Xander explains why she didn't reunite with Yoly after The Ultimatum: Queer Love

WARNING: This post contains spoilers for The Ultimatum: Queer Love

Xander rode out of The Ultimatum: Queer Love solo.

Going into the finale, it was pretty clear that Xander would not end up with her original partner Vanessa after falling in love with her first trial marriage partner Yoly.

What was less clear is where her connection with Yoly would take the pair — who both issued ultimatums to their longtime partners — after finding such a strong connection during the experience. After Yoly revealed that she accepted Mal's proposal, Xander left the show alone and began working on herself. At the reunion, we learn that while Xander and Yoly met up at Coachella after the show, they ultimately did not give a relationship a shot.

Below, Xander tells EW about not ending up with Vanessa or Yoly, and how The Ultimatum: Queer Love changed her.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What stands out to you about your earliest moments with Yoly?

XANDER: One of the first things I liked about Yoly is she's very independent and she was also very respectful to others, which was very important to me. The best thing I got from our conversations was how comforting she was to me when I was struggling, which we all were to a certain extent. She gave me space and really listened to me. The communication between the two of us was the most attractive.

You spent a good chunk of time defending Vanessa because of how much people talked about her actions and questioned her motivations. Did that make your time on the show harder?

Yeah, that was a hard part. There's so much going on and sometimes we would get sucked back into the drama of it all. She said this thing to me or this didn't sit well with me, which is important and I want to talk about those things, but ultimately we were there to figure out things for ourselves, for our partners. We were getting a little lost in some of those things. At times I would get frustrated because I was tired of talking about Vanessa.

How hard was navigating what to do about your relationship with Vanessa and your feelings for Yoly? Like that very awkward group outing.

It was so chaotic. Honestly, it was so much just knowing I was going into this party where I knew I wanted to talk to Yoly because I missed her so much. We were together all the time and then she was back with Mal. It wasn't that I was trying to steal her away, but I truly missed having those conversations with her. I knew I wanted to talk to her and I already told Vanessa about our connection and she knew I wanted to talk to Yoly. We had that conversation, but at the same time I was going home with Vanessa and deal with whatever feelings she was having about my conversations. It was stressful. I tried to navigate it in the best way I could, but we could have been more respectful towards everyone.

What was going through your mind when you made your final decision about Vanessa by not choosing to stay with her?

I knew early on that Vanessa and I should not be together. After my trial marriage with Yoly, she and I had a lot of conversations about her giving her relationship with Mal the respect it deserved by trying to see where it goes. I thought in a way I needed to do the same thing, but after getting space from Vanessa and seeing certain things, I knew in my heart that this was not the person I needed to end up with.

What about when you spoke to Yoly after she'd accepted Mal's proposal and you ended things with Vanessa?

I was not trying to persuade Yoly in either direction. I wanted her to make her own decision. Speaking for myself, I had just become aware that did need to feel like someone was choosing me. That was a really big thing for me. I didn't think we were going to leave engaged by any means, but if she had decided not to get engaged to Mal, then there was potential that her and I would have started dating or something. We both had a lot to unpack and heal, but I really wanted her to make her own decision and what was best for her.

So what happened between you and Yoly after the show? It's briefly mentioned during the reunion.

That definitely got a little confusing. I haven't seen the reunion, but reflecting back on it, that probably looks a little hazy. She was engaged to Mal for a chunk of time while I was starting my healing process. I was trying to find my way in the world without being in a relationship with Vanessa. We were still in communication, but respecting each other's space. Once they broke up, we had planned to meet up at Coachella and it just felt different. We both had that love and connection, but she had just gotten out of the relationship with Mal and I was in the middle of my process. It didn't hit the same way because we were just in different places at the time.

What did you take away from the experience of being on the show?

I had a lot of negative feelings for a while about the show and certain aspects of it, but thankfully now I've had so much time I know it's actually what I needed. In a way, it was like a car crash. It's a big dramatic event to get me to see that we need to change some things. I was allowing a lot of external control happening in my life and I was allowing people to make decision for me. Now that I know myself very well, I can see that I was respectful to people but I wasn't doing that for myself. That was a big change for me in finding myself. I can now be better for everyone that I have relationships with: friendships, family, romantic relationships.

All episodes of The Ultimatum: Queer Love are streaming now on Netflix.

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