The Aftermath

The Aftermath
By AJA

My daughter is in full recovery from Anorexia. Our family went through one hell of a battle to save her life. And here we are in the glorious phase of recovery.

There is joy. There is pure relief. And there is the aftermath.

The. Aftermath.

A confusing, unexpected and emotional place for this mama to be.

Throughout the last few years, I’ve used the imagery of war during my daughters journey to
recovery.

The war was between Anorexia and my family – both battling in the name of my daughter.

Except my family wanted to save her and Anorexia wanted to kill her.

After a long and ferocious war my family is victorious. My daughter is alive. She is well. And she
is living free of an eating disorder.

And yet, here I stand…..in the middle of an empty battlefield……

smothers of smoke still billowing from where Anorexia’s bombs exploded in an attempt to block our road to recovery…..

echos of the eating disorders words still ringing…..

and my mind still racing to stay one step ahead of Anorexia…..

except there is no Anorexia. She is recovered!

And yet, here I stand. Unsure of how to exit the battlefield.

Afraid that if I turn my back to soon, Anorexia will rise from its smothering ashes and attempt to
take my daughter again.

How unprepared I was for the aftermath of this war.

Our world had been turned upside down by Anorexia. My daughters life in danger. And our life
stopped so that we could save her.

And WE DID – we saved her!

But now I am left fumbling. Unsure of how to pick up the pieces – of the world we left behind –
when we went to battle with an Eating Disorder.

You see, the world is different for me now. I don’t hear things in the same way that I used to.

I hear friends and family talking about diets. I listen to them put their own bodies down for their perceived imperfections and I cringe.

I hear commercials for weight loss on the radio and I change the channel.

I don’t see ideal bodies anymore. I see bodies that are healthy. Full of the right nutrition.

Nutrition that fuels our body and our brain. Nutrition that allows us to live fully and be alive.

Because I’ve seen what a lack of nutrition looks like. I’ve watched the wave of death roll in when Anorexia took hold of my daughter. I saw Anorexia suffocate her. And I watched as my daughter succumbed to Anorexia’s strength.

Without the proper nutrition your body fails. Your heart, your brain, your mental health, your entire being will die.

But the right nutrition saves us. It fuels us. And it provides our bodies with lifesaving substance.

In our world, proper nourishment powers all kinds of body types and body sizes. And the differences are ok!

But society as a whole doesn’t see it this way. There is a constant push to perfection.

Have the body of a super model, society says.

Count the calories, society says.

Don’t eat the dessert, society says.

Anything that is not perfection is imperfect, society says.

These thoughts and ideas are like placing ammunition in the hands of Anorexia…..

And yet this is the world we live in.

So here I stand….in an empty battlefield…. Trying to shield my daughter from these messages…..because it only takes a spark to ignite the flame of an eating disorder.

And at the same time….she needs to learn to shield these messages herself, because as I said, this is the world we live in.

But then there is me.

Me.

Me who went through recovery with my daughter. Me Who ate what she ate in support of her.

Because I would not allow Anorexia to take her from me.

Well.

Now here I stand. Not concerned about my weight, because the number on the scale no longer defines anything for me.

But more concerned about my health. Because I need to be healthy for my daughter and my family.

And yet…….

It seems so hypocritical to be monitoring my nutrition for the exact opposite reason I monitored my daughters nutrition.

There is an irony in all of it…….and my mind can’t sort it out.

My mind struggles to find peace within the irony. And I have a fear that working on myself could feed life back into Anorexia.

These anxieties and these fears have almost paralyzed me in the battlefield….making it feel impossible for me to leave.

Over the last few months…..I have watched my daughter shine. Shine in her independence with making solid food choices. Shine in being ok with imperfections. Shine in living her life free from
any trace of Anorexia. She shines in life!

The other day, my daughter bought a candy bar at school from a fundraiser. She shared it with her sister on our drive home. They each ate half of it, licking their fingers so that none of it went
to waste. When we got home that day, she walked into the house and said:

“I am starving! What do we have for a snack?”

What do we have for a snack? There is magic within these words.

It reaffirms to me, that we have indeed conquered Anorexia.

It is time for me to exit the battlefield.

It is time for me to take care of me and my own health now.

And this is ok.

Because I know who Anorexia is now. I know how he chooses to fight his battle. I understand how he takes his victims down. And I know what to watch for.

This solider is hanging up her hat.

And with a deep breath of trust and knowledge…..

Today I will exit the battlefield…….but I will always keep one eye on the enemy.