.
“I’m just getting old. Leave it be,” he would tell them. He had enough to worry about with his wife, Amelia.
Amelia had an infection in her leg that caused it to grow ten times its size. An amount most people thought an exaggeration until they saw it. She was too scared to go to the hospital, fearing she would lose her leg.
It was the same fear Jerry had. He was afraid to go to the hospital for fear of losing his life; just like his mother had.
***
Their three children were tired of seeing them sick. With Amelia, after her leg became worse within weeks, their only daughter, Hannah, called an ambulance to pick up Ann against her wishes.
“How could you do this?” Amelia cried to Hannah as the paramedics led her down the stairs. “How could you do this to me?”
Hannah didn’t reply. How could she not have done this sooner?
After losing her firstborn, Hannah couldn’t bear to lose anyone else she loved. Her daughter’s death was unavoidable; her heart too small and under-developed for doctors to fix. But Amelia’s leg could be fixed, and that was all Hannah could think about.
She didn’t just do this for her mother; she did it for herself, too. But that was close to a year ago. Recently, Hannah’s been attempting to convince her father to go see a doctor about his symptoms: his shortness of breath, his chest pains, and the fatigue that made it hard for him to walk.
“I’m fine. Stop bugging me and take care of your husband and kids,” Jerry would grunt in passing.
Jerry told himself he would be fine. He got to see his grandchildren every day, and that made it easier for him to ignore his pain and take care of his wife who was still on bedrest. Amelia would get better. Once her leg was fully healed, she could get up and walk around like she used to. And Jerry told himself he would get better too.
***
Hannah knew her father was stubborn; he had been for as long as she could remember. But the day she watched her father grab his chest and fall was the day she had enough.
She grabbed her phone and ran over to him ready to call 911.
“I’m fine,” Jerry wheezed out.
“No, you’re not! I’m not doing this with you anymore.”
“God dammit, Hannah! I’m fine! Don’t you dare call anyone!”
Hannah ignored him and called an ambulance. Minutes later, the door was opened and paramedics rushed to help. He would never admit it to his children, but he was scared. He wasn’t scared of being taken to the hospital; he feared what they would tell him once he was there.
Everything moved in a rush for Hannah. The questions the paramedics asked became warped together. The drive to the hospital behind the ambulance was a blur of lights. Waiting in the waiting room seemed to move so fast Hannah couldn’t even remember what she had been thinking about the entire time.
“How bad is it?” She asked the doctor when he came to her.
“We’re not sure. We found some tumors in his lungs and chest.”
“Are they cancerous?”
“We believe so, yes. We’re going to run some more tests later and see what our options are. He needs to stay here for a few days. At this point, he’s too weak and we’re considering him a fall risk.”
Hannah nodded. “Can I see him?”
“Of course. But I must warn you, we’re draining some fluid from his lungs right now so he’ll have them attached to him when you go in. How much he can handle will determine how much we drain. So far he’s been strong and we’ve taken a lot more than we anticipated he could handle. The pressure is getting stronger; it won’t be long until it’s too much for him.”
“Thank you.”
“This way.”
***
Jerry could feel the pressure building up in his chest the longer the draining process continued. It hadn’t bothered him much; it was just uncomfortable.
His daughter had only been in the room a few minutes when he finally told doctors he couldn’t take it anymore. They immediately stopped everything before they cleaned up and left the room.
“So? What’s the verdict?” he asked her.
“You have to stay here. They need to run some more tests and you’re a fall risk.”
Jerry snorted, “A fall risk? Guess I am getting old.”
“They found some tumors, too. They don’t know if they’re cancerous yet, but-” Hannah couldn’t finish, if she did, she knew she would break down.
“They have to run some more tests, I know.” He finished for her.
***
“Hey Honey, how are you?” Hannah asked her cousin over the phone. Hannah had been close with Tilly since they were children. They kept in constant contact ever since Tilly had moved twenty-two hundred miles away.
“I’m fine. Have you been crying?” Tilly could hear in Hannah’s voice that she had, and Hannah knew there was no point in lying about it.
“Honestly? Yes. I’ve got to tell you something that I should have told you a long time ago. But I can’t keep it to myself anymore, I just can’t.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Dad’s sick.” Hannah broke down in tears as she explained everything. She told Tilly about how she hadn’t said anything about how serious his sickness was getting, but now she thought it was too late.
“Well, you know how he is,” Tilly said when Hannah was finished. “You shouldn’t let his stubbornness affect you like you’re letting it. And you shouldn’t have kept this to yourself for so long. You make yourself take on too much.”
Hannah felt a bit stronger after listening to Tilly because she was right. She let herself get stressed over other people, but she couldn’t help it. She cared too much for her family.
“Now tell me, what are the doctors going to do?” Tilly asked, her voice full of concern.
***
Cecilia’s phone rang almost as soon as she got home. She was surprised when she saw Hannah’s name on the caller I.D. She hadn’t talked to her niece in a while and kept updated on her brother’s family through her daughter Tilly.
It was because of this that Cecilia knew something was wrong.
“Hi, Hannah.”
“Hey, Aunt Cece.” Hannah took a deep breath, not sure how to start this conversation. “I have to tell you something.”
“What is it?” She asked, sitting down on the couch. She knew from the sound of Hannah’s voice that this news would be life-changing.
“The doctors have just confirmed Jerry has stage four cancer.”
***
Cecilia video called Tilly to talk.
“Have you talked to Hannah?” she asked her daughter.
“I did last night. Did she tell you?”
Cecilia nodded. “She did.”
“She wanted to tell you herself. Uncle Miles is calling the rest of your siblings.”
“She said it was stage four cancer. I couldn’t process much past that and with the way she was crying, I doubt I would have been able to catch anything she might have said, anyway. It’s bad, I know, but has she talked to doctors about treatment?”
“They were talking about chemo and radiation, but that was when they thought it was only in his lungs and chest area. But last night after they did a full body scan,” Tilly didn’t know how to finish telling her mother that her brother didn’t have much time left. “Mom, it’s reached his brain. The doctors said treatment would only suffice in giving him a few extra months, if that.”
“So that’s it then. One day everything is fine and the next your niece calls to tell you your brother is pretty much hanging on by a thread.” Cecilia’s voice cracked, and she looked away from the screen, away from her daughter’s concerned gaze.
“She called me around four this morning.”
“What happened?”
“He went into cardiac arrest. He’s fine now. They have him sedated. Hannah said once he was awake and conscious, he began refusing the tubes that were draining fluid from his lungs and his nutrition tubes. He argued with the doctor before Hannah finally had enough, and told the doctor to just listen to him. They sedated him instead. He told her once he calmed down and had a sense of how the tubes made him feel, then if he still wanted them taken out they would.”
Cecilia shook her head. Her eyes were puffy and watery, but she never shed a tear.
“I love him to death,” she said. “He’s always been stubborn. How I see it. If he feels there’s nothing left to live for, for him to go home to, then let him go. If it’s our time to go then it’s our time. No point in only delaying the inevitable, and I bet that’s how he sees it now, too. It’s weird to think about how our parents must have gone through the same thing, them losing their friends and family. Now they’re all gone and us seven kids, well we’ve become our parents haven’t we? This is where it all begins. Now it’s our turn to accept and go through all the same things they did. Just like you will eventually.”
“Way to get all deep and sentimental on me,” Tilly said, trying to lighten up the mood; even though she knew there was no reason to at this point. To her surprise, Cecilia cracked the smallest of smiles. “Are you going to try to go out there soon?”
Cecilia nodded. “I talked to Penelope right after I talked to Hannah. Miles is already out there. Nicolas will be there soon, too, and Danny and Sam will arrive after him. Penelope and I are aiming to get there this weekend.”
“At least you’ll all be there for him.”
***
Jerry only got worse overnight. The doctors told Hannah that he had only a few days left on the ventilator machine. It wasn’t long, and she was sure her aunts and uncles wouldn’t make it on time if they waited till the end of the week like they originally planned.
Hannah and her Uncle Miles called the others to let them know the updated news. Within hours everyone had dropped everything, knowing Jerry didn’t have long left, and was sitting in the Las Vegas hospital room surrounding their eldest brother.
Their aunts and uncles surrounded Hannah and her two brothers, and yet nothing changed like they thought it would. Jerry didn’t miraculously get better, nor have a sudden will to live. No, everything stayed the same.
Cancer can appear in life in the blink of an eye and change the way you view life in that same instant. When your world is crashing down around you, all you can do is watch helplessly.
The doctors took Jerry off the life support, just as he asked. The silence and tension in the room was grave. It felt like forever that they stayed in the room just watching as he laid there watching them.
Then, seeming almost satisfied, he closed his eyes.
The echoing beep of the flat line filled the room.
The doctor turned the monitor off, and a nurse handed him a watch. “Time of death, Monday March 16th 11:15 P.M.”
