'AITA for not wanting my husband to go to his daughter’s fencing competition?' UPDATED 2X

Dealing with an emotionally neglectful partner right before giving birth is deeply stressful, to say the least.

"AITA for not wanting my husband to go to his daughter’s fencing competition?"

I (29F) am married to my husband (32M), he has a daughter from a previous relationship (12F) who takes part in competitive fencing. I have a good relationship with her and we're friendly, she lives with her Mum but I see her whenever she stays with us and I've hung out with her plenty.

She has a competition on Thursday and my Husband is flying down to see her tomorrow to spend a few days with her before the competition and to see the competition, normally I wouldn't have an issue with this but I'm 39 weeks pregnant with our first child, I could go at any moment and I have no family at all, i've asked him not to go and suggested we send her a gift down instead.

He is insisting he has to go and that I'll be fine, he has even suggested that my best friend come stay with me while he is gone just to be safe. I normally wouldn't mind him going for this and would even encourage it but iIm scared and I want him with me right now.

He feels she will be too upset if he misses it and he has to work hard to keep his relationship with her given the fact he's separated from her Mother and having a kid with me. I feel awful for even asking him to not go and incredibly selfish as yes, his daughter is important, and I never want to get in the way of their relationship but I'm just terrified of going into labour when he's not there.

He has made it clear that he is going no matter what and is implying I am being unreasonable to ask him to do otherwise, I don't know perhaps i'm being selfish.

Not long after posting, OP shared two small updates.

EDIT: Information that has come up in the comments that should have been in post, part of the reason i'm so scared is that i'm unlikely to last the week, have been having a hard time with the pregnancy and I am classed as high risk due to being diabetic. He is also flying out tomorrow and returning Friday evening.

Edit 2: Also yes for those wondering i'm set to be induced due to being diabetic, it's going to happen on Saturday which is why he's coming back on friday but I don't think I'll last that long.

The internet had a lot to say.

Limp2myLoom wrote:

NTA is this your first child? I'm pregnant with my first and I understand how scary it is. You are right, you could go anyday. I understand how important the competition is to his daughter. But to put it bluntly, I think a birth of a baby is a little more important.

Does he understand that you could give birth any time? Does he know that it potentially might not be straight forward? (I don't mean to worry you). I think you need to really push the fact he might miss the birth of his child. How long would it take for him to get back? I'm sorry you are going through this. Always a message away if you want to talk through pregnancy stuff.

OP responded:

Yes it's my first pregnancy and it hasn't been an easy one, frankly I'm surprised I have managed to reach 39 weeks and I'm terrified of going into labour alone, my friend could be with me yes but I want him with me not a friend.

I'm aware it could be not straightforward and yes he knows I could go any day but he is insisting i'll be fine and likely not have the child before he's back. He says he'll be back by friday.

Maggieslens wrote:

Info: why is he going for 5 days? Cam he not fly in that morning and fly out that evening? Yeah he'll be tired but that's less time away from you and less chance he'll miss the birth. Second question : have any of you spoken with the daughter and asked her what her thoughts are? Maybe she'd be quite fine with him missing it or watching Live. Third question, why is he going for FIVE WHOLE DAYS????

OP responded:

I haven't spoken with his daughter about this, he is so insistent on going that I think if I went behind his back to talk to her about him missing it that he'd be angry at me and go anyway.

He wants to go this long to be able to spend a few days with her before the baby comes in case he can't see her for a few months after, though he could have timed it far better to spend some time with her as i'm unlikely to last the week.

[deleted] wrote:

I hope this will not the case, and everything will go smoothly for you. But, in the case that something goes wrong and he is not there to make a tough call regarding a medical emergency, what will happen? Your friend will not be allowed to make the call.

You are not unreasonable, and frankly, whatever you do, your husband needs to set priorities here. I’m sorry to say, but you are not in his priority list and that is very sad.

OP responded:

Honestly I don't know, I'm going to have to talk to my OB about this, I have no family so it's not like i have anyone there.

RascalBird wrote:

NTA. You can't stop him from making a monumental but irreversible mistake - if he misses the birth, that's on him for the rest of his life. Because you can't count on him in this vulnerable time, do you trust your best friend to be your birth partner? I'd warm up that conversation and see what she thinks, and make plans from there.

Lonerfluff wrote:

NTA. What is he going to feel if he misses the birth of his child, especially after you warned him? Not to mention, you'll likely resent him if it does happen while he's gone. Also, no one knows how the birth will go. It may not be smooth. All in all, I think he's in the wrong with this decision.

OP responded:

I'm honestly not sure I'll be able to forgive him if he misses this, and i've told him that but he has brushed it off.

A week later, OP shared an update.

Hey everyone, I want to thank everyone who commented on my initial post. your comments were very helpful. My Doctor ended up deciding I needed an emergency c-section on Wednesday. My best friend is an absolute saint and went with me to the hospital, she wasn't allowed in the room so spent that entire time trying to get in touch with my Husband.

We only managed to get in contact with him after our daughter was born. Once he knew she and I were healthy and fine he didn't want to fly back, he said we were fine now and the competition still hadn't happened so there was no point in upsetting his daughter and he'd be flying back on Friday anyway.

I was rather worn out and numb at this point so didn't argue though my friend called him every swear word she could think of. What hurt the most though is he didn't ask for a single picture of our daughter or to Zoom to see her. On Friday morning he told me he'd be missing his flight back as he felt under the weather and he didn't want to risk it being c0vid and bringing it back.

I admit this kind of broke me a little and when I asked him if he didn't want to come home he told me I was being ridiculous. At this point I had enough and told him to come back whenever he felt like it but i'd be staying with my friend with the baby when I get out of Hospital as I needed to think about some things, she had been trying to get me to come stay with her anyway so I knew it'd be fine with her.

He simply told me that was fine and to come back when I'd stopped my hissy fit. I'm done, not once has he asked to see our daughter or even showed concern for either of us following the emergency c-section. I grew up in care, a Mother alone is better than no one and I know that firsthand i'm not going to try and make things work just for her sake.

My best friend and her parents are currently at my home getting all my things and the baby things to move them to my friends home, i've also decided on the babies name.

I wanted to name her Violet initially after my best friend Vi, my husband shot that name down immediately when we knew I was having a girl as he felt it was an old ladies name but honestly I couldn't have done any of this without her.

So yeah, that is where I am right now. In a whole lot of pain emotionally and physically but I have my little girl in my arms. I'll likely be talking to some lawyers soon to ask what to do going forward. Thank you again everyone you've all helped a great deal.

The internet had strong feelings about the situation.

hanst3r wrote:

"We only managed to get in contact with him after our daughter was born. Once he knew she and I were healthy and fine he didn't want to fly back, he said we were fine now and the competition still hadn't happened so there was no point in upsetting his daughter and he'd be flying back on Friday anyway."

Hate to say this, but he was actively avoiding you. It wasn't as if he was at the game already and couldn't hear the phone. No, the game had not even started and he KNEW that you would want to contact him while he was away.

So he decided that neither you nor your daughter was worth his time when the both of you needed him most. I hope you pull through this even stronger than you are. He definitely does not deserve you nor your daughter.

CallMeASinner wrote:

Firstly, congratulations on your baby, so glad Violet (gorgeous name and not at all an old ladies name) is healthy. I wish you both happy healing and that she sleeps well and long. Secondly, I’m so sorry your husband has shown you who he is and where his priorities lie. Violet does not deserve an AH who doesn’t value her the same as his other children. Nor do you deserve that in a partner.

Thirdly, good choice getting a lawyer. Regardless of how you choose to move forward, the lawyer can explain your options, what's going to look best to the courts (do the judges locally like to see an attempt at counseling.

What level of visitation will be favorable but not set an expectation of a custody agreement you don’t want). Best of luck to you and your baby, and support to you and the people around you.

AnimeGirl2233 wrote:

Yes. Yes! YES!! Ugh. There are so many posts on here of amazing women with deadbeat husband's and most of the time we never get to find out if they leave those jerks. I'm so glad you're making this decision even though I can't even imagine how hard and scary it is.

Violet is a beautiful name for what I'm certain will be a very beautiful woman one day (and already a beautiful baby). She will look back at your decision years later and be able to proudly say that her momma put HER first and that she is so loved. Bravo! The entirety of Reddit is supporting you and little Violet!

MadPenguin1 wrote:

I am so glad you are finally standing up for yourself. You deserve so much better than your husband!! I love the name Violet! I am so glad you have your friend to support and you and your daughter will be so much better off on your own. Stay strong and move forward without your husband and someday you will find someone who will deserve your love and empathy!

Five weeks later, OP shared another update.

Hi everyone, thank you all for your support/messages and asking for updates. Sorry I didn't post sooner. I debated on posting an update but figured I should as I know many of you were worried/curious this will likely be my last update but thank you all.

So, Violet and I are doing good all things considered my friend has been a godsend and we're still staying with her she has even been talking about the two of us looking for a bigger place together as this isn't an ideal place for a baby as Violet gets older as the two of us are in the tiny guest room at my friends place.

Now you're likely wondering about my husband, i've been in contact with a lawyer and have filed for divorce. I reached out to his ex offering to send pictures of Violet for her daughter as my soon to be ex-husband hadn't been interested in seeing any, they've gotten back together it seems.

I know many of you suspected it and you were right, he still hasn't seen Violet and shows no interest in doing so. My lawyer has all the messages and every shred of proof that could be useful in the divorce and the matter of Violets custody (though I doubt there will be any issue in me having full custody given he hasn't even wanted to see a picture of her yet.)

Now about Violet's surname and birth certificate status, she has my surname and he isn't on the birth certificate, he isn't acting like a father and has no interest in her it seems so yeah. Thanks everyone, if you have any questions let me know.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Putrid_Awareness5339 wrote:

I remember your post when you first posted it and I remember thinking somethings funky going on with the ex and I’m sad to hear he was acting skeezy. I’m glad you didn’t hesitate to take care of yourself and your daughter (beautiful name btw).

My only worry is within the next year or two he may try crawling back and I can only hope you’ll see through his bs ways and remain strong for yourself and your daughter. Hope everything goes smooth sailing!

kay_dee_ss wrote:

OP so good to hear you and Violet are doing well. Hang in there. What a awful man your ex turned out to be, but honestly good riddance. He would have made your life toxic if you had stayed. Best of luck for everything and take care.

Background-Target185 wrote:

I don’t get his why his ex gets back together with him. I wouldn’t want to be with a man like that, he’s worth nothing. I’m glad you are doing okay!

Pure-Meat9498 wrote:

I'm so glad you have such a awesome friend, and I'm happy you and your daughter is doing good. The name you have picked out is beautiful btw! If I'm understanding correctly that you and your friend is talking about moving together, that's great! She sounds like someone you should hold on to, having a good supporting friend is worth everything!

I'm sorry you had to go through what you did at such a stressful time, but I'm also glad you are getting away from your awful ex. Like seriously what a waste of space that man is. How people can act like that is beyond my understanding. It sounds like you already have a firm grip on the divorce and custody so that is great!

Keep track of all contact and document it, just in case for the future. I wish you and your new little family all the best, and I hope everything will go smoothly for you all going forward!

Solags wrote:

Violet is a beautiful name, and she has a wonderful and very strong mom to look up to. You did the best thing and, even though I don’t know you more than from what you’ve told us, I’m proud of your response to this situation. It angers me that that man might not have consequences for his behavior (and I wish he will someday understand his imbecility and beyond immaturity). However, that’s out of our hands.

I wish you the best, and if there’s any way we might be of help, or in a time of need you need someone, let me and these kind subredditors know. The internet is a powerful thing, and you have us on your side. Again, wish you the best. Congratulations on your daughter, and on your new life. Good things are coming, no doubt.