Author Joan Rivers | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: Joan Rivers

John Davidson: What did Noah finally do at the age of 952?

Joan Rivers: Paid for his daughter’s wedding.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re told to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old

You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old

You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Housework Things Time Work

… it was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Characteristics People

John Davidson: What state was originally divided into three sections?

Joan Rivers: Raymond Burr.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Family Learning

Last night I asked my husband, ‘What’s your favorite sexual position?’ and he said, ‘Next door.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Death Self

At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Health Old Relationships

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Clothing

I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Body Sex Situations

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Family People Places

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Husbands Marriage

My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Self

It’s like herpes; you either have it or you don’t.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Doctors Health

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations

Peter Marshall: According to Raquel Welch, a woman’s bust size should have nothing to do with her sex appeal. True or false?

Joan Rivers: That’s easy for her to say.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

I am so against [gay marriage] because all my gay friends are out and if they get married, it will cost a fortune in gifts.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Marriage

I can’t wear yellow anymore; it’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Self