The Ten Thousand Things Sam Ellis, Joe Loh and Ali Catramados

Listeners are producers. Thank you for getting the show out.I reflect on my own podcast listening: helpful with insomnia, and a lifeline during tough times. Write me here
Reading a wide range of listener notes, I respond and explore 
personal themes:vulnerabilitythoughts on how to engage usefully with attachment theory, to go looking for the things we don't want to saythe two breakdown eps from Joe and Alivoyeurism: when is it okay to listen to people spilling about intense experiencesI say it's because people pod with honesty, because they want to be seen and accepted, flaws and all, so you're helping. If it's feeding something exploitative, you'll feel it.Themes around speaking, activism, expression:
the half-informed should speak, while being honest about their level of understanding, otherwise we will only hear from the powerful and the uninformed, who are never honest about their level of understandingmiddle-class white women do speak up a lot, but should continue to do soa brief history of middle-class women as key activistsI encourage a writer who listens, to start a show, and offer support and advice to anyone curious about getting startedNetworked communal media not subject to the algorithm
the communal, horizontal, networked experience of podcasts (listeners become producers, or step up to speak, in a mutually supporting way) audio over RSS: the last medium not to have been completely overrun by ads and algorithmsopen nature of podcast distribution via RSS feeds, Really Simple Syndication, contrasting it with highly vertical, platform-dependent media (LOCKED SYSTEMS = serfdom)commercial radio thrived on podcast-ish values before becoming a bloated ad beasta call for community support and contribution, reinforcing the collaborative spirit of podcasting listeners as producers, who contribute to the content and continuity of podcastsValue for Value, decentralisation: the philosophy we need for sustainable media in the age of closed platformsthe importance of fearless feedback in all directionsthe democratizing power of podcasts under techno-feudalismCreators & Guests

Sam Ellis - Host
Art by https://www.instagram.com/schinacoy/
(00:00) - The Life-Changing Power of Podcasts
(01:11) - Podcast Listening Habits
(02:07) - Podcast Listeners as Producers
(03:38) - Exploring Attachment Theory Through Listener Feedback
(06:21) - The Open Nature of Podcasting vs. Centralized Media
(24:18) - Embracing Vulnerability and Listener Connections
(25:06) - The Power of Envy and Personal Growth
(25:36) - Podcasting as a Form of Expression
(30:02) - The Impact of Listening and Speaking
(32:27) - Exploring Faith and Listener Feedback
00:00 The Life-Changing Power of Podcasts01:11 Podcast Listening Habits02:07 Podcast Listeners as Producers03:38 Exploring Attachment Theory Through Listener Feedback06:21 The Open Nature of Podcasting vs. Centralized Media24:18 Embracing Vulnerability and Listener Connections25:06 The Power of Envy and Personal Growth25:36 Podcasting as a Form of Expression30:02 The Impact of Listening and Speaking32:27 Exploring Faith and Listener Feedback

What we take to be a self is tentative, fictitious, constructed by clinging, a temporary identification with some parts of experience. Self arises, solidifying itself, like ice floating in water. Ice is actually made of the same substance as water. Identification and clinging harden the water into ice. In a similar way, we sense ourself as separate. Jack Kornfield - The Wise HeartThis realization that the separate self is an illusion must be one of the most useful things I've ever learned. I spent most of my life assuming that I was a separate self-contained unit and I felt disconnected from those around me. From the universe as a whole.
But where exactly is this seat of the self? Where's the little Joe who's up there in my head, directing everything? Where is the seat of attention? If I look for myself, where do I find myself? I find a constant flow of sense data, sights, sounds, smells, temperature. I find thoughts. But who are these thoughts occurring to?
As Jack Kornfield says, identification and clinging harden the water into ice. The closest thing I can find to a separate self is this contraction in my chest that seems to create some kind of locus in time and space.
But actually I am in no way separate from the flow. This has been seen through for me in meditation. What I find in meditation, if I have a good session, is I drop into a much larger, possibly infinite, ocean of awake awareness. Which mostly has a fairly neutral quality, but there's actually a lovingness there. A gentle sense of support. And I find this encouraging to say the least.
Of course, I have a social self and I need to function. And go to work and perform my roles in society. But there's no need to constantly reify the separate self, this particle, somehow split off from the rest of the universe.
What I actually find is an openness, a sort of infinite openness, where I used to imagine my separate self to be. Jack Kornfield talks about ice and water. I've heard it talked about in terms of a wave. A wave that somehow thinks it's separate from the ocean. Or a sunbeam that's forgotten it's part of the sun. I'm a part of something much bigger than I always took myself to be. But it's also something incredibly simple. It's just the present moment. I'm not separate to you who's reading this. I really am just part of this flow.
I only care about this because I guess I've always just wanted to know the truth. I guess I've always suffered feeling so separate from things around me. It's a great relief when I realize and drop into the fact that I'm this open, loving awareness. And I can then accept everything just exactly the way it is in the present moment. After all, what other choice, do I really have?
Creators & Guests

Joe Loh - Host
This is part of an ongoing series of reflections by Joe on readings. He's also posting writing at https://joeloh.substack.com Image: courtesy of Craig over at https://wish-art.blog---------------------More about the author of today's quote:
Jack Kornfield (born 1945) is an American writer and teacher in the Vipassana movement in American Theravada Buddhism.[1] He trained as a Buddhist monk in Thailand, Burma and India,[2] first as a student of the Thai forest master Ajahn Chah and Mahasi Sayadaw of Burma. He has taught mindfulness meditation worldwide since 1974. In 1975, he co-founded the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts, with Sharon Salzberg and Joseph Goldstein, and subsequently[clarification needed] in 1987, Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. Kornfield has worked as a peacemaker and activist, organized teacher training, and led international gatherings of Buddhist teachers including the Dalai Lama. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Kornfield
Website | jackkornfield.com
More about The Wise Heart

Thinking back on favourite films, it becomes clear what they say about us. Cinema, the Psyche, unveiling Inner Heroes
It's always therapy and psychoanalysis around here, movies are the vehicle. Favourite films reflect deep psychological themes and evolving personal identities. What we once found aspirational in a character, we might later rethink, or realise it was not the healthiest hero to have. Others may have been right for the time.
So we mainly talk about movies our younger selves were drawn to, Pulp Fiction, Terminator 2, The Matrix, Le Samurai, The Thin Red Line, Beaches, When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, Funny Girl, 'Now, Voyager', All About Eve, and Stella Dallas.
It's the usual mix of personal stories, and psychological insights, plus film analysis and some half-remembered film theory, looking at identification with film characters, self-perception, the making and collapsing of reality, and the separate self. We also touch on the gender dynamics in film identification, the concept of sacrificial love, and the role of cinema in shaping or reflecting social norms and personal dreams. It all brings us eventually to the universal quest for connection and meaning. We delve into how these preferences illuminate our aspirations, fears, and personal development.
Creators & Guests

Joe Loh - Host
Ali Catramados - Host
Sam Ellis - Host
Image: still from Cinema Paradiso (1988) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095765/?quot(00:00) - TTTT Film
(01:23) - Deep Dive into Favorite Films and Personal Identification
(03:28) - Self-image and cinema
(07:33) - The Psychological Impact of Film and the Matrix Deep Dive
(10:36) - Meditation, Reality, and Joe''s dis-Engagement with Cinema
(14:41) - Heroism, Mortality, and the Essence of Cinema
(21:02) - Heroism in Real Life vs. Cinema
(22:59) - Reflecting on how Mortality impacts Film Appreciation
(26:01) - Character Archetypes in Cinema
(26:30) - The Impact of Nature and Civilization in Film
(28:57) - The Power of Old Movies: Nostalgia and Reflection
(30:20) - The Power of Melodrama: Reflecting on Personal Sacrifices
(44:03) - Romantic Comedies and Their Influence on Personal Identity
(51:06) - The Secret Hopes and Dreams in Cinema
(52:55) - Concluding Thoughts on Cinema's Psychological Impact
00:00 Welcome: A Thought Experiment on Favorite Films01:10 Personal Film Favorites and Identity01:10 Deep Dive into Favorite Films and Personal Identification03:15 Self-image and cinema07:19 Psychological Impact of Cinema07:19 The Psychological Impact of Film and the Matrix Deep Dive10:22 Meditation, Reality, and Joe''s dis-Engagement with Cinema14:27 Heroism, Mortality, and the Essence of Cinema20:48 Heroism in Real Life vs. Cinema22:45 Reflecting on how Mortality impacts Film Appreciation25:48 Character Archetypes in Cinema26:16 Nature vs. Civilization: A Personal Journey26:16 The Impact of Nature and Civilization in Film28:43 The Power of Old Movies: Nostalgia and Reflection30:06 The Power of Melodrama: Reflecting on Personal Sacrifices43:49 Romantic Comedies and Self-Discovery43:49 Romantic Comedies and Their Influence on Personal Identity50:52 The Secret Hopes and Dreams in Cinema52:41 Concluding Thoughts on Cinema's Psychological Impact

“I have really found when I look around that the romantic love I see is this ideal, the anima. The anima is the ideal that you carry within yourself that you put onto the different entities out there and you unite with that. Pretty soon you see through the projection. And then what happens?”Transcript:That's Joseph Campbell from an interview he did. I won’t pretend to be an expert on what the anima is but I took note of this because it resonated with me. I can see that I've done this throughout my adult life. It's to project something, onto a woman in my case. And then basically have a relationship with that projection.
And there's an incredible high that comes from doing that. And they become perfected in your mind. And quite often I can take photos of women when I'm in this state, they will be sitting in a café or wherever, and it will be a particularly attractive photo of them. And quite often they get some kind of high out of it too.
But as Joseph Campbell says:
“Pretty soon you say through the projection. And then what happens?”
Well, in my case, what happens is I tend to end the relationship. And often the women are left hurt and confused about what went wrong.
And it reminds me of the Joni Mitchell quote about monogamy and how if all you ever have is short-term relationships and casual dating then basically, you’re just dating yourself over and over again. Telling the same stories, revealing the same small parts of yourself, and having the same fun.
Whereas to really go deep with someone and commit and really get into the complexities of getting to know someone is to have a much deeper experience. But I think that moves you past romantic love and chemistry and all the hedonism that's inherent in all those chemicals floating around. I think that moves you to something that maybe feels a lot more ordinary a lot of the time. That slow layering process of really getting to know one person.
And sitting here now I can see that that is an ideal for me. The problem I have is whenever I meet a new person, I tend to project my anima onto them and have the same relationship over and over again. I’m trying to get out of that trap and move onto hopefully something more profound.
Creators & Guests

Joe Loh - Host
Image by Craig: writing and sharing pictures of his current travels with the beloved missus and greyhound over at wish-art.blog-----------Sam here. This is part of an ongoing series from Joe, of short personal reflections on quotes found during reading, usually on spirituality, and psychology. Joe is writing at https://joeloh.substack.comJoseph Campbell is also one of my go-to teachers. Not necessarily an authority on up to date folklore, but certainly someone who can open you up to new ideas and give you courage to face fears and challenges. Campbell has helped many people greatly with perhaps one the hardest things in life, to actually face our true purposes and choose to move towards lives of greater meaning and yes, love.
Reading about anima/animus, I found an interesting summary of Jung's four levels of Eros (erotic romantic love) associated with development/integration of the anima. Maturation of romantic love felt towards women, moves from:1. Eve: desire, needs, nourishment, security and love2. Helen: recognition of women's intelligence, competences and achievements in their own right3. Mary: Righteous, paragon of virtue: recognition of women's moral accomplishments I would say4: Sophia: finally recognising women as wise and fully human, *gasp*, equal, and not at all an object.
-----------I also found Maria Popova's wonderful article in the Marginalian, a great match with Joe's reflection today. Reviewing Pathways to Bliss, Campbell's book on love, purpose and reality, she also quotes Anais Nin, Zen teacher D.T Suzuki, Stendahl, Dan Savage and the poet Rilke. Popova offers a striking synthesis drawing on many sources, persuading us powerfully that embracing imperfection and compassion is the pat

Do most straight men reserve their truest love and romance for other men? Marilyn Frye thinks so, and today we consider a quote from her classic book of feminist essays The Politics of Reality
We found ourselves in agreement with Frye's observations. But we debate and detail the angles: 
Is heterosexual male culture (always) homoerotic?Do men save their 'best' for each other?Do many men find truer friendship with other men because they feel more comfortable around each other? Why?Is this a problem? How much so?Why would a man be 'less himself' around women? Is this because a man might be capable of friendship with women, but change his behaviour around a woman he wants to sleep with?Maybe it's heterosexual people thinking of each other as alien species that causes the problem? But does heterosexuality rely on just this, treating each other as alien and maintaining a sense of difference?Is there some anger, bitterness or frustration in the quote?Is the author a separatist feminist as Joe guessed? (Yes).What is romance anyway?Has the truth in this quote shifted over time?Is it also true about women and other women? And is it possible to judge those two realities by the same standard?Why are people on dating apps talking about polarity and being in their feminine energy? Do they just mean 'someone else sort everything out?'Are we at the point where we can begin to expect equal levels of maturity and responsibility from both men and women?"To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex (fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom the imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence, and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women, they want devotion, service, and sex. Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving."And if r/feminism is consulted, you will find much agreement there. As NoMommy- posted:
Do men even like women? It doesn’t fuckin sound like it.I want to be with someone who likes me. Likes talking to me, likes my sense of humor, likes hanging out with me. Someone who, even if we weren’t together/he wasn’t attracted to me, he would still want to hang out with me because he likes me as a person.
I want someone who shows affection and does nice things, not because he expects something in return, but because he wants to make me happy.
Is that too much to ask??? I say this to my friends who date and they’re all like, “fat fuckin chance,” “good luck with that.”
It’s just sad and frustrating
The Ten Thousand Things, well, Sam would like to say to you in reply "u/NoMommy- I get you, cos that's what I want also. No, it's not too much to ask. It's not easy to create this reality for ourselves, but many men do feel the same way. Maybe all humans feel the same way. We all want to be loved unconditionally, but we fear that any love we get is conditional, and pre-empt or retaliate. It's not impossible to create this better love with others, but we would have to start with the assumption that everyone has been hurt, and we ourselves are not necessarily easy to live with. And we all wonder if we can ever really be known by others, and still be loved. If we were known fully by someone, we may fear that we would not be loved.
Meanwhile, over at Good Men Project, Franklin Madison quotes Frye and issues a heartfelt appeal to men to have a high quality of friendship with men, but hold the same respect, acceptance and quality of friendship with women:
We reserve real love for these men. For many of

To be a loving person is to wrestle with a profoundly improbable idea: that however modest our position in society might be, however much we may have been maltreated in the past, however mesmerised we are by the deplorable behaviour of powerful individuals, however shy and frail we are, we are constantly capable of causing other people significant hurt. Alain de Botton in A More Loving World: How to increase compassion, kindness and joyCreators & Guests

Joe Loh - Host
This is the second of an ongoing series by Joe: short reflections on quotes he captured and shared with Ali and Sam while reading (usually books on spirituality, psychology, consciousness, religion etc). Joe is writing over at https://joeloh.substack.com/ and it's genuinely sizzling stuff. You can tell he read Hunter S Thompson and Kerouac as a youngster, and since then I'm assuming he's read other stuff that sounds more mature, because his writing is kind of both of those things. It's present and truthful, and entirely unsentimental, but it has feelings in it. That link again: https://joeloh.substack.com/ - Sam 
Image courtesy of Craig https://wish-art.blog/gallery/
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More on the quote's source, A More Loving World: How to increase compassion, kindness and joy at https://www.theschooloflife.com/shop/a-more-loving-world/ An extract of the book is available at https://assets.theschooloflife.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/04143544/A-More-Loving-World_extract.pdf
About the author of today's quote:
Alain de Botton FRSL (/dəˈbɒtən/; born 20 December 1969) is a Swiss-born British author and public speaker. His books discuss various contemporary subjects and themes, emphasizing philosophy's relevance to everyday life. He published Essays in Love (1993), which went on to sell two million copies. Other bestsellers include How Proust Can Change Your Life (1997), Status Anxiety (2004), and The Architecture of Happiness (2006).He co-founded The School of Life in 2008 and Living Architecture in 2009.[1][2] In 2015, he was awarded "The Fellowship of Schopenhauer", an annual writers' award from the Melbourne Writers Festival, for that work. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alain_de_Botton
More great quotes from Alain de Botton at https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Alain_de_Botton
Transcript:
That's Alain de Botton. And that really struck me because I think I'd always given myself an out. That it didn't really matter what I did. That I was a small and insignificant person.
And as it says 'however mesmerized we are by the deplorable behaviour of powerful individuals...' 
 
It always seemed enough to just look at someone like a Donald Trump, and just be like, "well, I'm nowhere near that bad, and I'm also nowhere near that powerful, so the things that I do don't really matter."
 
But as it says 'we are constantly capable of causing other people significant hurt.' 
 
I look back and see a lot of burnt bridges. And actually burning bridges is the only way I know to deal with a lot of this stuff. 
And I like to think that I have gotten better in sobriety and recovery. 
But I've always had an edge that's capable of hurting people.
And I guess the point of this note and why I wrote it down at the time, and why it struck me so much, was this is the justification that I'd used for my poor behaviour in hurting people, that I was just a little insignificant ant. 
And reflecting on it now, it's partially that insignificance that led to some of the rage, that led to some of the bitterness, that led to some of the poor behaviour. 
So, I guess the thing that I'm trying to find now, is some genuine humility. And just getting myself out of the way and seeing other people, and other people have their struggles. 
And to quote Bob Dylan's grandma, that "everyone walks a hard road."  
And I know I'm not going to get this right. It's not going to be perfect. 
But this quote reminds me that I matter to maybe a handful of people, but to those people I