would like a girlfriend.

After school one day, Charlie and Bill are talking about dating and girls, and Charlie tells Bill about the hitting incident between his sister and her boyfriend, figuring it would be all right to tell him because he does not know them. Bill’s response is, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” It is cool autumn day, so Charlie walks home; when he arrives his parents are standing in front of his sobbing sister. Bill had called his parents, and they are now forbidding her to be with a boy who hits her. She is screaming that she loves him. When their parents leave, she tells Charlie she hates him. Charlie assures Friend that his father has not ever hit his children—except for once, and he apologized later, saying his stepfather hit his children and he had determined never to hit his own children. Charlie forgave him, of course. Charlie’s father talks to the boyfriend’s family and the relationship is apparently finished. Although Charlie’s father tells him he did the right thing, his sister is still mad at him.

The next book Bill gives Charlie is Peter Pan, and Charlie enjoys it. He has been trying to be more than just an observer of life; he is trying to be a participant, as Bill suggested. After the Homecoming game, Charlie attends a party with Sam and Patrick. He is the youngest person there, and he turns down the beer he is offered. (He tried one when he was twelve and did not like the taste.) When Sam and Patrick are elsewhere, Bob (the host of the party) offers Charlie a brownie, which he eagerly accepts. They are “special” brownies, and soon Charlie is high. Sam is furious that her friend gave Charlie a brownie and takes him to the kitchen to fix him a milkshake. After using the bathroom, a stoned Charlie hears noises in a small closet. When he opens the door he discovers Patrick and Brad, quarterback of the football team, kissing. Brad is mortified, but Patrick assures him that Charlie will keep their secret if asked. He explains that Charlie is a wallflower. Later Patrick tells Charlie, “You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.” It is Charlie’s first real party, and it is an experience he will never forget.

Part 2

Although he is trying not to think of her “that way,” Charlie is in love with Sam. It is a pure and respectful love, and he is dismayed that she is dating an older boy (Craig) who does not respect her. Charlie talks with his sister about it, and she explains that Sam has low self-esteem. She goes on to talk about her boyfriend and their secret meetings and their plans to marry one day. Even though his sister tells him her boyfriend no longer hits her, Charlie is worried for her.

Thanksgiving is drawing near, but the plan for Charlie’s brother to come home for the holidays has changed. He is too far behind in his schoolwork because of football. His mother is distraught. They spend Thanksgiving with his mother’s family and it goes better than most years, where there is yelling and crying and plenty of alcohol and distress.

As the Christmas season approaches, Charlie participates in the Secret Santa activity Sam conducts every year. He wanted to draw Sam’s name, but he drew Patrick’s instead. His first gift for him is a mix tape with songs he hopes will ensure that Patrick always feels “like he belongs to something whenever he’s sad.” The first Secret Santa gift he received was disappointing—a pair of socks. His next gifts were a tie, a belt, a pair of pants, and some shoes, some of them from the thrift store. A typed note told him to wear them to the party at Sam and Patrick’s house, where all Secret Santas are revealed. Charlie is again the youngest one there. Final gifts are exchanged, and Patrick enters the room with a suit coat to complete Charlie’s outfit, saying that all great authors wear suits. Charlie’s final gift to Patrick is a poem, which he reads out loud. Everyone is moved by the pathos of the piece. It is a suicide note, but Charlie simply thinks it is beautiful and expressive. He gives Sam an old record that his Aunt Helen gave him, and she is moved and tells him she loves him. Charlie understands it is a friend kind of love. Sam gives Charlie a used typewriter and tells him to write about her. He promises to do so, and she says she wants his first kiss to be from someone who loves him. She kisses him, and Charlie is moved. Bill has given Charlie books to read outside of class, including The Great Gatsby and A Separate Peace. The one he is reading over Christmas is Catcher in the Rye.

Sam and Patrick are at the Grand Canyon for Christmas, and Charlie is lonely. He starts to feel depressed, like he used to, but he thinks about things like Sam’s kiss and the sad feelings go away. This time of year always makes Charlie sad. His birthday is on December 24, and he hopes Sam and Patrick will call. They do not, but his brother comes home from college and they share a pleasant birthday meal. Christmas is spent with his dad’s family in Ohio. They are much like the other side of the family; there is a history of abuse and things are still not quite right.

He then tells the story of his Aunt Helen’s death. She was molested by a family friend and became an addict in abusive relationships who finally came to live with them to get her life under some control. On his seventh birthday she left to buy him a gift and was in a fatal car accident. Charlie was devastated and felt guilty and had to see doctors for a long time after the event. That is why his birthday and Christmas are always depressing to him. The first time he is able to drive alone, he visits Aunt Helen’s grave and tells her everything about everything. He promises he will only cry when it is real, not when he is simply panicked or upset.

On New Year’s Eve, Charlie drives to the party. Sam is there with Craig, and Patrick is there with Brad, and Charlie feels alone. He gets high again. At the end of the party he hears Sam and Craig having sex and says he now understands the ending of the suicide poem, though “I never wanted to. You have to believe me.”

Part 3

The letter dated January 4, 1992, is an apology to his Friend for having mailed him the last letter. He does not remember much of the rest of the party, but he knows the policemen found him lying in the snow, “pale blue and asleep.” Neither the emergency room nor his parents are too surprised at his condition, as this is not a particularly uncommon occurrence for him. They do not suspect the party as being the cause of this episode. Charlie will never tell them, and he swears to himself never to take LSD again. They watch Penn State play in the bowl game and his family tries to connect with him. Days later, he is still suffering the after-effects of the drug and is scared. Sam and Patrick soothe his fears and he is relieved. Charlie smokes his first cigarette that day and is now up to ten cigarettes a day. He keeps reading and rereading Catcher in the Rye so he does not have to think. His psychiatrist is someone Charlie talks to and who tries to answer his questions.

His next two books from Bill are On the Road and Naked Lunch. Charlie is asked to play Rocky one night in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and he loves it. Mary Elizabeth asks him to the Sadie Hawkins dance, and he says yes. It is a rather awkward and eventful evening for Charlie. His date never stopped talking about herself, Patrick got stoned with a guidance counselor in the parking lot, Sam was lonely, and his sister and her boyfriend had a fight on the dance floor. At home, Charlie tries to comfort his sobbing sister, and she finally tells him she is pregnant. Her boyfriend broke up with her because he says the baby is not his, and she is planning to terminate the pregnancy this week. Charlie will go with her. At the clinic, Charlie gets a bit panicked and starts to cry; he leaves so no one will call their parents. His sister meets him at the car and sleeps a bit before Charlie takes her home. She decides to tell her boyfriend it was a false alarm.

Mary Elizabeth and Charlie go on a second date and end up at her house. In the basement after a few glasses of brandy, they have a sexual encounter. The next day, everyone seems happy about it except for Charlie. Mary Elizabeth is not the same girl she used to be; now she is needy and rather clingy. He does not want to be hurtful, but he is growing tired of her incessant talking, which is almost exclusively about herself. After a week or more of feeling that he wants to sever his relationship with Mary Elizabeth, they end up at a party together playing truth or dare. Charlie chooses “dare” all night because he does not want to have to speak truthfully to or about Mary Elizabeth. Patrick dares him to kiss the prettiest girl in the room; tired of pretending to make Mary Elizabeth feel better, Charlie kisses Sam. The fallout is immediate, and Patrick ushers Charlie out the door and takes him home. More than a week later, Charlie writes that no one has called him. He spends his time reading Hamlet, the latest book (after Walden) recommended by Bill. It helps him to know someone else felt lonely and isolated all those years ago. His friendship with Mary Elizabeth is over, as is his relationship with Sam and Patrick. Craig got jealous at the party and Sam does not want to see Charlie; Patrick says he is busy. In his loneliness, Charlie goes to visit his Aunt Helen, but “for the first time in my life it doesn’t help.” He calls Bob and buys some pot. Now he smokes it all the time.

Part 4

Things are not getting any better for Charlie. He is a pariah at school; nothing is the same. The only person he really talks to is his psychiatrist. He spends most of his free time at the mall trying to “figure out why people go there.” One afternoon Charlie sees a young boy who has lost his mother and is reunited with her; then he sees Susan, Michael’s girlfriend before he committed suicide. Everyone at her table sits in stunned silence as he approaches, but he is compelled to ask her if she misses Michael. She does not answer, and as he walks away the others comment that he is a “freak.” Charlie does not disagree.

Once when he goes to see Bob for more marijuana, Charlie hears that Brad’s dad found out about Brad and Patrick and beat him with a belt. Brad has not been seen for the past week. Charlie wishes he could call Patrick, but he knows things have changed. Instead, he goes to The Rocky Horror Picture Show and sees Patrick (as well as Sam and Mary Elizabeth) playing their normal roles on stage and knows they are okay. He goes home to find his sister with her new boyfriend, Erik, and then goes to his room to read the latest book from Bill, The Stranger.

Things change. Brad is back in school, though he has lost his usual swagger. When Patrick tries to speak to him, Brad does not even acknowledge his presence. For several days Charlie sees Patrick crying outside the building but does not offer any consolation because of how things are between them. Then one day at lunch Patrick approaches Brad at the cafeteria table he shares with his teammates. He speaks to him quietly but Brad does not respond, and Patrick finally walks away. As he does, Brad screams “Faggot!” across the room at Patrick. Patrick slowly turns around and asks Brad what he said. Brad repeats it, and Patrick hits him. It is a hard fight, and soon Brad’s buddies join the fight. It is five against one. Charlie is not going to let this happen and joins the fray. He uses some of the moves his brother taught him and he does some damage. Brad and two others to step away from the fight. After looking at a bruised and bloody Patrick, Charlie tells Brad if he ever does such a thing again he will tell everyone what he knows—or he will “blind him.” Everyone but Brad and Charlie is suspended; they each receive a month of detentions. On the first day of their shared detention, Brad quietly thanks Charlie for stopping the beating. They have no other contact or conversation that day or any other day. Sam meets Charlie after detention, and things are suddenly back to the way they were—almost. Mary Elizabeth has an older boyfriend now, and Patrick is always unhappy. He even gives up his long-time role in Rocky Horror.

Patrick and Charlie spend more time together, and Charlie spends most of the time just listening to a morose and bitter Patrick. After a day of reminiscing and laughing, Patrick kisses Charlie. Charlie understands the need and soon Patrick once again cries and talks about Brad. Charlie understands that need, too. Over time, the two of them get drunk consistently, and Patrick takes Charlie to all the places where men meet men. Charlie waits patiently, as friends do, but Patrick does not find fulfillment and still always ends his evenings being sad. The night they see Brad and he does not notice them is the night Patrick stops drinking.

Charlie’s psychiatrist is asking odd questions about Charlie’s past. School is better for Charlie, and he has been given one last book by Bill, Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead. Bill cautions him to be a “filter” rather than a “sponge” as he reads. Charlie is busy but thinks he will finish the year with straight As.

The school year is drawing to a close and graduation is looming. Patrick has decided to attend the University of Washington in the fall to be near the music scene. Sam plans to attend Penn State and will start this summer, which delights Charlie because he can visit her and his brother at the same time. His sister will be attending Sarah Lawrence, and Mary Elizabeth is going to Berkeley. Once the seniors leave, the remainder of the school year is lonely for Charlie. Prom night is a success for all of his friends, but the day after turns tragic for Sam.

Sam discovers Craig has been cheating on her with more than one girl for the duration of their relationship. She is devastated. Charlie thought he would be happy, but he is hurting for a friend he loves and realizes that is what real love is. Bill asks him to come over one afternoon, and Charlie enjoys spending time and talking about literature with Bill and his girlfriend. Bill tells Charlie he is smart and special, which is why he gave him extra work to do. No one has called him special since his Aunt Helen, and Charlie cries but feels good and grateful.

Graduation day arrives. Charlie’s brother is back from his first year of college, and he has matured in a good way. All the relatives come and listen to Charlie’s sister’s salutatory speech. Charlie watches all his friends cross the stage and receive their diplomas. The family gathers afterward, and Sam calls Charlie to invite him to join in their celebration. He is allowed to leave once his relatives leave, and Charlie takes all his gifts to his friends. They love his thoughtfulness, and Sam tells a crying Charlie that she is as scared about college as he is about being alone at school. They agree to call and write each other to ease their loneliness.

On the night before Sam leaves for college, the usual group gets together one last time. At the end of the night, Sam and Charlie end up in her room. Sam tells Charlie he needs to learn to do what he wants rather than be passive and worry too much about what others want. Charlie kisses her, and they become intimate. At a crucial moment Charlie tells Sam he must stop. He lets her assume he is simply not ready, but there is more. That night, Charlie dreams about his Aunt Helen, and in the dream they are doing what he and Sam were doing. In the daylight, Charlie grows a bit more sure that what he dreamt had actually happened. Sam leaves for college, and Charlie thanks Friend for being “the kind of person who wouldn’t mind receiving letters from a kid.” Although Charlie had only heard about this friend while overhearing a conversation, he was confident that someone who did not “try to sleep with people even if they could have” would be a good listener. Charlie appreciates Friend listening and wishes Friend a “very nice life.”

Epilogue

Charlie spent the next two months in the hospital. He remembers mailing the letter, but that is it. His parents found him naked on the couch in front of the television. He has spent time with doctors and psychiatrists, and he is sure his Aunt Helen fondled him as they watched television on Saturday afternoons. Neither of Charlie’s siblings had the same experience, but they are devastated and sympathetic for Charlie. His parents are distraught, and his mother cries a lot when she finds out this truth about her sister. Charlie is more forgiving. He understands that Aunt Helen, like everyone, was influenced by people and acted on those influences for the rest of her life. Family and friends come to visit, and Charlie is feeling strong. In his final letter, he tells Friend he will be starting his sophomore year and he is not really afraid. In fact, he probably will not have time to write any more letters because he will be busy trying to participate in things this year:

So, if this does end up being my last letter, please believe that things are good with me, and even when they’re not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you.