So here we are. It's come to this. First, a warning: if it's an impartial commentary you're after, you should probably know that you've come to the wrong palace, because I'm sitting here trying to type with a roasary beads entwined between the fingers of each hand, a pig under each arm and a knobbly stick clamped between my teeth.
Having shipped a flukey goal at Croke Park on Saturday night, the Republic of Ireland will line up in Paris tonight with their chances of qualification for South Africa 2010 on the line like a rolled-up £50 note hoovering up a line of the devil's dandruff.
Johnny Cynic will point out that their cause is as good as hopeless; that Paddy is supping in the Last Chance Saloon and the taps and optics are dry. No European team has ever recovered from a home defeat in a World Cup play-off to qualify for the final, he'll add, embellishing this carefully honed stat with research that has discovered France have won the World Cup once, finished second once and third twice in 12 appearances at the finals. By contrast, poor old downtrodden, forelock-tugging Paddy has only reached the last eight of the World Cup once in three appearances at the finals ... and even then only by the skin of his oppressed-for-900-years teeth.
The message is clear: little guy Paddy is doomed.
Or is he? I'm reminded of a query posed many years ago by a young Sean Connery in a well-known Walt Disney all-singing, all-dancing leprechaun extravaganza: "What kind kind of man are you at all who doesn't believe in the little people?"
Well?
Pre-match trash-talking: Claude Monet, Louis Pasteur, Marcel Marceau, Victor Hugo, Gustave Eiffel, Alain Prost, Georges Bizet, Laurent Jalabert, Christian Dior, Jean-Luc Picard, The Man In The Iron Mask, Antoine de Caunes, Joe Le Taxi … can you hear me Joe Le Taxi? Your boys are going to take one hell of a beating.
Team news: Giovanni Trapattoni keeps faith with the men who ran France close on Saturday. Liam Lawrence is once again handed the job of providing both width and defensive cover on the right side of midfield as Aiden McGeady makes do with a seat on the bench. France coach Raymond Domenech makes one enforced change as injured central defender Eric Abidal is replaced by Julien Escude.
Republic of Ireland: Given, O'Shea, St. Ledger, Dunne, Kilbane, Lawrence, Whelan, Andrews, Duff, Doyle, Keane.
Subs: Joe Murphy, McGeady, McShane, Kelly, Gibson, Hunt, Best.
France: Lloris, Sagna, Gallas, Escude, Evra, Lassana Diarra,
Alou Diarra, Gourcuff, Anelka, Gignac, Henry.
Subs: Mandanda, Govou, Benzema, Sissoko, Malouda, Squillaci
Pre-match emails: "Sorry for the 900 years of oppression," writes Sam Barritt. "Does it help that we're supporting you now?" Well Sam, it won't unburn those villages Oliver Cromwell razed to the ground, but I suppose it's a start.
"I was at the same fixture in Paris five years ago and when 30,000 Irishman began belting out La Marseillaise, you could see the blood drain from the French players faces," writes Jamie Woods. "The 12th man will be with the boys in green tonight."
"What we need is an early Irish goal, not leprechauns," writes Kevin Mannerings. "But of course I believe in them. There is one inside every PC running Windows."
Pre-match punditry: Ronnie Whelan is in the Sky Sports studio and has just said that he believes Ireland's players will all "give 110%", but when called upon to give "that extra 10%", they may be found wanting in terms of sheer ability ... but there's no doubt in his mind everyone will be "giving 100%". Make of that what you will.
Pre-match niceties: The teams line up in the tunnel and Thierry Henry does his bit for cordialite by reaching across to shake hands with Robbie Keane, Shay Given and Richard Dunne. With a click-clack of studs on concrete, the teams walk out on to the pitch.
The national anthems are sung with gusto. Not long now. "Is that true about the leprechauns in your PC?" asks Greg Mungin. "And if it is, do they see everything?" I hope not.
1 min: The camera focuses on a balding headbutt-merchant taking his seat, meaning there's a Zinedine Zidane in the stand and a Zinedine Kilbane on the pitch. Ireland kick off playing in white shirts, green shorts and white socks. France wear their usual blue shirts, white shorts and red socks.
2 min: Early touches for Ireland: Richard Dunne hits the ball long, France clear. John O'Shea kicks the ball long, France clear. I can see a pattern emerging here.
3 min: Alou Diarra, Thierry Henry, Yoann Gourcuff and Lassana Diarra combine as France embark on their first attack of note. It's broken up by Liam Lawrence by the time I'm about halfway through typing Lassana Diarra's surname, but I was so far into the sentence that there was no point in turning back then.
4 min: Ireland attack and the ball goes to Kevin Doyle in the centre. He plays it out to Damien Duff on the left flank, who sends in a cross. It's too high for Robbie Keane and Patrice Evra clears.
5 min: Ireland win a free-kick in a dangerous area, about 50 yards out. The ball is lofted into the penalty area, Richard Dunne gets his head to it but it bounces out of harm's way.
6 min: The ball, that is. Not Richard Dunne's head.
7 min: There's a break in play as France centre-half Julien Escude gets treated for a bloody nose after shipping an accidental elbow from his team-mate Patrice Evra. Ireland have got off to a good start - the French are looking quite nervy and one of them is already pouring blood.
8 min: "If O'Trap has told them to play all these up-and-unders, why didn't he pick Rob Kearney, or at least Brian O'Driscoll to bolster the midfield?" asks Greg Scully.
9 min: France substitution: Julien Escude off, Sébastien Squillaci on.
10 min: Ireland win a corner from which nothing comes. Gignac sets off on the break, haring down the left flank, riding a tackle from Liam Lawrence and playing the ball inside to Yoann Gourcuff. Advancing to the edge of the Ireland penalty area, he tries to pick out Thierry Henry, but his pass is wayward and a panic-stricken, back-pedalling Ireland defence clears.
11 min: France win a corner when Keith Andrews heads wide under pressure from Keith Andrews. The ball is sent into the mixer, headed clear and drops nicely for Lassana Diarra who swings his right leg on the edge of the D outside the penalty area. His effort sails high and wide.
13 min: "While I agree with Sam Barritt's apology for the whole, you know, colonization thing, I feel duty-bound to add that the reason most neutrals will be supporting Ireland tonight is that they secretly think their own country could beat them in the World Cup proper," writes Scott W.
14 min: Free-kick for France about 35 yards out, well left of centre. The ball is rolled to Anelka, who sends a low drive straight into the wall. The ball then breaks to Andre-Pierre Gignac, whose shot takes a deflection and goes out from a corner.
16 min: "Squillaci?" asks Don Kavanagh. "Sounds horribly familiar ..." I hear ya, Don. This could be that World Cup quarter-final in 1990 revisited, although I think that bugger's name was spelt "Schillaci".
17 min: Ireland win a throw-in deep in France territory. Kilbane slings the ball over his head and a couple of dinks later, Damien Duff gets a cross in from the left. Liam Lawrence is lurking at the back post, but Patrice Evra clears with a good header.
19 min: O'Shea fouls Henry and France win a free-kick about 50 yards out, over by the left touchline. Henry swings the ball in, Sébastien Squillaci's header is far too meaty and with a loud thunk, his attempted flick drops wide.
20 min: Ireland attack on the break courtesy of Kevin Doyle. He picks out Liam Lawrence, who dilly-dallies then passes when he probably should have had a shot from distance. He's got a sweet right foot, but as anyone who's seen a certain amateur video production recorded by one of his former team-mates at Sunderland will know, his aim isn't great.
23 min: Brave goalkeeping by Hugo Lloris, who dashes of his line to dive at the feet of Robbie Keane, who'd swung his right peg and looked certain to smash the ball into the French goal from six yards out. It was waist-high and bouncing nicely in front of the Ireland striker, who'd followed up a blocked effort by Kevin Doyle.
25 min: Ireland are doing really well here. From the right flank, Liam Lawrence curls a marvellous ball across the edge of the six-yard box, where Kevin Doyle beats William Gallas in the air, but fails to get enough purchase on his header to steer an effort on target. Instead he scuffs the ball harmlessly wide when a firmer header would surely have put Ireland a goal up and levelled the tie on aggregate.
27 min: "To show genuine contrition for colonising, massacring, starving and doing other bad things, shouldn't we English pointedly not support Ireland tonight?" suggests Robin Hazlehurst. "It seems to really get up the noses of all Irish people (and Scots) when we do support them because they think it's patronising, so Allez La France - to make Ireland happy."
29 min: Damien Duff scuttles down the left flank again, but runs into Bacary Sagna, who relieves him of possession.
30 min: Another cross into the French penalty area from the right flank, this time - I think - from Andrews. The ball is too high for Robbie Keane and Bacary Sagna clears up.
GOAL! Rep of Ireland 1-0 France (Keane 33) (Agg score: 1-1) Brilliant play down the left by Kevin Kilbane and Damien Duff, who carve open the French rearguard with a marvellous one-two that sends Duff to the byline with the ball at his feet. He pulls it back to Robbie Keane, who smashes a low drive past Lloris into the bottom right-hand corner.
35 min: You'd think a deathly silence would have descended on the stadium, but it appears to be stuffed to the rafters with celebrating Irishmen. They've every right to be happy with their team - they've been the better side and are worth their one-goal lead on the night.
36 min: So what do Ireland do now? Should they sit back on their lead or continue to take the game to France, attacking them down the flanks and pumping long, high balls down the centre in the manner that's served them so well in the opening half-hour. Over to you, Trap ...
37 min: Free-kick for France, just inside the Irish half, wide on the right. The ball is played down the flank, Bacary Sagna cuts inside and rolls it to Nicolas Anelka, whose shot is defected out for a corner. Nothing comes of it and Ireland clear their lines.
40 min: On the right flank, Nic Anelka feints right and left before prodding the ball goalwards. It's cleared, but only as far as Andre Pierre Gignac, who wastes a good shooting opportunity by allowing the ball to get caught under his feet. He's been very poor over the course of the two legs so far, which is irritating for France fans bewildered by the sight of Karim Benzema on their bench.
42 min: Lassana Diarra goes on a surging gallop into French territory, only to run into a stout challenge from Sean St Ledger, who larrups the ball up the pitch.
43 min: France get two crosses into the Ireland penalty area in quick succession. Only Gignac and Henry are inside it to try and get on the end of them, and neither troubles the Irish defence unduly.
45+1 min: Free-kick for Ireland about 40 yards out from the France goal, dead centre. Glenn Whelan and Liam Lwrence stand over it, with the former hammering the ball off Evra's back and out for a corner. That was a serious surface-to-air screamer that could have gone anywhere if Evra hadn't got in its way.
45+2 min: The corner is sent in, France clear, Duff gets the ball back into the mixer and Hugo Lloris clears. It's half-time.
Half-time: It's 1-0 on the night to the Republic of Ireland, but all square on aggregate. France have the home advantage, but that's more of a hindrance than a help to them considering their own fans have just booed them off the pitch. There's no question that the occupants of the Irish dressing room will be happier with that 45-minute shift. They've pulled back a goal, fluffed several good chances and reduced France to the occasional attack on the break and long-range effort.
Half-time analysis: "My support for Ireland has nothing to do with imperial guilt, but the delightful thought of two Stoke City players (Lawrence and Whelan) at the world cup finals," writes M Parker.
"I may have given myself a hernia when you announced that goal," writes Brian O Donnchadha. "Trying to stifle a cheer mid-yelp has sent stabbing pains across my stomach and I'm pretty sure has caused some internal bleeding. Being in North Dakota surrounded by people who are pretty sure God created ice hockey and then banned all other sports, makes it very difficult for me to release my inner leprechaun ... who in this country would just offer me a bowl of bloody Lucky Charms anyway."
John Lally has written in with distressing news for the Irish: ANNOUNCEMENT BY FIFA: "FOR THESE PLAY-OFFS THE AWAY GOALS RULE HAS BEEN SUSPENDED (IN THE CASE OF IRISH AWAY GOALS) AND SHOULD IRELAND PREVAIL 2-1 OVER FRANCE THEY WILL GO TO EXTRA TIME AND THEN A BAGUETTE-MAKING CONTEST."
John Willoughby writes: "Tell Brian O Donnchadha if he's been eating those lucky charms, that could explain his stomach problem.
I'm sure some of the coloured things they put in with the cereal are made of foam rubber insulation. I should know, my daughter keeps wanting to buy them then not wanting to eat them because while they're a nice idea (to an 8 y.o.) they taste foul."
Apology: A lot of Ireland-supporting readers have written in to complain about me tempting fate at the end of my first half summary by saying that Ireland should win if they continue playing as they have been so far.
I've deleted it now. Sorry about that - I really should have known better.
Second half: France kick-off after both sides emerge from the dressing room unchanged.
46 min: Ireland win a free-kick wide on the left, which Liam Lawrence pings across the France penalty area. Having ghosted in towards the back post unmarked, John O'Shea chests the ball down and swings a leg, blasting a half-decent scoring opportunity high and wide from a narrow angle.
47 min: Ireland attack again, with Kevin Doyle sprinting down the left flank with the ball at his feet. He tries to drill a low cross into the path of Liam Lawrence, galloping forward from midfield, but his pass fails to clear Patrice Evra, who hacks clear.
49 min: It's worth mentioning that after John O'Shea's chance a couple of minutes ago, William Gallas got a serious funk on over the slack marking on the part of the French. There's definitely discord in the French camp - they're there for the taking.
50 min: Ireland attack down the left flank again. Robbie Keane sends in a low cross, Doyle misses it and only a last-ditch lunge from Evra prevents Lawrence from getting a clear shot on goal. France embark on a quick counter-attack, stretching the Irish defence completely out of shape in the process, but the predictably rubbish shooting of Gignac prevents the French from capitalising.
52 min: The referee pauses the game to give Kevin Kilbane a ticking-off for the heinous crime of being thrown to the ground by Andre Pierre Gignac. Bloody Fifa ...
53 min: Good play by Evra, who cuts in from the left to tee up Nicolas Anelka for a shot from distance. He sends the ball fizzing straight at Given, who wraps the ball in a warm embrace.
56 min: France substitution: Sidney Govou on, Andre Pierre Gignac off. That's bad news for Ireland - Govou is good, while Gignac looked like a supporter who'd won a raffle where first prize was the chance to play in a World Cup play-off for France against Ireland.
57 min: Nicolas Anelka wreaks havoc down the left wing, turning assorted defenders inside out before sending in a cross that's blocked by Glenn Whelan's midrift. The crowd appeal for a penalty but none is forthcoming. Replays show the decision was the correct one.
58 min: France turn the screw and Kevin Kilbane is shown a yellow card for pushing Yoann Gourcuff in the back after being left in the French midfielder's dust. The ball's swung in from the left and headed clear by Lawrence, who's been marvellous tonight. It's sent into the mixer again, this time Dunne clears. Again the ball is lofted into the Ireland penalty area, this time Shay Given claims it.
60 min: Aaaagghhhhhh!
61 min: That was close. In the Irish penalty area, Richard Dunne leaves a bouncing ball for Shay Given and spying an opportunity, Thierry Henry nips in between defender and goalkeeper and pounces. He gets a touch from a very narrow angle but not enough to steer the ball into the goal. But that's not the half of it ...
62 min: ... because that Henry chance came on the back of a France counter-attack after Damien Duff had made a complete pig's ear of a glorious opportunity to put Ireland 2-1 up on aggregate, with a priceless away goal. Latching on to a marvellously weighted through-ball from Robbie Keane, he only had the onrushing Hugo Lloris to beat and contrived to hit it straight at the keeper. That was the finish of a player who's been spending too much time in the company Bobby Zamora at Fulham.
64 min: Ireland substitution: Glenn Whelan off, Darron Gibson on.
65 min: Ireland substitution: Paul McShane on, a hobbling John O'Shea off. That's a 24 and possibly 54-minute (plus pens) long rollercoaster ride ahoy!
67 min: France attack down Ireland's right flank. Bacary Sagna sends the ball into the penalty area, but with his back to goal, Darron Gibson controls the cross on his chest, swivels on one foot and hacks clear.
68 min: Darron Gibson hacks another long ball through the centre for Robbie Keane to chase. There's too much welly on it and Hugo Lloris collects.
69 min: Paul McShane is much maligned as a defender, but earns his corn here by bravely throwing himself in front of a smashed Yoann Gourcuff volley that looked to be heading goalward.
71 min: It's all France at the moment. Gourcuff whips a free-kick goalwards and Given gets down quickly to save. Moments later, Sagna sends in a cross from the right that Henry glances it wide with his head.
72 min: Curses! Robbie Keane misses a scoring opportunity that's even more gilt-edged than Duff's. Having been played through on goal by a wonderful through-ball from Liam Lawrence, he skipped past Gallas on the left side of the six-yard box and took the ball past Lloris the goalkeeper. Pausing for a split-second too long when he should have poked it diagonally into an empty goal, he's left to throw his hands to his head in frustration as the ball rolls wide.
75 min: For anyone who is unsure, if the score stays like this at full time, there'll be extra time, then penalties. Should Ireland score, their extra away goal would mean France would have to score two to get through.
77 min: France free-kick in the Ireland left-back position. As Gourcuff waits to swing the ball into the penalty area, the referee holds up play to book Sebastien Squilaci for excess back-chat. The ball is eventually dispatched and Ireland clear.
79 min: "Ireland should be out of sight! I know I'm a doom monger but you know what's coming," writes Michael Jordan who, if he's that Michael Jordan seems surprisingly up to speed on Irish football history for the world's greatest basketball player.
82 min: Another long ball up towards the France penalty area, which Liam Lawrence does exceptionally well to keep in play. The Stoke midfielder sends a Hail Mary cross into the France penalty area, where France goalkeeper Hugo Lloris leaps higher than Kevin Doyle and claims.
84 min: Algeria are through, Slovenia are through, Portugal are through, Greece are through. There's two places left at South Africa 2010, but only one for a European side. France or the Republic of Ireland - who'll take it?
87 min: France substitution: Yoann Gourcuff off, Florent Malouda on.
89 min: Ireland manage to dominate possession, but without creating anything in the way of a chance.
90 min: Diarra gives the ball away in midfield and Robbie Keane pounces, surges forward and shoots high and wide from 25 yards out. There'll be three minutes of added pain.
90+1 min: The referee books Florent Malouda for a foul on Liam Lawrence.
90+2min: France attack down Ireland's left flank, but Nicolas Anelka slices a wayward cross high into the night sky and wide.
90+3min: It's true what they say. Never mind the disappointment, it's the hope that kills you. In the Ireland penalty area near the end-line, Thierry Henry manages to hook a cross into the six-yard box. Shay Given has to stretch, the ball spills loose and Sean St Ledger hacks it into Row Z. Good defending.
Full-time: Peep! Peep! Peep! There'll be half an hour of extra time, then - maybe - penalties.
ET1: Ireland get the first half of extra-time underway. I'm not sure I can take another 30 minutes of this. Ireland should have won that game. Oh Damien! Oh Robbie! Your X Factoring compatriots Jedward would have put away one of those chances between them.
ET3: France go on the attack, pressing and probing, playing the ball from right to left across the final third. Diarra eventually tees up Nicolas Anelka, who sends a long-range drive fizzing about a foot wide of the left upright.
ET4: Ireland attack down the right, with Liam Lawrence trying to get in a cross from the corner, only to find his efforts thwarted by Patrice Evra.
ET5: On Sky, match analyst Matt Holland is explaining that if it does go to penaties, the shoot-out will "be a lottery". No it effin' won't! Mattie Holland seems like a lovely fella, albeit one who bears more than a passing resemblance to a mouse, but he's talking through his hat if he thinks the outcome of penalty shoot-outs is entirely in the lap of the Gods.
ET7: Nic Anelka dinks the ball past Shay Given, goes down under what looks like a foul from the goalkeeper in the Irish penalty area and the France supporters appeal for a penalty. The referee takes a long look and then awards ... a goal-kick.
ET9: I've seen the replay of that "foul" on Anelka several times and I still can't tell whether he took a dive, made deliberate contact with Given's hand and then went down, or if Given had a sneaky grab of the striker's ankle as the ball went past him. To be fair to Anelka, he didn't complain about the referee's decision, but one thing's for certain - I've seen penalties given for a hell of a lot less.
ET11: It's real backs to the wall stuff here from Ireland. Sidney Govou lashes a Thierry Henry cross into the net but is correctly flagged for offside.
GOAL! France 1-1 Ireland (Agg: 2-1) (Gallas) France's players wheel away in celebration after William Gallas nods a Thierry Henry cross home from six inches. A free-kick from the Frenchy half was lofted into the Ireland penalty area, broke for Henry who controlled it with his hand ... twice ... then flicked it across the face of goal with his right foot for Gallas to head home. That's a travesty, there. There were two players offside when thev ball wasp layed in and Henry's handball was obvious enough to send Shay Given and several other players tearing out to the ref to complain about it in the strongest possible terms.
ET15: It's half-time in extra time. That's a real sickener for the Irish. The referee had been excellent up to that point, but now he's kicked the whole nation of Ireland in the bollocks.
ET16: In the flurry of protests that followed France's goal - a flurry of protests that saw about six Irish players sprint to the referee shouting "effin' handball" while patting their forearms in the universal sign language for effin' handball - Damien Duff was booked. Now Sidney Govou gets booked for an offence I didn't notice.
ET19: Ireland substitution: man of the match contender Liam Lawrence off, Aiden McGeady on.
ET19: Darron Gibson tries a shot from distance - high and wide. "Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!" chant the Irish as Thierry Henry is penalised for a foul on Paul McShane. I can't stress enough how deliberate and obvious his handball was. Standing near one post, he stuck out his hand to control a ball that was bouncing wide, pushed it towards the ground and then flicked it across the face of goal for Gallas to prod home. I don't know how the referee didn't see it.
ET21: "No doubt after that joke of a goal, the video replay debate will be re-opened," writes Andy McNab, who may or may not be the gun-toting illiterate who etc and so on. "What will Platini – a Frenchman, head of Uefa, and known to be opposed to such technology – possibly be able to say to defend his ridiculous opinions now? I feel very sorry for the Irish, especially after having the seeding system changed on them at the last minute, once Fifa worked out that a World Cup without France and Portugal might not be a marketer's dream."
ET23: Ireland are still plugging away, doing their best, but if the players are as deflated as I am in the wake of that goal I don't hold out much hope for them. Despite what Andy McNab says, I've always thhought the controversy and debate generated by comedy refereeing decisions are one of football's more charming side-shows ... unless they go against whatever team I want to win, obviously. But assuming the referee tonight is on the level - and there's no reason to think otherwise - surely he'll feel as sick and disappointed as any Irishman when he sees the replay of France's goal?
ET25: Free-kick for France, 25 yards out from the Irish goal, right of centre. Nicolas Anelka sends the ball into the wall and it ricochets out for a corner.
ET26: Florent Malouda swings in the corner from the right, Shay Given sees it late but manages to claim anyway.
ET27: "So much for those poxy Lucky Charms," writes Brian Ó Donnchadha.
ET28: A high ball into the France box prompts Hugo Lloris to rush off his line and claim the ball. Richard Dunne clatters into him late, the goalkeeper goes down and several France players swarm around Dunne to voice their displeasure at the Ireland defender.
ET29: Ireland win a free-kick in the French half, over by the right touchline. The Irish throw everyone forward, including Given. McGeady sends the ball into the penalty area, where it looks to be heading wide until Richard Dunne stretches to head it back into play. Hugo Lloris sprints off his line to claim.
ET30: Peep! Peep! Peep! It's all over. Ireland have performed heroically, put in their best performance for years and - with monotonous predictability - failed to qualify. They've been well and truly swindled out of a place at the World Cup finals, but the fact of the matter is that they spurned more than enough gilt-edged chances to win the game in normal time.
The aftermath: As assorted France players congratulate each other, their opponents lie strewn around the pitch like extras on the set of a Tarantino movie. In one penalty area, Richard Dunne and Thierry Henry sit chatting in what seems genuinely like a very amiable fashion.
Post-match niceties: Dunne and Henry get to their feet, embrace and head for the dressing rooms. Raymond Domenech accepts the congratulations of his backroom staff and Damien Duff wipes salty tears from his cheeks. He'll wake up screaming in the middle of nightmares about that second-half one-on-one he missed for the rest of his life. At least I hope he does.
Right, I'm off to find a corner of the office to curl up in and cry. Or a pub in which to have a pint before emulating Homer Simpson by going home, lying on my bed, closing my eyes for two seconds, opening them again, getting up and coming back into the office to record to tomorrow's Football Weekly ... Extra. Don't forget to tune in. Life sucks, but worse things than Ireland not qualifying for the World Cup happen at sea. Grrr ...