Elizabeth: Queen, Wife, Mother – review

Jeremy Paxman, John Humphrys – watch out. There's a new hard man in town, a pit bull of interrogation. OK, Alan Titchmarsh has been around for ever, but here in Elizabeth: Queen, Wife, Mother (ITV), he reaches new levels of bad-dogness.

How about this for a question, to Princess Anne: "As the only girl in the family of boys, the Queen could be a more direct role model for you than for you brothers – did that feeling occur to you?" No, not really, says Anne. But Titch isn't going to let it go: he won't be brushed aside, he has her in the corner now, he's going in for the kill. "Can I ask you," he inquires, "about the Queen's strength as a mother?"

Or take this to Prince William, as they wander through Clarence House: "Sir, do you remember the first time you came to Clarence House? What was your first encounter with it?" Eurgh. I don't care if it's official protocol – it's just wrong for a 63-year-old to call a 29-year-old "sir".

Next it's off to Buckingham Palace for a chat with Prince Andrew, again wandering behind the scenes. Titchmarsh spends a lot of the programme in corridors of the royal houses, and all of it in the back passages of the family who live in them. This was where they used to play cricket and football, says Andrew. It was a perfectly normal childhood, of course, just like anyone else's. They called mummy "mummy" unless they wanted something, in which case it became "your Majesty". And, yes, they saw her most bedtimes.

Alan laughs just like everyone. He nods, he claps his hands together demurely and sickeningly (it actually made me feel nauseous). Of course, this lot don't need a proper grilling, but they could have done with some actual questions, instead of this disgusting display of bum-lickery. Talk about the sycophant in the room. Maybe he thinks he'll get a knighthood out of it. The funny thing is, they're probably looking at him, thinking: who is this horrid, snivelling little worm of a man they've sent?