15 Signs Your Partner Is Gaslighting You, Per a Relationship Expert

DEAR DR. JENN,

Generally speaking, my partner is really caring and we have a lot of fun together, but lately I've been feeling worn down. Whenever I reference things that have happened in our relationship, he tells me I'm imagining things and am wrong. He also accuses me repeatedly of things I know I haven't done. It's making me question my own memories and causing me to doubt myself. I've heard the term "gaslighting" thrown around and I feel like it might be happening to me too, but I'm not sure. Am I too deep in love to see that I'm being manipulated? —In a Fog

DEAR IN A FOG,

The term "gaslighting" gets thrown around a lot, so much so that it was declared the word of year by Merriam-Webster after 2022 saw a 1,740 percent increase in searches for the term. "In this age of misinformation—of 'fake news,' conspiracy theories, Twitter trolls, and deepfakes—gaslighting has emerged as a word for our time," the publishing company explained.

Here's a breakdown of what it actually means to be "gaslit"—plus some ways to know if it's happening in your romantic relationships.

What Is Gaslighting?

Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage.” Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that undermines the recipient's reality and is meant to leave them insecure and unsure of themselves.

Over time, gaslighting will wear you down and erode your self-confidence. When someone is gaslighting you, it creates a fog of uncertainty and self-doubt. (For what it's worth, what In a Fog has described sounds like classic gaslighting.)

Gaslighting can happen on a one-time basis (situational gaslighting) and some may chalk it up to a heated or emotional conversation gone awry. (See, the debate around The Bachelorette and whether or not Greg was really being emotionally manipulative or gaslighting Katie—or just being emotional.) But In a Fog's situation is a continual pattern of behavior—a.k.a. ongoing gaslighting. This is considered a form of emotional abuse and shouldn't be taken lightly.

Origins of the Term

The phrase "gaslighting" comes from the 1944 movie Gas Light, in which Gregory, played by Charles Boyer, attempts to make his wife Paula, played by Ingrid Bergman, question her own reality. In a key scene, he makes the gas lights in the house flicker and when Paula asks why the light is flickering, he tells her it is not really happening and that it's all in her mind. This is part of his master plan of lies, deceptions, and misdirects.

When you are in a relationship with someone who was gaslighting you, much like Paula, you can feel confused and start to doubt yourself—and there are some classic techniques that you should know about.

Signs That You Are Being Gaslit by Your Partner

1. They deny objective facts. ("That never happened.")
2. They tell blatant lies. ("I did not give that woman my phone number.")
3. They undermine your emotions as a way to invalidate your reality. ("You are being paranoid and jealous. There is nothing going on between me and her.")
4. They accuse you of imagining or making things up when you are telling the truth. ("Stop lying, you know that is not true.")
5. They criticize you and use put-downs that are subtle or overt. ("Of course you can't find your keys. You're the most disorganized person I've ever met.")
6. They accuse you of being "too sensitive," "hysterical," or "overly emotional." ("You are hysterical. Stop acting so crazy.")
7. They accuse you of being paranoid, imagining things, or being told things did not happen that did. ("You always have some crazy theory. I am sure you never put that cash in your wallet.")
8. They attack the people, things, and values most dear to you. ("Your daughter wouldn't be such a brat if you were a better mother.")
9. Their actions are inconsistent with their words and self-reporting. ("I help with the housework all the time. I do more than you do!")
10. They accuse you of the things they are actually doing. ("Maybe you are cheating on me. That must be why you are so paranoid.")
11. They try to use other people against you by reporting things people said about you they did not say. ("Your sister told me she thinks you are really irresponsible.")
12. They insist you were not someplace that you know you were. ("You never went to that restaurant with me.")
13. They try to turn people against you or harm your credibility with others. ("Jane has gotten so emotional and is making such bad decisions. You may want to think twice about involving her in the family business.")
14. They convince you that other people are lying to you. ("Your brother is such a liar, how can you even believe him for a minute?")
15. They hide objects from you and then act like they don't know anything about it. ("You lost your keys again? You really have a problem with your memory.")

Why People Gaslight

While the type of person who has a consistent pattern of gaslighting varies, there are some common reasons and personality traits. People who use this technique in their relationship tend to want to keep their partner questioning their reality.

They have a desire to erode their partner's self-esteem in order to gain power and or control. They tend to like chaos and conflict. They use this to their advantage, especially when they have a partner who is more of a people pleaser. Some of the most common reasons people gaslight are:

• They have a desire to be in control.
• They use gaslighting to stop conflict.
• They use it to deflect their personal responsibility.
• They want to keep a people-pleaser partner trying to please.
• They use it to gain power and control.
• They have a personality disorder like narcissism or borderline or antisocial personality disorder.
• They want to keep the other person off balance.
• They have a strong need to be right, regardless of facts.

How to Deal With Gaslighting

Trust your gut if something feels wrong.

We have instincts for a reason. Any time you get that "uh-oh" feeling in your gut, you should listen to it.

Step away from the situation.

When a partner is gaslighting you, you can waste hours going in circles recounting what really happened with no resolution. Take some space to collect yourself and recall the facts. Go for a walk, take a time out, or call a friend to get some support. A little space can give you a fresh perspective.

Don't listen to anyone who calls you crazy.

Someone who loves you and has good intentions would never speak to you that way. If they were genuinely concerned, they would encourage you to seek therapy or meet with your doctor. There would be a gentle approach—not hurtful accusations.

Keep receipts.

Take screenshots of conversations and text messages and put them in a file or share with a trusted friend. Take photos of evidence. After having a conversation, write down notes while it is still fresh in your mind.

Don't believe anyone who says your family or friends are against you.

This is a manipulation and an attempt to make you question yourself. Anyone who attempts to turn your support system against you, or vice versa, is trying to isolate you and make you less able to leave them.

Get support from a neutral person, like a therapist.

If you feel like you are losing your grip on reality, you should always run things by a professional. They can help you figure out if you are with someone who is manipulating you and performing this type of abuse.

Don't waver.

Stand your ground and don't let your partner make you question your reality. When discussing your memory of events, do it with confidence and don't get drawn into a debate about what happened. End conversations like that by saying things like, "It sounds like we remember what happened differently."

Don't get sucked into debates.

If you remember things differently, don't get pulled into an argument about who is right. Just say, "I am not really interested in arguing or debating how we see this." You can agree to move past it or you can agree to disagree.

Set boundaries.

Once you've identified the gaslighting pattern, it's crucial to communicate that it won't stand. Here's a list of responses that you can fall back on:

• "I remember what happened."
• "You don't get to tell me how to feel."
• "I understand that your intention was to make a joke and it was hurtful."
• "My feelings are valid."
• "This is my experience and this is how I feel about it. My feelings are not up for debate."
• "I don't appreciate you telling me I am crazy."
• "It's not okay to speak to me that way."
• "I will not continue this conversation if you keep minimizing my perspective."
• "I am not interested in debating this."
• "I am done talking about this."
• "I know what I saw."
• "I said 'no' and you need to respect my answer."

The Bottom Line

Many people see gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse. If you find yourself questioning your reality, feeling a heightened level of anxiety, and always apologizing, you just may be a victim of this. This can lead you to question your worth and have trouble making decisions.

Trust your gut if something feels wrong. If you feel like you are losing your grip on reality, you should always run things by a professional. They can help you figure out if you are with someone who is manipulating you and performing this type of abuse—and help you leave the relationship.

In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.