| News
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| Welcome back to Bitcoin Billionaire!
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| New startup promises giant mech suits for all humanity within the next ten years. Supervillains worry their profession will become overcrowded with amateur wannabes.
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| Dear Doge Whisperer: My pet shiba just sits and stares at me all day. Is there any way I can find out what he's thinking? Such mystery.
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| Haven't seen that computer guy in the thrift store lately. Now that he's actually making money, he thinks he's too good for used socks and secondhand toothbrushes. What a snob!
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| New book by reclusive author Natoshi Sakamoto tops best seller lists around the globe. The only problem is that no one has actually seen a copy of the book.
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| This week's winning lottery numbers are S7, 14.5, Z, @@, and Radish. Looks like nobody had the right combination again.
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| Coming up in next month's Farmers' Allmaniac: Ten Bizarre Tricks to Maximize Your Crop Yield That Will Blow Your Mind.
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| SneakyLeaks has uncovered documents revealing the location of Amelia Earhart's lost airplane. It was sitting in a parking lot in Cleveland this whole time.
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| Yeah, I dunno, he's just sitting there, pretty much like always. I know, lame, right? Wait, why can't I hear him typing? Jim, did you install the surveillance microphones backwards?!
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| Popular eSports celebrity watc4d0gg was recently spotted in the Amish part of town. Fans were mortified when they heard the news: "Well, he certainly wasn't going there to play video games, was he?". Can watc4d0gg's career recover from the scandal?
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| Tricycle gang attempts to mug passerby only to discover he isn't carrying any physical money. He tries to explain what a bitcoin is, but they just throw their juice boxes at him and ride away.
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| Tonight on Scary Story Zone: an ordinary bitcoin miner is horrified to discover that his favorite news ticker text is coming from inside the house!
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| EAA announces a new franchise that combines elements of a first person shooter with microtransactions. It's going to star Lana Craft and Dunk Nukem, so review sites have already given it a 9.8/10.
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| News for Old People: A nice young entrepreneur has moved into the neighborhood. He does something called batcoin mooning for a living. We don't know what that means, but let's hope he wears a sweater on those cold nights!
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| Anonymous Legion replaces ads on digital billboard with pictures of kitchen sinks. Officials were asleep at the time, so no one noticed until morning. Much lulz were had.
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| The personal effects of Louis Daguerre, inventor of the camera, have been discovered in France. An entry from his diary reveals why the camera was invented: "Mon puppy, Penelope, est tres cute! Like tiny furry person! I must find way to share zis cuteness with the world!".
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| Based on your interest in "cool posters": do u want more posters! go to postrs4yew.web for the best posters! use this coupon for a 10% discount: AAAHHHPOSTEERS!!WOO!!!!
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| Today on All the Spoilerz: the latest issue of Superbman is out! Here's what happens: he flies around a bit, something about laser vision, then he dies and is brought back by a mermaid. Really great issue, too bad we spoiled it.
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| Celebrity chef opens new restaurant catering to wealthy computer professionals. Food is served on floppy discs and can be eaten with RAM chip utensils. Four stars!
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| Pointlessly opulent cufflinks and earrings for sale! Made of the finest rocks dug out of the ground! Really shiny and laughably valuable. Buy a dozen pairs today, then lose them in the couch cushions!
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| Is computer code inherently evil? Local geek and bitcoin miner says "What are you doing in my house? Get out!". We think that pretty much answers the question.
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| Prototype for a personal forcefield shown at electronics expo. Designer nearly suffocates because he forgot to poke air holes in it.
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| Eccentric bitcoin tycoon rents an entire skyscraper then just sits in one small room.
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| Exclusive photos of a local bitcoin miner have just been released by sneaky paparazzi. Using a telescopic lens, photographers took over 140 pictures of [name of avatar] sitting at his computer, picking his nose, sometimes scratching his face with a spoon. It's... well, it's less exciting than we hoped.
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| Identity thieves are concerned about the increasing usage of paper shredders. "Going through people's trash just doesn't produce the results it used to. Well, unless they throw out a pudding cup."
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| Tired of family portraits where everyone's frowning, blinking, or trying to whack each other with flyswatters? Morfeus Photoslopping Service can edit any picture so it looks like your family unit is a loving, caring group of people!
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| Wanted: nice, sturdy desk, kind of like the one that bitcoin guy has. Oh, can you make the last part bold? You can't? That's fine I guess. Hey, wait, you're not going to put this in the ad are you? Are you?!
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| - enzyme extracted from pinto beans has allowed energy drink manufacturers to boost product buzz by 8%. When asked about possible bean-related side effects, a noseless representative said "What do you mean?"
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| Tech giant announces exercise thong that monitors sweat levels and sends you an electric shock if you're not working out hard enough. The "Whale-Tell" releases this fall in neon fuschia-pink and leopard print.
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| Prices for original in-package Hank Soulo action figures have gone through the roof! Clueless news reporters claim it's because of some new sci-fi movie that's coming out. Stark Trek or something like that.
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| Physician Deforest McCoy becomes first doctor to accept bitcoins as payment. A flood of miners visit his clinic within the hour. "I mostly treat bruised fingertips. You know, from all the tapping."
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| Triplet Galaxies confirms a new record has been set for Frogger Kong. Stevie Wiebee sat in front of the game for 27 hours and achieved a score of 1,138,602[1]. Guinness says he also set a new record for armpit shirt stain diameter.
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| Nosy neighbors report another on of those "computer people" have moved downtown. This one isn't the "writing poetry on a laptop in a coffee shop" type, he's more of the "sits in a room and doesn't bathe for weeks" type.
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| Is your computer running too fast? Try installing Nomton Utilities! It will cram your rig so full of toolbars, security scanners and background processes that even the fastest CPU will grind to a halt!
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| Collectors were shocked when X-rays revealed several pieces of modern art are just framed paint-by-number puzzles. The paintings haven't lost and value, however, as the artists did a really good job staying in the lines.
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| Friends and fellow humans! There is no need to live in shame! I have discovered the shining path of the light! You, too, can leave the darkness... by purchasing a new lamp, then plugging it in!
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| In ancient Rome, wealthy citizens would often give money to local community members to flaunt their wealth. So, how 'bout it? Can I borrow a few billion bitcoins? For tacos?
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| Thank you for purchasing a robot vacuum. Please remember that your mobile vacuum unit does not need to take baths. If MVU tries to overthrow humanity, simply toggle the On/Off switch to "off".
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| SpyFish007 Report #3: The human [name of avatar] has placed me in a tank where I may observe him with ease. Soon I will learn the secret of remembering things for more than three seconds! Um... what was I saying? Oh hey, food flakes!
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| Companies desperate to feel included in the digital currency revolution have begun releasing their own forms of virtual money. You can now use Bratcoins to pay your babysitter, Bincoins to pay your trashman, and Buttcoins to purchase adult magazines.
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