Popular reviews

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  Review by Luke Thorne ★★★

  David Eastman’s family adventure in which Some children are given a cow as a present help to track down. Starring Phil Collins, John Moulder-Brown, Elizabeth Dear, Stephen Brown and Josephine Gillick.

  John Moulder-Brown, Elizabeth Dear, Stephen Brown, a young Phil Collins (before he joined the rock group Genesis) and Josephine Gillick all give good performances in their respective parts as Rob Grant, Jo Grant, Tim Lucas, Mike Lucas and Beth Lucas, the five children who have to be careful with themselves while attempting to rescue a cow from a couple of thieves.

  Elsewhere, there are respectable performances to be had from Grant Taylor and Honor Shepherd as Rob and Jo’s parents Mr. and Mrs. Grant, while Alastair Hunter is decent…

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  Review by Mark Cunliffe 🇵🇸 ★★

  "...Your eyes will be fixed on a sandy-haired, well-spoken older boy who looks mightily familiar. He’s credited as one Philip Collins but in reality he is that one and only gnomic Genesis drummer-turned-frontman Phil Collins! Rumour has it that the reason why his character disappears for a significant chunk of the film, despite being the owner of the titular bovine lead, is because the future rocker hated being in it and managed to wangle his way out of the middle section. Nothing changes; it is said that the film continues to embarrass Collins to this day..."

  Read my review of this film, part of the BFI's CFF Bumper Box Vol 3, at We Are Cult

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  Review by Paul D ★★

  Strange goings-on somewhere in deepest, darkest rural England, with a band of cattle rustlers plying their wicked trade, although it should be said that they're only able to knick them one at a time, since they're using a caravan to transport them away.

  And they are, as ever in CFF films, as competent as a Tory government when it comes to theft, so blatant that they don't seem to think that anyone notices what they're up to.

  Naturally, it's down to a bunch of kids to save the day, motivated primarily by their desire to recover their own cow, and led by John Moulder-Brown and not, as you might imagine, by Philip Collins, who looks twice the age of the others, and who gets on his bike and disappears for the longest time. This absence was the result of a disagreement with the director about his performance. Pity the same thing didn't happen during his career in music.

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  Review by Hattie ★★

  I admit to only being aware of this Children's Film Foundation (CFF) film due to it featuring an acting credit for a then sixteen year old Phil Collins.
  I am a massive Genesis fan and have previously seen Collins in Buster. And so, through intrigue to see another acting performance from Collins, I thought I'd give Calamity the Cow a watch when the opportunity arose through Talking Pictures TV.
  As it turns out, Collins has very little screen time.

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  Review by great_badir ★½

  Exactly what I used to get up to when clearing the barn to make way for a dickhead cow I saved from slaughter and then leaving it to be looked after by my hapless younger siblings before I returned at the last minute to claim saving the day and then fucking off again to join a prog rock band.

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  Review by Joe Scott ★

  Mercifully short & snappy (in contrast to the chonky, lolloping lummox of the titular heffer), this tale of a ragamuffin cow saved from slaughter to be fostered into a family with , inevitably, misadventures galore, never quite works even within the obvious low ceiling that synopsis implies. Two plot points were introduced then went nowhere at all, which certainly felt less crafty misdirection than just plain forgetting they needed tidying up, even if perfunctorily.
  Nicely shot in the main with one ingenious 'paint pot on a gramophone' spot and a couple of well-played low jeopardy heels pratfalling with low-brow gusto.
  You'd struggle to actually dislike this and if you need a film with every animal in it for some reason this will sort you out Bovine-wise. Also, theme tune is a JAM