I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.