What are the 4 stages of an affair?
Why does knowing the 4 stages of an affair even matter?
Whether you’re the wife who was unfaithful, or the betrayed husband, learning about the normal four stages of an affair will help in the healing process.
You’ll recognize the signs and be able to navigate out of it easier.
The statistics show most affairs will take its course and will fizzle out eventually,
no matter how unique the affair partners think their relationship is.
So, after much research, counseling, and reading everything I could about affairs, I came to learn there are primarily 4 stages to most affairs.
STAGE 1: LITTLE STEPS OF COMPROMISE (playing with fire)
- There is period of time in our marriages, when we are the most vulnerable, to taking little steps of compromise.
These compromises can eventually lead us down the path into affair.
The first phase, even before stage one of an affair, is the condition the marriage is in.
Even “good marriages” can be vulnerable to infidelity.
- Is there unresolved resentment or miscommunication between you?
Has there been an unusual amount of stress or change recently?
These are just examples that can cause a marriage to be vulnerable to an affair.
So, what are the most common compromises people make, at this first stage of an affair?
- They become more interested in talking, and spending time, with another person, as a distraction to their own emptiness. (Statistics show an affair is most commonly someone they work with, or an old friend or lover that gets back in touch).
- They sense an attraction to the other person, and if they reciprocate, the attraction only deepens.
- They take extra time to get ready, to smell good, and look desirable and attractive before meeting this acquaintance or friend.
- They’re thinking more about this person, bordering on obsessive thinking, anticipating the next time they’ll see them.
- They may begin manipulating circumstances or events to be with this other person more often.
- Flirting: There is playful banter and conversations between them, that seem’ innocent’ enough, but these little compromises will eventually move that married person closer to an affair.
- They’re most likely not verbalizing it to anyone, even to themselves, but they begin fantasizing with the idea of being unfaithful.
- Other’s may recognize something is ‘off’ with these two and even bring it up, which makes the married individual defensive, usually declaring “we are just friends.”
- As these little steps of compromise progresses, a person is led down a path of justifying to themselves their own behavior.
- They’ll find themselves making excuses to continue in behaviors, which they would have never thought were acceptable before this.
This is how a normally ‘good person’, who would have never imagined they were capable of having an affair before, eventually falls right into its trap.
- When any of us make enough small compromises, we can easily find ourselves more willing to do things we wouldn’t have thought possible before.
- By this point, the married person has made a series of little decisions which led to little compromises.
Each compromise of their values inched them closer to having an affair. All the right words were said and they were seduced into an intense attraction.
- A disclosure of their feelings by one person often opens the door.
When one of them announces their attraction (however innocently it’s cloaked), that is the point of no return.
If the other person is interested, they see the opportunity. The line is crossed, and an affair starts.
The announcement of their feelings, or the connection they feel, is almost always the gateway to starting an affair.
- Also, if you’re friends with someone of the opposite sex, you are honestly at some risk.
I realize that is not always popular to say, but it’s true.
You can deny that, and say they are not your type, yet, studies have shown most people have affairs with someone who initially
was not ‘their type’ and people usually “affair down” from the type of person their spouse is.
(I also denied anything was wrong to my close friend at the time, when she mentioned concern about what she was seeing with me.
My husband even had serious concerns, before anything actually happened.
I denied it, and said this man wasn’t my type (which he normally wouldn’t have been) but he was right, I was heading right into a disaster).
STAGE 2- CROSSING THE LINE (the stage of secrecy)
- They begin to meet at secret locations, they feel alive and thrilled that another person finds them desirable and wanted.
The secrecy of the new affair fuels the intensity of emotions, and the passion is usually intense. - They know what they’re doing is wrong, and often try to push aside their guilty feelings because the high from this forbidden fruit is
something they’re not willing to give up. These are the little compromises, still at work, to take the married spouse further from their
devotion to their spouse, and attaching their affections more to their affair partner.
What they don’t understand, is they’re basically on drugs, the drug within them literally, which is both dopamine and serotonin.
A little information on the chemical release in our brains.
- The brain chemical, dopamine, is the ‘feel good’ chemical. In this early stage of an affair, it releases a high the two have likely not felt in years,
while at this point their serotonin levels usually drop. - But high dopamine levels can also cause anxiety and interfere with our ability to concentrate and control our own thinking,
which is what often happens in this beginning stage of an affair. - Low serotonin levels has been linked by scientists with obsessive and compulsive behavior, as well as anxiety and depression.
This would explain why many in an affair think about their lover to an obsessive degree. - This flux of these highs and lows, mixed in with whatever needs they think this person is filling, can mistakenly convince them they’ve found their ‘soul mate’.
- They may possibly even believe they may have married the wrong person, because they have not felt these feelings in years.
Stage two progresses further and further into secrecy and lies,
creating a separate world for the affair partners.
This is a common progression at this stage of an affair:
- There’s usually a separate cell phone or email account used.
- This is the when trying to keep all the lies straight starts to get exhausting.
The unfaithful spouse often worries about being caught. - The married person pulls further and further away emotionally from their spouse at home.
That spouse may recognize this, but dismiss its importance or reason. - The ‘affair fog’ grows as they think the affair partner is meeting all their needs. |
Affair partners usually overlook obvious flaws and negative qualities about each other. - Their excitement is often greater than their fear of being caught. More risks are taken to further the thrill.
- Their secret up until now, has bonded them together. Those secret moments could be sexual, or just emotionally intimate encounters.
This stage of the affair, where they are feeling “in-love” or the Limerence stage, usually lasts between 6 -18 months.
Yet, sometimes as long as 3 years, according to Denise Bartell, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay.
“But the relationship and excitement of the affair eventually slow down, usually within 6-12 months”.
Just as will happen in any relationship, people settle into more of a routine and the early thrill of the chase wanes.
This is why it’s always better to work on the marriage, than just trying to find another mate.
Every relationship has a natural cycle of highs and lows. We miss out on the joy and depths of mature love if we’re just chasing is that early excitement.
STAGE 3- ALL THE ELEMENTS OF AN ADDICTION & DISCOVERY DAY
How is the affair like an addiction?
- The unfaithful spouse has carried on the affair for a period of time. As the affair continues, it feeds the beast of the dopamine release high. They are usually unaware of the biological response which is tricking them into thinking it’s “love”.
- The excitement of the affair starts to wane somewhat, as the constant secrecy takes its toll on the unfaithful spouse. Also, the ‘perceived perfection of the affair partner’ starts to show it’s cracks. Their faults begin to surface more now and become harder to deny and overlook.
- The affair soon resembles all the same characteristics of addiction.
(Their life has become unmanageable trying to juggle all the secrets and lies.
They have an inability to stop easily on their own no matter how hard they try. Their feelings of withdrawal are real when not with the affair partner.
The ‘withdrawal’ they feel is because of a lack of dopamine ‘high’ they had while with their affair partner).
The affair takes on many of the same characteristics of an addiction.
Eventually, couples in an affair get sloppy about maintaining the secret. An affair is either discovered or they confess.
Those are two entirely different Discovery Day’s, but the pain the betrayed spouse feels is still the same either way.
- This is when the betrayed spouse often witnesses behavior VERY uncharacteristic in their unfaithful spouse.
They might resent being confronted to make a choice for the marriage or the affair partner.
The betrayed spouse is often shocked at how difficult that choice is for them to make!
If you’re the unfaithful spouse and you continue in the affair, just know that it’ll only do greater damage to your spouse if they find out.
And they usually do eventually. This only delays the recovery of your marriage.
Yet, if you can recognize that you’re living in a disconnected fantasy life with you affair partner,
and break free of the affair, you’ll find healing much quicker.
STAGE 4: The stage when the affair has ended, or is fizzling out.
- You’ll have some decisions to make about moving forward in recovery with your spouse, if they’ll have you.
- Or, will you risk, against the odds, to stay with your affair partner.
Doing this means giving up everything in your life as you know it now.
The statistics for marriages lasting, that started out as an affair, aren’t good. (see below). - Once the unfaithful spouse begins to come out of their affair fog, and see the affair for what it really was,
they have a better chance of healing and for the restoration for their marriage.
This takes a lot of prayer, support from outside help, and dedication to themselves to want a better life than the affair will end up giving them.
Some quick information on whether the affair partners would stay together if they eventually married:
- Affairs almost always end. (research shows 2-3% last into long term relationships, if that).
Some drag on longer than others due to the level of the delusion they are in.
Eventually though, the affair will likely start to crumble, since it was based on a foundation of lies and secrets. - Less then 10% of affair partners will eventually marry, and when they do 85-95% of those marriages end in divorce. (this depends upon the research results you read).
Because what was the foundation of their relationship really? Lies, secrecy, cheating and deception. Is that the best way to start a relationship? When surveyed, most people in affairs stated they most likely would NOT have chosen their affair partner to marry.
If you’re the unfaithful wife and you want to be reconciled to your spouse, commit to:
- Stick with your commitment, even through the withdrawal you’ll likely feel upon breaking off the affair.
- Be willing to do whatever it takes to help your spouse heal.
The betrayed spouse also should be committed to the steps they need to take to heal and recover from the depth of pain they feel.
If you both do these things, you will slowly see your love for each other return.
I love that saying “feelings will eventually follow our decisions” because it’s so true.
Sometimes we have to take the steps of commitment to our spouse again, even if our feelings have waned.
In time, those feelings of love will return and trust also will grow as you keep doing the right things.
Rebuilding a marriage after an affair is a process of good days and bad days, but it can happen. It happened in our marriage, although because of my delaying breaking off the affair, we almost didn’t make it. But our marriage was eventually restored and healed.
To review, there are primarily 4 stages of an affair.
- The first is the stage of little compromises and playing with fire. Each little compromise we make, justifying behaviors we wouldn’t have done before.
These compromises inches that spouse closer and closer to having an affair. - The second stage was the secrecy stage of crossing the line into an affair. “Affair fog” is strong now, with the release of
dopamine that fuels the fire for the affair to continue. - Stage three is when the affair takes on the elements of an addiction and the affair is eventually discovered.
- Stage four comes once an affair is broken off and they assess the future of their marriage.
Feel free to contact me and tell me where you see yourself today within these stages, or what steps you recognize need
to be taken to heal after infidelity has hit your marriage.
I’d love to hear from you and pray for you. God does see you and loves you more than you can understand right now.
Whatever happens to your marriage, know that he wants redemption first of all for you.
Be sure to read my advice for the top 10 stages of healing after an affair.
If you’re still unsure about staying with your husband or leaving him for a life with your affair partner, read this post.
Nancy says
Please help me stay away from my AP
Debbie Rose says
Nancy, I feel your struggle in your short sentence, and remember feeling it strongly myself. What steps have you taken so far to end the
affair? Have you relapsed often? you can reply here or message me privately.
M. says
I appreciate your honesty about affairs. My sister sent me your link because I’m struggling with reconciling my own marriage. Your posts are very honest and on point for me. It’s a relief to see that someone has placed my feelings into words. Your past “mess” is your message, that marriage can work.
amanda h says
Thank you for this, it gives me hope of a reconciliation for my family
Kaddie says
My AP’s wife found our texts. We had plans to be together and the pandemic happened. I thought he would end his marriage but now he’s unsure and his kids are so upset. I think he is going to break up with me. It’s been almost 2 years and I’ve made him my world.
Mary says
I also joined into an affair with a coworker to seek what I was missing in my relationship at home. The only differences is I see is that I am in a verbally and mentally abusive marriage and sometimes physical. I don’t know if these “high of addictions” apply because I am seeking a calm loving respectful mutual relationship not one of a controlling man or as to which I am married into. My love affair knows all about my difficult marriage, has seen pictures and has helped me through it with advice and books and just being a listening ear. My therapist knows of my husbands behavior and as also seen pictures and videos. I don’t know if my situation is different but I find it so difficult to leave my abusive husband and know my worth is more. Is my situation different or am I just trying to see that it is?
Debbie Rose says
Hi Mary, Since I don’t know your particular situation, or you, it would be hard for me to answer your question accurately and know what your reason is. I imagine your difficult and abusive marriage has played into your
reasons for being vulnerable to an affair. I’d also recommend you discuss with your therapist why you’re staying in a marriage like that. You deserve better than to be treated like that, so that’s something to explore and
come up with an exit plan. In my opinion, it would be better for you to put your focus on that- and your safety- without the distractions and entanglements of an extramarital affair. Then once you’re through that, and you’ve
had some time to gain clarity and know what you truly want- you can explore another relationship. Right now, your reasons might not be great and an affair is never the answer- even if in a difficult marriage. It only complicates
everything and frankly, puts you at great risk considering your husband’s past behavior.
Alice Carroll says
You made a good point that the secrecy is one of the things that makes an affair somewhat exciting. Even though I tend to always scold him about it, I do sometimes understand why a close friend of mine cheats no matter how much I disagree with him. I think trying to get him to undergo infidelity recovery would be a one of the best things I can do as a friend who deeply cares about him and how he treats others, such as his girlfriend.
Ashlee says
My husband lives in another state and has been in an affair for almost a year. I’ve filed for divorce but he is not wanting to comply with the stipulations in the divorce decree. We have 3 kids. I have not had contact with him for almost a month. He suffers from addiction with alcohol and tobacco. I left him last July in hopes he would quit drinking and he met her by Oct. i don’t want divorce but I feel I have no other choice. He does not understand this is addiction. His life will be more complicated. And our kids and I feel abandoned. I keep wondering how it’s going to last. What can I do?
Anonymous says
I actually began an emotional affair right after I’d told my husband I was filing for a divorce (After many years of trying to work toward changes that weren’t made.). My husband found out and was obviously devastated. I’ve stepped away from the other relationship for now to focus on ending this marriage while still trying to give my husband respect. I guess I wondered what your thoughts were because it seems like my AP and I, and our situation, don’t quite fit the mold. We both hope to sort of restart our relationship to allow it a proper chance and just see where it goes, not obsessive or possessive as mentioned above. Thoughts?
Maya Lin says
This is the most amazing site I have found regarding this difficult and delicate subject. This is exactly what I went through a few years ago, I went through all the stages and in the end decided to fight for my marriage and succeeded with the help of my wonderful husband.
It’s been 7 years since I broke off that affair but last year this man reappeared. I couldn’t resist the temptation to have some phone contact with him for a few days but I quickly realized I was playing with fire again so I told him I would block him and I did. It’s been 7 months since that and last week he found a new way to contact me, we saw each other and although we didn’t have sex, I now feel in danger again. Today I discover this wonderful and extremely useful information, it helps me a lot to stay strong and hold on to my decision not to lose my marriage. If you have any comments I would appreciate it.
Thank you very much!
Debbie Rose says
Maya, if we leave any opening in the ‘door’ to the other person, an affair can start up again so fast you won’t know what happened.
Open doors can be not blocking him on all social media and your phone, or trying to stay friends or have contact still. It’s actually
quite disrespectful of an affair partner to find a new way to reach out when they know the other person has ended it and seeking to do the right thing.
It’s not a good place to be when we are the reason another is tempted to sin and that’s what he’s done by finding another way to contact you…so please
look at it from that perspective too. Is that really someone you’d want in your life?
You are in danger again- so I’d tell you very firmly to RUN…flee from this relationship and any contact with him at all if you want to find true peace and
save your marriage. You can do this Maya!
Melissa says
Hello, I finally confessed to my husband two months ago about my online cheating after three and a half years texting and obsessing over one man while also using other men online to distract me when the man I originally felt “in love” with wouldn’t respond or didn’t see me the same way I felt about him. I fell into this affair at a vulnerable time when my father was terminally ill and when you say it’s like a drug, that’s exactly what it felt like, a huge high. Before I “went there” I tried to test the waters with my husband and when he was not responsive to the level I was hoping for, I used that as justification for why I should allow myself this “little online indulgence” that felt practically anonymous and far removed since the man was overseas and also justified it with it not being an “actual affair because it was online” (don’t kid yourself! It’s an affair!) It also all started on a word game! Be cautious of Words with Friends and Boggle. In retrospect, I think this man actually groomed me based on my profile picture, then having some things in common, so becoming friends over time in the chat, then flirting that got so intense I felt guilty I was messaging him (playing with fire stage). I chased that probably like a heroine addict chases the first high but needs more and more to have the same effect. I honestly cannot say I did this because I was unhappy in the marriage. I was not. My husband is a great partner, a wonderful father, and good to our entire community and extended family. I totally messed up and feel giant amounts of shame, guilt, remorse, and deep sadness for the pain I’ve caused him and the now secrets we are keeping from family and friends. We are both in individual therapy and marriage counseling together, but the last two months have been REALLY difficult for both of us, yet we love each other and know we are the best person for one another, so I have hope it will work out, but it’s going to be a long road. Please pray for us. Also, I miss the first man and I remind myself daily I do not miss the drama or endless self-loathing I felt at being in contact with him or trying to keep his attention. I just want my life with my family back and a clean conscience and time to heal.
Thank you So Much for this website. It is more helpful to me right now than you can possibly imagine.
Txy says
Thank you for all of the resources that you provide. My therapist recommended this site. There is not many available resources online for the *unfaithful spouse, especially geared towards women. I go to therapy 1/2x a month. Coming here is like another form of therapy. I feel completely heard & understood when I read your content. The stages were exactly what I had gone through.
D-day happened for me the first time of the physical encounter, it didn’t progress any longer but that didn’t lessen the pain.
I felt completely empty & lost. I had a severe need to feel those feelings, “the high” again. I grieved very hard & went into a long depression. Having young children to care for made it extremely hard, as I felt I wasn’t giving them all they needed from me in my depression. I felt like I lost my heart & being able to feel true joy in anything. The depression has somewhat improved, but the main challenge I have currently is finding my heart again with my husband & to be able to open up intimately & physically again. We became more like great friends & coparents over the years. He forgave me quickly, & wants to make it work. This has been incredibly hard for him too, he feels as though he is not wanted in that way from me, & I haven’t figured out what I can do to feel that way again with him. It’s been an incredible challenge & at times it feels as though I won’t be able to get there to have a truly fulfilled marriage that we both want in eachother. Time is passing, but my heart & body still feel closed off to him.