Scary Movie 3

Cindy:
Call it women's intuition, or ESPN, or both, but I can tell when danger's near...

President Harris:
You're excited? You should feel my nipples.

Cody:
It's a boy. He's going to be an a**hole.

Cody:
You're getting lucky tonight.

Cody:
He doesn't know you're a guy.

President Harris:
I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you.

George:
I have a dream.

Tom:
What is your dream?

George:
To have a dream.

Cindy:
Something weird is going on at your farm. I know it.

George:
I don't know what you're talking about. Sometimes a sheep just needs to be pushed through the fence.

George:
Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many b*tches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm wack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back

President Harris:
These men died defending their country. Send flowers to their b*tches and ho's.

Becca:
Have you heard about this video tape?

Kate:
The one where they do it on the boat? And then in the car? And then in the bathtub? and he's like "Hey baby. I love you..." and she's like "Where are we?" and did you see the size of his...

Becca:
No. Not that tape.

Cody:
Smoke all you want, you're gonna get hit by a bus.

Tom:
How do you like it?

George:
You guys ever wonder what it would be like to stop livin' up here

George:
and start livin' down here?

Mahalik:
Or what if we stop livin' over here

Mahalik:
and start livin' over there?

CJ:
Sh*t, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that b*tch got evicted though.

Mahalik:
For what?

CJ:
Mice.

Mahalik:
I thought she had rats?

CJ:
No, rate are out side, mice are inside.

Mahalik:
But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ:
I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik:
That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ:
Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real sh*t right there! A-Ha!

George:
Guys, I really don't see what this has anything to do with anything...

George:
Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's... She's dead.

Tom:
Oh. I better tell her.

George:
No, no, no. I can do it. Sue?

Sue:
Yes?

George:
You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?

Sue:
Yeah.

George:
She's dead!

Sue:
Aah!

George:
Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death! Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!

Sue:
My dog's dead?

George:
I just ran him over with the car when I drove in! Everyone you love around you is dying!

Sayaman:
Tom, I'm going to need a ride home.

The Architect:
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her... Linda.

Brenda Meeks:
Now who the f*** did that?

Tom:
Don't call me "dude". I haven't been a stoner since...

Becca:
You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules.

Becca:
Oh my God. Turn it off.

Kate:
It's not working.

Becca:
It's backwards.

Kate:
What do I do?

Becca:
I don't know.

Brenda Meeks:
There's something I need to tell you. I saw a tape. I think you should know about it. It had these really shocking images, Cindy.

Cindy:
Brenda, it was Mardi Gras, I never drank vodka before, and I was out of beads!

Brenda Meeks:
No, not that tape, Cindy.

Brenda Meeks:
I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an Asian person behind the wheel of a car.

Brenda Meeks:
Cindy, this b*tch is messing up my floor!

Brenda Meeks:
Cindy, help me!

Cindy:
I'm not listening.

Brenda Meeks:
Get up, you little ugly b*tch. Come on! Let me see what you got!

Brenda Meeks:
What you gonna do? That's all?

Brenda Meeks:
Ooh! I'm kicking her ass, Cindy! Yeah! What's up?

Ross Giggins:
Turning now to sports...

Ross Giggins:
and an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward:
Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins:
It's a horrible fate.

Cindy:
Carson, I have to do this.

Ross Giggins:
Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

Ross Giggins:
Oh, shizl gzngahr, % + 7, , 193419 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn (, , 18 469

Ross Giggins:
I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President y'all. I'm outie.

Simon Cowell:
I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic.

The Architect:
We loved our daughter very much, but she was evil. Made the horses crazy. Killed our puppies. Hid the remote. Really sick sh*t. My wife took her to the old family farm and drowned her in the well. I felt a simple time-out would have been sufficient.

Cindy:
And it's been circulating and killing ever since.

The Architect:
Just like Pootie Tang.

Carson Ward:
It's sweeps month. Ratings mean everything. People want human interest stories, like the one you did yesterday.

Cindy:
The report on breast augmentation? It was just ten minutes of topless women. People want hard hitting stories, and indepth coverage, and, and...

Carson Ward:
And TWINS.

Cindy:
Cody, did I ever tell you what your mom said about you the day you were born?

Cody:
No.

Cindy:
I was in the delivery room with her. She was having a hard time. Then you began to come out of her. And your mom screamed and screamed in pain. She yelled, "Just kill me. Bludgeon me with a bedpan. Whatever you do, put me out of this pain." She was gushing torrents of blood. I have this all on tape if you want to see it someday. Well, finally you came out. Your mom cut your umbilical cord herself. Well, on the second try. The first time she snipped your penis in half. After all, she was drunk. Actually, drugged. We'd been out the night before celebrating St. Patrick's Day. And she thought, "Hey, I never tasted crystal meth." So she did just a little.

Cody:
My penis?

Cindy:
Yes. They sewed it on upside down.

Cody:
So that's why I pee up?

Cindy:
Yes. We'll get it fixed, honey. It's on my list of things. Right after we get TiVo. Anyway, there you were. Your mom turned to me and she said, "Hey, you want him? Take him." And then she died. And I took you. Do you know why? I'd just lost my cat in a fire, and I needed something to pet and feed. And I miss that cat, Cody. But I love you. And nothing's ever gonna change that, not even the very painful death we're about to experience.

President Harris:
Get me the President.

John Wilson:
You are the President.

President Harris:
Good. Then I already know about this. Let's order lunch.

Cindy:
I'm looking for something more than just good sex.

Brenda Meeks:
I know. You want commitment.

Cindy:
No, I want great sex.

Architect:
It's already begun. You're too late.

Cindy:
Oh, my God.

Architect:
But not too late to make an old man happy.

Cindy:
And now back to you, Ross.

Ross Giggins:
I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

Cindy:
So can you tell me about...

Aunt Shaneequa:
The tape?

Cindy:
Yes. I watched it and...

Aunt Shaneequa:
The phone rang.

Cindy:
Right. Then this voice said...

Aunt Shaneequa:
That you would die in seven days.

Cindy:
Okay, that's getting...

Aunt Shaneequa:
Extremely annoying.

Cindy:
Yeah.

Orpheus:
Try being married to her. I catch sh*t about women I ain't slept with yet.

President Harris:
Ah, good. The Air Force is here with those new round planes.

Secret Serviceman Jones:
We don't have round planes, sir.

Cindy:
I can't belive you let that happen.

George:
I know, I'm sorry. I screwed up.

Cindy:
Listen, we can still save him. The answer to the tape, to your crop circles, is at a lighthouse. Oh, you think I'm crazy, don't you?

George:
Of course I do.

Becca:
There's so many magnetic waves traveling in the airspace because of TV and television, we're losing 10 times as many brain cells as we're supposed to.

Kate:
Oh, please.

Kate:
"The cow says blank." Three letters.

Becca:
Dude!

Kate:
"Dude"!

Trooper Champlin:
Your faith will return. Just as sure as the sun will rise.

Tom:
Sounds like a long shot.

Tom:
George, all you've done is chase adolescent fantasies. "I want to be an astronaut. A cowboy. Gynecologist to the stars."

George:
So, I'll be doing the rap battle at the 23 Club tomorrow night.

Brenda Meeks:
Oh, I don't believe this sh*t.

George:
Word! You two should come down! I'll be rappin', I'll be cappin', I'll be tappin', I'll be flappin', I'll be happen... ing. Ding, bing, wing. Yo!

Cindy:
Sounds good!

George:
Would, could, should, 'hood.

Brenda Meeks:
Ugh!

George:
Gug, mug, dug, bug.

Sayaman:
I'm sorry about that night. If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving for that exact 20 minutes. If I hadn't drank that exact whole bottle of Jaegermeister. If only I hadn't killed that hooker.

Tom:
Sayaman. I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie.

Sayaman:
I'm sorry. Those were other nights. But if it had been that night, I might have missed her.

Tom:
I want to see Annie.

Trooper Champlin:
She's split in half.

Tom:
You mean like down-the-middle in half?

Trooper Champlin:
At the waist.

Tom:
You mean this is the last time I can talk to the top half?

Trooper Champlin:
Yes. The truck is the only thing that is holding her together.

Tom:
Let's say this is her bottom half.

Tom:
Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?

Trooper Champlin:
I'm not sure what you mean.

Tom:
Let me explain.

Mrs. Meeks:
If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.

Cindy:
And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

Ward, Carson:
And I told you, Campbell, no more paranoid on-air rants about the supernatural.

Cindy:
I know. This station is about sex, violence, and the weather.

Ward, Carson:
Yes. That reminds me. We're gonna need that "Porn Star Shot Dead in a Hurricane" story.

Ross Giggins:
Meanwhile, a tornado in Charleston threatens a clothing-optional beach where just yesterday a naked couple was brutally murdered. This just five miles from where the last naked couple was brutally murdered.

Architect:
My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.

Ross Giggins:
Do they pose a threat? Only one thing's for certain. We are all going to be killed.

U-God:
You stepped on my shoe, b*tch!

Redman:
Man, call me a b*tch again and I'll park your truck - dead in yo ass.

Macy Gray:
DAMN, HOMEY!

CJ:
Hey yo, they comin! Over here!

RZA:
If I was you, son, I'd bust this sh*t right now.

Method Man:
Ya Momma!

U-God:
I got your number, too, homey.

Master P:
He ain't gonna bust nuthin. I got nuts bigger than him.

RZA:
Oh, yeah, I'll roll up on you too - country ass maple syrup eatin' nigga.

Master P:
Ya'll want some biscuits? You want some biscuits?

Tom:
Come here! What did you do with Sue?

MJ:
I didn't touch her, I swear!

Tom:
I don't believe you!

MJ:
Please, for God's sake! She's a girl!

Becca:
You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. (looks down at breasts) Aah! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate:
It's not working!

Becca:
It's backwards!

Kate:
What do we do?

Becca:
I don't know! Aaahhhh!

(the two run to the TV and shut it off.)

Kate:
That was kind of scary.

Becca:
I know something even scarier.

Kate:
Ooh, what?

Becca:
Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate:
The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-

Becca:
No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-

Kate:
Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca:
You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! (hits Kate with pillow)

Kate:
Oh, yes I was! (hits Becca with chair)

Becca:
You ho! (smashes glass vase on Kate's head)

Kate:
You know it! (whacks Becca with closed laptop)

CJ:
Sh*t, my Aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that b*tch got evicted though.

Mahalik:
For what?

CJ:
Mice.

Mahalik:
I thought she had rats?

CJ:
No, rats are outside, mice are inside.

Mahalik:
But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ:
I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik:
That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ:
Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real sh*t right there!

(on the phone)

Cindy:
Hello?

Tabitha's Voice:
(indistinct) Seven days.

Cindy:
What? Willie Mays?

Tabitha's Voice:
(indistinct) Seven days.

Cindy:
Who's gay? Hello?

Tabitha's Voice:
(indistinct) Seven days.

Cindy:
What?

Tabitha's Voice:
(slightly more clear) Can you hear me now?

Cindy:
Kind of.

Tabitha's Voice:
(perfectly audible) Can you hear me now?

Cindy:
Yes. Perfect.

Tabitha's Voice:
Seven days.

Cindy:
Seven days. Oh my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Tabitha's Voice:
Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.

Cindy:
So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Tabitha's Voice:
Forget hours. This day seven days from now.

Cindy:
But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?

Tabitha's Voice:
Well, that depends. What holiday?

Cindy:
Martin Luther King Day.

Tabitha's Voice:
Then no.

Cindy:
Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Tabitha's Voice:
Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the sh*t out of you if you'd rather have that. [Hangs up]

George:
[At Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?

Cindy:
Brenda was my b*tch.

Cindy:
Hello?

Tabitha's Voice:
It's me. How you doing?

Cindy:
Fine.

Tabitha's Voice:
Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?

Cindy:
Yeah.

Tabitha's Voice:
It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?

Cindy:
Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Tabitha's Voice:
Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

(Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again)

Cindy:
Hello?

Tabitha's Voice:
Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)

Cindy:
(gasps) No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Tabitha's Voice:
Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?

Cindy:
Fine. (writes the message down) Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. (Cindy holds the paper up, which reads SEVEN DAYS) AAAAHHH!!

Cindy:
But what is connection between the crop circles and the videotape?

The Architect:
The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.

Cindy:
Sedulant? I, uh...

The Architect:
Grotesquery? ...No? What about... (holds up dictionary) contingent affirmation? That's gotta mean something.

Ross Giggins:
Turning now to sports...

(Cindy types new text for the teleprompter)

Ross:
And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward:
[Noticing Ross, and Cindy at the teleprompter keyboard] Oh, no. [Rushes over to Cindy] Campbell, are you insane?!

Ross:
It's a horrible fate.

Cindy:
Carson, I have to do this!

[Ward shoves Cindy out of the way and types new text; Cindy comes back and the two begin fighting for control of the teleprompter keyboard.]

Ross:
Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[The Janitor joins in, making it a three-way fight over the teleprompter's keyboard.]

Ross:
O shizl gzngahr BBBBBTTTTTGGGGTGGGGTGGGG shzn blah hary % + 7, , 1 9 3 4 19 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn (, , 18 4 6 9

[The Janitor has won the fight for the keyboard. He smirks as he types, then leaves the studio.]

Ross:
I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President, y'all. I'm outie. Peace.

Mahalik:
You know Jamal, from 92nd Street? This morning, he woke up dead!

CJ:
How in the hell do you wake up dead?

Mahalik:
'Cause you're alive when you go to sleep.

CJ:
You're telling me you can go to bed dead and wake up alive?

Mahalik:
You can't go to bed dead! That sh*t would be redundant.

CJ:
No, it wouldn't. 'Cause you can go to bed and not be dead, and you can die but not be in a bed.

Mahalik:
But you are in a bed, man. That's how you wake up dead in the first place, foo'!

CJ:
Damn! That's some quantum sh*t right there, man!

Cindy:
All you need is a family...

George:
And we can be that family.

(Tabitha turns into a little girl)

Tabitha:
Thank you all. Your love has broken the curse and freed my soul. I'll never have to kill again.

Cindy:
Really?

(Tabitha turns back into a corpse)

Tabitha:
Nah! I'm just screwing with you! (she raises a knife)

(President Harris opens the door and unknowingly hits Tabitha, causing her to fall in the well)

President Harris:
I just wanted to tell you both, good luck, we're all counting on you.

(Tom gets hit in the groin with a plank of wood)

Tom:
Argh! My balls!

(George brings him two bowling balls, and hits him in the balls with them again)

Tom:
No, not those... Jesus!

(George runs up with a plastic Jesus statue)

Tom:
No!

Trooper Champlin:
This... is your wife. (snaps a hot dog in half)

Tom:
She broke her weiner?

Trooper Champlin:
(sighs) Tom, look what happens to the taco. (breaks a taco in half)

Tom:
I, I don't understand all this medical lingo. I wanna see Anne!

Trooper Champlin:
Your wife is split in half.

Tom:
(splitting a sub sandwich down the middle) You mean like, down the middle in half?

Trooper Champlin:
(sighs) At the waist. That truck is the only thing keeping her alive.

Tom:
You mean, this is the only time I can talk to the top half?

Trooper Champlin:
Yes.

Tom:
Well, let's just say this is her bottom half. (pulls out a donut) Can I spend a little time with that?

Trooper Champlin:
I don't understand what you mean.

Tom:
(now holding a hot dog) Okay, let me explain.

Trooper Champlin:
Just go to her.

Agent Thompson:
Room is secure, Mr President.

President Harris:
Or is it?

Agent Thompson:
Sir?

President Thompson:
I've been thinking, Thompson. What if the aliens could take over human bodies, they'd look just like us? Or almost?

Agent Thompson:
I'd never thought of that, sir. We should be on the alert for anything suspicious.

President Harris:
They can be anywhere. Even...

Agent Thompson:
Right here. My God, we'd never see the attack coming. It's frightening, sir.

President Harris:
Don't panic. [quietly] We'll just move slowly toward the exit.

Annie:
Promise me you'll never remarry.

Tom:
I promise.

Annie:
And no sex, either.

Tom:
I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.

Annie:
No sex.

Tom:
Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.

Annie:
No sex.

Tom:
Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery!

Annie:
(shouts) No sex!

Tom:
Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.

Annie:
Oh, Jesus.

Tom:
That's right, honey. Go into the light.

Annie:
Look! Just tell George, swing away.

Tom:
Right. Swing away.

Annie:
Oh, sure. That you understand. (dies)

(Cindy sees George unconscious on the table. He begins to wake up)

Cindy:
George, what happened?

George:
I don't know. Me and Cody were playing a fun game and... (looks down at gameboard) Yahtzee! (stands up and bangs his head on a shelf, then falls onto the table again)

President Harris:
Isn't this great? Humans and aliens working together. We're one big, happy, intergalactic family.

George:
Family. Huh. That's just what I've been running away from.

President Harris:
Well, that's because you're an idiot.

Brenda Meeks:
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole!

Brenda Meeks:
Hell with you.

Cody:
(pointing at a man's toupee) That's not fooling anyone.

The Architect:
She scared the horses, killed the puppies, hid the remote. Really sick sh*t. My wife killed her by drowning her in a nearby well. I thought a time-out would have been fine.