The Voice recap: Blind Auditions, Part 3

Let’s be clear: Last season’s premiere week wasn’t exactly what you’d call riveting television. In the past, The Voice’s battle rounds have been the most exciting part of the series, and surely the premiere episodes should offer up perhaps the best of the best (or at least, some of the best). So why, then, am I a little underwhelmed this season?

After last Monday and Tuesday’s inaugural season installments, I’m less than impressed by the first draft players. Very few artists stick out in my mind, and the ones that actually do register only do so because their names were memorable, not because their performances were notably spectacular.

I recall Christina Grimmie singing “Wrecking Ball” and Cary Laine rocking out to The Band Perry. Both ladies ended up on Team Adam, along with the only duet so far, Dawn & Hawkes, so I suppose that either suggests that Adam has picked the best contestants so far, or that he’s picked the only good contestants so far.

But alas, it’s waaaay too early for this kind of nonsense talk. The season is young, and I’m sure I’ll find some favorites to cheer as the blinds continue. And with that, let’s talk about tonight’s artists, several of whom actually stood out on night three of the blind auditions.

Ryan Whyte Maloney, 33, Traverse City, MI

Former Job: Garbage Man

With Several Former: Garage Bands

Song: “Lights” – Journey

Adam, Blake and Shakir O’Neal are the quick turners as soon as Ryan launches into Journey — and he’s got that totally pure tone that makes it fun to watch The Voice, because his pitch is so crystal clear that it’s hard to guess what he looks like, yet the judges will turn for what they hear as great potential and probable virtuosity. Usher makes his way around towards the end of Ryan’s audition, telling him he wanted Ryan to work, bitch. Blake calls Ryan a stud. Shakira says they’re a match made in heaven (I’m not entirely sure this is true). Ryan opts to go with what his basically toddler son advises, which is I guess sound advice to pick Team Blake.

Blake Says: “Ryan Whyte Maloney just absolutely made my day.”

Deshawn Washington, 23, Natchitoches, LA

Makes Sure You Know It’s Pronounced: Nak-a-tish

Could Be A Disney Prince Because: This!

Song: “Twistin’ the Night Away” – Sam Cooke

After what he sang in his pre-tape, I didn’t expect a ‘60s twist song for Deshawn — and in truth, knowing how the show makes its contestants audition with songs they didn’t necessarily choose, I can’t help but wonder if this wasn’t Deshawn’s choice. It felt really unnatural and didn’t really go anywhere. Luckily, Shakira Kurosawa shows some faith and turns for Deshawn, who lights up and gets a ton of energy. Usher seems to praise the song choice, even if he didn’t turn around. By default, Deshawn is starting the season with Team Shakira — though Usher definitely wants to steal during the next round.

Shakira Says: “I’m the only smart one here.”

NEXT: A nanny sees a diamond in the flesh

Sam Behymer, 25, Morgan Mill, TX

Day Job: Nanny

Backstory: Has a college degree in English literature and if The Voice doesn’t work she’ll be a librarian

Looks Like: Aubrey Plaza if she was “a Marnie”

Song: “Royals” – Lorde

What is this song? I’ve never heard it before. Just kidding. Adam turns around surprisingly quickly, even though Sam doesn’t really do anything out of the ordinary yet. In fact, she’s a little weird. Usher turns. Am I missing something? She does well with some second-half ohs, but she’s still being weird. I don’t really understand. Adam fights for her, Usher sort of thinks she might be an English artist (has there been a Brit on the show?). Sam picks Team Adam after he says she sounds like nobody else he’s ever heard.

Usher Says: “I don’t think she really understood the value of what I could offer her.”

I’m: Over it

Before the next major contestant, we get a whole bunch of rejects, including a really sexy guy in a denim shirt and a girl named Aaleliah, neither of whom can sing. At all.

Brendan Ryan, 24, Braintree, MA

Cute Meter: 6.5 with a 2.5 talent boost

Hidden Ability: Comedy and musical improvisation

We Need to Talk About: That v-neck

Song: “Love on Top” – Beyoncé

Oh man. This guy. I kind of really enjoy this guy, and I can even look behind his dumb hat and unfortunate Two First Names. Nobody gives him a shot, though. His voice is definitely not a reflection of what he looks like, and when the coaches finally turn around after the shut-out, they’re all pretty shocked. Poor dude. Blake admits he missed one, so maybe we’ll see Brendan again if the coaches need to go back to wildcards this year.

Adam Says: “People think I’m a girl all the time. Embrace it.”

Cody and Clint Walker, 26, Bernie, MO

OMG They Are: Identical twins

Backstory: Performed with Johnny Cash at age 7

Day Jobs: Math teacher and audio engineer

Song: “Keep Me in Mind” – Zac Brown Band

Blake looks like he loves it. He loves a good duet, and especially a country-tinged one. But he doesn’t turn — instead, it’s Usher at the last second. There’s something super charming about the Brothers Walker performance, and they’re actually not half bad. Harmonies are on point, and those clothes! Vests and cardigans for DAYS! Another by default goes to Team Usher.

Adam Says: “Are you guys twins or just like really good friends?”

Clarissa Serna, 27, Corpus Christi, TX

Day Job: Works for her parents in real estate

Volunteers At: Local afternoon musical group called Chicas Rock!

Starbucks Drink of Choice: Ice water

Song: “Zombie” – The Cranberries

I really dig her smoky eyes, and Sha-na-na-kira pretends to air drum during the audition because she loves the song. Adam turns around; Shakira follows suit, then Blake, and finally Usher, bringing us to our second four-chair turnaround. Clarissa can really go any way, since she doesn’t particularly echo just one genre. The tension’s so high that we get a commercial break before Clarissa opts for her Latina soul sister on Team Shakira.

Blake Says: “Man, I’m getting sick of Shakira.”

Shakira also picks up pop singer Lindsay Pagano (who sang “Lady Marmalade” — don’t know why we can’t hear that instead of weird “Royals” girl, but whatever). Adam gets soul singer Joshua Howard, and Usher snags pop vocalist Tanner James, whom he calls a diamond in the rough. Aww.

NEXT: A mailman sings!

Robert Lee, 29, Bridgeport, AL

Day Job: Mailman!!! He’s a mailman!

I Love Him ‘Cause: He’s a mailman.

Kids: 7-year-old daughter, second wife pregnant with twins

Song: “The Weight” — The Band

It’s your typical country performance — nothing too extraordinary, although Robert (E.?) Lee’s facial expressions are looking pretty desperate towards the end. When nobody spins, he’s definitely devastated, but they give him some constructive advice and send him on his way.

Things That Will Stop Him from Singing: Neither snow nor rain nor sleet

Melissa Jimenez, 29, Fort Lee, NJ

Backstory: Singing with her dad Horacio’s band Something Special Orchestra since she was 15

Had a: Record label deal (sang with Wyclef Jean!)

Lost a: Record label deal (thanks a lot, Wyclef Jean)

Song: “If I Ain’t Got You” –Alicia Keys

It’s all a cappella at the beginning, and you can tell Melissa expected someone to turn around right from the get-go. Adam looks like he’s a little stressed about her runs — they’re not quite there. Oh, but then she starts singing in Spanish and everyone turns the eye towards Shakira, who stares down Usher for the last-minute push. I’m not sure why anybody turned, since Melissa “Everybody Calls Me MJ” wasn’t all that good. Shakira and MJ have what they call a “conversation” in Greek, when really they’re just repeating “Opa!” like it’s 2002 and they just saw the Nia Vardalos movie. When debating her coach choice, MJ says she wants to be molded into “this person” and, obviously, that means…wait, never mind, she picks Team Usher.

Tessanne does a scalp care commercial.

Patrick Thomson, 35, Festus, MO

Once Again, That’s: Festus, MO

Looks Like: Hurley from Lost if he was a paper towel mascot

Song: “Can’t You See” – The Marshall Tucker Band

You know it’s a good audition when the phrase “freight train” is in the first line of the song! Right? Right. Shakira looks to her colleagues for confirmation that he’s good in an Avengers-style tracking shot. Blake goes in for the kill, followed by an ever-smarmy Adam. It’s our first Shelton-Levine Showdown of the season! Adam praises Patrick’s grit (but not grits cause those are gross). Blake makes a very visually stimulating metaphor about gargling with broken glass. At game time, Patrick chooses Team Adam.

Adam Says: “I was trying to pretend I didn’t like you so that no one would turn around.”

More rejects parade through, including Alex “Pitchy” Burt, Skylar “Control is really important” Dayne, and Ricky “Just missing that urgency” Duran.

Allison Bray, 17, Louisville, KY

Origin story: Stumbled into nuclear power plant, discovered incredible mutant voice, saves world and moonlights at Dollywood

Real origin story: Raised in a large Baptist family in the South, sings country music like normal person

Song: “Where The Boys Are” – Connie Francis

Allison thinks she’ll throw the judges off by singing a ‘50s song, even though it’s from 1961 and Deshawn Washington just sang a song from ’63 (but whatev, I’m not judging). Allison’s got a super strong vocal and the look to back it up, if that matters, which it doesn’t since nobody turns. What a damn shame.

Adam Says: “Don’t be sad, please don’t be sad.”

Sisaundra Lewis, 44, Orlando, FL

Grew Up: Picking fruit in orange groves

Former Job: Vocal director for Celine Dion

Number of Plates in Earrings: 18

Song: “Ain’t No Way” – Aretha Franklin

We all knew this was going to be the performance of the night, even before Celine came on videochat to wish Sisaundra luck, and hot damn, it sure was the highlight of the evening. It surprised me that it took so long for Shakira to turn, followed by Adam, Blake, and the perennially hesitant Usher. Frankly, Sisaundra was incredible and they should all be so lucky to have her on their teams. They each lobby, none of them doing particularly well, and in a somewhat interesting move, Sisaundra picks Team Blake, but hey, there have been weirder pairs who have gone on to Voice success.

Blake Says: “How does your ears hold that much weight?”

Did night three reflect a momentum shift in this season’s contestants? Anyone in particular you want to rave or rant about? Leave a comment!