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Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family Paperback – September 6, 2011

by David Celani (Author)
4.8 4.8 out of 5 stars 145 ratings
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Why, after a childhood of emotional neglect and abuse, would a man move next door to the very parents who caused him pain? And how can a woman emerge from her mother's control in order to form healthy adult relationships?

Giving up family attachments that failed to meet our needs as children, David Celani argues, is the hardest psychological task an adult can undertake. Yet the reality is that many adults re-create the most painful aspects of their early relationships with their parents in new relationships with peers and romantic partners, frustrating themselves and discouraging them from leaving their family of origin. Leaving Home emphasizes the life-saving benefits of separating from destructive parents and offers a viable program for personal emancipation.

Celani's program is based on Object-Relations Theory, a branch of psychoanalysis developed by Scottish analyst Ronald Fairbairn. The human personality, Fairbairn argued, is not the result of inherited (and thus immutable) instincts. Rather, the developing child builds internal relational templates that guide his future interactions with others based on the conscious and unconscious memories he internalized from his primary relationship―the one he experienced with his parents. While a child's attachment to parents who were neglectful or even abusive is not uncommon, there is a way out. Articulate, sensitive, and replete with examples from Celani's twenty-six years of clinical practice, this book outlines the practical steps to leaving home.
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  1. Print length
    176 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Columbia University Press
  4. Publication date
    September 6, 2011
  5. Dimensions
    5.5 x 0.6 x 8.2 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0231134770
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0231134774
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

Dr. David Celani meaningfully, forcefully, and poignantly confronts one of the most common pschyo-social issues of our time and of times past: the plight of the dysfunctional family and the attendant paradox of their offspring being unable to separate from them in adulthood to live their own lives. Dr. Celani beautifully addresses this problem and offers valuable guidelines for its sufferers. This work is highly recommended for all mental health professionals. -- James Grotstein, M.D.

Full of compassion encouragement, this book will prepare readers to leave home and to live a life free of interpersonal failures. ― Library Journal

Ambitious... The writing is straightforward and agreeable. -- Harriette Kaley ― PsycCRITIQUES

Sophisticated and challenging... This book offers guidance and encouragement without the watered-down platitudes found elsewhere. -- Paul Efthim ― New England Psychologist

About the Author

David P. Celani is a licensed psychologist who practiced for more than twenty-five years in Burlington, Vermont. In treatment, he focused on his patients' "attachment to bad objects," which manifested through their inability to separate from parents, friends, or marital partners who demeaned, criticized, or abused them. Celani now presents workshops throughout the United States on Object Relations theory. His books with Columbia University Press include Fairbairn's Object Relations Theory in the Clinical Setting and The Illusion of Love: Why the Battered Woman Returns to Her Abuser.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Columbia University Press; Reprint edition (September 6, 2011)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 176 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0231134770
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0231134774
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 8 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.6 x 8.2 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.8 4.8 out of 5 stars 145 ratings

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David P. Celani

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Customer reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
4.8 out of 5
145 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Patrick Moore LMT BA
5.0 out of 5 stars Simply explained, powerful understanding . . .
Reviewed in the United States on December 27, 2018
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I first read his other book for therapists about Fairbairn. That was great but some readers find it tough to sort through.

This book starts with a story about a young man who is good looking, talented, and just can't seem to grow into his own independent life--he buys a house right next door to his parents, who never really gave him what he wanted. Why move closer to those who you know aren't going to give you what you need? This paradoxical situation is explained very well.

This would be a great book for people who have chosen a few partners who berated or undermined.
Would be great for ACoAs to get a better grasp on how the inconsistent parenting leads to odd behaviors in the children, now adults.
7 people found this helpful
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Light Seeker
5.0 out of 5 stars Completely life changing.
Reviewed in the United States on May 15, 2017
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I don't even know where to begin in reviewing this book. I have about 10 pages left and I don't want the book to end. NEVER in my lifetime have I been helped as this in depth wisdom has on so many levels. I literally highlighted every page. No, I don't still live in my parents home physically but yes, I still live in my family home emotionally. I wish I had read this book when I was 20 instead of now, decades later - in my older years. But then I do know that wisdom arrives when we are able to absorb it.

I will be rereading this book many times and I hope for the healing and change of life that I need. I hope that the deep wisdom and truth resonates to help me continue to change and to stop, once and for all, expecting to find any love in my birth family. It does not exist there, it never did.

Thank you David Celani - just don't have enough words to express my appreciation. I hope that you have another book I can read to help continue this evolution towards healing.
23 people found this helpful
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Sally A. Frances
5.0 out of 5 stars Best book on adult development
Reviewed in the United States on October 19, 2019
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Excellent book on the adult passage of leaving home, physically and emotionally. Well written and readable for the layman, and a terrific resource for therapists. I have loaned it to my own patients repeatedly and they have raved about it.
4 people found this helpful
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Brenda R.
4.0 out of 5 stars Enlightening, even for those who have been long gone.
Reviewed in the United States on April 21, 2015
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In an intriguing exploration of Fairbairn's Object Relations theory, Celani takes the reader back to the origins of pathological attachment behavior. Through his therapist eyes it becomes easy to see how careless or incapable parental behavior, though seemingly inconsequential, can result in serious attachment disruptions and significant emotional development delays that can follow children well into adulthood - and beyond.
Perhaps not as useful as a therapeutic guide, but certainly enlightening with regards to understanding dysfunctional family relations and their origins, and it has the potential to make you question your own parenting choices. Minimal jargon and easy to read.
11 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant, helpful, and somewhat shocking.
Reviewed in the United States on July 9, 2016
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The whole book met my expectations. I have been struggling very badly with my parents who never loved me. I was expected to perform and worship them but received a lot of criticism and abuse. Celani just gets it. I am now ready to leave home for good and never look back. Anyone who does not like or love their own child does not deserve to be a parent. I can never imagine not loving our daughter. Sure, there are moments of frustration but no matter how old she gets I will never withdraw my love it or support from her or any grandchildren I might have. Celani understands and unravels the mystery for those of us who were abused but could never fully separate from our parents.
10 people found this helpful
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Jessica
5.0 out of 5 stars Short, realistic, and insightful read.
Reviewed in the United States on July 15, 2020
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I am amazed and grateful for the depth of analysis the author goes through, by providing real life examples of the patients. And what amazes me the most is the accurate predictions of the rationalizations and defenses emotionally starved adult children will use. - lot of them I deny. The concept of the wounded self and hopeful self are awesome. For me especially, I did not know the adverse impacts of hopeful self constructs an illusion of hope or love. I also appreciate the author’s incredible honesty which warns the abused adult children to forgo the hope of seeking justice, revenge, compensation, or imagined love from the parents who have not shown much evidence in the past few decades. The acceptance of this helps me to understand that there’s an way out, and that I absolutely need to let go of those illusions so as to not waste the time-limited rest of my life.
5 people found this helpful
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cinnamon_stix
5.0 out of 5 stars It felt like the author narrates my life and struggles
Reviewed in the United States on December 8, 2021
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I am an adult struggling to break my attachment to an abusive family. David Celani does an excellent job at describing how an abused child can grow up to become more dependent on a dysfunctional family than a child who was not abused. He offers understanding and examples of how several of his patients broke their bond to unloving parents. This is a must read for anyone struggling to be free and lead the best life they can, despite childhood trauma.
5 people found this helpful
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Alice9
5.0 out of 5 stars Thank you!!!!!
Reviewed in the United States on February 21, 2012
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Thank you for the gift of this book! I cut off communication with my family of origin 3 years ago (I am now 31 yrs old) with the help and guidance of my psychologist, but have longed for these exact words to bring meaning and understanding to it all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this book. I have found very limited literature on this "taboo" act of ceasing communication with my dysfunctional family of origin, as so many, as you say in your book, claim that you must make "amends" with your family of origin. I beg to differ if that family is full of mental illness that members refuse to recognize, emotional abuse that is mostly directed at the "peace keeper" (formerly me), and if I literally become suicidal after every encounter with them. My life simply depended on me cutting off communication with them. My therapist knew this, and my mind knew this before my heart did/has. My heart was/is still a little girl longing for a mother who tends to my needs perhaps even once a week instead of her own 100% of the time. But I digress. So thank you for showing me I am not alone, nor am I wrong. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
48 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Bee
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 4, 2019
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I would recommend this book for people who practise psychotherapy and also people who would like to learn something about themselves. I was just curious, but became surprised by how much I came to understand myself and people around me after reading this book. The author has a wealth of experience, and their narrative voice is assured and trusting. This book is absolutely full of wisdom and lessons for anyone to learn.
2 people found this helpful
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R. Jones
5.0 out of 5 stars Well worth buying
Reviewed in Australia on March 24, 2017
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Great book. A good book for individuals negotiating lives with difficult family members, especially those experiencing strained relationships with difficult parents. Also a really good book for the professionals such as psychologists and counsellors working with these individuals and wanting to understand their lives and their difficulties in separating themselves from family who are not good for them. Finally, important too for both the client and professional to understand as the nature of the task ahead of them within the therapeutic alliance for the individual with difficult family to move to a place psychologically where they can feel free to live their own separate lives. I only wish that final chapter, also called Leaving Home, was a little bit longer and that there were a few more case studies here to do with successfully "leaving home". Still, definitely a book worth owning and it was well worth the price of buying it, particularly at it's currently reduced price.
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Catherine
3.0 out of 5 stars Not for me
Reviewed in Canada on February 13, 2015
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I really wanted to like this book but I threw it aside after a while. For the part that I did read, I really appreciate how the book pointed out that it's usually the worst parents who oppose you separating from your parents. Otherwise, his writing was more like a scholarly study and talking about his experience with clients rather than a therapy book.
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Stephen Brewer
5.0 out of 5 stars Spot on.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 8, 2015
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I bought this to help a friend leave his controlling parents, and it put into words all the conclusions I had already come to about what was going on, and then some. A previous reviewer criticised Celani's references to biographical works of novelists, but I couldn't think of a better way to have given interesting examples of his explanations in action and see nothing wrong with that. My friend has now set a date to move out by, and things are looking up for him. Eventually, he'll read the book himself once he's ready.
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Richard Clarke
4.0 out of 5 stars Interesting exploration of object dynamics
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 7, 2015
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Th book has good case examples. Clear explanations given. Was a little shorter than I expected, overall good and easy to read.
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