How the Dismissive Avoidant Really Feels (From a Recovered Dismissive Avoidant)

In the intricate tapestry of human emotions and attachment styles, the dismissive-avoidant personality type is a fascinating enigma. While they might appear distant, aloof, and self-sufficient on the surface, delving into their complex inner world unveils a deeper understanding of their feelings and coping mechanisms. Rooted in attachment theory, the dismissive-avoidant becomes trapped in an intricate dance between the need for emotional connection, the desire for independence and the need to run from vulnerability at all costs. 

The Foundation of Dismissive Avoidance

Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and later developed by Mary Ainsworth, categorizes attachment styles into four main types: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Dismissive-avoidant individuals tend to downplay the importance of emotional closeness, seeking self-reliance and autonomy. This attachment style often forms due to inconsistent caregiving during childhood, leading individuals to adapt by suppressing their emotional needs.

The Facade of Independence

Dismissive avoidants often project an aura of self-sufficiency and independence. They might appear confident and capable of handling their emotions without relying on others. Beneath this facade, however, lies a complex interplay of emotions. While they might outwardly reject the notion of needing emotional support, the truth is that everyone, including dismissive avoidants, craves connection on some level. Their avoidance of vulnerability and emotional intimacy stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection or dependence.

The Tug-of-War Between Independence and Connection

The dismissive-avoidant personality is in a perpetual tug-of-war between the desire for independence and the inherent human need for connection. This internal conflict can lead to complex emotions that may not always align with their outward behaviour. They may yearn for companionship and closeness but struggle to navigate the vulnerability that comes with it. This internal struggle often results in a push-pull dynamic in relationships – they may seek intimacy in moments of loneliness, only to withdraw once they start feeling emotionally exposed.

The Burden of Emotional Suppression

Suppressing emotions becomes a natural defence mechanism for the dismissive-avoidant. Their fear of vulnerability and rejection prompts them to bury their feelings rather than confront them head-on. This emotional suppression can lead to a disconnect between their thoughts and emotions. They might have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings, even to themselves. Over time, this suppression can contribute to a sense of emotional isolation and a distorted perception of their emotional experiences.

The Paradox of Emotional Longing

At the heart of the dismissive avoidant’s complex emotional landscape lies a paradoxical longing for emotional connection. The avoidant yearns for acceptance and intimacy, yet the fear of being hurt or engulfed by emotions keeps them at arm’s length. This internal contradiction can lead to feelings of frustration and confusion. They might be aware of their desire for closeness but feel incapable of achieving it without compromising their sense of self.

Coping Mechanisms: Creating Emotional Distance

To navigate their intricate emotional web, dismissive avoidants employ various coping mechanisms that shield them from potential pain. Emotional distance becomes an essential strategy for maintaining control and security. They might prioritize work, hobbies, or other activities that offer a sense of accomplishment and keep them preoccupied, diverting their attention from emotional intimacy.

Breaking Down the Walls

Healing and growth for a dismissive avoidant often entail dismantling the emotional walls they’ve erected over time. This process involves developing self-awareness, acknowledging suppressed emotions, and gradually learning to embrace vulnerability. Therapy, particularly attachment-based therapy, can provide a safe space for exploring these emotions and building healthier coping mechanisms.

Navigating Relationships with Dismissive Avoidants

Understanding the complex emotional landscape of a dismissive avoidant is crucial for those in relationships with them. It’s essential to approach them with patience and empathy, allowing them to open up at their own pace. Pushing too hard for emotional intimacy can trigger their avoidance mechanisms while providing a secure and non-judgmental environment can encourage them to let their guard down gradually.

Personal Musings from a Recovered Dismissive Avoidant

Yes, that’s right. I’m a recovered dismissive avoidant. I never even knew that there was a term for how I was until well into adulthood. I just knew that romantic relationships were hugely complicated and painful for me for reasons that I had not yet uncovered. 

No matter how loving or accepting past partners may have been, they couldn’t save me from my hidden shame. At the time, I couldn’t even pinpoint the emotion I felt as shame. The only thing I was categoric about was that there were parts of me that no partner could ever see. The irony is that past partners were already well aware of these aspects of my personality and loved me all the same. I couldn’t escape my irrational fears, however. 

Dismissive avoidants go through life with a crippling sense that they are defective. For me, this viewpoint fully came into play in my teenage years. I attended a large, mixed school where almost everyone seemed to be a loud, bubbly, team sports type extrovert. I was a shy, bookish introvert. I subconsciously started to feel that something was wrong with my nature. Some teachers shamed me for being “cynical” and “strange.” 

Over time, I stopped accepting my true self. Once you start running from your true self, relationships suffer. My thought process became, everyone will eventually let me down and hurt me, why bother? Growing up with a narcissistic parent certainly didn’t help either. 

The average dismissive avoidant is a sensitive, deep-thinking type. We need unconditional love more than most. When we fail to receive this love, with a typically poorly defined sense of self, we turn to toxic coping mechanisms. Educating myself on narcissism, MBTI personality types and attachment styles meant I could put the jigsaw pieces together and move into self-love. No dismissive avoidant is incapable of healing, and once we do, we have the capability to love more than most. We were trying to protect our ultra-soft core in the only way we knew at the time, which sadly hurt others badly. 

Final Thoughts on the Dismissive Avoidant 

The dismissive-avoidant personality type is a rich tapestry of emotions, coping mechanisms, and conflicting desires. While they may project an image of independence, their internal world is far more intricate and vulnerable than it might seem. Unravelling the complex emotions of the dismissive-avoidant requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to explore the depths of their emotional landscape. By recognising the underlying fears and desires that drive their behaviour, we can foster an environment that supports their journey towards emotional growth and genuine connection.