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advice
Hey everyone! This is my very first Reddit post so bare with me! Lol Just a libra f trying to understand a situation I’m in with a Capricorn m. I apologize in advance if it comes off so lengthy. But I’ve been talking to a Capricorn m for about a month and half now and everything was going AMAZING. This is my first time ever seeing a cap and I’m just so intrigued. I didn’t know I was missing out lol I absolutely love his active listening, communication, goal-oriented ways, and the list goes on. We have such a similar mindset and that’s probably the main reason I’m smitten so hard. (I’m also a Capricorn moon) but recently, we had a sudden turn in events. Back in December, his mother passed away. And this is something I was aware of from day one. He’s been very open about his mom’s passing and I’ve asked him how is he dealing with coping and he said he just doesn’t think or talk about it. But occasionally, he brings it up randomly with me whether it’s a song or memory that reminds him of her…
So we had made plans to hang out but I didn’t think he realized that he had made plans to hang out with me the weekend of Mother’s Day…I end up bringing it up to him and he didn’t realize it was Mother’s Day weekend either. Considering how new we are to each other, I didn’t know if he still wanted to see me but to my surprise he did. He was just going to spend the Sunday with his dad after we were done (we’re like a 2hr distance from each other so we try to spend as much time as possible).
He came down to my city and we had such an amazing weekend together. We were very transparent with each other bout varied topics like family, love, past experiences, and what we want in the future. It was filled with sooo much love and amazing feelings. We had already established that we were exclusively talking to each other too. It just felt like a very safe place at the time. We had so much fun! So it’s Mother’s Day, and I already know it’s gonna be a tough day. I honestly didn’t know how to even bring it up. So I didn’t. But I wrote him a card (which I’m still contemplating if that was even the right thing to do) Basically just saying that he’s amazing and that I’m here if he needs someone to talk too about anything. Just trying…to be comforting during a day that I knew he was going to struggle with.
We part ways. But still talk throughout the day. Unfortunately, he ends up spending the day alone because his dad ended up catching Covid. He thanks me for the card. That it got him teared up. Saying no one has checked in on him regarding Mother’s Day. That I was the only one that wished his mom a heavenly Mother’s Day…and that’s when I asked him how is he doing? And he said not good. That he couldn’t stay on the phone at that moment. So we hang up, which is absolutely fine with me, reassuring him that he can reach out whenever. And he does. For at least the next two days.
Things seemed fine up until Tuesday. We had our normal conversations, he asked me how was my Mother’s Day. Everything felt ok. But when I texted him the next morning, I never got a reply. This man hasn’t missed a day since we started. I figured he’s probably still going through the motions of Mother’s Day, but me being the Libra I am, I start to think it’s personal & I freak out. So I text him the next day basically stating if we were done. That it’s ok to have a change of heart. And he ended up replying saying that he didn’t have a change of heart. He was just trying to navigate through his emotions. That he hasn’t been able to give much the last couple days and that he was sorry for not being so communicative the last 40 hrs (he really counted the hours).
I replied saying that I understand and just reminding him I’m here if he needs anything. And that I care and he doesn’t have to do things alone. And that I was glad he hasn’t had a change of heart. And we haven’t spoken since. I just feel like I’m on a standstill now. I’m trying hard not to think that I did something wrong but it’s difficult not to if there’s no communication happening. Do I wait or just take this as a sign he just doesn’t want to continue seeing me? Should I check in or wait till he makes a move? Should I ask him if we’re done again? Is this Capricorn behavior to just retreat? Lol i just feel so lost with what’s going on. It feels like the ultimate ghosting. But thank you for reading this far!
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I (f Cap) have been in a similar place before with people and I absolutely LOATHED reaching out to people when I had a hard time dealing with my emotions. But it was because I was taught to never need anyone back when I was a child (emotionally unavailable parents due to their own struggles) so I learned to stuff it all down by myself and never reach out to anyone because my caregivers were not able to make space for me to safely be (and I didn't have another safe person outside my family dynamic to vent to). Now what that taught me for adulthood was isolating myself from well meaning people because I just didn't know how to trust others to help me deal with this hard stuff (because my experience up to this point was negative). Even when they offered help and an open ear I simply didn't know how to accept this offer because I didn't learn how to do that in the first place.
I don't know for your boyfriend tho and I don't know his story and his family, I just often heard similar stories from Cappies and it seems to be a theme with "us". Maybe the reasons for his behaviour are not even concious for him and he believes this is normal. If so then prepare for him to be defensive about it.
What I always wished when I was in this dark place was for the people who offered me help to be constistent and not jump to conclusions. That they still tried to reach out because I learned that when someone insisted on being there for me (in a non invasive way) I felt safe to open up slowly. It needs time, trust and patience from the other but it's usually worth it.
I hope this helps.
Wow! Thank you sooo much for sharing! He has a similar background story. Grew up in foster care and was adopted by his foster parents when he was 8 yrs old (was with them since he was 2yrs) so his upbringing was rough. He’s opened up to me about being more so of a loner and not really having ppl to depend on or even call a true friend. So it just hurts me seeing him like this. I’m just scared to be over-bearing. Or come off as annoying.
Yeah it makes sense he is being like that. Him stating that he is more of a loner also rings reasonable after this.
No you aren't. You are probably being persistent which he probably didn't have growing up. Maybe don't expect him to know how to be confident in receiving your type of care or depending on you. If you have a hard time tending to him (which would make sense) or if it takes more of you than just some patience please take care of yourself. There is no need to dive into his problems and get sucked into them too. Stay grounded in your own life and if you can and want to you can provide a hand when he decides to climb out of his well. If you decide not to (for whatever reason - every reason is valid) let him know where you stand assertively because otherwise he doesn't know what you can and can not tolerate.
My experience with friends and aquaintances was that if someone was consistent in their presence (even if I wasn't really connecting or reaching out) I found my way back to myself by myself simply by them being there and living their life and telling me that they would be there if I decide to come out of my shell (if they mean it). And when they were really there as they stated then I was able to learn how to trust and to open up slowly. I have a friend like this right now. He is just doing his thing and reassuring me here and there. And when I reach out it's mostly after some time but he doesn't mind and I feel like he is fine either way which makes me trust him being able to make room for me. He also has clear boundaries which helps too.
Yes, we do this. (cap dude here) we're typically awful with words. pay attention to our actions.
I'm married to a libra, and have had to change my communication style and not just completely blank out and retreat.
my recommendation is to change subjects and just talk about whatever. if you focus on the feeling of being "ghosted" instead, that's going to eat you alive.
Thank you so much ♥️ I’m trying. Lol he’s just not budging lol I’m just gonna keep doing what I’ve been doing and hope he comes around soon.
Hi 👋Libra w a capricorn for about 8 months now, and your boyfriend sounds like mine 🙏 my boyfriend does need time to process and work through his emotions, he needs time to unwind and quality time by himself 🙏 He often takes the time to reflect on his life and its sorely needed alone time from his busy work life. Messaging about deep feelings can be problematic in general because things can get misinterpreted, but especially here it can get misinterpreted.
Your boyfriend cares and he said so, so believe him if evidence says he is trustworthy and your heart believes him ❤️ But when you are next in person together, bring up this, even just how you have written it, and let him know how it makes you feel directly. He will want to know and want to work on it with you and adapt for you 🙏❤️
Thank you so much for this ❤️ I’m just not liking the silence. He’s not reaching out at all. And this is all new to me. But I’m gonna just leave it alone and just do me. Whenever he’s ready, I’ll be here.
Its very important that you bring this up with him very directly when you're in person next 🙏❤️ He needs to make the effort to meet you where you are at and at least communicate a little during these times perhaps he could just say "I'm sorry but I need some alone time so I will message again in a few days"
Not really a Capricorn but on a situation with a Capricorn kinda like this. For what I understand and know now some capricorns need time alone to face heavy difficulties, they appreciate support, help and being there. But they know those problems must be faced alone.
Is awful because I honestly care and worried about my Capricorn but I understand they have to face their own problems by their own.
I just wish they didn’t have to think they have to do things on their own. But I know there isn’t much I can do atm but wait and subtly show that I’m here for him.
We are not the problem, neither then. Capricorn is very honorable as well and they find that every difficulty they have to face it alone because they don't want to be a burden for their friends or lover. Because they don't want to feel vulnerable with someone and that someday this someone tells in their face that they were vulnerable and they supported then and all that.
I can understand that and respect that, it just sucks that I care too much and I can't stay like nothing happens when I know my Capricorn could be crying or feeling sad and misunderstood, I know when she recovers she would reach out or be more open when I reach out but well.
Yes. I’m a Capricorn and I retreat…often. I would not ask him if you are done again. Seems very clingy.