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Non-Romantic
My (28F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been together for 1.5 years. We live together and have a great relationship; we’re supportive of each other, we respect one another and we hardly ever argue.
But our relationship feels more platonic than romantic. We have sex a few times a week - but when we’re having sex I just don’t feel that intense passion that was once there (during the honeymoon stage of course). I find him very attractive so that’s not the issue. To be honest I can’t even pinpoint why it is that it feels platonic rather than romantic. Even something as minor as holding hands - I like holding his hand but I don’t feel much of anything. Now I know over a year into the relationship you’re probably not going to be feeling butterflies anymore, I just assumed you’d feel SOMETHING? Maybe a slight increase in heart rate? Admittedly this is my first “long term” relationship, maybe this is just how it gets once you grow more comfortable with each other? I should also mention this is really my first healthy relationship.
It’s not necessarily a bad feeling, it’s just different. I’m used to the 5-6 month relationships where the passion is high and you can’t stop thinking about that other person. Everyone craves that honeymoon stage every once in a while. But I do find something so telling in being so comfortable with your partner, so I don’t take that for granted.
We’ve discussed marriage and kids and I definitely see a future together. But I can’t shake this nagging feeling that something is missing. Again, this feeling could very well just be comfortability and I just have to let go of the honeymoon feels. I guess my question is, is this a normal feeling or should I be concerned? Is this why people have a hard time leaving the honeymoon stage? Any advice to bring back the romantic feelings would also be appreciated.
TL;DR - my relationship feels more platonic than romantic but we have a great relationship and I love him dearly. Are these feelings normal?
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You miss the dramatic highs and lows that you experienced in your short-term relationships of the past, the ones that blazed brightly for a few months before fizzling our entirely. It’s literally impossible—physically & emotionally—to sustain that intense spike in endorphins over the long haul. So, yes, what you’re experiencing is normal, and if you’re still having sex “a few times a week,” then you’re a long, long way from being “Platonic” roommates.
I appreciate the reassurance!
Hi OP! I'm in a similar position as you, being that my previous relationships were dysfunctional and "passionate" (in my case, they were actually toxic). My current relationship (almost together for 4 years), however, is healthy and full of affection!
I've felt similar to how you're feeling actually because sometimes I feel like my relationship is in a "lull" and I start to look for things that make me feel dissatisfied. I feel like I've done this as a result of being in so many unhealthy relationships because that was all I knew for so long.
I love the saying "the grass is greenest where you water it" because it is 100% true. I've had the "break up" thoughts before but took a step back from those thoughts to reevaluate the way my boyfriend treats me and remember all of the reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place. If you stop daydreaming (not saying you do this -- just using myself as an example) over "what ifs" and start appreciating the reality of your current relationship then you can start to realize how much better off you really are when you're not in constant cycles of whirlwind, short term relationships.
I have close friends who are struggling with short lived relationships and being able to see those relationships in an outside perspective made me appreciate my boyfriend that much more. Dating is awful and I'm so happy I found my soulmate to come home to at the end of the day!
I hope my comment has made at least a little bit of sense and I truly wish you all the happiness in the world. 😊
You sound wise, balrogslayer. I have been trying to do what you suggested for a long time now - remind myself of why we fell in love, all that. I love my partner. He is a really good man.
When would you say it's time to give up? I just spent an hour crying on my bathroom floor because I think we have just grown too far apart, but I still love him so much, I just don't fancy him. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do what I have to do.
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Thank you so much for your well-thought-out reply. You have struck a lot of chords. I wish I could go to therapy because I know my anxiety has a bearing on this, too. However, I know what my gut is telling me. It just makes me so sad and guilty.
He has no idea this is coming and I want to prepare him. I tried to bring it up but he just pretended to not understand. I want us to sit down and work it all out together. I know that he would be happier with someone else, too. It just sucks.
You gotta follow your gut and I'm happy that you know what you have to do. It's going to be hard, but time heals all wounds and you will end up a stronger person when you come out from the other side of this.
Good luck girl 💕
Wow this is so crazy because I’ve been feeling this way about my personal relationship. The one thing that has helped me is remembering why/how we fell in love. I also decided to do some random spontaneous adventures with my partner to really connect with him.Maybe you should ask him how he feels things have been going.
This is a great idea. I definitely think it’s easy to feel complacent - especially during a pandemic. Finding ways to stay connected is crucial for any relationship
This is pretty standard in long-term domestic relationships. Desire and passion are essentially hallmarks of new relationships and need to be worked on once living together.
Esther Perel has done a TON of work on the subject. I recommend her book "Mating in Captivity" in particular to all my cohabitating friends (word of warning, I know at least one baby who has been created as a result of this suggestion!).
Have you been in a relationship that has lasted this long before? I don't mean to be patronizing, but it's an important question. Living with someone takes away a lot of "mystery" when you start dating, so the passion part can fade away which is normal. I know you said this is your first "healthy" relationship. Maybe the healthy part feels a bit boring, and you don't associate healthy behaviors with romantic partners (I'm just spit balling here)
In long term relationships (LTR), there's a trade. You trade passion and the honey-moon phase for security and comfortability. In LTRs random passion that organically arises definitely withers away. You have to "work" for it. Trying to figure out what gets your partner going, any new kinks or fantasies, and simply the art of seduction. It sounds like perhaps sex has gotten too be robotic and predictable. Maybe try to abstain from sex for a week, and see what happens when you finally get to have it.
Of course there could be a chance that y'all aren't compatible for a TLR. Which is okay, and doesn't make either of you a bad person. I would try to seduce or shake things up like I described before, and if you still feel the same talk to your partner about it.
“Maybe the healthy part feels a bit boring, and you don’t associate healthy behaviors with romantic partners” - I love this. I think that’s really well said. It can certainly feel boring at times, but I can’t expect the same excitement that once was long ago. This is my first long term relationship yes.
I also totally agree about the LTR trade with the honeymoon phase vs stability. I think I’m just having a hard time ACCEPTING the trade. I love having stability and comfort don’t get me wrong, but I LOVE feeling all the butterflies and excitement too. Just a bummer we really can’t have both!
The part about sex- I think the issue is we’re so comfortable but also just good friends that at times it feels just like that? It sounds worse than what I actually mean. But yes I agree it’s important to keep things hot in the bedroom
Thank you for your input!
No problem 😊 If it's worth anything, I struggled with the "comfort" aspect of my relationship too when I started dating my SO. I thought there was something wrong because things "weren't as good as they used to be." It's an awkward time period but with more time you'll get used to it and even embrace it.
I’d say that this is a totally normal thing, especially if you’re used to shorter relationships. You should definitely feel something, but you not only might be expecting the wrong thing, but should probably not be trying to check the preconceived boxes you seem to have for your relationship.
The longer you are with someone, the less dramatic things are (should be), so you might think that something’s missing if it’s your first time getting there. Sadly, that’s also when many people often start self-sabotaging.
In your case tho, I’d just say: forget what you think you knew and try fully experience your relationship first-hand, instead of through learned expectations.
Holding hands might be what makes someone else’s heart “flutter”, but yours could be something completely different. Or it could still be that, but the pressure you put on yourself to feel something just numbed you to it/killed the moment.
Just think about it as reaching a new stage in your relationship, one in which your particular chemistry will give birth to an entirely new type of closeness. Some might even say that it’s where real Love actually begins.
Try to stop overthinking it, and just try to be happy. That’s the real mesure of a successful relationship tbh, not movie scenes and ridiculous gestures.
If nothing changes after some time, then you might need to have a talk with him. But you might very well realize that there was nothing to worry about. Just let yourself breathe.
Relationships are not east and require a lot of work. You definitely have completed the first step by being so in tune with you’re emotions. Hopefully talking with him will help you get that spunk back. Has he done anything romantic for you lately? Despite the current pandemic?. What is you’re love language?.
Maybe try a new sexy hairstyle or learn something sexy you can use in the bedroom. Learn to strip to a beyonc song. Ask him what his fantasy is. Play truth or dare. Do the 4 minute intimate challenge. There are so many things you can do. I know someone who turned their lounge into a club on fridays and it was just the two of them dancing and drinking to their favourite music.
This is very true and definitely needed to be heard. Thank you!!
My boyfriend and I recently broke up because we were feeling lost. And we decided it was because we were living together. We never got excited to go on dates, he always knew what I was gonna wear, and we did not give each other time to miss one another.
Not saying this is the case for you but maybe some independence can bring back a spark. And if not, then maybe you just arent in love with him.
My wife and I have been together for 40 years and living together for 36 years. I'm not say this to humble brag, but to give some context for what I'm about to say.
It's my observation that living together doesn't work well for couples who spend all their free time together. When you're dating you see your partner a few times a week. You make plans to go out on a date, to spend a weekend together and so on. When you're living together you don't have to make any plans to be together. This can result in a relationship that feels stale and flat.
My wife and I have largely avoided this because we've always pursued our own interests on our own time. My wife has always been bored to tears when I'm shopping for my hobbies. I've always been bored to tears when she's shopping for her hobbies. This is why we'll shop together at a bookstore but we'll never shop together at a camera store. However we'll shop together at a bookstore because we both love to read. We've found that it works really well for us to have a balance of time we spend together and time that we spend apart.
The only way to continually enjoy the honeymoon stage of a relationship is to start a new relationship every six months. You can still feel the passion of the honeymoon phase but it's not something that just happens. This is why some people say that love is a verb. You have to be an active participant instead of a passive observer.
You also have to find ways to avoid getting stuck in a comfort rut. You need to change things up to keep your relationship fresh and interesting. If sex is feeling meh, you need to spice up your sex life. The r/sex FAQ has a section on doing just that. If you're eating a lot of pasta, pizza and ramen you need to learn how to cook.
Communications is key to all relationships, and one of the important topics that you need to talk about is your relationship, I know someone who has a weekly "State of the Union" meeting to discuss the state of their marriage with their husband. She and her husband use this time to talk about how their marriage is doing and what they could do to make it better.
These people are all wrong. This is a big red flag.