Simon Sez (1999)

1/10

Maybe 'Double Team' wasn't that bad in the end...

davidturgay28 May 2001

Seeing a movie like "Simon Sez" is like going to the circus as a kid. For one and a half long hours you rub your eyes, not quite believing what you're seeing. It's amazing somehow, but you never quite believe it. Maybe that's not the best comparison, but can you tell me an event which makes you as speechless as such a movie?

To call it a movie seems to be wrong anyway. It's a 90-minutes crazy, absolute over-the-top Rodman-"thing" with no sense at all.

Usually I start with the story, but how could I do so with the total lack of one here? It pretends to be about some villain getting some kind of disc for some kind of weapon and to say this is more than you get from the film. Rodman plays a agent for Interpol it is said, although I'm not quite sure these are Interpol's working methods. Let's get this straight. Rodman is an agent in a french town with two monks as companions. They all live in a cellar under a church and have more crime to fight than the CIA in the whole US. Their gadgets include a CGI-fly, which can be directed in any direction and delivers an excellent view, a super-motorcycle which can drive up walls and ceilings and a lot of weapons.

The two monks are obviously insane, as they sing and dance and laugh all the time very madly. One is fat, the other black. Your turn to make something of this.

Rodman's other companion is another lunatic named Nick. He appears suddenly and stays without reason or explanation. Even more unreasonable is that Rodman lets him stay. Looking at this guy talking and 'acting' (sorry, but I got no other word for it), makes you wonder if there was a director who actually filmed him. In his first 10 minutes of screen time he impersonates three animals so unconvincingly and hilariously, that it's hard enough for itself. But seeing him 'doing the raptor' for about 30 seconds is just painful.

There is also a woman which half of the movie fights against Rodman and the rest fights and sleeps with him at the same time. Where she comes from and who she remains a mystery.

We also have a villain, so mad, it would be an understatement to call him a caricature. He always smiles, makes little jokes only he laughs about and gets scared the first time when his car is blocked by a sheep's herd. And he has maybe the first computer ever, which has not only a little animation looking like him, but this one can also talk for itself and change visually in order of the things happening around it. When the villain gets electrocuted, the animation gets to. Amazing.

Which leaves us with a bunch of actors who laugh, dance and make crazy noises all the time, no story and the most unrealistic action sequences since Moses went through the Red Sea. Rodman lets himself fall down a long column, while he holds himself onto it with his legs, because he needs his arms for shooting. As I said, he also drives with his motorcycle up a wall and along the ceiling in a tunnel. And I can't forget the most hilarious sex-scene ever filmed, involving Rodman and his girlfriend/enemy, a strobo-light and a see-through bed.

Movies like this leave me kind of exhausted. I'm a fan of bad movies, but bad movies are only enjoyable if they take themselves seriously. "Simon Sez" tries to be both a comedy and an action-flick and fails desperately at both. The classic bad movie "Double Team" was funny because van Damme was so damn serious all the time (not to mention Mickey Rourke). Rodman playing crazy was just an addition to the serious stuff and made this film perfectly bad. But here everybody just plays crazy. It's "Batman & Robin" mixed with "Double Team" on drugs. And when you succeed in watching the movie in full length without running away, you can be sure to feel as crazy as the whole crew must have felt to make this film. So, in a way you're get in contact with the filmmaker's emotions. There are just aren't enough emotional movies out there. Here's a new one. Who wants to cry anyway when you just as well can become crazy?

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1/10

Avoid this movie at all Cost!!!!!!!!

movieman-4128 September 1999

Not only is this an awful movie, it ranks on my bottom 10 of all time. I had very low expectations when I went in to this movie. (I had nothing else to see at the time I was there)This movie is so much worst than I thought possible. I would rather go and watch paint dry than see this again. The sidekick (Nick played by Dane Cook) is so bad that I think that Rob Schneider's part in "Knock Off" was an Oscar performance by comparison. There is not one person in this waste of 90 min of film that can act. Yet it is not bad in the spirit of Airplane. It is just BAD BAD BAD. There is no plot, story or acting. Enough said. You have been warned. Stay away at all costs.

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1/10

One of the worst movies ever made

MovieAddict201627 September 2005

Get this: Dennis Rodman is an Interpol agent (ha!) living in the cellar of a French monestary with two monk buddies (one fat, one black) who try to battle an evil diabolical villain who plans to use some kind of computer chip thingy to arm a weapon so he can blow up the world (or whatever it is mad movie villains like to do).

This movie is SO LAME! I remember I was vacationing in Nags Head, North Carolina when Cinemax started airing ads for the film and presenting it as some kind of "great film." I thought it looked like total garbage but I watched it anyway, just to laugh at Dennis Rodman.

Good god, it's bad. Is it EVER bad! It's got that distinct crazy directorial style all bad movies of today have - you know, everything's all crazy and over-the-top, ranging from coloring of sets and characters to plots to dialogue to action sequences.

Some of this seems fairly reminiscent of that similarly awful Rodman movie named "Double Team," which co-starred Jean-Claude Van Damme (ha!) and Mickey Rourke (poor Mickey). But any movie with Rourke is at least tolerable...this is not tolerable in the least.

Rodman gets my vote for being one of the worst actors of all time and this movie certainly fits his talents.

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3/10

Bad

frankwhat12 September 2004

This reeked of a bomb, yet I had to watch it because Dennis Rodman movies always provide that so bad it's good theme going for them. This one was no exception: terrible acting, bad music, and an even worse plot are all repertory examples. This was the worst out of the 3 legitimate movies he was in ("Double Team" and "Cutaway" were slightly better because they either had better actors in it to somewhat make up for the loss or at least fairly suitable dialog). But in this the one-liners just fell flat and weren't even laughable for how bad they were. It's good I saw this so if by some chance there was another unfortunate such as myself that saw this as well we can ever so delightfully bash it together. Such a bad movie!

Final put-down:

Movies : NO! It was released straight to video anyways.

DVD Purchase : You've got to be kiddin' me.

Rental : If you say so.

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2/10

Simon Sez cover your eyes and ears from this shitstorm...

Torgo_Approves3 July 2006

(r#40)

TV 3, a "quality" TV channel here in Sweden, recently decided to have a bottom 100-marathon and showed BOTH Gigli and this turkey during the same night. Now, I don't know any of TV3's producers personally, but it seems to me like they're torturing us rather than entertaining us. Simon Sez is a "comedy" so offensively stupid, it makes the Scary Movie series look like Bergman films. It seems to have been written by six year olds, for six year olds, but the foul language and violence would be too much for kids, so what was the target demographic, anyway? Oh right, idiots.

Dennis Rodman, professional basketball player (which is always a good sign) stars as Simon, a secret agent of some kind. He takes part in a kidnapping gone wrong. I won't waste any more time explaining the plot because it couldn't have taken more than a few seconds to write it. Simon is accompanied on his mission by annoying white sidekick Nick Miranda (played by excruciatingly unfunny Dane Cook), who desperately wants to be Jim Carrey, and a sexy Emma Sjöberg.

This is not a good movie. It's over-flooded by dumb action, hilariously retarded lines, and annoying characters. My favourite is the English/French/something villain Jérôme Pradon who wants to blow up the Eiffel Tower ("Why? Because it's big and it's beautiful and I'm tired of looking at it!"). Best line since "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn". Seriously.

Even the special effects suck. Avoid! And TV3, how about a Coleman Francis marathon next Sunday?

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2/10

Nothing good to say

maitreg28 January 2001

I can't find anything good to say about this movie. The acting is poor; the plot seems to have a mind of its own (like a 2-year-old's); the fighting scenes are some of the worst I've ever seen in a movie. They're so unrealistic, it's more like watching a cartoon. Dennis Rodman does seem to try, sometimes. Most of the time, he's just trying, unsuccessfully, to be cool. Half of the characters in this thing seem to be there for comic relief. Seriously, half of them. It's that stupid. Don't pay money to see this movie. And don't EVEN consider buying it.

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1/10

So bad it hurts your soul

b-a-h TNT-61 March 2001

I had the opportunity to watch this on cable. And man, it is bad.

The most laughable must be the camera work. It manages to be the second worst camera work I've ever seen in my life (the worst being in "Venni, vidi e m'arrapaho", a film that I believe to be from the screwiest corners of hell itself). As soon as the movie had some action -- say, somebody jumped on a chair -- the cameramen went frantic. I kept vomiting during the car chase scenes, and that's pretty bad if you consider that they were driving at 10 mph with a bored frown on their faces.

Then ugh... the acting. Not one performance even came close to being decent. The script... was there even a script? It looked like there was no story and they came up with (bad) ideas while shooting. And some scenes were so idiotic I wonder how a sane brain would came up with them. I mean, at one point Nick, the "good friend" of Simon Sez, has a gun in his hand, and loses it because he is making fun of the "bad girl" by playing a tyrannosaur. This is the kind of comedy that you don't laugh at because it's funny, you laugh at it because it's so unredeemable and idiotic you literally can't believe it. By the way, him being a tyrannosaur was as believable as Rodman being an ex-CIA agent. Hell, they even managed to make the French Coast look somewhat small and crappy!

Oh well... 1/10

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5/10

Entertainingly awful low-budget production

Martin_W8 July 2002

If you're a fan of low-budget action movies such as the works of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren, this may be just the film for you. This is the kind of film where you don't laugh at the jokes because they are funny, you laugh at them because they are pathetic attempts to be funny. Instead of interestingly following the plot, you sit back and laugh at the stupidity of it. Also, naturally, amazingly bad acting attempts of Dennis Rodman, Dane Cook and Emma Sjöberg make this movie the complete garbage that it is.

But all this is also why you would want to see this film. I was never bored while watching this film, believe it or not this film is actually packed with action sequences. The director probably realized that neither the "acting" or the "plot" would make this movie enjoyable, even for even one second. And while the action is not well done by any means, it atleast keeps you awake and steals some of your time.

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2/10

Screw whatever Simon Sez. Listen to me, when I said this, this movie is stupid and I meant it.

ironhorse_iv16 December 2014

Warning: Spoilers

Why would anybody want to dig up this worm's awful dirt movie? This Dennis Rodman's movie deserve to be buried. Don't get me wrong, Dennis Rodman was an alright basketball player, known for his fierce defensive and rebounding abilities, but he should have never reach the level of popularity that he got in the 90s. He was a nightmare, most of the time. He became notorious for numerous controversial antics. I'm not talking about his repeatedly dyed his hair in artificial colors, piercing or tattoos, I'm talking about his regularly disrupted games by clashing with opposing players and officials, missing practice, and being a total ass. I guess, this 'Bad Boy' persona work for him, and he turn to films to launch him, even further. Dennis Rodman is not the worst athlete turn actor, I ever saw, surprising, but he's clearly not anywhere near the best like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. There has only been one awesome tattoo cover, multi-color hair, black man named Simon and that's Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) from the movie, 1993's Demolition Man. Sadly, this movie actor is not in that level. Directed by Kevin Elders, Simon Sez tells the story of Interpol agent Simon (Dennis Rodman) whom job is it, to gather up information about the weapons trade on the French Riviera and trying to pinpoint the man at its center. Meanwhile, Nick Miranda (Dane Cook) -- an old classmate of Simon's -- asks him for help. Nick needs to rescue his employer's daughter, Claire Fence (Natalia Cigliuti) who appears to have been kidnapped by the same people that Simon is tracking down. The pair must get to the bottom of the increasingly dangerous situation with the help of two cyber monks: Micro (John Pinette) & Macro (Ricky Harris) and a feisty woman (Emma Wiklund), to rescue the woman and save the day. While, the movie can be funny with it's over the top action, the supporting comedy relief characters are just unwatchable and unfunny. I really can't stand Dane Cook with the annoying over-used animal impressions. He's overstay his welcome with the bed humping scene. Others characters that I hate, are the Cyber Monks. They should never be in an action scene, nor should they ever dance again. How come, they're not the same cyber monks from 1997's Double Team if this movie is supposed to be a spin-off? Honestly, those monks were kinda cool. Still, it seems like much more than mere coincidence that Dennis Rodman starred in two movies that feature Cyber Monks. Honestly, whom idea was it to have Cyber Monks in the first place? Those monks look like Franciscan friars, judging by their robes. Franciscan friars aren't adverse to most aspects of modernity. What's next? Virtual Amish!? It's seem really a bit of contradicted to practice their religion. Anyways, these Cyber Monks, in this film are just lame and obnoxious as hell. I can do without all the fat 'Free Willy' jokes. Even the villain, Ashton (Jérôme Pradon) hams it up. He's so cartoony in his line delivery. Clayton Day as Claire's father, William Fence looks like Robert Redford. I saw that some people mistake it for him, at the time. I really did mistake him for Redford, at the time, as well. Sadly, the movie has no season good acting. All of them were pretty mediocre. This movie is so over the top schlock, anyways. The poor literacy misspell title is lame attempt to look cool. Sez? What's does Special economic zone have to do with Simon? The half-baked plot is just as generic as other B-list action films of the time with a lot of kidnapping and looking for a disk to take over the world. There is a lots of filler scenes just to increase the run time with pointless fight scenes and stunts. Lots of awful wire-works action, with poor-time jumps and kicks. The movie suffer from poor action/reaction cutting. The impact gets completely lost. There is also a lot of fights goofs that they left in. The late 90s CGI special effects in this film are very fake looking. Scenes like the tunnel or the robot bee look so phony. Even the explosion look pretty scale down, when badly done models blow up or actors walking around in clearly no hidden blue screens. Another headache scene is the strobe light sex scene with Dennis Rodman and Emma Wilklund. I felt like I was having a seizure, watching it. Overall: it's a really bad spy movie that put too much campy spy clichés in it. If you're a fan of stupid movies. Then, watch it. It does have some it's so bad, it's good moments. If you know what you're getting into, turn off your brain, sit back and enjoy it. If you're very smart. Avoid it at all cost. Trust me, I wish I didn't see this film.

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1/10

How to Waste 85 Minutes of Your Life in the Worst Way

claudio_carvalho31 March 2005

If you are an IMDb user, you certainly are a movie lover. Therefore, one of the worst things that might happen to you is to watch a bad movie. "Simon Sez" is not only a bad movie, but also one of the worst I have ever seen. Instead of writing a personal review, let me list some information I have collected from IMDb:

User Rating (on 31 Mar 2005): 2.6 (bottom 100: # 48)

Some User Comments:

So bad it hurts your soul, 1 March 2001

?????????????????????????, 3 October 2001

Maybe 'Double Team' wasn't that bad in the end..., 28 May 2001

FUNNIEST WORST FILM OF ALL TIME!!!!, 5 April 2004

The Funniest Bad Movie I've Seen in a While, 26 June 2000

Utter Drivel, 3 December 2001

Bad, 12 September 2004

No. No. No. Bad film. Very bad film!, 4 July 2003

Try not to laugh, I challenge you, 29 April 2003

I Only Watched It To See Natalia Cigliuti, 19 February 2003

A good story badly filmed, 8 October 2002

Awful movie, 28 July 2002

Entertainingly awful low-budget production, 8 July 2002

It has potential, but fails, 9 March 2002

Nothing good to say, 28 January 2001

Like jabbing your eyes out with hot pokers, but less fun, 29 September 1999

AS BAD AS HE WANTS TO BE, 29 September 1999

Avoid this movie at all Cost!!!!!!!!, 28 September 1999

I believe the above information is enough to describe this crap, isn't it? My vote is one (since IMDb does not have a zero).

Title (Brazil): "Busca Explosiva" (Explosive Search")

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1/10

Utter Drivel

chukwude13 December 2001

Some films are so poor that and unintentionally amusing that they become quite enjoyable (the usual straight to video nonsense starring the likes of james belushi, jean-claude van damme etc.) However, one occasionally comes across a film which is so poor that any enjoyment one might have been able from the poor script, poor acting, poor continuity and the sense of "i can't believe they are taking this seriously" is eroded within the first half hour. Simon Sez breaks records on this note. After 2 minutes, i thought i was about to watch an enjoyable, if predictable, action/comedy with pretty poor acting. after 5 mins, i realised that i had found a film even worse than Carnosaur. After 10 minutes, a reverse triple summersault in the pike position out of my window 12th floor window seemed preferable to siting though the rest of this rubbish. Saving graces: sealed windows, i didn't rent the film but watched it on cable...though i am tempted to unsubscribe after this, and, finally, this "film" got my mind back on doing some out of work reading on the financial markets. a dry topic at the best of times, but compared to Rodman, Sjoberg and that clown of a sidekick in this "film", it was humorous, witty and left me feeling refreshed.

So, for those of you who have read the above and ca see that i am still sitting on the fence regarding this film. i shall be explicit: DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM. IF GIVEN THE CHOICE BETWEEN PAINFUL TOOTH EXTRACTION AND THIS MASTERPIECE, GO TO THE DENTIST. DENTAL PAIN GOES GOES AWAY PRETTY QUICKLY, THIS MAY WARP YOU FOR LIFE!

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3/10

AS BAD AS HE WANTS TO BE

bronty29 September 1999

As bad movies go, this is pretty bad...which is pretty GOOD if you're a bad-movie buff (like I am). But then what else would you expect when it stars Dennis Rodman? Surprisingly enough, Rodman is almost low-key, to the point where you could actually say he almost gives a decent performance. Almost. Still, it must be said his performance here is WORLDS better than in "Double Team", that classic of bad-moviedom. Perhaps because he's almost restrained, the makers of this have decided to bypass intelligent character or plot development (a fact given away by its grammar-savvy title) and packed it with common-denominator bits that are dime-store quality even by the action genre's sorry standards. And then there's the acting...Dane Clark, as Rodman's bumbling sidekick, pours it on thick with what is meant to be comic relief, but is neither comic nor relief; at NO MOMENT is he even BARELY amusing. If THAT were the very worst, it would be borderline tolerable, but oh no -- they've thrown in the comedy stylings of Ricky Harris & John Pinette as two computer-geek-slash-ass-kicking-slash -jive-slinging monks (monks!!!) who help and/or guide Rodman (it's never really explained); John Pinette is an embarassment not only to actors, but comedians, fat people, monks and especially himself: 'fat' jokes are one thing but nearly every opportunity is taken -- with his blessing and help! -- to show him eating, or shaking his bountiful belly, or wanting to eat...until, of course, at the movie's climax, when he (or, rather, a stunt double) suddenly turns kick-boxing action star. Said scene provides the single most unintentionally funny moments: try holding back the laughs when it's obvious Pinette's double is only about 6 inches taller and 100 pounds lighter (despite the padding), and watch as a baddie is kicked over a bridge and actually SLOWS as he falls, thanks not to slow-mo but to the bungie cord. Oh, and then there's the, ahem, "special effects". Can you say "blue screen"? The only member of this cast (designed to appeal to every possible international audience) that shows signs of real energy is Emma Sjosberg, who shares a thankfully-brief love scene with Rodman (she kisses him on the lips and does NOT vomit. Now THAT'S what I call 'acting'!!!).

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4/10

?????????????????????????

wayne-23 October 2001

I don't understand this film. I even bought the DVD to see if there was an explanation of why it is so awful. None was supplied. I like Dane Cook, and I am sure he acted the way the part was written. I don't think he ad-libbed things like "The Raptor". Only top shelf actors are generally given the freedom to "over-write" the writer. So obviously the awfulness was written to be performed the way it was. Maybe Dennis Rodman was allowed to ad-lib his awfulness.

If I was allowed to use negative numbers I would give this film a -10 on a -10 to +10 scale. For the range I was allowed, I'll give it a 1.

We need an Arabic translation of this film, so that when we capture Osama bin Laden, we can prop his eyelids open with toothpicks and force him to watch it over and over again - yes, there is a cruel and unusual punishment worse than death.

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3/10

No. No. No. Bad film. Very bad film!

AndyElPony4 July 2003

The acting is amongst some of the worst I've seen in a while, especially from Dennis Rodman. What's that Dennis Rodman a bad actor? Yes! and as hard as it is to believe his 'hilarious' sidekick Nick is almost as bad! Not to mention annoying. I'm not just talking Jar-Jar Binks annoying here, he takes it to a whole new level!

The one redeeming feature about this movie is that some of the action seqences are quite well done. But good action scenes does not a good movie make.

If you like bad acting, bad dialouge and wasting your time then by all means watch this. You won't be dissapointed!

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6/10

Mindless but entertaining actioner, marred by lame-brained "comic" relief

gridoon31 August 2005

Let's face it, nobody rents a movie starring Dennis Rodman expecting it to be "good". You just want some mindless, unpretentious entertainment, and on that level "Simon Sez" largely delivers. Of course, Rodman is not the first person that comes to your mind when you're thinking "action star", but thanks to the discreet (and sometimes not so discreet) use of wires, stunt doubles and rapid-fire editing, he almost pulls it off. But the show is stolen by a female martial arts expert, played by Swede Emma Sjoberg, who fights with style and confidence. Xin Xin Xiong, in the small role of the villain's No.1 henchman, also appears to be a good martial artist. What nearly ruins this film is the obnoxious, lame-brained comic relief from Dane Cook and the two monks/agents. If they had completely written off these three characters, made the villain a little less openly gay and given more screen time to the people who were actually good at serious action, this would have been a much better film. (**1/2)

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Lazy and pathetic to the point of being personally offensive to the casual viewer

bob the moo30 September 2008

We all have had jobs where we are only there for the wage and have no allusion that it is a terrible job and that some day we will do better, but for now this will do. Well, I cannot imagine that filmmakers are any different and, as such, Simon Sez must have been one of the films where, eventually, everyone was just clocking in to get the job done, without any allusions about what a terrible piece of junk they were involved in. It is not any one thing about it that makes it terrible so much as, well, everything. The plotting is pretty poor to being with in general sweep down to the detail. Well, actually that is not fair because I suppose the overall kidnap plot could MAYBE have been turned into something good if every aspect of it was not so badly done. It isn't just the silly cars with parachutes built into them, or the stupid fight scenes but just how generally incoherent and cheap the whole mess feels.

This feeds over into the characters which are either lazy clichés delivered in basic terms or, worse, embarrassing "comedy" characters that are as funny as being on fire. Of course we have all see "bad" films which are enjoyable because the action scenes work in big fun ways and I guess Simon Sez was never going to produce tension so this was the way to go. However it is never fun and instead the action sequences just feel so incredibly poor, like director Elders just thought pointing the camera at people firing guns or jumping around would be enough, which it isn't. The cast are perfect for this and they are roundly terrible. Rodman is a massive stiff board of a man without any of the fluid movement he showed in the NBA at his best and certainly none of the passion he is the charisma version of dark matter. Dane Cook is worse though because he tries really hard. Now, I kinda like his goofy performances in other things but here he is given sh1t to work with and he performs accordingly with an unfunny and irritating character his "get prehistoric" doesn't get shaken from the memory easily either it is so bad. None of the rest of the cast can do anything but one does have to give special mention to the unimaginative "comedy monks" who are painfully unfunny (Pinette and Harris) and the effete bad guy who is useless as a central villain.

Simon Sez is a terrible film. It is not even a "bad" film with a bit of fun or action about it because the cheap and nasty production standards and poor ideas conspire to leave anything of value on the screen at any point. Those picking on Rodman as if it is all his fault are missing the point everyone is to blame here because nothing about it is good. Not the direction, the scoring, the stunts (terrible wire-work), the acting, the dialogue, the story nothing. It is a terrible waste of space whose only memorable thing is just how insulting to the viewer it is.

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1/10

A movie that looks exactly like its lead actor !

elshikh412 April 2010

Maybe the number of the people who love Dennis Rodman is few. But, I bet, the number of the people who can actually stand looking at him is fewer!

He's a celebrity who was having a fine hour in the late 1990s. So why not making movies. There are fool fans to watch, and companies to win money. Therefore, let's film an action thriller named (Simon Sez) starring that walking store of earrings, that heavy bad joke, and that Madonna's ex-lover too, who occasionally plays basketball!

By the way, it's a Germany / Belgium / USA production. I always say be aware of the European sense of humor. Sometimes there is none. Though this movie has none humor, action, thrill, acting, or any kind of attractiveness at all. So who cares about the absence of humor? The problem though is that it has nothing but an ugly time that alleges having all of the above!

Think like this: it's a long video clip meets camp James Bond meets the independent B-movie nonsense meets any bad nightmare you had. P.S: The hero, the sidekick, the evil guy, and the girl they all belong to the bad nightmare part!

Director Kevin Alyn Elders will make you nauseated and dizzy. Rarely to see a movie that oozes awfulness this much. Sure with bigger names, real stars, this movie wouldn't be any better either!

In the same year of 1999, there was one true Bond (The World Is Not Enough). And one Bond spoof (Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me). Now (Simon Sez) is like something in a faceless middle. It couldn't be neither. Or anything different with a good taste. Well, to tell you the truth, this could have been good in one case; if everything was changed!

It's blank, wretched, and detestable. I feel I'm talking about Dennis Rodman here! But believe it or not, the miracle has happened; I loved some things about it! Yes!! It's 1) The explosions. 2) A funny take on a phrase that was said 4 years earlier in Mel Gibson's (Braveheart). I'll let you discover it yourself.

Watch it only to tell your young grandchildren that you saw the hobgoblin once, yet in a form of a movie!

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1/10

Like jabbing your eyes out with hot pokers, but less fun

joelmath29 September 1999

This is the worst movie I've seen in a long, long time. It's supposedly an action comedy, but the "humor" is less funny than puppies getting run over on the highway. The action scenes are funnier as Rodman tries to look like he knows martial arts, but you just wonder how come he isn't getting beaten senseless by people who are obviously thousands of times better than him. No action, no comedy, only pain.

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1/10

Aimed squarely at stupid people...

planktonrules10 February 2010

...which makes me wonder about myself! This film is horrible...no question about it. The only question is does it belong on IMDb's Bottom 100 list?. Well, I'd say no...but its inclusion doesn't bother me as it is a terrible film with very little to recommend it and it is so incredibly irritating. One one hand, the stunts took considerable talent but on the other hand this is mindless trash through and through.

For the most part, the biggest problem was NOT its star Dennis Rodman. He wasn't particularly good, but he wasn't terrible. Yes, he had practically the personality of sawdust, but in this film that's a relatively good thing! That's because at least he wasn't an irritant--like his co-stars. Dane Cook, on the other hand, was about as welcome as cancer in this film. This annoying troll managed to be more obnoxious and unfunny than folks like Chris Tucker or Uncle Joey from "Full House"--now THAT'S bad! Nearly every second Cook was in the film I hated him and wanted his character to die. He was loud, he was unfunny and he made goofy sounds and acted like a dinosaur at one point for no reason whatsoever. The only good thing about this is that his obnoxiousness overshadowed the few times that the normally funny John Pinette was also obnoxious and unfunny. I have never seen a cast of sidekicks less funny or welcome than these trolls! In addition to totally unfunny comic relief, the film suffers from the notion that the only way to hide the fact that Rodman is no actor is to throw over the top stunt after over the top stunt into the film--sort of like 4 or 5 James Bond movies' worth all shoved into one film. Believe it or not, the stunts here are even more ridiculous than those in "Mission: Impossible"--another movie designed for brain-dead audiences who hate plots and only want non-stop action.

Normally, I would try to explain the plot and tell you more about the film but I'd rather not and just scream loudly "THIS FILM IS HORRIBLE--AVOID IT LIKE EBOLA!!!!". Dumb, poorly written and childish--there isn't anything (other than a likable villain) to recommend this steaming pile of .....movie. Yuck!

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1/10

Don't waste your time and your life

RamonTecolt25 October 2020

Watched on HBO. I lost two hours of my life. Awful. Trash. Sucks.

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3/10

The Funniest Bad Movie I've Seen in a While

Mr. Pulse26 June 2000

Every once in a while a very bad film comes along and renews my faith in the sport of watching terrible schlock and having a wonderful time of it. Simon Sez is such a movie; a film filmed, acted, directed, and written with such ineptitude, you'd swear that it was made by a bunch of dumb monkeys. It's like the Dan Quayle of movies.

Dennis Rodman stars as an ex-CIA, ex-secret agent, ex-everything it seems, who becomes embroiled in a convoluted kidnapping/extortion/hijacking/computer heist. Give these villains credit where they are due; they do know how to multi-task.

I don't really have anything against Dennis Rodman, but the man simply cannot act. He wears one expression the entire time, bemused detachment. It's the same whether he's fighting off an army of thugs, dealing with his army of sidekicks, or riding his spiffy yellow motorcycle. Every single thing that he encounters causes him to smirk. I was waiting for someone to shoot him in the foot and have him smirk. Sadly that moment never came.

I mentioned his army of sidekicks; and there really are a ridiculous number of them, and they all are complete idiots. First there are the two Monks, Micro and Macro, who help Dennis in his quest for whatever it is he's looking for. These guys live in a church, dress like monks, have the monk hair, but have a high tech lair filled with sophisticated equipment and post-it notes (I called it the Rodcave). I thought something about them was fishy; were they real monks or not? Then later I was informed that monks take a vow of silence, and these gents certainly don't uphold that vow. And did I mention one of them is really fat? And he does kung fu? No, really, he is. And he does. I didn't say he does it well though.

Then there is the generic looking whiteboy sidekick, who is a stand-up comedian I've seen on a few talk shows (and who has not impressed me). He's some sort of ex-agent, who knows from where, and he's the most incompetent idiot this side of, well, those two monks. He does both a raptor impression and a dog impression, and fights like his life depended on his gruesome death.

There's plenty more to mention here, like Simon's ex girlfriend who alternates fighting and stripping with him; the car that tilts on two wheels, but doesn't fall over; the laughable wire stunts; the bizarre tendency for almost every character to have a nondescript accent; and my personal favorite, the "pole sliding scene." Trust me, when you see it you'll know.

I haven't enjoyed a bad movie this much in a long time. Thanks to plenty of poorly made mindless violence the film rarely drags despite its stupidity. The laughable dialogue also helps this clunker speed along towards its action packed finale. For fans of the bizarre and big rebounding NBA forwards turned film stars.

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1/10

Yes, I agree, really bad

winner5522 April 2007

Yes, I agree, really, really bad.

Do not be fooled, action film fans; the acting, the writing, the direction - really, really bad. Confusing. Dull. Even funny if it weren't so down-right... dull.

That same year, Rodman made another action film as second "lead" to Jean Claude Van Damme. Fortunately, despite Rodman, Van Damme did most of the work and Rodman didn't do much but rent his name to the producers. That film was occasionally watchable.

But here, Rodman actually pretends to be a movie star. Why? I dunno - the haircut I guess.

Why does Hollywood toss money away on this sort of crap? Well, people buy it, I guess.

Fortunately, I didn't; it was getting tossed out at a video store a bock down from where I live.

"Gee, if you're tossing it away, can I have it?" "Why? - it's just really bad!" Yeah, well, I had to find that out myself.

You don't; trust me - it's really bad.

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4/10

So-bad-it's-good done right

a-twetman14 May 2012

Warning: Spoilers

Simon Sez is the kind of bad movie you jut have to love. It is glorious in all its cheesiness. The one thing that brings it down (and I admit it's a rather big one) is Dane Cook who very nearly ruins a perfectly good corny action movie. His character enters the film around ten minutes in and after a further seven minutes I was already tired of his animal impressions and other shenanigans. His brand of humor is simply loathsome.

Other than that, Simon Sez ticks just abut every box on the guilty pleasures action movie checklist; let's recap. There is a motorcycle gang doing unnecessary stunts, an over the top villain, dancing cyber monks, a not so secret secret agent in yellow motorcycle gear and a woman who likes to spontaneously fight/have sex with the protagonist. This is by no means a good movie but it definitely fits into the so-bad-it's-good category.

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10/10

Dunno what all you guys complain about.

leif-183 December 1999

You have a action film, one hell of a lady, and total action throughout the film. What did you rent it for.. ???? A movie with some point and relationship problems and all that kind of stuff ?? You get what you want : ACTION! And lots of it.

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2/10

Ugh

BandSAboutMovies18 April 2023

Warning: Spoilers

Kevin Alyn Elders directed three Iron Eagle movies before he decided that the world needed a Dennis Rodman solo adventure. Here, The Worm is Simon, an Interpol agent, and he made this movie because there was a basketball league lockout in 1989.

Robert Downey Jr. Was in this for a few days and dropped out. He was replaced by Dane Cook which is the antonym of an upgrade. Go ahead. Look it up.

Written by Moshe Diamant (feardotcom), Rudy Cohen and Andrew Miller, this movie makes Double Team look like The Killer. Also: John Pinette plays a cyber monk named Brother Micro. There's also a girl by the name of Claire Fence (Natalia Cigliuti)who is kidnapped but doesn't know it that Cook is supposed to save, as well as an old enemy named The Dancer (Emma Wiklund from the Taxi movies) that wants to fight Simon again. Or have sex with him. Or have fight him while having sex. And an arms dealer named Ashton (Jerome Pradon) who is behind so much of this.

You know, I have no problem with athletes making movies. My love for Stone Cold is loud and repeated. But Rodman kind of snarl whispers every line and totally seems like he should be the villain in his own movie.

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