Retiring President: And so, in retiring as president of this college, it is indeed a painful task to bid you all goodbye. And now, with the utmost pleasure, may I present to you the man who is to guide the destinies of this great institution: Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff! (Applause) Professor, it is indeed an honor to welcome you to Huxley College.

Professor Wagstaff: Never mind that, hold this coat.

Retiring President: Eh, by the way professor, there is no smoking.

Professor Wagstaff: That's what you say.

Retiring President: It would please the faculty if you would throw your cigar away.

Professor Wagstaff: The faculty members might just as well keep their seats–there'll be no diving for this cigar. Members of the faculty, faculty members, students of Huxley and Huxley students. I guess that covers everything.

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story that’s so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

As I look out over your eager faces, I can readily understand why this college is flat on its back. The last college I presided over, things were slightly different, I was flat on my back. Things kept going from bad to worse, but we all put our shoulders to the wheel, and it wasn’t long before I was flat on my back again.

Any questions? Any answers? Any rags? Any bones? Any bottles today? Any rags?

Let's have some action around here. Who'll say 76? Who'll say 1776? That's the spirit! 1776!

No doubt you would like to know why I'm here. I came into this college to get my son out of it. I remember the day he left to come here: a mere boy and a beardless youth. I kissed them both goodbye.

By the way, where is my son? Young lady, would you mind getting up so I can see the son rise? So, doing your homework in school, eh?

Wagstaff’s son, Frank: Hello, old-timer!

Retiring President: My dear professor, I'm sure the students would appreciate a brief outline of your plans for the future.

Professor Wagstaff: What?

Retiring President: I said, the students would appreciate a brief outline of your plans for the future.

Professor Wagstaff: You just said that. That's the trouble around here: Talk, talk, talk. Oh sometimes I think I must go mad. Where will it all end? What is it getting you?

Why don’t you go home to your wife? I’ll tell you what, I’ll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she'll never know the difference. Pull over to the side of the road there and let me see your marriage license.

Retiring President: President Wagstaff. Now that you have stepped into my shoes…

Professor Wagstaff: Oh is that what I stepped in. I wondered what it was. If these’re your shoes, the least you could do is have ‘em cleaned.

Retiring President: The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you.

Professor Wagstaff: I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.

HORSE FEATHERS, a photoplay in eight
reels by Paramount Publix Corp.
(C) 18Aug32; L3209. Emka, Ltd. (PWH);
8Jan60; R249564.

I grew up on The Marx Brothers. they titled me way back when....still tickle me today. Classic stuff,