Lovesickness: Why Intense Or Unrequited Feelings Can Sometimes Be Painful

Being in love can be a fun, fulfilling experience, but it can also lead to intense emotions, especially when it’s unrequited. Although your heart may not physically break, it can sometimes feel that way. Oftentimes, people will experience unrequited love or heartbreak as a type of physical pain in addition to experiencing its negative emotional impact. In those cases, what that person may be experiencing is called lovesickness.

Lovesickness is a common phenomenon, yet its effects can feel isolating. While the condition isn’t classified as a mental health disorder, it can still have direct impacts on one’s quality of life. Let’s look at the symptoms of lovesickness, why it occurs, and ways in which to cope with these intense emotions.

What is lovesickness?

Although experiencing the early stages of a romantic relationship – known as the honeymoon phase — may have some similarities with feeling lovesick, there are some key differences between the two.

Someone in the honeymoon phase of a relationship may feel the same level of love and obsession for their partner as someone who is lovesick, but having a honeymoon phase suggests that those feelings are reciprocated and a romantic relationship has begun. However, lovesickness refers to the negative feelings regarding love stemming from knowing a relationship with the person of your desire isn’t realistic.

Exploring the emotional and physical symptoms 

Although feeling lovesick isn’t a medical condition, it can still come with a myriad of symptoms—including both emotional and biological responses—that can affect daily life. Each person may experience lovesickness differently. Some common symptoms or signs of lovesickness that even an average or healthy person might experience include: 

• Rose-colored glasses: When someone feels lovesick, they might fail to set boundaries and overlook someone’s negative traits or behaviors that point to red flags, only seeing the side of them they want to see. 

• Loss of concentration: Feeling restless or being unable to focus on anything without your mind drifting towards the person of your affection could be a sign of lovesickness.

• Obsessive thought patterns: Being unable to think about anything for an extended period of time except for your beloved could indicate lovesickness. You may also notice intrusive thoughts about your loved one pop in at random times and find yourself hoarding valueless items that remind you of them. 

• Mood changes: Sudden changes to your mood or overall demeanor, such as an abnormally elevated mood or sense of happiness followed by a low mood or sense of grief, could be signs of lovesickness, especially if these mood changes result from interactions with a specific person you love.

• Insomnia: Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep due to thoughts of your romantic partner could be a symptom of feeling lovesick.

• Loss of appetite: When someone feels lovesick, they might experience significant changes to their appetite levels.

• Physical symptoms: Experiencing lovesickness can sometimes lead to feeling physically sick. Headache, body tremors, stomachache, nausea, increased heart rate, and sweating, among other physical ailments, can all be lovesickness symptoms.

The science behind lovesickness

While love can seem like a purely emotional state, there are biological changes to one’s body when experiencing feelings of love and heartbreak. According to research, feeling lovesick can affect the balance of a person’s levels of neurotransmitters and hormones, including:

• Dopamine: Causes feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, and motivation

• Serotonin: Involved in emotion control systems that boost and stabilize a person’s mood

• Noradrenaline: Controls feelings of arousal, attention, cognitive function, and reactions to stress.

• Testosterone: Influences sexual behavior, including libido

• Cortisol: Controls the body’s reaction to stress

These chemical changes can affect a person’s mental, emotional, and even physical health. New research from Queensland Health Services found that in college students, love troubles affected mood and mental health in the same way as common mental health conditions. 

Is lovesickness considered a mental health disorder?

Lovesickness doesn’t appear in the DSM-5 and is generally not considered to be a mental health disorder. However, this doesn’t mean it can’t affect a person’s mental health. Lovesickness can lead to or intensify certain mental health conditions for some individuals. These conditions can include the following:

Depression

Depressive disorder, known as depression, can cause a person to persistently feel sad, hopeless, or disinterested in things they once enjoyed. When a broken heart or sense of lost love is added into the mix, an individual might experience more intense or prolonged symptoms.

Anxiety disorders

Anxiety disorders, such as social anxiety or generalized anxiety disorder, can cause feelings of stress, dread, or general uneasiness. Unrequited love can amplify the stress and insecurity you’re feeling and contribute to any potential anxiety surrounding romantic relationships or self-confidence.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

A 2022 study conducted by Italian psychiatrist Donatella Marazitti found that looking at the relationship between romantic love and obsessive-compulsive disorder suggests that “romantic love does shape the expression of OCD.” Further studies of lovesick people in the early phase of love were found to have a similar density of the platelet serotonin transporter in the brain to those of people with OCD (well below normal levels). Those living with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) might experience obsessive behaviors or thoughts surrounding the person of their affection.

Borderline personality disorder

Those living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may feel intense emotions, including emotions related to love or a broken heart. Oftentimes, they might fall in love quickly, increasing the chances for unrequited love. When lovesick, feelings of sadness and hopelessness may be intense as well.

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Experiencing a powerful heartbreak can be considered a traumatic experience for some, potentially leading to or amplifying existing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In fact, a 2023 study found that the end of a nonmarital romantic relationship is significantly associated with post-traumatic stress symptoms, such as frequent flashbacks. 

Additional impacts 

In addition to mental health conditions, feeling lovesick can impact a person’s quality of life in many other ways, including:

• Physical health impacts: Symptoms such as not eating or getting enough sleep can lead to negative effects on your physical health. Additionally, researchers have identified a physical condition resulting from heartbreak known as broken heart syndrome.

• Jealousy: If the object of your unrequited love enters into a relationship with a different person, it can cause intense feelings of jealousy, leading to strong emotions or irrational behaviors.

• Closing yourself off from future love: When feeling lovesick, you might miss out on opportunities for healthy, mutual love from another person. Some individuals might cling to superstitiously resonant items that remind them of their beloved, impacting their sense of reality and further complicating their emotional state.

In extreme cases, lovesickness could also cause someone to become irrational or impulsive in order to capture their beloved’s attention, potentially harming themselves or the object of their affection. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

Ways to cope 

If you’re feeling lovesick, it might be helpful to remember that these feelings often don’t last forever. Although there is no official treatment for feeling lovesick, there are many techniques you can use to help minimize the effects of unrequited love and heartbreak.

Some ways to cope with feeling lovesick can include:

Self-care

Listening to music, taking a warm bath, reading a book, journaling, or practicing relaxation techniques can all be examples of self-care, which can help you significantly lower stress and other negative emotions associated with lovesickness.

Spending time with family and friends

Oftentimes, spending time with loved ones, such as a close friend or family member, can give you both a positive distraction from the situation and the emotional support you might need to heal and move forward.

Focusing on hobbies

Spending time doing things you love can also serve as a positive distraction from feelings of lovesickness. When you focus on your own needs, you have less time to think about your beloved. 

Expressing your feelings in a healthy way

Talking about how you feel can help you sort through your emotions and get support from those around you.

Being patient with yourself

Moving forward from heartbreak can take time, so being patient and kind to yourself can ease some of the stress associated with feeling lovesick. The time it takes to move on could range anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of months or more. 

Coping with unrequited love in online therapy

If you’re experiencing unrequited love, heartbreak, or lovesickness, one way to manage your symptoms and work through your feelings in a healthy way can be by working with a therapist or, in some severe cases, medical professionals specializing in mental health. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a form of therapy that focuses on identifying unhelpful thoughts and working to modify those thoughts in order to change a person’s behavior. For someone experiencing lovesickness, this could consist of discovering why a person feels they must be with the person of their affection, identifying any thought distortions related to what their life will be like if they can’t be together, and then modifying those thoughts using logic and rationality in order to ease symptoms of lovesickness.

Lovesickness, however, can lead to mental health conditions that can make it difficult to leave home, such as depression and anxiety. When experiencing such symptoms, online therapy can be a beneficial alternative to in-person sessions. With online therapy, patients can meet with a licensed mental health therapist and receive effective treatment for their symptoms from anywhere with an internet connection.

Research suggests that online therapy can be an effective treatment method for people experiencing a number of mental health conditions, including “depression, GAD and social anxiety, panic disorders, phobias, addiction and substance use disorders, adjustment disorder, bipolar disorder, and OCD.” Additionally, online therapy can be more cost-effective and practical for those living in rural communities.