Lauren Bans
- TV Writer, The Goldbergs and Contributing Writer, Freelance
- Features Reporter, The New York Times
- Researcher, The Inc Magazine
Los Angeles
As seen in:
The Inc Magazine,
The New York Times,
CNN,
Yahoo Life,
Business Insider,
The New Yorker,
WIRED Magazine,
Yahoo,
ELLE,
Flipboard,
New York Magazine,
Salon
and
(A list of everything I've ever done along with a cute lil' joke)
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Articles by Lauren Bans
Search ArticlesMaking My Fantasy of Being Lifted and Carried Come True
Photo-Illustration: The Cut; Photo: Vestron/Kobal/Shutterstock I have always wanted to be carried by a man. Not emotionally. (Though: Sure, nice!) I mean physically carried. I want someone to pick me up and throw me on the bed. To give me a piggyback ride to the car. To, dare I say, throw me over his shoulder? Jesus, a girl can dream. Imagine a girlfriend running into her boyfriend’s arms, him effortlessly grabbing her waist and lifting her up so their lips meet — that’s what I want.
Nicholas Galitzine on ‘Mary & George’ and ‘The Idea of You’
Photo: Diego Vourakis Nicholas Galitzine used to hate his lips. “I thought they were very girlie,” says the 29-year-old English actor, who has a pair that would be the envy of any Los Angeles dermatologist’s waiting room. “People used to say I looked like a fish.” He hated his under-eye circles, too, which always made people worry he wasn’t sleeping enough. He blushes when I point out he’s objectively handsome. “I have what I call a ‘broken sponge,’” he explains.
The Television Writer Lauren Bans Tried Dating the Old-Fashioned Way...
My latest humiliating attempt at heterosexual love: I met a man named … let’s call him Dick—because, well, it’s my essay, so I can—in the third-floor bar of Nordstrom (his pick). He immediately fretted over the calorie count of a vodka soda, then later spent about 15 minutes describing how to make what he called “protein ice cream” in a Ninja Creami using cottage cheese and those sugar-free chocolate chips that give you diarrhea. It was awful.
Inside Golden Door, the San Diego Spa Loved by Elizabeth Taylor, Martha Stewart, and Oprah
My new best friend is an entrepreneur from Omaha. She claims she’s 67. She looks 52. She thinks it’s her 10th or 11th time here but has lost count. She has two grown kids. Her daughter is an electric-car engineer in Detroit. I don’t remember what her son does. I’m sure she told me, but I was internally fretting about the next topic of conversation should this one run out. Both her kids are adopted. She did it all on her own. I tell her I’m a single mom too. Or rather, a divorced one.
Why Carole Jackson’s Color Me Beautiful Theory Is Going Viral
Naturally, there’s spring, summer, autumn, and winter. But also sultry winter, golden spring, and leafy autumn. Some people call golden spring “true spring,” and “cool summer” is synonymous with “soft summer.” Light winter and deep autumn are sister seasons, which means they share some colors. I think. It’s hard to keep track. Also, I’ve gone a tad insane. In case you haven’t descended down the rabbit hole, as I have, these are color seasons.
Why Straight Women are Sending Nudes to Their Friends
I could recognize my best friends’ nudes by just one body part: the mouth. (If the pics include the face, that is.) Belinda—all the names are changed, by the way, so my friends remain just that—always has a slight pout. Rachel goes for a surprised, mouth-slightly-agape grin, as if to say, Can you believe these are my breasts?!Maybe you find it surprising that straight-women pals send each other their R-rated photos in a totally nonsexual, friendshipy kind of way.
Molly Baz Built a Recipe Empire on Morty-D and Cae Sal
encounter Dinner with Molly Baz, queen of abbrevs, on the eve of her new cookbook. “It’s like I’m trying to sell me, not just my recipes.” When the Caesar-salad cart rolls up at the Dal Rae steakhouse, Molly Baz whips out her phone and starts recording. “I’m sometimes an annoying person to go to dinner with?” she says. But it’s part of the job. She’s self-aware enough about what life as a social-media-famous chef requires.
Molly Baz Built a Recipe Empire on Morty-D and Cae Sal
Dinner with Molly Baz, queen of abbrevs, on the eve of her new cookbook. “It’s like I’m trying to sell me, not just my recipes.” When the Caesar-salad …
Do You Love Him Enough to Give Him a Threesome for His Birthday?
I remember exactly where I was when I first heard about it, like it was J.F.K.’s assassination or something. I was poking around with a friend for a birthday present for my sister at a shop in Culver City, when said friend just dropped that one of her female friends recently gave her boyfriend a threesome for his birthday. This woman had planned it all ahead of time.
It's Always Sunny in Glenn Howerton's Brain Original
GQ Hype: It's the big story of right now. For years Glenn Howerton has had this recurring dream. “I’m on a longboard, and I’m really good at it.” he says. “Like really, really good.
A Generation of Girls Raised on WeightWatchers Are Now Moms
By the time I was 13, dieting was my favorite thing to do with my mom. While other friends and their moms played tennis together, mall-walked, baked cookies—which, to be fair, we did, too, but the butter was subbed out for applesauce and the sugar halved, so ours usually came out more like a savory chocolate-chip ragù —my mom and I spent our days encouraging each other to eat no more than 1,600 calories.
A Love Letter to Michael Keaton's Instagram Account
There are certain things we’ve come to expect from an actor’s Instagram: buzzy project announcements with earnest captions like “I’m so thrilled for you guys to see this one!” Sponsored posts for strange gummies to make your vagina taste like a freshly baked muffin, or classy dog food that “redefines” canine health. Tributes to other well-known people who have died. And, above all, lots and lots of pictures of themselves. Bathing-suit pictures. Awards-show pictures. “Brave” no-filter pictures.
Hey, Hey, It’s Me, the Photo App on Your Phone!
Psst. Are you sleeping? I know it’s the middle of the night, but I wanted to bounce something major off you. Would you like to share this picture of you kissing your ex-boyfriend with your contact “Ex-Boyfriend Do Not Call”? It’s just so sweet. This was at your old place in “Northwest Philadelphia,” right? (Not stalking you, just tight with G.P.S.) Was this the first time you guys used that pizza stone? You look so in love. Send it to him! It’s all set up to text—just press this button.
The Job Where Sharing Your Most Excruciating Moments Is All in a Day's Work
The Job Where Sharing Your Most Excruciating Moments Is All in a Day's WorkLauren Bans on the strangely intimate work that goes into writing for TV shows. Illustration by Michael Houtz
Hi, I’m Your Best Friend Who Can Rationalize Anything!
Do not beat yourself up about this. It’s totally O.K. that you snoozed your alarm and slept past 10 A.M. on a Tuesday. Not only is it O.K. but it’s probably for the best. I’m not a doctor, but I’ve been to one or two before, and if your body needed the sleep then it was a hundred per cent the healthy thing to do. You know, I think I read somewhere that some people just aren’t morning people? Like, biologically.
GQ's Fuck Marry Kill Interview With Larry King
Here's something one typically doesn't want to hear from a septuagenarian: Larry King says performing stand-up comedy is orgasmic. Which explains why the veteran TV host embarked on an international stand-up comedy tour earlier this year. We took him at his word and did what we'd do with any comedian—played sleepover games with him. ···GQ: Okay: Fuck Marry Kill with Zsa Zsa Gabor, Elizabeth Taylor, and Liza Minnelli. Larry King: Okay, now, this is do what? Have a what with them?
Noah Centineo Wants to Give You a Hug
You have to understand that at the moment Noah Centineo swung open the door, mask dangling from his ear, his goofy smile catching some sunlight, I hadn't embraced, let alone touched, a human adult male for the entire seven months of my quarantine.
Be Our Guest!: Comparing the Staffs of Downton Abbey and Beauty and the Beast
Naturally, those who live to serve really nice, noble rich people only come in so many variations. Note the parallels between the downstairs lot of Downton Abbey and the transmorgified animate objects of Beauty and the Beast:cogsowrth-carson.jpgCogsworth and Mr. Carsonlumiere-thomas.jpgLumiere and Thomasmrs-potts-patmore.jpgMrs. Potts and Mrs. Patmorechip-daisy.jpgChip and Daisywardrobe-hughes.jpgWardrobe and Mrs. Hughesfeather-duster-ethel.jpgFeather Duster and Ethel
Every Single Woman in America Is Now ‘Curvy’
Photo: Corbis All a woman has to do to be called “curvy” these days is possess a human body. In the last six months, a dozen actresses have been pegged with the nebulous term (or some variation of it, like, “shows off her curves”), everywhere from People to Vogue, and that’s probably lowballing the figure.
A Fluctuating List of What I Know About My Infant
Blackout series. Illustration: Jules Julien Two weeks into California’s shelter-in-place order, I took up quarantining with a total stranger. Stranger’s not exactly the right word, but if there’s a word for person who literally came from inside you, but you’ve never actually met, I don’t know it. I mean, there’s baby, and technically that’s what my daughter, Ellie, was when she came out of me in early April — and still is, even though sometimes it feels like she’s been here for 15 years already.
We Strenuously Factchecked the Entire Premise of Sex Tape: An Investigation
sex-tape-gqa.jpgHere is what happens in Sex Tape: Married couple Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel make a dirty film on their iPad, then "accidentally" upload it into the Cloud...and onto the many iPads they gave to friends and family as Christmas presents. Could any of this ever actually happen? We called AppleCare to find out. ···Apple Robot: What Apple product are you calling about? ** **iPad. Okay. iPod. If that's not right, say, "Try again."** **Try again. Apple Robot: OK. iPod.
My Husband Cheated When I Was 7 Months Pregnant
My husband and I shared a love of food. Then he cheated on me when I was seven months pregnant.
In Which She Doesn't Believe In Modern Love - Home - This Recording
Who Loves Youby LAUREN BANSYou know what, guys? I first addressed the evils of the NYT's Modern Love column three years ago. But the essay series continues its reign of terror, and the editors are not even kind enough to tip your chair back and wake you up out of the third-level inception nightmare that is an essay titled, "I Fell For A Man Who Wore an Electronic Ankle Bracelet."That is why we are revisiting this today.
In Which This Is What Happens When You Find A Stranger In The Alps - Home - This Recording
The Best TV Dubs of All Timeby LAUREN BANSThe network TV office where all things FCC-prohibited meet their vanilla alternatives is obliquely dubbed the Standards & Practices department, in the way Stalin was officially titled General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party. Censorship Czar: it does not look so nice on a business card. Standards & Practices is where "Jesus!" becomes "Gee Whiz!" and the 300 or so ‘fuck’ utterances in Pulp Fiction become signifying bleeps.
Welcome to Instagram Club!
“A new study has alarming findings. . . . 1 in 3 U.S. high school seniors did not read a book for pleasure in 2016. In the same time period, 82 percent of 12th-graders visited sites such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram every day.” —Washington Post. “No one reads books anymore. Everyone is too busy on their phones looking at that Instagram.” —My mom.
The One About the Climate Apocalypse
The year is 1994. Bill Clinton is president, Animaniacs is the nation's most popular cartoon, and OJ Simpson has just fled from police in that notorious white Bronco. On September 22, a new sitcom debuts on NBC cataloguing the misadventures of a group of wacky 20-something New Yorkers. Ten seasons and a quarter-decade later, 'Friends' still occupies a significant slice of the American pop culture psyche. In honor of its 25th anniversary, writer Lauren Bans imagines a modern-day 'Friends' script.
Your Stripper Name
Illustration by Gabriel AlcalaYour Stripper Name is the brand of your first car plus the last thing you put in your mouth. Your Rapper Name is your shirt size plus your fourth favorite flavor of La Croix. Your Old-Timey Gangster Name is the name of the guy who teaches your exercise class plus your most-used dining utensil plus your favorite type of noodle.
Stop Showing Me Your Internet Face
Humans have been flooding social networks with self-pics for almost a decade now, and yet we still suck at taking photos of ourselves. Lauren Bans explains why we're our own worst paparazziListen, Generation Y-Doesn't-Everyone-Always-Look-at-Me: I'm glad you like yourself so much! Really.
Subject Lines of E-mails My Dad Has Sent Me with No Message in the Body
“Is there a way to turn off a TV without the remote love dad” “Is Sam joining us for Thanksgiving mom needs to know love dad” “New salad at Panera with many cancer-fighting ingredients love dad” “ ‘Titanic: Final Mystery’ on tonight at 8 we’ll be watching love dad” “Did you try the salad at Panera yet love dad” “Still missing a w-2 your income is too low love dad” “Are you interested in the Titanic very interesting new details love dad” “Mom putting cot downstairs for him don’t fight us love...
There’s No Stopping-or Censoring-Heidi Klum
Heidi Klum is jumping like a maniac. Not little bunny hops, either. She’s getting air, maybe two to three feet of it, with every single leap—all while maintaining the cheeriness of a toddler in a bouncy castle who doesn’t get that jumping is just exercise in disguise. It’s worth mentioning that Klum is doing this while wearing heels the approximate size of an ice cream cone. And she’s not just going straight up and down.
Nobody Wants to Be the Girl on a Diet
Photo: Getty This week, the Cut explores women’s complicated relationship to beauty standards and the effort required to meet them. There are women who can eat whatever they want. Well, technically all of us can eat whatever we want. But there are women who can eat whatever they want and not gain weight. I have seen one such lady in action. She has the metabolism of a racehorse on cocaine. It is glorious. Unfortunately for me, I am not like her.
50 Shades of Grey
An exclusive look at the list that women everywhere are masturbating to! Light grey Dark grey Medium grey Musty beige grey Mauve-y grey Old man whiskers grey Duck Duck grey Wall Street banker’s couch grey That’s totally a really light blond hair grey That’s totally a really light blond pube grey Dolphin body grey Seal body grey Walrus body grey Steve Buscemi body grey Oops I forgot those English muffins were back there grey Nintendo box grey Bodily discharge grey Cloudy morning grey Cloudy...
The Hipster Cop: An Occupy Wall Street Interview with Rick Lee
He was dubbed "The Hipster Cop" a little over a week ago, a few days after pictures trickled online of a plainclothes detective—dressed more like an actor from Dead Poet’s Society than NYPD Blue—patrolling the Occupy Wall Street protest.
We Want Everything on the Menu at This New Cali-Filipino Restaurant
When Chad and Chase Valencia first started talking about opening a restaurant, they knew that they wanted to serve their take on Filipino food—they just weren’t exactly sure what “their take on Filipino” would mean. The brothers had grown up in Chino, a Los Angeles suburb made famous mostly by a fictional former inhabitant (The OC’s Ryan Atwood ), eating traditional Filipino cuisine cooked by their grandmother.
That S#!t Kreay | GQ
Kreayshawn's designer-bashing "Gucci Gucci" video scored her 30 million YouTube hits and a seven-figure record deal. Then this oddball ex-pimp from Oakland promptly picked fights with Nicki Minaj and the boss, Rick Ross. GQ's Lauren Bans spends an extremely bizarre New Year's with the most popular, most reviled white-girl rapper aroundKreayshawn kicks all the dudes out of the hotel room.
Brody Jenner on His "Most Traumatic" Sexual Experience
Brody Jenner, the full-time yet also tangential member of the Kardashiad, has a new sex talk show, titillatingly titled _Sex With Brody, _premiering July 10 at 10:30 p.m. on E!. Because apparently the world was not quite complete without Brody Jenner's sex advice. Herewith he tells GQ about threesomes with his model/girlfriend Kaitlynn (sic) Carter, his Mom's one piece of dating advice, and his traumatic first cunnilingus experience.
What Kind of Netflix Person Are You? Photos
Maybe you enjoy Indie Flicks About Lonely Stoners with Hearts of Gold. Or Raunchy Comedies Featuring Nerds with Surprisingly Big Genitalia. Whatever you may be into, the Netflix personality profiler has the perfect movie for you tonight
Jeff Goldblum on Poodle Cuddling and Blood Diamonds
Jeff Goldblum is a people person, and that is a drastic understatement. One of his favorite things to do with people is tell them which other person they resemble. The first time I witness this happen, I’m waiting for him at a corner table near the hostess station at Chateau Marmont. "You know who you look like?" I catch him asking the hostess. "Amanda Plummer’s mother. Oh! What was her name?" He hits his head in mock frustration.
Ask a Real Live Lady: Do Women Really Love Being Treated Terribly?
"Do I really need to treat you like Crap! Can I not just be a Gentleman? You Ladies Really are confused and have no idea what you want.—HThe sad truth is there's no sure way to a woman's heart. As you said, we're very, very confused. I mean, just today I dressed my burrito with vomit thinking it was guacamole. What's worse, I ate it in four bites! I know, you're probably thinking, "What a pig!", but the truth is I was so befuddled I needed to make the "situation" disappear fast, you know?
Cosmo’s “Hottest Texts to Send a Guy,” Edited – The Hairpin
“Fire off one of these very naughty 160-or-fewer-characters messages and your man will drop whatever he’s doing to come see you.”At work having very NSFW thoughts about throwing you down on my desk …At my physical therapy appt having very NSFPT thoughts about throwing you down! I wish you were injured, too. I feel like you’ve been distant since the accident.
Are There Healthy Restaurants In Las Vegas?
Las Vegas is not a town built on moderation. It’s about how much you can drink, how many over-the-top meals you can eat, how late you can party, how much money you can win (or, you know, lose). It is basically the antithesis of my personal life, where moderation reigns supreme. On some nights I drink one Manhattan too many; on others my biggest vice is staying up too late watching John Oliver.
How to Get Your Body Ready for Summer
Sunshine, swimsuits, and bare legs—oh my! The warm months are finally upon us. And that means one thing: you gotta get your bod in tip-top shape. Follow these six steps and prepare to flaunt your body confidently in front of your friends and family and maybe even the police, once they inevitably find out you’ve been hiding a body in your basement. Sure, storing your body in a trash bag is fine during the winter, when temperatures run cool, but that won’t fly during heat waves.
Lines from a Very Special “Sex and the City” Apocalypse Episode
Later that night, I got to thinking about the apocalypse and relationships. If the Earth could go up in flames after 4.54 billion years, why couldn’t Big and I keep our relationship hot after three? When it comes to relationships, shouldn’t we be holding out for someone who lights our world on fire? SAMANTHA: Oooh! Look at that guy eating his golden retriever! Mamma likey. MIRANDA: Samantha! How can you be thinking about sex at a time like this?
How Goldie Hawn Met Amy Schumer
Why did it take one of America's greatest kooks, Goldie Hawn, she of Laugh-In and Private Benjamin mega-fame, 15 years to stage a comeback? She was loving life (and Kurt Russell). And she hadn't met Amy Schumer yet. Two things catch my eye in Goldie Hawn's bathroom. The first is a bronze lamp in the shape of a cat wearing a bow tie. It's perched in the corner of the wash basin.
The Best Healthyish Restaurants in San Francisco
The sheer variety and quality of seasonal produce is the initial draw to the epic Saturday gatherings at the Ferry Building. But if you’re not also eating lunch here on the dock overlooking the Bay Bridge, you’re missing the best part. Get a group of friends together and spend the morning trying as many different stands as you can. Don’t miss the warm, griddled-to-order flatbread topped with tomatoes, cucumbers, and za’atar at Reem’s.
I Took a Sound Bath in the Desert and It Was Only Sort of Absurd
There are many things you can do to feel healthy in Los Angeles: You can eat breakfast bowls and drink elixirs, you can go to a reiki healer or do chakra-focused yoga with a bunch of svelte Outdoor Voices-wearing mothers and young creatives. But the desert is much more effective and much more consuming and allows you to feel fully removed from your regular life, which to be honest is my preferred form of wellness these days.
48 Hours in America's Most Healthyish City
When Emily Eisen, our visual editor at Healthyish, suggested we hop on a plane to L.A. for the Echo Park Craft Fair in December, I'll be honest: I'd never heard of it. But once we started sniffing around, we realized it would be a beehive swarming with some of the most healthyish-minded people on the planet.
The Superfood That Doubles as an Awesome Houseplant
The first time I met Brendan Davidson , I was out on Montauk at my friend Glen’s house. We were getting ready to make dinner when Glen said, “My buddy Brendan is swinging by and bringing some microgreens.” I figured he’d bring a little bag of pre-cut greens he’d picked up at a farmers market and had had in his fridge for two days. To my surprise, Brendan showed up carrying four different planting trays filled with beautiful, vibrantly colored microgreens, still in the soil and very much alive.
The Juice Freeze Wants to Be Your New Best Fro-Yo
Why eat a salad when you could eat a green-tinged frozen dessert made from coconut and dates and a vegetal juice product? This is the call of the juice freeze, the Franken-fro-juice that hopes to take over the naturally sweetened, wellness-obsessed food sector. These “frozen treats” are the crafty marketing strategy of Pressed Juicery, the cold-pressed empire with 50 stores across six states.
The Boy Next Door: An Ode to Horrible Movies...and Cookies
The Boy Next Door is the best. It is also the absolute worst. These are not mutually exclusive anymore thanks to this age of cultural irony. The movie itself is a celebration of bad movies. It is camp. It is filled with innuendos like, "I just love your Mom’s COOKIES. I could eat them all day." [TAKES BITE THAT LOOKS LIKE CUNNINGLINGUS] To be fair, Jennifer Lopez’s cookies look amazing in this film. They are big cookies. Bigger than most human palms. They look pretty moist. They come with chocolate chips.
The GQ+A: A Woman Analyzes Fifty Shades of Grey With Her Vagina
Once upon a time there lived a mousy virgin named Anastasia Steele. She was a big fan of the core monosyllabic question words of what, why, and how. Sometimes she asked "Where?" But not often. Her life was hard. She's kinda broke. Also, you try being a virgin with a porn star name like Anastasia Steele. But then one day she meets a very handsome, very rich business man named Christian Grey, who is a total sociopath, naturally. He wants to bone her.
GQ's Fall Style Preview 2013, Starring Eddie Redmayne
The Topcoat That Tops All CoatsCamel is a rakish way to break up the charcoals of winter. Which is why these coats bullied their way to the forefront of countless collections, from Burberry to J.Crew and Topman. Coat, $4,195 by Burberry Prorsum. Shirt, $350, and pants, $795, by Burberry Prorsum. Sweater, $595 by Dolce & Gabbana. Tie, $210 by Michael Bastian. Watch by Cartier. Boots by Burberry.
The Huge Star and the Pussycats: A Bedtime Story by Donald Trump
Once upon a time, there was a huge star—the biggest star—named Donald. I mean, you had to see this star. It was so high in the sky and so bright—you wouldn’t even believe it. This Donald star, he had the best temperature. I mean, you really wouldn’t believe it. His temperature was way better than all the other stars in the sky. He was hot. Super hot. Every night he’d look at his reflection in the ocean and say, “You’re fire!”This Donald star was such a powerful star he could do whatever he wanted.
Bella Hadid Just Recreated One of Kelly Kapowski’s Signature Looks
If you grew up in the '90s, chances are the girls of Saved by the Bell were among your style icons. Kelly Kapowski, played by Tiffany Amber-Thiessen, was arguably the leader of the group, and got to wear the sexiest outfits as a result (yeah, feminism still had a way to go). We're talking teeny-tiny mini skirts, floral bustiers, and bike shorts. Many of Kelly's looks were finished with a "Glamour Shots"-worthy oversized, cropped denim jacket, and sometimes the mini skirt was denim too.
How We Think Differently in a Foreign Language
Ever wonder why your vacation self does things your real-life self probably wouldn't dream of? If it feels like just being in a different place changes your personality, that could be accurate, especially if you're someplace where they speak another language. Scientific American recently reported on several studies that show how the language we're using affects our decision-making.
Finally, There's an App to Help High Schoolers Find Lunch Partners
If you were a high schooler stuck without someone to sit with at lunch like Mean Girls hero Cady Heron, you may have been by yourself in that moment—but you're not alone. One in four kids in the U.S. gets bullied regularly. Maybe, thought high school junior Natalie Hampton, people wouldn't end up alone if they knew others were looking for someone to sit with too. That's why she created the app Sit With Us, which promotes the opposite of the Plastics' exclusive lunchroom policies.
The Women of 'The Big Bang Theory' Will Go Through Some Big Changes in Season 10
The 10th season of The Big Bang Theory got off to a different kind of start this year. When the cast and crew reunited for the start of production last month, they didn't tape the season premiere for their first episode back. "Because of scheduling issues with the many insanely wonderful actors in the premiere [episode], we ended up shooting the premiere in the third week of production," reveals executive producer Steve Molaro.
Low-Cal Halo Top Ice Cream Is *Gasp* Truly Amazing
I know what you’re thinking: What kind of tongue-numb, yoga pants-wearing basic b goes full ride-or-die for a low-calorie ice cream? Well I’m here as a grown woman who has never once contorted her body into half tortoise and who enjoys a dense scoop of rocky road (full-fat style) on the regular to say: Halo Top is as good as actual ice cream. I know. It’s an earth-shattering thing to say aloud, let alone write in a sophisticated culinary magazine.
These New Feminist Condoms Would Actually Look Cute in Your Purse
Practicing safe sex is often treated like a clinical activity separate from the sex itself. But at long last, Lovability Condoms is changing that. The startup creates feminist condoms that come in shiny, round wrappers and tins with awesome phrases like "Talk Feminist to Me" and "Babe With The Power." Oh, and you can get them with "Fuckboy repellant" to keep away the guys who don't respect you.
Twitter Thinks Calvin Harris' New Song "My Way" Is About Taylor Swift
Calvin Harris unveiled his new song, "My Way," on Friday (September 16), and people really think it's about his ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift. (You remember: They dated for 15 months, broke up in June, and then Harris launched a social media war against Swift in July that gave new meaning to the word "petty.") "My Way" features defiant lyrics and vocals from Harris himself, two deeply personal touches that suggest the paint-by-numbers dance tune is more than just hazy nightclub fare.
Low-Cal Halo Top Ice Cream Is *Gasp* Truly Amazing - Bon Appétit
I know what you’re thinking: What kind of tongue-numb, yoga pants-wearing basic b goes full ride-or-die for a low-calorie ice cream? Well I’m here as a grown woman who has never once contorted her body into half tortoise and who enjoys a dense scoop of rocky road (full-fat style) on the regular to say: Halo Top is as good as actual ice cream. I know. It’s an earth-shattering thing to say aloud, let alone write in a sophisticated culinary magazine.
Amy Schumer: The Biggest Potty Mouth in America
Of the ten dirtiest things spoken aloud in America over the past year, Amy Schumer said eleven of them. It's taken our favorite potty mouth a decade to climb to the top of the comedy world, and she did it one synonym for "vagina" at a timeAnybody who’s spent more than two minutes around Amy Schumer knows that she has a favorite subject. And that subject is sex.
Ask a Real Live Lady: Should I Really "Catcall" Ladies?
Catcalling is dumb as a thing and a word. Catcalling? Was the first thing a dude ever shouted to a lady on the street "here pussy pussy pussy! here pussy pussy pussy!"? But yesterday a grown up lady named Doree Lewak wrote a piece claiming that women are just acting "sanctimonious" if they’re offended by catcalling for the New York Post, a paper known for its super progressive stance on gender relations (See also: "I’m 124 Sandwiches Away from an Engagement Ring").
An Oral History of Transformers Director Michael Bay
"Loud." "Stupid." "Horrible." "Unbearable." "Appalling." "Evil." "A great grinding garbage disposal of a movie." "An assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained."In 1998, a national magazine asked in an article "Is Michael Bay the Devil?" Thirteen years later, you can still buy T-shirts that answer yes.
Cliven Bundy's War: Inside the Rancher's Independent Sovereign Republic in Nevada
I. Warning: The Latrines Are Kinda FullIt’s April in the Nevada desert, not even 11 A.M., and the heat is already physical, like something you could lean on. To those not yet accustomed to the republic, like myself, there’s a feeling of unreality to it. Even the view from up here, looking north: blue-green river shading to red-orange mesa shading to gray-red mountain, like a Looney Tunes cartoon.
Lucky Blue, the Most In-Demand Male Mormon Model -- The Cut
Lucky Blue, who is not a racehorse, as his name might suggest, but rather a six-foot-three, 17-year-old model, is learning how to dance. Basic moves. The grapevine. A decent step-touch. “Just remember when you’re step-touching to lead with this.” Here, Danny, the male dance instructor leading this private lesson at a small Los Angeles studio, pats the side of Lucky’s butt. This makes Lucky blush. He buries his hands in the pockets of his skintight black jeans.
Magic Mike XXL Turns Men Into Objects
As you’re probably aware if you have a girlfriend or a television, Channing Tatum and his multitude of abs (Bo, Al, Ty, Mo, Ed, and Vic, respectively) are set to shimmy across theater screens July 1 in Magic Mike XXL, the long lusted-for sequel of 2012’s Magic Mike. For the uninitiated few: the Mike part is Tatum and the Magic part is male stripping.
Brody Jenner on His "Most Traumatic" Sexual Experience
Brody Jenner, the full-time yet also tangential member of the Kardashiad, has a new sex talk show, titillatingly titled Sex With Brody, starting this month on E!. Because apparently the world was not quite complete without Brody Jenner's sex advice. Herewith he tells GQ about threesomes with his model/girlfriend Kaitlynn (sic) Carter, his Mom's one piece of dating advice, and his traumatic first cunnilingus experience.
Founder of Dehydrated Onion Topping Suing to Have Sofia Vergara's Babies
Here's what we know about the man who is Nick Loeb: He is 39 and from a powerful family with ties to the now defunct Lehman Brothers. He grew up very, very rich. With that privilege, at the age of 31, he invented the food product Onion Crunch—quite literally crispy bits of dehydrated onion sold in a plastic jar. They are no bigger than one centimeter and brown in color. They are bacon bits, only they are onions. A three pack of Onion Crunch sells on Amazon.com for $42.95.
A Chart of Connections
It's been over a decade since Paul Feig and Judd Apatow's shortlived but long-loved teenage dramedy "Freaks and Geeks" graced the airwaves, but never have a bunch of pot-smoking high school recluses gone on to such great success. We trace the ripple effect of the pioneering show right up to this weekend's blockbuster comedy Bridesmaids.
“You’re So Friendly!”
On September 3, 2013, exactly one year after Cameron Esposito moved from her hometown of Chicago to Los Angeles to make it in comedy, she found herself crouched nervously over her notebook in a backstage green room. In a few minutes, she was scheduled to make her network television debut on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. She was so preoccupied she didn’t notice that Jay Leno, the guest that evening, was making his way over to introduce himself.
I Spent a Week On Tinder... As a Strawberry Milkshake
Last week I joined Tinder, the swipe-right-wanna-fuck? app, as a female strawberry milkshake named Straw Milkshake. Ideally my name would have been Strawberry Milkshake, but, as I learned, it is ridiculously difficult to join Facebook (which is required for a Tinder account) as a person named Strawberry. Apparently there are "real name only" rules. Straw was deemed acceptable; Strawberry, not. File under: why you shouldn't name your kid a fruit, right after 1.) Your kid's name would be a fruit.
Om-ing by the Beach With Andrew Keegan, Former Teen Idol Turned Spiritual Guru
Andrew Keegan, teen idol turned guru. Photo: Amir Magal “There’s probably a book here. You want to write a book?” Andrew Keegan, ’90s teen heartthrob, asks, only half-joking, before launching into the story of how he came to be a spiritual torchbearer.
How to Safe Sext
Fact: Sexting is fun. Even celebrities who should perhaps know better are snapping nude selfies. But fret not, horny phone-clutching hordes, there is such a thing as safe sexting. Behold—four seemingly dirty images that, on closer inspection, turn out to be audaciously innocent. Study, practice, then hand this list to a nearby teen. —Lauren Bans
The Cleavage Crease
The Cleavage Crease
It’s as if God gave us fleshy inner arms for this specific reason.
The GQ+A: Kristen Schaal on Working With Will Forte in The Last Man on Earth
On an abandoned Earth, who's gonna stop Will Forte from picking up a Van Gogh? Photo: Courtesy of Jaimie Trueblood/FoxBeing the last man on Earth doesn't preclude there being a last woman. And lucky for us/all of humanity, that woman is Kristen Schaal. In Fox's new post-Ebola-esque apocalypse comedy, The Last Man on Earth, she co-stars with Will Forte's eyes peering out of some woolly-mammoth-style facial hair (the titular desperately seeking man).
The GQ+A: A Woman Analyzes 50 Shades of Grey With Her Vagina
Once upon a time there lived a mousy virgin named Anastasia Steele. She was a big fan of the core monosyllabic question words of what, why, and how. Sometimes she asked "Where?" But not often. Her life was hard. She's kinda broke. Also, you try being a virgin with a porn star name like Anastasia Steele. But then one day she meets a very handsome, very rich business man named Christian Grey, who is a total sociopath, naturally. He wants to bone her.
The Porn Star Karaoke Bar
Nicki Hunter is standing at the front of the bar, microphone in hand. She's ready for her song—but the karaoke system is not. So she passes the time waiting for it to reboot by teasing the audience, turning to the side and bending over suggestively in a snug denim miniskirt that ends barely the length of a Snickers bar from her privates. "You have cute nipples!" she calls to a waitress taking a drink order at a corner booth.
The GQ+A: Bob Odenkirk on Better Call Saul: "I Could Get a Job at Cinnabon Now"
You can exhale Breaking Bad fanatics. Saul is alive. This would probably warrant a spoiler alert if Better Call Saul, AMC's new spinoff with Bob Odenkirk reprising his role as the series' beloved criminal (in all senses of the word) lawyer, didn't satisfy the "What happened to Saul?!" question right off the bat. The guy is hiding in Omaha and unhappily kneading dough at a mall Cinnabon—a plot point that required Odenkirk to attend a real bun-making lesson from a Cinnabon manager.
50 Shades of Grey
An exclusive look at the list that women everywhere are masturbating to! Light grey Dark grey Medium grey Musty beige grey Mauve-y grey Old man whiskers grey Duck Duck grey Wall Street banker’s couch grey That’s totally a really light blond hair grey That’s totally a really light blond pube grey Dolphin body grey Seal body grey Walrus body grey Steve Buscemi body greyOops I forgot those English muffins were back there grey Nintendo box grey Bodily discharge grey Cloudy morning grey Cloudy...
The Boy Next Door: An Ode to Horrible Movies...and Cookies
The Boy Next Door is the best. It is also the absolute worst. These are not mutually exclusive anymore thanks to this age of cultural irony. The movie itself is a celebration of bad movies. It is camp. It is filled with innuendos like, "I just love your Mom's COOKIES. I could eat them all day." [TAKES BITE THAT LOOKS LIKE CUNNINGLINGUS] To be fair, Jennifer Lopez's cookies look amazing in this film. They are big cookies. Bigger than most human palms. They look pretty moist. They come with chocolate chips.
63 Disturbing Trends of 2014 (According to Local News)
On December 31, 2014 at 1:00 PM 63 Disturbing Trends of 2014 (According to Local News) Photo: 2004 Dreamworks LLC"Throwing boiling water into the air!" It's a thing. So was "smoking bed bugs to get high"—later refuted as an April Fool's Joke, but not before it was passed around gravely as an actual Disturbing New Trend.
The Best Worst Movie of The Weekend: The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies
If you close your eyes, the latest and final installment of The Hobbit trilogy sounds like a lot of men orgasming while clanging forks together. If you open your eyes it still sounds like men orgasming while clanging forks together—hearing is unrelated to the positioning of your eyelids—but there's some visual context: many, many dudes with varying degrees of nose prosthetics are hitting each other's steel weapons for the entire freakin' movie.
I Just Want to Not Be Friends
My younger sister instantly turns ex-boyfriends into best friends like some sort of relationship magician. Even the bad ones. Like the guy who broke up with her at a bus stop and then ran away (literally — ran) when she started crying. Or the one who refused to abstain from hitting the bong before their dates and once rested his head on the restaurant table to take a nap during dinner. Two dudes who, in my opinion (which I’ll pretend counts in this situation), don’t deserve her friendship or time.
I Just Want to Not Be Friends
Photo: Fox My younger sister instantly turns ex-boyfriends into best friends like some sort of relationship magician. Even the bad ones. Like the guy who broke up with her at a bus stop and then ran away (literally — ran) when she started crying. Or the one who refused to abstain from hitting the bong before their dates and once rested his head on the restaurant table to take a nap during dinner.
Weird Al--GQ Men of the Year
Weird al has been with us for thirty-one years. THIRTY-ONE YEARS. (That's his career's age, by the way, not his.) His self-titled debut album was released in 1983. Do you know who else was big in 1983? Toto. Dexys Midnight Runners. Maybe you've seen those guys from time to time on a Best of the '80s compilation. Weird Al, on the other hand, has outlived entire species of plants and animals. (R.I.P., Japanese river otter.
The GQ+A: Shailene Woodley Makes Her Own Hippie Toothpaste, and She Gave Us the Recipe
Sure, you might say: But why would I make toothpaste when I can buy it at the store? The answer: because The Descendants star/SIY forest nymph Shailene Woodley does it, and she was kind enough to share her recipe, which is based on one she found on the hippy-dippy site ThreeLilyFarm.com.
Five Things Guaranteed to Turn Him On
Has this happened to you before? You're pumped and alive and you reach for your guy and he's just... dead. Lucky for you, this can be resolved easily. Follow these simply steps to have him turned on in no time. 1.) Unless you are absolutely certain he's fully rested, let him lie still for fifteen to twenty minutes recharging. If he was just low on juice, he should wake up by himself. 2.) Press down on his head and balls at the same time for ten to twenty seconds. 3.) If that doesn't work, buy a coffin.
Nobody Wants to Be the Girl on a Diet
This week, the Cut explores women's complicated relationship to beauty standards and the effort required to meet them. There are women who can eat whatever they want. Well, technically all of us can eat whatever we want. But there are women who can eat whatever they want and not gain weight. I have seen one such lady in action. She has the metabolism of a racehorse on cocaine. It is glorious. Unfortunately for me, I am not like her.
The Best Worst Movie of The Weekend: Ouija
The main takeaway of Ouija, the latest collaboration between game company Hasbro and Universal, is don't floss. Gingivitis be damned. Demons can use floss to kill you. You can be wrung around the neck with floss. One string of floss can support your entire body mass. Or at least the body mass of a 96-lb. The CW actress. (The same goes for a string of Christmas lights.) The real lesson of this movie is that the seemingly feeble strings in your life are actually quite strong.
The 23 Creepiest Dolls To Ever Exist
When in doubt ... err on the side of NOT saying any of these things, ever.
Making Over Marijuana: How Pot Shops Are Getting a Smokin' New Look
Los Angeles Patients & Caregivers Group, where I buy legal weed, feels a lot more like a bakery than a grungy head shop. Inside the small back room, the bud is arranged in glass cases like rows of macarons. A flat-screen TV is mounted on the wall displaying the menu, and two pretty girls in pencil skirts wait to take your order. They sell weed cookies too, in little sealed baggies in a refrigerator on the left. Ginger snaps, peanut butter bites, and one called Vookoo's cookies.
The GQ+A: Dane Cook on His Haters, Regrets, and What Therapy Taught Him
Dane Cook has a new standup special, Troublemaker, airing on Showtime this Friday. There are some funny jokes! And some unfunny jokes! Though nothing deserving of the outsized rage torch so-called comedy purists seem to hold for the guy. My second Google suggestion upon typing the words "Dane Cook" is "classic douchebag." (The first? "Misogynist.") How did this happen? And more importantly: is it fair?
“Gone Girl” didn’t botch the “cool girl” speech - it clarified it
Spoiler alert: Amy Dunne, the titular missing person of “Gone Girl,” Gillian Flynn’s novel-turned-David Fincher film, is a psychopath. I state the obvious, because apparently it’s not so obvious.
Watch Tyler Perry (!) Steal a Movie Without a Fat Suit
Maybe you've already heard that Gone Girl has a surfeit of mind-rupturing twists. The best one? Tyler Perry. Yes, the Tyler Perry—director, writer, and cross-dressing star of the Madea franchise—was handpicked by director David Fincher for a role in this month's film adaptation of Gillian Flynn's thriller. Perry plays sleazy attorney Tanner Bolt, who swoops in to vindicate potential wife-killer Nick Dunne (Ben Affleck). Tyler Perry! Opposite Ben Affleck! Obviously we had to ask him about it.
How to be polite to women without annoying them
Modern manners for men: Don't listen to the naysayers. Chivalry isn't dead -- it just needs an update.
Joan Rivers Dies On George Clooney's Face At 81
The irreverent comedian Joan Rivers died this afternoon. She was 81 years old. Early reports suggest she passed to the next world astride the tanned face of George Clooney.
Lauren Bans Talks with the Old Lady of the Year, Joan Rivers
Until this year it was hard to catch a glimpse of Joan Rivers anywhere other than QVC or the wrong side of a red carpet. Now, with the critically acclaimed documentary A Piece of Work under her sequined belt and a new reality show on the air, the 78-year-old queen of comedy is having a late season comeback. Joan! It's been a hell of a 2010—you're officially our Old Lady of the Year. How does it feel? Well, it beats the shit out of being named employee of the month at the Olive Garden.
Jeff Goldblum Unfiltered: Wisdom on Porn, Super Foods, and the Jurassic Park Theme Song
There is just too much Jeff Goldblum for one article. Herewith, a collection of the most Goldblumiest moments that didn't make it in the piece. Presented in a fashion as to yield the most unadulterated Goldblum per word. (i.e. I tried to stay out of the way). There are lyrics to the "Jurassic Park" theme song. At least according to Jeff Goldblum.
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