It's been a devastating year for political ironists. First we lost extraterrestrial James Traficant to the criminal justice system, then primary voters took from us all too soon Bob Barr, Cynthia McKinney and Bob Smith -- and now even Bob "The Torch" Torricelli has gone up in flames.
Who but Armey, feted last night in a GOP retirement dinner keynoted by Vice President Cheney, could call the first lady a "Marxist," the most prominent gay lawmaker in Congress "Barney Fag," and the nation's leading civil rights group "a misguided special-interest organization" -- and still keep his job as majority leader of the United States House of Representatives?
Who but the blunt and bulky Texan could tell Hillary Rodham Clinton at a committee hearing that "reports of your charm are overstated" or call across the House chamber to Democrats during the Clinton years and say, "Your president is just not that important to us" -- and still merit a slick retirement video last night proclaiming, "He served his country well and we are a greater people because of it"?
Not everyone shares that last sentiment. "Seldom has the Congress become a better institution due to the departure of a member of the House leadership," wrote House Democratic leaders Martin Frost and Nita Lowey last week in their own version of a send-off for Armey. "However, it has become clear that the House will become a more civil and decent institution the day Dick Armey retires."
Who cares about civility and decency? We need copy.
And copy he provided. The immediate cause of the Frost and Lowey ire was something Armey had to say while speaking to a group of Jewish leaders in Florida recently. "I always see two Jewish communities in America," he said. "One of deep intellect and one of shallow, superficial intellect."
When the summer doldrums gripped the political world, Armey selflessly put aside his fishing rod in August and went to Iowa, where he ripped apart the president's -- his president's -- policy on Iraq. "I don't believe that America will justifiably make an unprovoked attack on another nation," he said. "It would not be consistent with what we have been as a nation or what we should be as a nation."
Last night's event at the Hilton Washington, billed as a "salute" to Armey and Rep. J.C. Watts of Oklahoma, the retiring head of the House Republican caucus, was really a $5 million fundraiser for House GOP reelection efforts. But there was plenty of saluting. Cheney, in his flat way, called Armey "one of the few people we can thank" for GOP control of the House. A video with soft piano music hailed him, Jefferson-like, as the "principal author" of the Contract With America.
Yet it was not hard to notice a common theme in the tributes: that Armey was a difficult man to keep on message. "Dick's not shy about speaking his mind," said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.), preceding the video slide show of Armey kissing a fish and riding a motorcycle and a horse. The video itself noted his tendency to "strike out on his own" and said colleagues "thank him for always walking to the beat of his own drummer."
They did not always thank him. Armey's unpredictability nearly cost him his job in July 1997, when he convinced a group of young GOP revolutionaries in the House that he would support a coup against then-Speaker Newt Gingrich. But when putsch came to shove, Armey turned against the plotters and exposed the coup. That infuriated many of his colleagues, including Hastert, who was forced to endure a second ballot in his 1998 reelection as majority leader.
All was forgotten and forgiven last night as 1,600 GOP donors stood to cheer Armey, who entered pumping his fists and singing along to the country tune "God Blessed Texas." Armey started right in.
"The song they love to sing about me over on the other side of the aisle is 'Blame it on Texas -- don't blame it on me.' " Warming to the country music theme, Armey continued, "I got to tell you, while you're all singing 'You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone,' [wife] Susan's been down in Texas singing 'It's So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like You're Here.' "
Last night, Armey, a 62-year-old former economics professor, recalled his ascent to Congress in 1984 as "the long shot's long shot" from Dallas. He told the party faithful of "the pain of it all" in the House minority, then the glorious "Hundred Days" of 1995, all the way to a farewell dinner with former staffers. "They gave me this beautiful silver platter," Armey said. "And the bill."
The tribute video also made mention of what may be Armey's most enduring contribution to American political life: the Armey Axioms. The axioms (or, as the video spelled it, "axiums") were a Berra-like series of political laws, such as:
"The market is rational; the government's dumb."
"You can't get your finger on the problem when you've got it in the wind."
"A New Democrat is a counterfeit conservative looking for work."
"Liberals love humanity but hate people."
"Social responsibility is a euphemism for personal irresponsibility."
With the loss of such wisdom, students of political humor are left to ponder an axiom of their own: A House without Dick Armey just won't feel like home.
The GOP saluted retiring Rep. J.C. Watts, center, and Majority Leader Dick Armey (with wife Susan) while raising $5 million for reelection efforts.House Speaker Dennis Hastert, far left, introduces Vice President Cheney at the GOP retirement dinner for Reps. Dick Armey and J.C. Watts, above.
