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What I'm looking for may not exist, but I hope to goodness it does — across many books, series, web novels, etc. Please feel free to recommend anything that fits, even if it only "kind of" fits. (And please no comments about how this is a very specific ask and I should probably just write the book myself if this is what I want.) TIA!
Type: A fantasy romance — no preference on which one it gears toward. Some people call this low or urban fantasy.
Setting: It takes place at least partially in modern day Earth — cell phones, internet, all that jazz. If there is a secondary setting, it can be high or urban fantasy. Examples: Guild Codex series, Dragon Heart Legacy, A Curse So Dark and Lonely, The Magicians
FMC: A woman, aged 25+, who is known for more than being hot, bratty, dumb, and/or klutzy. Although she herself may or may not be magical, she is not exposed to magic until the story starts. Examples: Tori from Guild Codex: Spellbound, Breen from the Dragon Heart Legacy, Eve from Eaternal Nocturnals
MMC: A man, aged 25+, who is known for being intense. He can be a villain, hero, or morally gray. Likely, he's a bit broody, very powerful, has a lot of banter with FMC, and eventually becomes incredibly protective of her. He's also likely OP as shit. Examples: InuYasha from InuYasha, Zak from Guild Codex, Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender
Spice: Don't care. Closed door to 5 chili peppers works.
Magic System: Magic can exist only in our world, only in the secondary setting, or both. But, in our world, magic is not the norm and most people don't know about it. Examples: Guild Codex, Dragon Heart Legacy, Magicians, respectively
Audience: ADULT. Please no young adult.
Bonus Points: A scene where the fantasy-grounded MMC is confused by our world in an adorable/hilarious/interesting way. Examples: InuYasha at the grocery store, Zylas from the Guild Codex: Unveiled in the pizza shop, etc.
Can't do: Any story where the problem could be resolved simply by talking to each other, breeding kinks, fated mates, third act breakups, pregnancy, slavery, Ilonia Andrews (already read), Ruby Dixon (doesn't do it for me)
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The central romance is a marriage on the rocks that doesn’t get better, but other than that The Acts Of Caine by Matthew Stover ticks most of your boxes.
This is an “only kind of fits” suggestion because its real world is an alternate early 20th century England, but the Stariel series by AJ Lancaster otherwise fits your criteria decently well. It’s a fantasy romance. The heroine is an adult used to supporting herself, smart, capable, and unfamiliar with magic. The hero is, not to spoil it, but definitely powerful and from a non-human realm. His intensity is mostly hidden behind a mild veneer but it is there. Warning that one of your dislikespregnancy happens at the very end of book 3.
Largely fits.
Barbara Hambly's Windrose Chronicles, although it was written and set in the 80s so no internet yet. Older computer programmer FMC, parallel secondary world with magic, love interest wields magic.
Standalone - Emma Bull's War for the Oaks. 80s again. Rock singer FMC, faeries, brooding MMC. Pretty sure there's some confused by modern world.
Possible - Charles de Lint's standalone Moonheart. 80s yet again, FMC, parallel magic world, brooding bard. Can't remember how much actual romance it has though.
Other than that I'm really struggling to think of much. Most are the flip of this, with the female being magical or aware of things from the start. Or they don't involve romance, like The Merchant Princes.
Since we can't have everything, I suggest having a look at Cloak Games by Jonathan Moeller, which has at least a fair bit of what you requested. The first book is free on Kindle and other ebook platforms, so you can give it a try before committing.
This book is intensely weird but, The Unseelie Duke by Kathryn Ann Kingsley meets all of this. Technically at the start she's a witch but more in the way that she has a bunch of crystals and is messing around in an amateur way, not that she is powerful at all or actually doing real magic.
Pestilence by Laura Thalassa also mostly works for this. Yes this one is weird too as it's a romance with the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse but it's actually good.
Darkfever by Karen Marie Moning fits a lot of this except the MMC is completely used to the modern world. FMC maybe starts a little more hot/dumb than you want but she develops quickly and isn't like that for most of the series.
Gwyneth Jones' As Bold As Love books are very close to being what you want.
Big Trouble in Little China
You might like Wheels of Fire by Mercedes Lackey. It's the second in The SERRAted Edge series, but it works as a standalone.
The Sword of Maiden's Tears by Rosemary Edghill seems like it would also fit.
The Mercy Thompson series mostly fits, although the characters know about magic before the first book starts.
Dresden Files
I mean Seanan McGuire's October Daye series is pretty much a shoe in for this. Toby is aware of magic at the start, but she is emphatically exposed in the opening chapter and her entire life changes. And there's definitely a brooding intense male character. The fantasy world in question is the Faerie world in parallel with our own.
I dunno, I read the first one and she not only didn’t have a romance in it (I hear she does later but that would take some commitment to get to), she’s incredibly dumb. She spends the entire book blundering into dangerous situations and having to be rescued, then immediately running off to do the same thing again. Not to mention the bits where she conveniently forgets her powers, hands her only weapon to a potential enemy, etc etc.
I know this series has its fans but book 1 (obviously as far as I read) is my go-to example for a “too stupid to live” heroine which sounds like not what OP is looking for!
Edit: also, isn’t she part fae? Definitely familiar with that world before the story starts
Yeah, I think the actual romance starts in book 2 or 3, then later there's a change in love interest, which builds over the rest. There's a lot of books though so my memories on when exactly what happens is pretty hazy.
Toby definitely grows a lot as a character.
I could maybe have handled her being a massive idiot if the book had shown an awareness that that’s what she was. But everybody kept praising her nonexistent skills, like…????
At any rate, given OP is looking for fantasy romance they probably want at least a taste of it in book 1
Rivers of London series