Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?