The Power of Thinking You’re Not Special
And the cognitive distortion of culturally enforced egomania.
If you’re anything like me, you probably grew up around thoughtless messages that you were special, could do anything you put your mind to, and that just because you existed, other people would give a damn about whether you succeeded or failed.
If it wasn’t your parents or your teachers constantly telling you how special you were, it was television shows, movies, and other pop culture references that literally fed off your desire to feel like you stood out in the crowd.
But this cultural “I’m special” syndrome has much more to it than just leading us to come off as a bit self-absorbed. We don’t all believe that we’re special because of movie stars, fashion magazines, or our obsession with social media. We believe we’re special, and so we’re obsessed with these things. These aspects of culture are symptoms of culturally enforced egomania.
The real reason that people believe that they are “special” is that it gives them justification for their actions. We’re all fighting the painful reality that we might not be special at all, and anxiety crafts a message opposite to this as compensation to combat nihilism.
Okay, I know that sounds a bit grim, but hear me out. Not being special is actually way better than it sounds. I’d go so far as to say it probably will give you what you secretly desire: belonging.
Success Doesn’t Make Me Happy
Ever since I went through a heavy depressive episode paired with intense derealization several years ago, I’ve crafted this internal narrative that’s a bit intense and full of ambition. I chase my goals like my life depends on it because, in my mind, it does. Without these goals, I’m met with the uncomfortable reality that my life doesn’t mean nearly as much as I think it does.
Without my goals, I’m really not “special” at all. I realized something the other day, and I’m not sure how I feel about it: my intense drive began through overcompensation for feelings of inadequacy.
Oof.
I’m motivated, but sometimes I’m motivated because I’m scared of what I’d do if I wasn't motivated. I’m ambitious because I know what it’s like to live and die on cognitive distortions and battle with anxiety that constantly tells me I’ll “never be enough”, but also doesn’t tell me what “enough” even looks like. To fight this, I’ve set crazy goals and chased after them like there’s no tomorrow.
But as I’ve worked at these “crazy” goals, something’s happened that I never expected: I’ve actually achieved some of them. But really, relative success has only made the problem of my “special-ness” more confusing.
Feeling successful has never made me feel any happier. I’ve felt intense anxiety relief for a few days after achieving big goals, but this wasn’t a sense of purpose or happiness, it was merely a temporary euphoria that I confused for purpose and happiness.
Just days after achieving a “life-changing goal”, I was once again anxious, this time about what else I was going to achieve in order to prove that I was even more special than I’d previously believed. I was fighting a losing and neverending battle. There was no happiness, just less anxiety sometimes. I wasn’t happy, I was happy that I wasn’t anxious for a while. That’s an important distinction.
Anxiety can help create an internal narrative inside you that you’re “special” or “different”, and if you don’t challenge these thoughts, they’ll become justification for self-sabotage and other destructive habits.
Thinking You’re Special Makes You Less Special
Thinking you're special doesn’t make you special. Everyone thinks they’re special. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I believe that the most inspiring people are not the ones who are caught up in their own significance.
You wanna know someone who thinks they’re really special? Donald Trump.
But what’s even crazier than Donald Trump is that we all think we’re special to some extent. I know I’m guilty of this. I mean, if I’m not special, what purpose do I serve in this capitalist, individualistic society that I live in? What am I without my autonomy?
Okay, okay, before I go into a full-on philosophy rant on free will versus determinism, let’s talk about the power of thinking you’re not special.
Don’t get it twisted, I’m not saying that you should think that you’re meaningless — you’re not, and I’m not a nihilist, I swear. But at the same time, I do believe that the self-transcendence that comes from thinking you’re not special is really what makes someone special. By thinking you’re not special, you can become truly selfless.
“Self-love people” kind of demonize selflessness these days, and I think it’s because as a society we don’t value sacrifice anymore. Selflessness doesn't mean that someone loves others more than themselves, it means that they love themselves to the point where they don’t really give a fuck how the social ramifications of sacrifice will affect them.
I’m talking about people who are willing to look silly, suffer, or sacrifice for people who need them. To me, that’s an incredibly vulnerable position to be in, and I think it’s pretty special to be selfless.
There are a lot of people out there claiming to help others because they “love helping people”, but in reality, they’re helping people because they like how it makes them look. This isn’t an astute observation, it’s pretty obvious that many people are “helping the world” for social clout. Their altruism is jaded with potential dollar signs, Instagram likes, and press coverage.
They want to be special, and because of that, they’re just like everyone else.
We Work at Goals Like We Should Be Working on Ourselves
I get that the world is tough and that sometimes good things happen for bad people, but I still believe that intentions matter.
A lot of the world’s evil seems to come from the fragile ego, and a lot of the world's jaded toxic positivity comes from the distorted thought that some of us are “more special” than others. I’ve been guilty of this too. Sometimes, I get the idea in my head that I’m super special. I don’t know what it really means, but the thought fills me with temporary fire and significance.
Maybe it’s because I really am special, or maybe it’s just a symptom of my anxiety or ADHD. I can’t confirm whether I’m special or just a looney-tune blogger ranting about his significance on the internet, but I can confirm that I have this feeling of significance. It’s kind of a newer feeling for me too, so I’m crazy about it.
The thing is, you (the reader) don’t really care about my special feeling. You probably care more about yourself, your own feelings, and your own life than me and my transcendence. That doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a different person than me.
That’s why it’s important to remember that your feelings do not depict reality sometimes. I might believe I’m the cat’s pajamas or the bee’s knees, but maybe I’m just a hyperactive kid who works too hard and dreams too much. Either way, it doesn’t matter, what matters is the quality of my actions and my intentions.
That’s why I think that the key to improving the world and living a happier life isn’t capitalizing on your “special” feelings, it’s doing your best to make the collective experience better for as many people as you can impact. How does your being special make the rest of our lives better? Figure that out, and you’re going somewhere.
Closing Thoughts
To truly create the life you dream of, you don’t need to be special, you just need to be you. But maybe not in the way you think. Western culture has an obsession with the “self”, and we want our “self” to be as “special” and tricked out as possible like it's a sexy motorcycle we just bought at the dealership.
But really, the self doesn’t even exist. If that’s true, why am I so obsessed with my “self” being special? Why am I so anxious that I’m not special? This can’t be the right thing to be worried about.
Life isn't about being special or being great, but your ego can use that message to help drive you into the ground well before your time. When you look at life without the ego, you see the insignificance of everything in perspective. We’re not here forever, and we’re wasting time trying to prove to people on Instagram who don’t care about us that we’re “special”.
The power of the ego is strong, and to transcend the ego is to truly be special.
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