What to Do If Your Husband Is a Mama's Boy

When you first started dating, your husband's strong connection with his mother might have won you over. After all, it sets a good example of how he treats his closest relationships, right? Family is important, and when you're married, you're going to become part of his, but as you settle into routines together, you might find that your mother-in-law is the highest priority on his list—and he might be exhibiting some serious mama's boy characteristics. So, how do you separate your husband from his mother in a healthy way for everyone?

If you're married to a mama's boy, it doesn't mean that you'll never come first. Before you consider kicking him to the curb, remember the strong family values that are now a part of your life together. With a little encouragement and understanding, your husband's relationship with his mother can be beneficial for everyone.

Below, read on to learn what to do when he chooses his mother over you, according to certified mental health and relationship experts.

Signs That Your Husband Is a Mama’s Boy

When your mother-in-law insists on remaining the top person in her son's life, it can feel like there's no way to become his number one. To know if you're dealing with a mama's boy, look for these mama's boy characteristics:

• His mother's wish is his command. If she wants him to run an errand, take her to the doctor, eat with her, etc., he always obliges regardless of your wants.
• He wants daily or nearly daily contact with his mom, either via phone or in person.
• He always chooses her over his spouse or children.
• He never moved far away from his mom, or even still lives with her.
• He has trouble making decisions without his mom.
• He expects you to take care of him in the same ways that she does.
• He has financial ties to his mother, which keeps him on a short leash with her expectations.

If you've recognized these mama's boy characteristics, don't panic—there are plenty of ways to build a healthier relationship with your husband (and his mother) moving forward.

Mama's Boy Red Flags

The above signs can vary in seriousness, but there are a few distinct red flags that will make being married to a mama's boy difficult. According to Dr. Sherrie Sims Allen, the "big red flag is when his mother is his first beneficiary on his insurance policies, but you are his wife," she says. "His mother consistently bails him out of financial difficulties, permitting him from stepping up and maturing into manhood." 

Another red flag is when he insists you move into his mother’s house to save money—because she allows him to live at her place, rent free, adds Dr. Allen. In doing so, "he also puts his mother’s needs ahead of his, yours, and your family’s needs."

What to Do If Your Husband Is a Mama's Boy

Set Boundaries

Once you've established that your husband is a mama's boy, determine which behaviors are tolerable and where you draw the line. For example, you may tell him that it's no problem for him to call her regularly, as long as it doesn't infringe on your time together. You may not be okay with him turning to her with problems that would be better discussed with you. It might be fine to live in the same town, but not to live with your in-laws.

“You must give guidance and set limits in a loving way,” said expert Dr. Diana Kirschner. She added that even when set carefully, limits can be stormy—but you must be firm without getting angry. If he wants you to attend the fifth family dinner with the in-laws in the last three weeks, Kirschner said, say something like, “You can go, but I will not. I have already attended many family functions recently, and now I need my space.” Even when it's hard, stick to your boundaries. If your mother-in-law makes you feel guilty, or your husband argues, your needs still come first. Eventually, you'll develop a routine that everyone understands (and it takes time).

Keep the Peace With Your Husband

A big mistake many partners make is expressing their feelings to a spouse or mother-in-law—with anger or aggression—without thinking first. Dr. Herb Goldberg told us partners should keep the peace, not making an issue of their husband’s relationship with his mom (even if it crosses a line). Instead, it's important to develop a strong personal identity. Goldberg noted that it's more helpful to set limits with your husband, not your mother-in-law, and stand firm.

Your marriage shouldn't always take the center stage in your life. Make yourself your top priority—so be a little selfish (in a good way). Work, find a hobby, explore new interests, and develop your relationships with friends and family outside of your husband. He must recognize that you’re independent, Goldberg said, and that you might leave if he continues to ignore your needs.

Avoid Resenting His Mother

While it's an easy habit to fall into, it's not beneficial if your feelings about your husband's mother come off negatively (so try not to nag him about spending less time with her). Instead, remember that putting his mom down is hurtful. It could even diminish his feelings about himself as a husband. Those feelings can turn into resentment, which is a dangerous tension in a healthy marriage.

How to Deal With Your Mother-in-Law

On that note, tension is common between the mothers of mama's boys and their spouses. "It's a high probability, but not certain, that there will be drama with your mother-in-law when you are married to a mama’s boy," explains Dr. Allen. If you do find drama brewing, being the bigger person, difficult as it may be, will help avoid jealousy and work to your advantage. Remaining cordial and respectful with your mother in law is a healthy way to express your boundaries. “Don’t try to straighten out the mother,” said Kirschner. “You’ll never win.”

That's not to say that you have to spend as much time with your mother-in-law as your husband does, or tolerate poor treatment from her. It's okay to maintain some distance. Let your husband (and children, if you have them) keep their relationship with her strong. You can see her less often if you like. The decision is up to you, and it should be based on your comfort level.

How to Help a Mama's Boy Set Boundaries With His Mother

Ultimately, your husband will be the deciding factor in whether his attachment to his mom breaks your marriage—and it will cause a strain. "Being married to a mama’s boy can create drama between you and your husband on a constant basis when he does not distinguish the importance of making you and your family his priority," says Dr. Allen.

Try expressing to him that putting his marriage first is good for him, too. “You can’t happily be both a husband and a mama’s boy, because you’re always torn in two directions,” said Kirschner. If he accepts your limits and starts putting you first, then be gentle with him as you both determine a new normal together. If he doesn't, you might need to take some time away to let him decide what his priorities are.

Still, you can’t do the work for him. He has to be the one to cut the cord, added Kirschner. “He has to form a boundary between his new family and the family of origin, or be torn [for] the rest of his married life,” Kirschner said.

Ultimately, the best move is to start a conversation with your husband about what you expect from the relationship. It probably won't happen overnight—so don't get discouraged if it takes some work to make both parties happy. You might find that a healthy balance even brings you all closer together.