Joke Of The Day

I should have never glued a piranha to my boomerang.

I just know it’s going to come back to bite me.

I saw a lion get in to a hot air balloon basket.

It caused quite an uproar.

I saw an opera about a rodent that goes round letting the air out of tyres.

Deflator Mouse.

I’m looking for ways to keep my thumbs warm in fingerless gloves.

Any tips?

The doctor asked me how long I’d had amnesia.

I said, “For as long as I can remember.”

I got into an accident and I was surprised when the doctor handed me a report saying that my fingers were all broken.

The news was hard for me to grasp.

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose.

Why don’t you see many tortoises wearing scarves?

They have turtlenecks.

I used to wonder who flipped a vampire’s pancakes.

Turns out it’s Count Spatula.

I tried doing 100 sit-ups but I didn’t finish.

My stomach couldn’t handle that kind of ab use.

I like to put coriander on my blended tomatoes.

It’s soup herb.

What do you call a pair of inspirational shoes?

Motivational sneakers.

What do you call a walking mosquito?

An itch-hiker.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in the local park.

So basically, she sells C cells by the seesaw.

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said, “Yes, try Sarah Topps.”

I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.

He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

Did you hear about the man who only paid 5 cents for a prosthetic eye?

His name was Nikolai.

What do you get when you eat Uranium?

Atomic ache.

I’ve started taking engraving lessons.

There’s still so much to learn, we’ve only just scratched the surface.

I tried watching a beaver documentary.

The stream kept stopping.

Want to know one of the most important lessons in learning how to play guitar?

Stay tuned.

After ten years as Director of the “Ladder Enthusiasts Coalition”…

I’ve decided to step down.

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?

He wanted a well-balanced meal.

I asked the librarian for a book on “Finding Bigfoot”.

She directed me to the large print section.

I had to give up my career as a photographer.

I kept losing focus.

I cook by making up a recipe and adding a German white wine.

It’s an add hock approach to cooking.

I walked by a rehab center the other day.

The sign on the lawn said, “Keep off the grass”.

Who is the saddest person in the pasta factory?

The guy who’s filling cannelloni.

I parked in a hospital car park today.

The attendant came up and said, “This is for badge holders only”.

I said, “But I’ve got a bad shoulder”.

I went to a really bad manicure competition yesterday.

It was nail-biting.