FADE IN:

ROBIN WILLIAMS watches a recital of PETER PAN, but not really. He's actually talking on his EARLY FLIP CELL PHONE. His daughter, AMBER SCOTT, plays Wendy.

AMBER SCOTT

(Onstage)

Long ago, Steven Spielberg wanted to do a live-action sequel to the animated Disney Peter Pan movie that people had seen. But that fell through, so he made this non-Disney movie based on the original books and play that only Pan obsessives are familiar with. That is the legend of why you don't recognize anything.

ROBIN's son, CHARLIE KORSMO, is also not watching. He's gripping a BASEBALL to quickly show us how OBSESSED he is with his upcoming game. Only ROBIN'S wife, CAROLINE GOODALL, is watching AMBER get fed her lines from offstage.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

(On cell phone)

Yeah, isn't this wild? I can actually talk on a phone anywhere I feel like! What an exclusive tool of elite workaholics like myself here in 1991!

(To CHARLIE)

I know I've missed every game of your's this season, but not a chance I'll miss this next one because of work!

CHARLIE KORSMO

Awesome! Hey, who's directing this movie again? Oh no...

INT. AIRPLANE

CHARLIE is sitting with ROBIN and acting like a total BRAT.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Charlie, will you stop throwing that baseball around in this airplane?! You'll break a window and suck us all out!

CHARLIE KORSMO

Haha, you're AFRAID TO FLY!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Look, we're flying all the way to London to see your grandmother, MAGGIE SMITH. The Peter Pan character of Wendy was based on her. So could you please cool it a bit before you break something?

CHARLIE KORSMO

I don't have to do what you say! You missed my baseball game, which makes you the worst parent in the world!

He actually DOES break something, but thinks it's CUTE.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Ugh, will you GROW UP!?

CHARLIE KORSMO

Will anything in this movie not be so on your giant nose?

INT. MAGGIE SMITH'S HOUSE

It is NOT. ROBIN nags CHARLIE NONSTOP as they enter. MAGGIE is delighted to meet them, and also see ROBIN for the first time in more than a DECADE, because, again, WORKAHOLIC.

MAGGIE SMITH

It's so good to see Caroline, my biological granddaughter, and her husband Robin, one of many orphan children I adopted before finding permanent parents for him!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

I married a relative from my adoptive family? What kind of a movie is this?

CAROLINE GOODALL

(Bent over between two suitcases)

Help me, step-uncle, I'm stuck!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Not now, we have to get ready for the dinner honoring Maggie at the real hospital that owns the rights to Peter Pan. But first I have to take this important cell phone call.

It is INTERRUPTED by AMBER and CHARLIE SCREAMING and RUNNING in his BEDROOM like it's a PLAYGROUND.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Will you SHUT UP?!

Everyone loses their GODDAMN MINDS.

CAROLINE GOODALL

Robin, they were only playing dodgeball in your bedroom during a very important work call! You shouldn't act so impulsively! Ugh, give me that!

She throws his PHONE out the window! The DOG grabs and BURIES it, because she knows it's BAD.

INT. MAGGIE SMITH'S HOUSE- LATER

CHARLIE and AMBER have been KIDNAPPED! The HOUSE has been TORN UP; A long HOOK GASH has been torn in the wall, leading UPSTAIRS.

MAGGIE SMITH

Wait, why is this mark on the right wall and slanting upwards? Isn't Hook's hook on his left hand?

ARTHUR MALET

He must have tied up the kids, and then made a special trip up the stairs backwards while dragging his hook just to make that.

MAGGIE SMITH

Wow, you really have lost your marbles!

The HOOK GASH leads to a NOTE stuck on the wall with a DAGGER. The POLICE are called, but are useless against MAGICAL crimes. MAGGIE takes ROBIN aside.

MAGGIE SMITH

Robin, there's something I should tell you: You are the real Peter Pan. All of those stories are true, uh, except for the parts where Hook and Tinkerbell died and I adopted every one of the Lost Boys. But now you must return to Neverland to save your kids.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Sure, Grandma, let's get you to bed.

MAGGIE SMITH

It's true! You don't remember because Neverland makes you forget.

(To audience)

Everyone pay attention to that vague throwaway line, it explains half the movie.

(To Robin)

What do you remember from before I adopted you at age twelve?

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Absolutely nothing, and that isn't weird at all.

MAGGIE SMITH

Also, I clearly still have a crush on you, my former adopted son, after all these years.

POLICE OFFICER

So that's how it is in their family...

INT. SMITH HOUSE NURSERY

ROBIN is in the room alone. There is a streak of light as FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS crash-lands into a dollhouse.

FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS

Robin, we must go to Neverland right now without telling anyone! Mysteriously disappearing after this kidnapping won't make you a suspect or anything!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

What? I don't believe in fairie-

She KIDNAPS HIM and flies away with him wrapped in a BEDSHEET.

EXT. NEVERLAND- PIRATE VILLAGE

JULIA drops ROBIN here, the WORST POSSIBLE PLACE. After a warmup act by BOB HOSKINS, Captain DUSTIN HOFFMAN, the TITLE CHARACTER, finally makes an appearance, addressing the PIRATE CROWD.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

I had the crocodile that ate my hand stuffed and turned into a broken town square clock. I did this ages ago, but the audience has to find out somehow. Also, I've kidnapped Robin Williams' kids to lure him back here for a great showdown!

DUSTIN has CHARLIE and AMBER raised from the ship's hold in a NET! ROBIN rushes up to DUSTIN.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

What? You can't be my great and worthy opponent! You're too fat, old, stupid, and also fat.

BOB HOSKINS

But look how hairy his chest is!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

By Jove, it's Robin Williams all right! But how?

FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS flies up and pushes her way to DUSTIN with her ANT-MAN-LIKE STRENGTH ABILITY. They agree that she can have three days to prep him. She shakes his hook on the deal with her tiny hand. It feels SEXUAL somehow.

One of the PIRATES bumps a bound-up ROBIN overboard and he starts to DROWN. Fortunately a lot of MERMAIDS just happen to be RIGHT THERE and save him by passionately MAKING OUT WITH HIM.

EXT. LOST BOYS' TREEHOUSE COMPLEX

A giant CLAMSHELL drops ROBIN off near the top of a cliff where he immediately PRATFALLS and rolls downhill. He lands in front of a sleeping FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS, who awakens.

FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS

Ha ha, you're alive! I saw you fall into the ocean while tied up, so I went home and took a nap.

She announces ROBIN'S return to the INCREDIBLE SET THAT IS THE TREEHOUSE COMPLEX. The LOST BOYS, still wearing the same Victorian-ish clothing they had on when they first arrived, stop SKATEBOARDING, PLAYING BASKETBALL, and other VICTORIAN-ERA KIDS' ACTIVITIES to gather around. DANTE BASCO'S STUNT DOUBLE backflips off of a high skateboard-sail thing and swings in on a vine.

DANTE BASCO

I am Dante. I take care of the place while the Master is away.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Woah, someone was rocking the crop-top before it was cool!

DANTE BASCO

You can't be Peter Pan! You're too fat, old, stupid, and also fat.

Lost Boy ISAIAH ROBINSON plays with ROBIN'S face until he looks enough like PAN to him. This somehow convinces the first few LOST BOYS that he's PAN.

INT. DUSTIN HOFFMAN'S PIRATE CAPTAIN LAIR

DUSTIN points a GUN to his head and says he's going to shoot himself until BOB stops him. This is FUNNY and not DEEPLY DISTURBING.

BOB HOSKINS

Say, what if, instead of killing yourself, you turned Robin Williams' kids against him and made them like you?

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

I like it! And then let's make the critics like this movie as well!

BOB HOSKINS

Let's not get carried away...

INT. A CLASSROOM SET UP INSIDE THE PIRATE SHIP SOMEHOW

CHARLIE and AMBER are sitting behind desks.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Lesson One: Why Parents Hate Their Children. Does anyone know why they tell you bedtime stories?

AMBER SCOTT

Because they love us!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Wrong! They tell you stories to shut you up!

BOB HOSKINS

Ooh, a lie with a kernel of truth to it! Those are the best!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

And did you know that before you were born, your parents were happy? They would stay up all night just to see the sun rise.

BOB HOSKINS

Never mind.

CHARLIE KORSMO

Yes. Yes, this is all true.

AMBER SCOTT

Charlie, this man kidnapped us and was ready to kill us both! Don't you remember the net?

CHARLIE KORSMO

Dad missed my baseball game! And Neverland makes you forget!

DUSIN HOFFMAN

Here are your report cards already.

AMBER SCOTT

An "F?" AN "F?" How could you possibly give me an "F?!"|

CHARLIE KORSMO

Weren't you just talking about how he's a monster that we shouldn't listen to?

AMBER SCOTT

Yes, but, an "F?"

She EXPLODES IN FLAMES.

EXT. LOST BOYS' TREEHOUSE COMPLEX- COMMUNE TABLE

A lot of empty wooden bowls and dishes are laid out. The LOST BOYS begin hungrily pretending to eat from them.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

What's going on? This is stupid.

DANTE BASCO

Your face is stupid.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Well you're stupid...at...face!

The LOST BOYS make a WHISTLING CRASH-AND-BURN sound.

DANTE BASCO

Darth Vader is a better father than you!

Everyone OOOHS! A PG-RATED INSULT WAR ensues.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

(Actual line)

You...math tutor!

DANTE BASCO

Math tutors help struggling kids with important lessons, like "If Robin spends 17 hours a day on work, how many liquor stores will Charlie rob before he's 25?"

ROBIN WILLIAMS

That headdress looks like a goth chicken.

DANTE BASCO

With that delivery, "Flubber" is now just your nickname.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

"Avatar: The Last Airbender?" More like "Notastar: My Last Paycheck!"

EVERYONE OOOHS!

FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS

You're doing it, Robin! You're playing with us!

DANTE BASCO

You're so old, you were on "Eight is Enough!"

ROBIN WILLIAMS

"Eight is enough" is what you said when you looked at your IMDB credits!

Everyone goes WILD! ROBIN flings imaginary food at DANTE. It suddenly becomes REAL.

FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS

You got your imagination back! And all you had to do was insult a child!

A FOOD FIGHT ensues, because it is a 90'S KIDS' MOVIE.

EXT. LOST BOYS' TREEHOUSE COMPLEX

ROBIN is jumping off of high ledges in failed attempts to fly. Suddenly, a BASEBALL that CHARLIE hit bonks him on the head!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

A ball hit an hour ago? Lousy Neverland laws of physics!

ROBIN sees his SHADOW come free and lead him to the SECRET PAN ROOM. This is WHIMSICAL and not a sign the ball gave him a CONCUSSION. JULIA is inside.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

What happened to this place?

FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS

Dustin Hoffman. Burned it when you didn't come back.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Wait, so he knows exactly where we live and hasn't destroyed us? And we never moved?

JULIA shrugs.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Hold on, I suddenly remember everything! My bed was here, you slept here, and Arthur Malet was here!

FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS

Wonderful!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

No, I mean I remember EVERYTHING! Let me retell the entire story of Peter Pan to you!

He DOES.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

...and then I immediately fell madly in love with Maggie's granddaughter and decided I wanted to leave Neverland to have children with her! So Maggie adopted me as her own for a while, and I eventually married the woman who was my niece by adoption!

FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS

EEEEWW!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

That's my happy thought! That I'm a daddy!

FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS

...and also a granduncle...

He FLIES through the roof and over a GREEN SCREEN of NEVERLAND! He impresses the LOST BOYS and then cuts DANTE'S pants down out of SPITE before literally CROWING. DANTE hands over the sword.

DANTE BASCO

You are truly Pan. No one could lose that much weight in three days without magic!

EXT. PIRATE SHIP

ROBIN and the LOST BOYS arrive, armed with POINTED STICKS, BAMBOO ARMOR, and maybe FIVE SWORDS.

AMBER SCOTT

(To ROBIN)

DADDY!

CHARLIE KORSMO

(To DUSTIN)

Dad, Daddy, Papa McFather, who is this strange man in the tights?

ROBIN WILLIAMS

What? So being in Neverland will make you forget the outside world, but only in some cases, and not being in Neverland will make you forget being here, but only in some cases. Got it.

DANTE BASCO

ATTACK!

The LOST BOYS attack the deadly, bloodthirsty PIRATES with SERIOUS WEAPONS, like EGGS, TOMATOES, MARBLES, and SHINING MIRRORS INTO THEIR EYES. It actually WORKS because it is a SPIELBERG KIDS' MOVIE. ROBIN goes off to rescue AMBER, because CHARLIE clearly needs to be saved for the CLIMAX.

ISAIAH ROBINSON

LOST BOYS DUCK!

PIRATE

Since I am not a Lost Boy, I will not duck. That instruction was not for me and there is no possible reason for me to duck.

ISAIAH sprays PAINT into the PIRATES' eyes.

PIRATE

Oh, you little rascals!

Most of the PIRATES surrender their guns without ever having USED THEM. Meanwhile, DANTE is swordfighting against DUSTIN.

DANTE BASCO

My sword's a-thrustin' and I've got Dustin!

THREE SECONDS later, DUSTIN stabs DANTE through the HEART! ROBIN is allowed to comfort him while he dies, because it's THAT KIND OF MOVIE.

DANTE BASCO

Robin, I wish I had a dad like you. Or armor that wasn't mostly gaps.

He DIES.

CHARLIE KORSMO

(To ROBIN)

Dad, I want to go home.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

What? Dante saying Robin is a good dad was all you needed to break a brainwashing that took...three days?

ROBIN and DUSTIN SWORDFIGHT. ROBIN pins down DUSTIN by the GIANT CROCODILE CLOCK and knocks his hat off, revealing that he's an OLD MAN wearing a WIG!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

You've got me. The whole reason why I came to Neverland and became obsessed with stopped clocks was because I'm afraid of aging any more. I surrender gracefully.

AMBER SCOTT

Can we go home now? "Ducktails" is almost on!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

(To DUSTIN)

You really don't deserve to live, but I very trustingly accept your surrender. Leave Neverland!

He gives DUSTIN his wig-hat back. But DUSTIN pulls a SURPRISE SPRING-LOADED DAGGER OUT OF NOWHERE and pins ROBIN to the CLOCK!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

SIKE!

DUSTIN raises his hook to FINISH OFF ROBIN, but JULIA flies in and blocks it with her ANT-MAN POWER! ROBIN shoves the hook into the CROCODILE'S abdomen. SMOKE emerges from the CROCODILE as it COMES BACK TO LIFE, MAYBE. DUSTIN crawls to EXACTLY WHERE THE CROC'S MOUTH WOULD LAND IF IT FELL FORWARD.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Yes, this should be the safest possible place for me to sit. I definitely won't move from here for any reason.

The CROCODILE very slowly falls mouth-first onto DUSTIN. There is a cloud of DUSTIN DUST, and then he's disappeared.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

So is the crocodile dead or not? How can he have eaten Dustin if his mouth never closed?

CHARLIE KORSMO

Who cares, it's time to go home!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Right! Isaiah, you're in charge of the LBs now. Julia, sprinkle my kids with your saccharine dust so we can all fly home.

She DOES.

CHARLIE KORSMO

My happy thought is you, Dad!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Oof, too much, Julia.

They FLY OFF.

EXT. MAGGIE SMITH'S HOUSE

The KIDS fly into the window and pretend like they'd been asleep the whole time. ROBIN wakes up in the SNOW in front of a PETER PAN STATUE. BOB walks by, acting like an ordinary STREET SWEEPER.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Was that all just a dream?

FAIRY JULIA appears.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Oh, never mind. We used up all our ambiguity on that crocodile.

FAIRY JULIA ROBERTS

And IIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!

She DISAPPEARS. ROBIN'S CELL PHONE rings, because it gets a signal UNDERGROUND with 1991 tech. He digs it up.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

(On phone)

You've been on hold with an international call to a cell phone this whole time? You've bankrupted us!

He hangs up and climbs the DRAINPIPE because it's WHIMSICAL. He enters through the BEDROOM WINDOW; He’s covered in WHITE POWDER and acting WAY MORE ENERGETIC THAN USUAL.

CAROLINE GOODALL

Ah, so that's why you disappeared for four days!

They SUCK FACE. ROBIN'S CELL PHONE rings again. He throws it out the window because apparently it can REALLY TAKE A BEATING. ARTHUR MALET turns up.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

I found your lost marbles!

ROBIN hands ARTHUR his LITERAL bag of marbles. It contains FAIRY DUST, which he uses to FLY AROUND THE ROOM and then OUT THE WINDOW!

CAROLINE GOODALL

Arthur is flying? This is so totally wonderful and not the least bit scary or confusing! Hooray!

END