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Irish Old Age Jokes at The Irish Gift House
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Irish Old Age Jokes
Irish old age jokes prove that with time both wisdom and humor are inevitable.
Mary Kate Danaher, a spry 85-year-old widow, went on a blind date with Sean Thornton, a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, her daughter thought that her mother seemed rather upset. “What happened?” the daughter asked. “You look as if you are upset after your date.” “I had to slap his face three times!” Mary Kate replied. “You mean he got fresh with you?” the daughter asked. “No, not at all, I thought the old codger was dead!”
Mick and Danny were at the pub quietly nursing a couple of pints when Mick proclaimed to Danny, “When I was young, I was poor, but after many years of hard work, I am no longer young.”
Two old men hobble into an Irish pub. One says, “I’ve heard Guinness puts lead in your pencil. Shall we try some?” “All right,” says the other. “But to be honest, I’ve got nobody to write to.”
On their sixtieth anniversary Sean and Mary took a walk back to their old high school, holding hands all the way. The school building was not locked, so they entered, and wandered around the corridors and classroom, reminiscing about their happy school days together. On their way back home, an armored car passed them, and a bag fell out, practically landing at their feet. Mary quickly picked it up, but not being sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. The bag contained €50,000! Sean said, “We have to give it back.” Mary said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic. The next day, two garda detectives were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Pardon me”, the detective said, “but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Mary said, “No.” Sean said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” Mary said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” The detectives question Sean, “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Sean began, “Well, when Mary and I were walking home from school yesterday…” The first detective turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”
After the eighty-four-year-old lady finished her annual physical examination, Doc Murphy said to her, “You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Sullivan, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?” “Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband.” Mrs. Sullivan stepped out into the crowded waiting room and yelled out loud, “Sean dear, do we still have intercourse?” Suddenly, there was a hush in the waiting room. It was literally so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Sean answered impatiently, “If I have told you once, Kathleen, I have told you a hundred times. What we have is Blue Cross!”
Garda Murphy sees a little old lady walking down a Dublin street, dragging two plastic garbage bags. While he is watching her, he observes that there is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a €20 note flies out of it onto the pavement. As she goes to pass him, the policeman stops her. “Excuse me ma’am, but did you know there are €20 notes falling out of that bag?” “Dear me!” says the little old lady. “I had better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning officer.” “Well now, not so fast. How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?” “Oh, no,” says the little old lady. “You see me back garden backs up to the stadium parking area. After each hurling match or football game, a lot of fans pee in me hedges, right into me flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and say, ‘€20 or off it goes!'” “Fair play!” laughs the officer. “Well good luck. By the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Oh that,” the little old lady replies, “not all of them pay.”
Sean and Mary are their 70’s; they have been courting and are discussing marriage. Mary says, “I want to keep my house.” Sean replied, “That’s fine with me.” Mary says, “I want to keep my Cadillac.” Sean replies, “That’s also fine with me.” Mary then adds, “I want to have sex 6 days a week.” Sean replies, “Put me down for Wednesday”.
Two elderly friends, Colleen and Maureen, hadn’t seen each other in a while, but met while shopping. Colleen inquired, “And how is your husband?” “Oh! Paddy died last week.” He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!” Colleen was shocked by the news and said, “Oh dear! I am so very sorry. What did you do?” Maureen replied, “I opened a can of peas instead.”
Murphy didn’t have long to live, and his four children were gathered around his deathbed. As the eighty-year-old widower seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the plans for his funeral. One of his children wanted to spend only a hundred Euros for a coffin. The second child thought that a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All of Murphy’s children agreed that there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference. Just then, Murphy stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. “Children”, he said, “I have never told you this and never wanted to, but I can’t go to my final resting place with this burden. My children, your dear departed mother and I were never married”. His eldest son was aghast. “You mean we’re….” “Murphy replied, “Right you are. And cheap ones at that!”
The interviewer asked old man Murphy on his 99th birthday the secrets to his longevity. Murphy replied, "For better digestion I drink beer. In case of appetite loss I drink white wine. In case of low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the event of high blood pressure I drink whiskey. When I have a cold I drink scotch.” The interviewer was amazed and inquired, "When do you drink water?" "I don't." responded Murphy, "I've never been that sick."As a young lad Paddy asked Grandpa Sullivan, "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?" "Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the Paddy begins drinking coffee and doing the same. 90 years pass and Paddy finally dies having reached the age of 102. He left behind 5 kids, 18 grandkids, 43 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.Old aunt Mary Malone says, “If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but…”
Old Sean O'Farrell was reminiscing about the good old days. "When I was a boy, my mother would send me with $1.00 to the corner store. I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and a dozen eggs. You just can't do that today...too many security cameras."
An elderly couple on a road trip, Sean and Mary Kate, stopped for lunch. Back on the road, and after traveling about half an hour, Mary Kate realized that she left her glasses at the restaurant. To complicate matters, it was several miles before they could exit the interstate to turn around. All the way back, in a classic grouchy old man style, Sean complained about the loss of time and the waste of fuel. He continued to berate Mary Kate, he just couldn't believe that she could forget her glasses. Sean would not let up, but finally, to Mary Kate's relief, they reach the restaurant. As Mary Kate left the car to retrieve her glasses, Sean yelled to Mary Kate, "As long as you are going inside, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
Sean was sitting at the pub having a few pints with his old friend Donal. Sean gestured across the bar at two old drunks and said, "You know that's us in about ten years." Donal sighed and turned to Sean and said, "You eejit, that's a mirror!"
O'Brien was reminiscing about older cars. They were fine running machines but they didn't have any cup holders...you had to drive with your beer between your legs.
Since it started snowing, all grandma O'Connor has done is stare through the window. If the snow gets any worse we may need to let her back in.
After a long day of Christmas shopping in big city Dublin, Patricia Muldoon was driving home on a cold lonely country road when she saw an elderly woman walking along the side. Patricia stopped and asked the woman if she would like a lift. With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Patricia tried in vain to make conversation with the woman, but was unsuccessful. The old woman looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Patricia. "What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Patricia responded, "It's a bottle of whiskey that I got for my husband." The old Irish woman was silent for a moment or two, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
Old Monaghan was reminiscing and said, "When I was a little kid, my dad would swear and then say 'Excuse my French'. Then one day my 3rd grade teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language, so I raised my hand."
Elderly Mick McGrath was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, Mick asked to speak to his son and said, "Don't be nervous boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me...your mother is going to live with you."
O'Farrell is on his death bed, and his family has come in from all over Ireland to be with him in his final hours. He opens his eyes, and says "Is Mary here? My beautiful, loyal wife?" "Oh yes, my handsome prince! I'm right here!" Mary replies. O'Farrell continues, "And what of my strapping boys, who always made me proud? Danny, Patrick, Mick, are you boys here?" "Yes father, we're right here." Where are my beautiful daughters, Kathleen and Brigid?" The daughters sob, "We are right here daddy." O'Farrell continues, "Are all my grandchildren and great grandchildren also here at my side?" "Yes, grampa!" O'Farrell weakly asks, "So everyone is here in this very room with me right now?" "Yes, yes, of course!" O'Farrell lets out a sigh, and shouts, "THEN WHY IS EVERY DAMN LIGHT IN THE HOUSE ON?!"
Jack Kennedy was getting up in his years and has slowed down both mentally and physically so he and his children decided it was time for him to move into assisted living. After much research and deliberation the siblings selected a home that they believed would provide loving care for their father. After a few days a nurse noticed Jack leaning to the right so she propped a pillow on the left side of his chair. Later that day the nurse noticed him leaning to the left so she propped a pillow on the right side of his chair. Not long after that the nurse noticed Jack leaning forward in his chair so she strapped him to the back of the chair. That night Jack's daughter came to visit him. "How do you like this place?" she asked. "It's not bad," Jack replied, "except they won't let me fart."
Two old Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. "Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done." "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went to her grandparent's house to visit 95 year-old grandmother O'Malley and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, ding and dong, ding and dong. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that darn ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Old man O'Toole and his wife were sitting on their patio watching the sun set. He says "I love you". His wife had not heard those words in a while asked, "Is that you talking, or is that your beer talking?" O'Toole replies, "I'm talking to my beer."
A few days before Christmas, Flanagan, who lives in Ireland, calls his son in New York. He says "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" The son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "No way are they getting divorced!" She shouts. "I'll take care of this." Immediately she calls Ireland and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until we get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by Christmas Eve. Until then, don't do a single thing. DO YOU HERE ME?" and she hangs up. Flanagan hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas and they're paying their own way."
Eighty seven year old Liam O'Malley went to his annual checkup. The doctor asked him if he was still getting up in the middle of the night and going to the bathroom. Liam replied, "Yes but the Lord has made it much better for me, He turns on the light when I go and He turns off the light when I am done." The doctor incredulously replied, "Really!!!" About an hour after the examination the doctor called Liam's wife and said, "Liam looks fine but he said that God is making it better for him. When he gets up and goes to the bathroom during the night God turns on and off the light. Mrs. O'Malley sighed, "That's because the old fool can't tell the difference between the bathroom and the refrigerator."
A young man, Fergus O'Hara, was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said with misty eyes, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who has since passed on. You two would have been about the same age." "That's a shame," replied Fergus, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered Fergus. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would take care of her bill," said the clerk.
Old man Casey and old man Sullivan were contemplating life when Casey asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?” “Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sullivan.
“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey then to forget where you keep the bottle!”
Two eighty-year-olds were watching TV. "Pat, me darling," said Molly. "Would you ever do me a favor? Would you go into the kitchen and get me some ice cream out of the freezer?" "I will," said Pat. "Well, shall I write it down for you?" asked Molly. "Because your memory's not what it was." "Don't be stupid, woman. I can remember a simple thing like a plate of ice cream," snorted Pat. "Yes, but I was thinking of having a little chocolate sauce poured on it, so I'd better write it down." "Good God in heaven," bawled Pat. "I'm not stupid you know. I can remember ice cream with chocolate sauce." "Yes, but do you know those sprinkle decorations. I was thinking I’d like some of them on top. I'd better draw a picture," said Mary. "You'll do no such thing," said Pat. "I can remember ice cream, chocolate sauce and sprinkles. Just hang on a minute." Hang on Mary did, one minute, ten, twenty, forty. Eventually Pat returned carrying a tray. On the tray was a plate. On the plate was egg, bacon and sausage. "See, I told you. I should have written everything down," said Mary. "Why's that?" asked Pat. "You've forgotten my toast," she snapped.
Paddy from Dublin, a balding, white haired man, walked into a high end jewelry store late last Friday evening with a much younger and strikingly beautiful woman at his side. Paddy told the jeweler he was looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. Paddy said, “No, No, that’s a mere bauble… I'd like to see something much more special.” At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here's a stunning ring at only $500,000.00,” the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Old Paddy seeing her reaction told the jeweler, “I think we'll take it.” The jeweler asked how payment would be made and Paddy stated, “By cheque. But I know you’ll need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now. You can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and we'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned Paddy and said “There's no money in your account!” “I know,” said Paddy wearily…but let me tell you all about my fantastic weekend!!”
A group of Irish seniors met at the pub and were sitting around talking about all their ailments. My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this pint of beer," said Murphy. "Yes, I know," said Sullivan. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my beer." "I couldn't even mark an "X" to sign my name, my hands are so crippled," volunteered O’Neill. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!” said Boyle. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said Reilly. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed O’Rourke. "And half the time I forget where I am, and where I'm going." To which several nodded weakly in agreement. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting older," winced old man Flynn, as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings," Flanagan cheerfully said, "Thank God all of us can still drive."
A friend asked O’Shea, “Now that you are retired, what do you do to keep your day interesting.” “Well, for example”, replied O’Shea, “the other day I walked out of a shop and there was a cop writing out a parking ticket so I said, ‘Come on doughnut boy, how about giving a senior citizen a break.’ The officer ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a ‘jerk’. His only response to me was to write another ticket for having worn out tires. I told him that he should try to catch some real criminals, but I didn’t think that he was bright enough to catch a cold. And one it went, the more I abused him the more tickets he placed on the windshield. After 20 minutes my bus pulled up, so I boarded and took it back home. Now that I’m retired, I try to have a little fun each day. It’s important at my age.”
Old Mrs. Flannery & the widow Sullivan were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
When I die, I want to pass away like Grandpa Murphy, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Clancy was invited to Doolan’s home for dinner. Doolan proceeded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her honey, my love, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. Clancy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, so while Mrs. Doolan was off in the kitchen he said to Doolan; "I think that it is wonderful that after all these years you’ve been together, you still call your wife pet names." Doolan hung his head. "To tell you the truth", he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago".
Murphy had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed Murphy to hear 100%. A month later Murphy went back to the doctor for a follow-up and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' Murphy replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Casey and Flannagan were sitting on a bench under a tree when Casey turns to Flannagan and says, "I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Flannagan says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Maguire asked O’Carroll, his eighty-year old buddy, 'Is it true that you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
86-year-old Mr. O'Reilly, who is hard of hearing, visits his doctor and complains about a variety of ailments. Doc Ryan looks him over, runs some tests and gives Mr. O'Reilly the diagnosis. Doc Ryan is curious that Mr. O'Reilly smiles when he hears the news. Knowing that Mr. O'Reilly is deaf as a doorknob, he questions the old man to make sure that he understands the results. "Sure," answered the smiling Mr. O'Reilly, "I heard you clearly." A couple of evenings later Doc Ryan sees Mr. O'Reilly having the time of his life with a hot young blond under his arm. Doc Ryan exclaims, "What the heck are you doing, do you have a death wish?" "What do you mean Doc? I'm following your instructions to the letter! You said, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" "You are a deaf old goat," replies Doc Ryan. "I said you've got a heart murmur and be careful!"
