FADE IN:

EXT. CARNIVAL IN DERRY, MAINE - NIGHT, 2016

XAVIER DOLAN and his BOYFRIEND TAYLOR FREY play carnival games and win a HAT that says "YOUR DERRY AIR IS VERY FAIR."

XAVIER DOLAN

(puts on stupid hat)

Not really, but it's funnier than the lazy "beaver" joke we actually went with.

They celebrate by KISSING EACH OTHER WITH THEIR MAN-MOUTHS while enduring TAUNTS from FOUR CONFUSED YOUNG MEN, one of whom is KATIE LUNMAN.

KATIE LUNMAN

(smearing corndog grease on face)

What?! I can be genderfluid AND homophobic - don't label me!

TAYLOR FREY

(rolls eyes)

Fuckin' Millennials...

JAKE WEARY

(smoking cigarette... menacingly)

How can we be Millennials? Isn't this scene in the '80s?

XAVIER DOLAN

No, just the dialogue.

(actual line)

Meg Ryan called. She wants her wig back.

(leaves)

A SINGLE TEAR slides down JAKE'S FACE.

JAKE WEARY

(hugs worn VHS copy of "When Harry Met Sally")

That son of a bitch.

The FOUR BOYS follow and ATTACK THEM.

JAKE WEARY

(punching, crying)

I'LL... HAVE... WHAT SHE'S... HAVING!

They THROW XAVIER off a BRIDGE and he starts DROWNING but a HELPFUL SWEDISH CLOWN pulls him out of the water.

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

I hope this doesn't skew the internet's "Am I Gay?" polls...

(eats XAVIER's heart)

But I think young men are delicious.

THE BABADOOK

(watching from shadows)

That painted slut...

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT, 2016

SIX ACTORS that VAGUELY RESEMBLE the kids from the FIRST MOVIE drink and reacquaint themselves.

ISAIAH MUSTAFA

Can we assume that everyone has seen the first one and skip the recap?

BILL "TRASHMOUTH" HADER

Yeah, yeah. You called us back to our hometown because we promised to defeat a demonic, child-eating clown, yada yada, no need to belabor the point or develop our characters.

(points across table)

JAMES RANSONE is a hypochondriac with a mommy fetish.

JAMES "ALSO TRASHMOUTH" RANSONE

Fuck you, dude! I'm angry and abrasive, too!

(has no other character traits)

BILL HADER

Our buddy JAY RYAN lost weight but still has a chubby for JESSICA CHASTAIN.

JAY RYAN

(is a handsome cardboard cutout)

JESSICA CHASTAIN

I'm having a psychic vision... Of an easy plot device!

BILL HADER

JAMES MCAVOY is a famous horror novelist that society may have over-validated.

JAMES MCAVOY

(chugging drinks)

Why does everyone criticize the child orgy? It really ties the themes together-

BILL HADER

And ANDY BEAN killed himself when he got the call... Any relation to SEAN BEAN, you think...? Get it...? 'Cuz he died and the audience felt nothing?

(smile fades)

Sorry, I don't write my own jokes.

(talents are tragically underutilized)

Anyway, we can skip the whole Da Vinci Code fortune cookie puzzle the writers think is so clever.

The FORTUNE COOKIES CRACK OPEN to reveal TINY CG MONSTERS like the CRAB BABY from TOY STORY.

ISAIAH MUSTAFA

It's not real! Just stay calm!

(grabs chair)

See what I'm doing?!

(repeatedly smashes chair onto table)

This is the opposite of what you should be doing, got it?!

The WAITRESS enters the DESTROYED ROOM and has NO REACTION.

BILL HADER

(joylessly)

I'll have what he's having.

They go out to the PARKING LOT.

JAMES RANSONE

Fuck this! Fuck you! I'm leaving!

(heads for car)

This whole town can suck it!

(sucks inhaler)

BILL HADER

We're coming, too.

(picks up JAY cutout)

JESSICA CHASTAIN

But wait, you'll die if you leave!

(waves hands spookily)

Mind powers - wooo-ooo-ooo!

JAMES MCAVOY

(double-fisting beers)

(don't Google that phrase)

Great, we're pale imitations of our former selves AND selfish as fuck.

(switches to whiskey)

This script has WARNER BROS written all over it...

ISAIAH MUSTAFA

Then this paint-by-numbers plot should come as no surprise:

(takes deep breath)

There's a Prophecy about an Ancient Evil and we're the Chosen Ones destined to destroy IT with the help of seven MacGuffins that will cure our Wistful Amnesia so we can Retcon our childhood with Conspicuous CG and perform a Sealing Ritual with the Power of Friendship-

BILL HADER

Holy shit, I got Cliche Bingo!

(stamps card)

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Don't forget about my Love Triang-

JAMES RANSONE

BINGO!

(stamps JAY's face)

INT. SECOND-HAND SHOP - THE NEXT DAY

JAMES (the Scottish one) STUMBLES in and meets shop-owner STEPHEN KING.

JAMES MCAVOY

(slurring)

I'dd like to b-buy that b-b-b-b-b-mother-fuckin' goddamn manual two-wheeled conveyance in the w-window. It used to be m-mine.

STEPHEN KING

Oh, you're that drunken novelist-turned-screenwriter that everyone loves so damn much...

(strokes chin douchefully)

$300 for the bike because season two of "Castle Rock" was even worse than that "Pet Sematary" remake.

JAMES MCAVOY

F-f-f-fair enough.

(takes long swig from flask)

W-want me to s-sign your copy of my n-n-novel?

STEPHEN KING

No thanks, I don't support child pornography.

JAMES exits and CLUMSILY rides the DELAPIDATED BIKE down the street. He stops to HARASS some RANDOM KID THAT NEEDLESSLY DISTRACTS FROM THE CENTRAL PLOT so let's just SKIP THAT PART.

INT. ARCADE - SUMMER DAY, 1989

A TEENAGER in CHILD'S CLOTHING named FINN WOLFHARD is playing VIDEO GAMES with some BLONDE KID.

FINN WOLFHARD

(eyes magnified with Snapchat filter)

Wanna play again-

BLONDE KID

QUEEEEEEEEEER!

(steps back)

Hey everybody, this kid wants to play videogames with me! A well-known trick of the wiley ho-mo-sexical!

(makes finger phone, whispers)

Call me.

YOUNG, BE-MULLETED BULLY NICHOLAS HAMILTON appears.

NICHOLAS HAMILTON

You're too gay to play here, gay-wad!

FINN WOLFHARD

Oh yeah? Well, you're too... fucking... BLONDE!!!

(runs)

INT. BUSTED-ASS ARCADE - NIGHT, 2016

BILL HADER stands in front of the SYMBOL OF HIS GAYNESS APPARENTLY.

BILL HADER

That must be my MacGayffin.

(pulls arcade token out of slot)

A TOKEN for the GAY CHARACTER... how appropriate.

He EXITS and goes to stand under a GIANT STATUE of the BRAWNY PAPER TOWEL MAN.

BILL HADER

The sexiest AND most absorbent brand.

BILLYWISE slowly FLOATS INTO VIEW hanging from a BUNCH OF BALLOONS.

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!

(singing off-key)

I know your seeeeecret. Your DIRTY little SEEEEECRET.

BILL HADER

No! My secret shame!

BILLYWISE TRANSFORMS into various HIDEOUS, GAY, CELEBRITY MONSTERS!!!

ELLENWISE THE DANCING DEGENERES

(shimmying past 30 Emmys)

Who could support a gay comedian in this day and age?

BILL HADER

(fear wavering)

Oh no! Oh my...

ELTONWISE THE TINYDANCING JOHN

(juggling 8 Grammys, 2 Oscars, and a Tony)

Hollywood will never accept you!

BILL HADER

Uh...

NEILWISE THE PATRICKING HARRIS

(wearing suit stuffed with money and fan mail)

If anyone ever finds out, it'll be Legen-wait for it-DERRY!

(is tone deaf as fuck)

... But in a bad way.

BILL HADER SCREAMS and RUNS AWAY to RETHINK HIS LIFE AND MAYBE LIVE HIS TRUTH OR MAYBE NOT I DUNNO THEY DON'T GIVE US CLOSURE JUST SOME VAGUE CARVING ON A BRIDGE-

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

(phone rings, answers)

Hey there, Baby-dook-

(incomprehensible screaming)

I DO NOT always choose to eat "ab sluts"-

(screams something about Bed Bath & Beyond)

I WILL take you to Bed Bath & Be- I'm NOT yelling at you-

(trudges offscreen)

INT. MOVIE THEATRE - YEAR UNKNOWN

An AUDIENCE MEMBER stares at the screen in ABJECT HORROR.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

(mutters endlessly while slipping deeper into madness)

All flashbacks and no plot progression make IT a dull movie.

Allflashbacks and no pplot progression make IT a dull movie.

All flashbacks and no plot progresssion make IT a dull mvoie.

All flashbacks. and no plot progression make IT a dull-

DIRECTOR ANDY MUSCHETTI sits in the NEXT CHAIR, wearing a BUTLER'S TUXEDO.

ANDY MUSCHETTI

Oh, dear. What seems to be the trouble, sir?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

The most terrible nightmare I ever had!

(sobs hysterically)

I dreamed that you killed this adaptation! But you didn't just kill IT - you chopped IT up into little pieces, padded the runtime, and undercut every scare with a stupid joke! Oh, God! I'm so fucking bored!!!

ADULT BULLY, TEACH GRANT bursts in ROCKING AN EVEN SWEETER MULLET!

TEACH GRANT

I survived that unsurviveable fall!

(brandishes knife)

I'm WAY scarier in this installment-

(axed in the back)

Ach! I'm bad at this-

(dies)

The AUDIENCE MEMBER turns to ANDY MUSCHETTI.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Mr. Muschetti...

(sly smile)

You WERE the Director here... And I want the hell outta this audience!

ANDY MUSCHETTI

I'm sorry to differ with you, sir. But you've ALWAYS been an AUDIENCE MEMBER...

THE WARNER BROTHERS (AND THE WARNER SISTER)

(holding hands)

Come PAY for us, DUMMY. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever-

And THAT'S how you do a SHINING REFERENCE.

INT. CAVE BELOW A CAVE BELOW A SEWER BELOW THE BASEMENT OF A HOUSE ON A STREET IN A HOLE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA - 2016ISH

The SAME FLASHBACK/FLASHFORWARD/JUMPSCARE FORMULA happens FOUR MORE TIMES before letting us RESUME THE DAMN MOVIE.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

(wading through waist-deep river of rejected film strips)

Ok, I admit this movie has massive second act problems, but it's not too late to save the third!

JAMES MCAVOY staggers into frame and STARTS PISSING ON THE REAR WALL.

JAMES MCAVOY

(too drunk for American accent)

Come now, lads, let's nick me wee bairn brother 'fore this jobbie gie me tha boak, ya ken?

(sings loudly)

'Ey therrrrrrre, Georgie boi,

Get yer dobber over 'ere, yeh manky cunt!

(passes out)

ISAIAH MUSTAFA

I think we can all agree that was for the best.

(gently covers JAMES with blanket)

He's been in enough disappointing sequels for one year.

(tiptoes away)

BILL fishes a PAPER BOAT out of PROFESSOR HORDE'S JACKET and pulls out his ARCADE TOKEN.

BILL HADER

(holds up items)

Did everyone else complete their tedious fetch quests?

EVERYONE ELSE

(flatly)

Yes.

They pull RANDOM PLOT COUPONS out of their POCKETS.

JAMES RANSONE

(holds up inhaler)

I also have one of Andy's beloved childhood... hair nets?

(sighs heavily)

I guess he was a Dapper Dan man...

(doesn't want Fop, goddammit)

JESSICA CHASTAIN

(holds up JAY cutout)

He's hot enough to love now!

ISAIAH MUSTAFA

(holds up pet rock)

Okayyyyyy, baby! Here's the plan: We gonna put this SHIT in a paper bag on IT's doorstep - and we gonna sets it on FIRE!

BILL HADER

Great. Nothing burns like rocks and metal coins...

CUT TO:

The "PLAN" has FAILED MISERABLY and IT has transformed into a GIANT CG CRAB MONSTER!

HISTORY

(repeats itself)

BILLYWISE THE CLONE HIGH REFERENCE

You've got crabs, ass face!

BILL HADER

(taunts monster)

What the fuck?! I'm all for mixing comedy into horror films but not at the expense of overall tone-DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

(canned laughter)

BILL gets FROZEN in ITS DEADLIGHTS along with ANY CHANCE FOR A GENUINE SCARE.

JAMES RANSONE

I'll save you, my platonic friend!

(throws JAY cutout down ITs throat)

IT starts CHOKING ON THE HANDSOME and BILL ESCAPES THE LIGHT.

JAMES RANSONE

(stands in range of deadly monster)

I think I killed it!

(keeps back to deadly monster)

I've never stood up to IT before except for earlier in this movie!

(sings)

Just call me Angel

Of the morning, Angel!

Just touch my cheek-

(impaled)

NOBODY

(saw that coming a mile away)

JAMES is THROWN into a TUNNEL THAT'S TOO SMALL FOR A SHAPESHIFTER TO ENTER and THE OTHERS FOLLOW.

BILL HADER

(cries over his oldest friend as he bleeds to death)

(get a room, amirite?)

JAMES RANSONE

Wait, I need to tell you something... something important... and dramatic.... and tonally consistent-

(actual line)

I fucked your mother.

(dies)

BILL HADER

(officially out of fucks)

You stole my man- er, best friend, you... fucking... HOMEWRECKER!

BILL and the OTHERS agree that THIS CLIMAX ISN'T SCARY AT ALL and FIGHT BACK with the power of BULLYING!

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Yeah!

(clutches JAY cutout)

Leave our men alone, you OVER-LIPSTICKED WHORE!

ISAIAH MUSTAFA

You STANK-ASS BITCH with a GINGER WEAVE!

JAMES MCAVOY

(shouts from offscreen)

You don't have even half the sex appeal of Tim Curry, you FOKKEN CUNT!!!

THIS WORKS and BILLYWISE gets HURT ALL UP IN THE FEELS and SHRINKS INTO A WHOOPIE CUSHION!

BILL HADER

(stands over IT)

You're a DISGRACE! You don't belong here! Why don't you just QUIT?!

BILLYWISE THE DEFLATED SKARSGARD

(cries in Minion voice)

'Cuz I got NOWHERE ELSE TA GO!!!

Suddenly, the MUSIC CHANGES to an UPBEAT GUITAR RIFF and the CRUEL TAUNTING ceases.

THE BABADOOK

(enters wearing naval dress whites, sings)

Lord lift us up where we belong...

THE BABADOOK strolls RIGHT PAST the BULLIES, PICKS UP BILLYWISE, and begins WALKING TOWARD THE EXIT.

BILL HADER

(starts slow clapping)

Way to go, clown! Way to go!

JAY RYAN

(knocked down by light breeze)

The OTHERS JOIN IN and start APPLAUDING and CHEERING!

BILLYWISE THE OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN

(puts BAB's hat on tiny, misshapen head)

FREEZE FRAME.

END