125 George Carlin Quotes To Make You Laugh, Smile and Think

George Carlin was one of the greatest comedians that ever graced a stage, and his comedy was as poignant and deep as it was hilarious. From his infamous take on censorship with his NSFW "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" (which landed in the Supreme Court) to nuanced George Carlin quotes on partisan politics and consumerism, Carlin not only made audiences laugh, but he challenged them to think independently and critically—albeit not entirely deliberately.

"Sometimes people say, 'Do I try to make audiences think?' I say: 'No no no,' because that really would be the kiss of death," Carlin said in his final interview before his death in 2008. "But what I want them to know is that I’m thinking. It’s part of that showoff and dropout syndrome. I think I need to show them that I have brought myself to a cleverer, smarter spot than they have."

He was as prolific as he was profound, with a career spanning nearly five decades, 23 albums, 14 HBO specials, 130 Tonight Show appearances and three books (plus posthumous releases). These George Carlin quotes on life showcase his wit, ingenuity and genius—and, occasionally, his potty mouth, which was part of his signature charm. Known for his funny and sarcastic quotes, we think you'll get a kick out of his words.

Related: George Carlin's Daughter Slams His AI-Generated Comedy Special

125 George Carlin Quotes

1. "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

2. "Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

3. "Some people see things that are and ask, 'Why?' Some people dream of things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

4. "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

5. "A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

6. "Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

7. "The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

8. "Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

9. "Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

10. "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

11. "Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away."

12. "Think off-center."

13. "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

14. "I don't have pet peeves. I have major psychotic f**king hatreds."

15. "Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bulls**t they teach you in school."

16. "Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."

17. "We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years."

18. "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."

19. "When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts."

20. "In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

21. "We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass."

22. "The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

23. "Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me."

24. "Bulls--t is truly the American soundtrack."

25. "When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat."

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26. "That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

27. "I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently, I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

28. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

29. "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?"

30. "How is it possible to have a civil war?"

31. "War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die."

32. "I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."

33. "Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist."

34. "'Bipartisan' usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."

35. "I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work."

36. "If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders."

37. "You show me a lazy p***k who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to p**s, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."

38. "Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money."

39. "If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor."

40. "Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

41. "By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

42. "I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so f**kin' heroic."

43. "How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?"

44. "Religion is just mind control."

45. "Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

46. "I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences."

47. "Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers."

48. "Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

49. "I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."

50. "He — and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever f**k things up this badly."

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51. "How can [God] be perfect? Everything He ever makes dies."

52. "The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend."

53. "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."