Conan The Barbarian (1982)
Conan, a barbarian, is captured when his village is destroyed by raiders. He grows up to become a pitfighter, is trained in fighting and other arts, is let go and becomes a wanderer. After escaping a witch-demon who prophesises he has a great destiny he joins up with Subotai, a thief and archer.
Seeking the serpent emblem of the raiders who destroyed his village Conan and Subotai decide to rob the Tower Of Serpents; they meet Valeria, another thief, kill a big snake, steal a gem and a serpent emblem. Conan and Valeria become lovers. Then they’re arrested, taken before the king. The king tells them they’re the only ones who have stood up to Thulsa Doom and his cult, who have his daughter; hires them to retrieve her.
Valeria and Subotai are doubtful, but Conan wants vengeance. He rides out to the cult temple, meeting a wizard by mysterious ancient mounds. He disguises himself as a priest, is caught and talks to Thulsa Doom. Doom explains his deal, how controlling the mind controls the flesh, and flesh is stronger than steel. He crucifies Conan.
Subotai rescues him; the wizard summons spirits to save Conan warning there will be a price that Valeria accepts. They then infiltrate the temple to rescue the princess. Thulsa Doom escapes by turning into a snake; the thieves get away with the princess but Thulsa Doom shoots Valeria with a snake-arrow and she dies. Thulsa Doom sends his raiders after them, but Conan and Subotai and the wizard fight them in the fortified and trapped burial mounds, winning. The princess begs Thulsa Doom to not leave her; he tries to shoot her with a snake-arrow but is stopped and she turns against him. Then Conan returns to the temple and kills Thulsa Doom in front of his cult, causing them to give up and go home.
What to make of this magnificent and quite mad film? Firstly I don’t think I’ve seen this particular edition before; off the TV it seems they cut Conan punching a camel, but kept the extended scenes of inside the temple and the final sequence, where Thulsa Doom expands on his philosophy and plans, and the princess joins Conan in his infiltration and slaying, though she doesn’t actually do anything.
Second, being more politically aware than when I saw this as a teen, of both the period and John Milius the director, there’s a lot that’s become clear in the depths of the film. Thulsa Doom’s cult are a bunch of damn hippies, and like the damn hippies want to brainwash your children to murder those in authority* in the name of peace, love and emptiness. The film not only has a lot to say about masculinity and strength, it has quite complex things to say. The Nietzsche quote at the start about what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger is just a pointer, and at only some of it. People are always telling Conan what the meaning of life is. Crom, Conan’s god gives you strength and leaves you to get on with it, and figure out the riddle of steel. Thulsa Doom explains that steel isn’t strong. The king tells him that all the wealth and power is meaningless, compared to his love for his daughter. Valeria tells him the two of them have warmth in a cold world, and that’s rare. The one who’s most wrong is Conan himself when he’s asked by a Mongol (?) general what is best in life. “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women.” No Conan, it’s getting drunk with your friends and spending the night with Valeria. What’s vengeance compared to that?
Thirdly what a good looking film this is. There’s one or two special effects that are a bit off (Milius wanted to keep them to a minimum, probably correctly) but other than that it’s great. A real feeling of a huge, mysterious, old, decadent world. And the characters feel mythic. Even Valeria’s most 1980s American catchphrase “Do you want to live for ever?” is also a dark age fatalism and returns at a glorious moment.
Watch This: A swords and sorcery film that delivers and has something to say
Don’t Watch This: Just a ridiculous and pointless roaring rampage of revenge
- To be clear, this was a very niche minority opinion amongst hippies.