How much time should husbands and wives spend together?
How much time should a married couple spend together?
I’m often asked to comment on the question of how much time a husband and wife should spend together. Most often, this takes the form of “How much time is it reasonable for me to ask my spouse to spend with me?” (This usually means they already asked, but their spouse might disagree). I have a few thoughts before I can give a straight answer.
1. Make your spouse feel safe to ask for what they want
First, when you know you can ask for what you want from your spouse, marriage becomes much more fun. A spouse shouldn’t be chastised for asking for what they want. If my wife wants more time to spend together, more focus (can you imagine?) from me, I want to know it! I can’t promise she’ll always get it, but I want to know about it just in case I can.
This rule is a family rule, by the way. The kids can also ask for what they want but aren’t promised to get it. This rule is true from my wife’s perspective as well. I can always ask for more time with her, and I can feel comfortable doing so, even if she has to say no.
2. Dream with your family
In addition, I love to dream with my wife or child, even when I can’t provide exactly what they want in the moment.
“I’m stoked to be done with this work project so I can spend lots more time with you. What should we plan to do together next month when I’m finished? How about a trip to Disney? What if we had a staycation?”
That isn’t sarcasm. It’s genuinely imagining with her!
For your kids,
“I really want that toy.”
“Man, I bet it would be great to have every toy we could imagine. What else would you like if you could wish for it?”
Dream with your family to make sure they know you’re on their side.
3. Get to know what your spouse desires most
Different people have different “love languages,” one of which is “quality time” (according to the renowned Gary Chapman). In my marriage, I would translate that for my wife into “Undivided Attention.”
The other four are:
- words of affirmation,
- physical touch,
- acts of service,
- receiving gifts.
Each of these is important in a healthy marriage, but if your spouse loves quality time, they may uniquely desire your attention.
Conflict usually arises when one spouse may be satisfied with less time than the other. Why not take the opportunity to give it? I want to give what I can when I can because the Lord knows I will not always be able to say yes.
God is a God who loves to give good gifts, and I love to reflect Him as a good gift giver to the people I love the most. I love to give them what they want when I can or when I think it’s right and best.
Marriage is like a garden
From my experience, very few marriages split with an emotional bang. Most marriages that end in divorce drift into divorce, with one or two “last straw” moments. Marriages tend to drift into the boring and slide into divorce over time.
So, counselors compare marriage to a garden. This analogy works on many levels. The “natural” state of a garden (meaning the state it exists in without the intentional input of energy) is death; the “natural” state of marriage is divorce. Without the deliberate input of energy, marriage dies. I talk more about this in my book Sex and Marriage.
If a garden is otherwise healthy and in an environment that engenders health (think two people who are generally healthy and who have quite a bit in common), then less scheduled and intentional time is probably necessary. If your spouse loves gifts and acts of service, quality time together may not be as important to their heart (even though it’s essential in every marriage!) Now, you can already see that a one-size-fits-all rule just won’t work.
Although a direct answer won’t work in every case, I’ll give you a general idea to work from.
How much time should I spend with my spouse?
While I can’t give you the correct answer, as you know your marriage better than I do, I have a good rule of thumb.
Years ago, I recall James Dobson saying he’d found a good minimum goal. He recommends
- Fifteen to thirty minutes a day,
- two hours a week,
- one night a quarter,
- and one weekend a year.
I like these and would generally agree. If I remember correctly, Dobson meant we need direct and meaningful conversation and interaction for 15-30 minutes daily to keep the garden in good shape. Then, we need to plan a more extended period each week in addition to that—a date, couch time, etc., of meaningful interaction; an overnight away about four times a year and a longer couple’s vacation about once a year.
This rule of thumb is a minimum. Overachieve and soar beyond these times whenever possible, and remember, this is focused time! Watching TV together, while pleasant at times, would not count unless you were engaging with each other while watching (in which case, feel free to turn it off).
In Sex and Marriage, I discuss intentionally romancing your spouse with something little during the day, doing something special every few weeks or months, and doing a big project every year or two.
Some marriages need extra time
I have some friends who are so similar to me that it creates an odd sense of time together even when we haven’t spent much time together. Know what I mean? Our temperaments, perspectives, opinions, etc., are so similar that even getting together a few times a year is sufficient to maintain our friendship as at least “stable.”
However, there are others who I dearly love who are so different from me in their personality (temperament plus character), understandings, and communication styles that even after a couple of weeks of not getting time, the relationships begin to feel awkward. Of course, this happens in marriage, too. Make sure you are getting enough time to nurture the garden even when (and maybe especially when) the conditions aren’t naturally very favorable.
Finally, I would say that there is one thing about the question that bugs me a little.
Is your marriage boring?
In Sex and Marriage, I discuss loving and romancing your spouse with limited resources. We must learn to love intentionally and intelligently since we have so little margin in most of our lives. However, I still want to have a mindset of “How much time do I get to spend with my spouse!”
I am a little saddened when someone wants to know the minimum. I know sometimes one spouse is too irresponsible to schedule the time needed, or too much of a people person to create the required margin, or just an ornery and difficult person who wants to avoid responsibility, or even a lazy person who can’t be bothered to think outside of their comfort. To be honest, maybe they’re just tired and don’t have the energy to give at the end of the day. In those settings, a minimum can be helpful.
However, to repeat, I am a little saddened when someone wants to know the minimum number for anything that God meant to be a gift to them. What is the bare minimum of Mint Oreos that I have to eat? What is the raw lowest number of dollars I have to accept? See what I mean? So, if your spouse is trying to figure out the minimum hours with you, ask yourself, what can I do to make that time with me more of a sweet experience?
If you find yourself wondering how little time you can get with your spouse and still be enough, you have become a boring spouse. Get on the ball and become an agent of freedom, love, and change in your family rather than someone who needs to be coddled.
Counseling can help
If you both are seeking the least time required to be together, then you need to come to talk to one of our counselors and get revved up to make a difference in your marriage. If we’re going to stay together anyway, we might as well do our best to make it incredible, not just bearable, much less unbearable!
So, here are my summarizing thoughts: focus your attention on finding out how to embrace time with your spouse and what role you can play in helping them embrace time with you. Since life has a habit of causing a couple to drift apart and away, you had better schedule it.
Remember, like any garden, there are times of sowing and reaping when a good deal of focused attention is for a good deal of time. There are other times when less time is okay, but remember, no garden always produces. Fruit and flowers are what make marriage fun, but they require regular investment all year round.
Don’t let your marriage slowly decay into a dead and fruitless garden. Get the help you need, if you need it, and make whatever investment is required in order to be a good gardener. For a deeper conversation on love, marriage, romance, and even sex, consider picking up a copy of Sex and Marriage and scheduling time with our wonderful counselors in Houston, Austin, Tyler, Nacogdoches, or College Station.